Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling.
Authors Note: Thanks very much to my wondeful beta Melissa aka acoustics 1220 and her partner Ryan aka Zaphod Beeblebrox.
Based on the popular theories I read here at portkey especially those written by Brown.
THE TALK
"McLaggen was really an idiot!" Hermione told Ron, breaking the silence that immersed the room when the Gryffindor Team bade them goodbye half an hour ago.
Hermione was the only visitor left in the Hospital Wing. She'd already lost count on how many times Harry had been sent here but this occasion topped them all. Who would have thought that Harry, the greatest seeker of the decade, the new captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, would fall 100 feet in the air from a nasty 'accidental' hit from a fellow player's bat?
She now found herself sitting between Harry and Ron's bed, which Ron had been occupying for almost a week now after drinking the poisoned mead from Slughorn's office, devoting her attention entirely on Harry. She was currently not on speaking terms with Ron, even though she'd almost lost him, too. She realized that this was probably the most insensitive thing to do but she wasn't ready to reconcile with him just yet.
"I know! And I might as well remind you that you're not supposed to be speaking to me…just in case you've forgotten," Ron said hesitantly. He was so surprised that she was now talking to him, so much so that he had to make sure she knew what she was doing.
Hermione quickly turned her attention from Harry to him. "Do I have a choice? Obviously, Harry can't talk," she huffed. She really couldn't contain her anger towards McLaggen; no more than her anger with Ron.
"Fair enough," Ron replied, deciding that he wouldn't concede without a fight. "Isn't he the one you took to Slughorn's party last Christmas? I heard the two of you had a really good time."
"Do you need to rub it in my face now? And for your information, we only went out once, only for that party, and we didn't have a good time," Hermione spat.
"I know," Ron mumbled, barely able to suppress the grin that was tugging at his lips.
"And I also know that the team will never rest until they get a hold of him. We should probably expect another Montague cabinet incident in a couple of days."
"I can't believe it!" said Hermione shaking her head. "You're ecstatic that McLaggen completely messed up." If Hermione hadn't known Ron for the last six years, she almost would've slapped him.
"Yeah," he answered, "because that just means there is no way that you'll date him in the future and there's no way that he'd replace me.... But still, I didn't want this to happen at Harry's expense."
"You realize what you're saying, don't you? Because I never knew that you could be this selfish," Hermione hissed, narrowing her eyes at Ron.
"Hey! I just told you that I didn't want Harry to be on the receiving end of this! I might as well be in Harry's condition now just to prevent him from hanging out and being used by that big oaf! And you to be his girlfriend!" Ron admitted.
For the moment, Hermione decided to let her anger subside, understanding he had just made a very sincere confession which made her smile, unable to make a comment. Unfortunately, Ron had something else on his mind that could very possibly ruin Hermione's new found respect for him.
"Not that I'm jealous of him-" Ron started again, "although you might think that now, saying that I don't want you to be his girlfriend. And please don't think that way. I don't want the Yule Ball incident happening all over again."
Hermione glanced at him curiously.
"I'm just trying to clarify that I am not jealous of McLaggen dating you," Ron assured.
Hermione felt a twinge in her chest as she heard Ron say this. Does he really mean that? Talk about a slap in the face. With anger for McLaggen forgotten, she decided to ask Ron something that she knew he'd been trying to avoid.
"Okay... well… Let's clear this up, once and for all - Do you, you know… fancy me?" Hermione asked grudgingly. She took a deep breath, summoning her nerve to will herself from crying if Ron were to laugh in her face.
"No," Ron answered hastily, as he suddenly found the ceiling far more interesting than their conversation.
"Honestly? All the years we've been friends?" she asked, not taking her eyes off Ron while blushing tremendously.
Ron sighed and turned his attention to the hem of his blanket. He wondered what it'd be like to stitch this blanket over and over, if only to avoid this.
"No. Really, Hermione! I know it's what you're thinking with what I did at the Yule Ball and all, but… it's not, and I haven't ever… you know- liked you like that," Ron stuttered reluctantly.
"But you were jealous of Viktor. That was painfully obvious."
He had always thought that he'd acted like a jerk during the Yule Ball and now it was confirmed. "Yes I'm jealous, but not because of you dating Krum, but because he noticed you."
"Oh my goodness! Don't tell me you want Viktor for yourself?!" mocked Hermione as she wished him not to say 'yes'.
"Not like that!" yelled Ron. "It's just that- you see- Harry is already his equal and I can't do anything about that. So I consoled myself by thinking that we," pointing his finger to the two of them, "at least, were still on the same level.
Then I saw you with Krum, which makes you, also his equal, and seeing you and Harry as the center of attention and me, you know- I felt left out… again."
She now understood Ron's behavior after the Yule Ball and felt really guilty that she and Harry made him feel that way. But she knew that Ron didn't need them to feel sorry for him, instead she decided to try and argue with him like they always ended up doing.
"I didn't know that you feel that way. But it is still your fault you know, if you just asked me first-"
"Just the same- you still would have misunderstood me," Ron insisted.
"Well, you weren't careful about being misunderstood when I went out with Viktor," Hermione quipped. Surprisingly, Ron didn't answer. He kept looking at the Infirmary door, hoping beyond hope that someone - anyone would interrupt them, but Hermione wasn't going to give up so easily.
"Waiting for Lavender?" she prodded.
"Nah. By the way if she asks you about me- tell her that I am always asleep and you hardly talk to me. Harry told me to speak to her but I don't know how to break up with her; so it will be nice if I could ignore her so that she'll be the one who'll break up with me."
Hermione was confused all of a sudden; brow furrowing. "I thought the two of you were doing really well?"
"That's what you thought, but snogging can be tiring sometimes, too," said Ron flatly. And her insistence to him to wear the necklace she gave him last Christmas wasn't helping either.
"So you only go out with her so you can snog her?" asked Hermione looking scandalous.
"Yeah," Ron said rather proudly. "She is the first girl who noticed me and actually wants to snog me and the truth is- she is the one who came to me so… why not take the opportunity?"
"I did too. I dropped you hints!" Hermione insisted, not knowing why it had come out like that.
"You did?" he asked, surprised by her confession; and then he laughed heartily.
"There goes the last of my self esteem," said Hermione.
"Sorry, but I didn't realize you had," laughed Ron, "- how?"
"Do I really need to elaborate?" Rolling her eyes she thought about it for a minute. She remembered her promise to Harry not to say anything about confunding McLaggen during the Keeper try outs and she fully intended to keep that promise even if his reason was only because of Quidditch.
"I did ask you to the Slughorn party," she started.
"Oh! Is that it? I thought you were finally being sensitive to my feelings of being left out."
"I sided with you when you and Harry had an argument," ignoring Ron's statement, she still felt guilty about being insensitive. "I seldom contradicted you… well, before we had our disagreement."
"If I may clarify, we didn't have a disagreement- you literally had your canaries eat me!" Ron sniped, disgusted on how she can casually call it a disagreement.
"What do you expect my reaction would be when I saw you and Lavender sucking face in the middle of a room? I mean, it took all my willpower to invite you to Slughorn's party - just to have you going off and ditching me like that?" said Hermione angrily.
"And like I said - I didn't know that you were hitting on me when you asked me to the party, I seriously thought that you quit being insensitive particularly about my feelings," answered Ron, topping her already loud voice.
They were practically yelling at each other. And for fear that Madam Pomfrey might come in and throw her out, Hermione lowered her voice.
"No, I did it so you would start to like me." Hermione didn't feel this low about herself, but Ron on the other hand, just smiled widely and that was her cue that the arguing was pointless because she'd finally admitted something that would make every guy like Ron, proud of himself.
"I really didn't know that you were interested in me. I thought you fancied Harry," Ron replied.
"Am I that obvious?" Hermione panicked, she hadn't expected Ron to be that observant. But now, by the look on his face, she immediately knew that she'd just made another big mistake.
"Bloody hell! I was just teasing you!" Ron admitted.
The two of them now looked shock. She couldn't believe that she made that kind of reaction. Since when had she become this tactless? Maybe it's because of how uncomfortable their conversation had been.
"You do- you do fancy Harry- of course you do- now I know why- you fancy him- you like Harry," said Ron who looked more like he was talking to himself.
Hermione hadn't figured out how to deny this but couldn't just let him ramble on about it which would just make things worse. They looked over at him when they heard a moan come from Harry, but he remained still and silent.
"Ron, stop! He might hear you." Hermione cast a Silencing Charm around herself and Ron. Satisfied with the result, she moved her seat to be nearer to him.
"Is there anyway I could take that back?" asked Hermione, finally admitting defeat. She covered her face with one hand to hide her embarrassment, frustrated with herself for blurting her secret out like that.
"No!" said Ron in a decided tone.
Maybe it's time for Ron to know so that they can stop dancing around on each others feelings. She had no idea how her life would change if she would totally admit it and not sure if she'd like that change, prospects didn't look good.
Hermione stared at him for a moment and affirmed, "All right Ron, I do. And now you have to promise that you won't tell a single soul and that includes the ghosts, portraits, or any moving object on earth."
Ron nearly laughed out loud on how desperate Hermione was acting by trying to keep her feelings for Harry a secret. But she caught his expression and frowned before giving another warning, "Seriously, Ron, I've been trying really hard to conceal this and ignore it for such a long time, and after all that- just to have you go blabbing this around Hogwarts? No way. I'm now thinking of doing the Unbreakable Vow with you- don't make me go that far." Maybe it was better if she had just lied.She was now close to tears and this made Ron realize that she really was serious. He actually felt the pain she was experiencing, which rarely ever happened.
"Okay, I promise. I promise I won't tell anyone." He reached out to pat her back, the only consoling gesture he knew for crying Hermione; aside from being silent, but this only made her burst out in tears.
"You can tell me everything. I'm willing to listen," Ron placated soothingly.
Despite the tears in her eyes she found Ron's statement amusing. She looked at him and a smile crept on to her face.
"Since when?"
Ron frowned at her comment but immediately smiled for he was just as amused as Hermione when he repeated his statement in his head.
"I only have about an hour to be Mr. Sensitivity so you can begin to tell me now all about that," Ron instructed, trying to lighten the mood.
Grateful that she could finally talk to someone about what she felt, she wiped her tears and composed herself; she didn't have any intention of crying again while opening up to Ron. "I don't know how it happened. Just before our fifth year began, I felt differently. I was so anxious to see him. When we were at Hogwarts I always wanted to be by his side, even if he had the nastiest temper at the time. I think it's when Harry and Cho got together- you know after the kiss? I realized it's not normal to feel that kind of jealousy for your best friend when he's got a girlfriend. So by then, I admit that I felt something for him and then decided to ignore it."
"After that, I planned to distance myself from him. But how could I? He was still mourning over Cedric's death, the whole wizarding world was against him, he was having those strange dreams. I just couldn't leave him like that. So I decided to stop being selfish and help him get through his life. And because of that I fell for him more."
Ron intended not to make any comment because he'd probably say something stupid. Hermione continued gratefully.
"You know what's funny? After I got hit by that curse, you would think that I would be angry at him for putting us in danger, or scared that I might die if I continued to be his best friend. Instead, I found myself daydreaming of how he reacted when I got hit, and in that dream he was kneeling at my side- and begging me to stay alive and he's close to tears."
Ron smiled with her last statement and she added, also smiling.
"I had to imagine he was crying because he never does that, another thing I like about him. He leaves the crying to me and the whining to you."
"And we give the sulkiness to him," Ron blurted. They both laughed at the irony of their friendship.
"Go on," encouraged Ron, face solemn.
"Then reality hit me, yes, he was concerned about what happened to us and felt really guilty but- please don't judge me," she pleaded to Ron, "-at the time… I kind of expected him to treat me differently over you guys. I guess, I was really carried away by my dreams."
She didn't know if it was right to confess everything to Ron, knowing how selfish she might appear, but she saw the look of understanding on his face.
"So needless to say, I was disappointed and that really hurts, and that was the first time I cried because of my stupid feelings for him." She kept her head down so that Ron wouldn't notice that she was struggling not to cry about this again. Luckily her voice still seemed normal.
"When he came to your house last summer, I wasn't expecting him to be over Sirius' death that quick. I mean- with Cedric he had all of fifth year. So I decided that maybe it was time to really get over him. Especially when that prince book came to our lives, I felt like he didn't need me anymore."
"So I wrote a list of all the reasons I know not to fall for him: that he could never be a good boyfriend anyway, seeing what happened with Cho, and that he will never see me as more than a friend, no matter what I do, no matter what happens to me. I know there will be a time that he won't need me anymore… even as a friend."
Ron sat dumbfounded, which made Hermione wonder if he had understood everything she'd told him. Finally Ron spoke.
"Well- that's tricky," Ron started slowly.
Hermione smirked making Ron feel the necessity to hurry to finish his explanation. "I mean, I get what you said, it's just that I still can't believe that it is physically possible to feel all that at the same time."
"Just the opinion I expected," she grumbled. No matter, she was still grateful that Ron was being a great listener, but as always, Ron had this talent of showing how insensitive he could be when you'd thought to respect him.
Ron knew she hadn't meant it as a compliment, so he decided to prove her wrong. "Hermione, I'm sorry if you feel that way. I know that it can make you feel all sorts of things but it doesn't mean that it's okay to feel all that. You know that you can't control all the feelings you have."
Hermione fell silent, thinking, but after a while she burst out laughing and Ron laughed along with her. "Don't even try that kind of statement again, first, because it doesn't suit you and- that just doesn't make any sense. Where did you get that anyway?"
"Got it from Lavender, it sounded nice when I heard it. Guess there's really no gain being with her."
"There is too! Snogging," Hermione suggested.
"Oh yeah!" Ron gave a satisfied nod and smiled, but turned his attention back to Hermione as she looked at Harry.
"Can't blame you-" Ron filled in, "the two of you really got close last year."
"We did, didn't we?" Hermione smiled, pondering the memories of how they survived their fifth year.
"So you're not planning to tell him," asked Ron, half wishing that she would.
"No," she said firmly. There was no way that she would let Harry know anything about this. She'd rather leave the wizarding world for good than to have Harry be troubled by this, knowing how noble he was, how uncomfortable it would make him and how it would destroy their friendship.
"Not even now?" Ron prodded.
"Especially now he has his eyes on someone else."
"Really? Who?" Ron asked cheerfully, seeming to have just forgotten that Hermione had already poured out all her feelings to him.
"I'm not in a position to tell anyone," refused Hermione. Seriously, knowing Ron for six years, I don't think I could handle making that mistake.
"Oh cut the crap!" snapped Ron.
"Hey! I'm the one who has the problem here!" Hermione cried, and felt satisfied to see Ron's guilty face. She was relieved that she found a way to distract him from getting the answer from her.
Another uncomfortable silence filled the room until Ron realized something. "Wait a minute! If you had feelings for Harry all this time, what are you doing dropping hints to me?"
Hermione's eyes grew bigger as he said this. She hadn't seen this coming and she had no clue how she'd come out of it cleanly.
"Why would it matter now? You didn't notice them anyway," defended Hermione.
Ron agreed with this but he wouldn't let Hermione get away so easily. "But what if I had noticed? You didn't think of how painful it would have been for me once I found out about your real feelings."
"No, I don't think you will be after what you explained tonight," Hermione insisted although she was starting to feel guilty... again... for something else. She really wasn't nice to Ron.
"Still! You had no right to mess around with other people's feelings! What if I had noticed your hints and returned them? Or worse, what if I had fallen for you?!" Ron persisted.
"Are you- angry?" asked Hermione hesitantly.
"No, but I could've been."
Hermione didn't know how to respond to Ron's reaction, she wasn't sure if he was joking or if he was actually offended at what she may have done. Unexpectedly, Ron burst out with another realization. "Merlin! I know now! You were using me to get over Harry. You were dropping hints for me so that you could switch your feelings for Harry, to me!"
She really needed to learn not to underestimate Ron. Realizing that she had no way to reason her way out of the current predicament, she decided to apologize.
"All right! All right! I'm sorry. I just needed someone who could distract me." She tried not to look weak when she was apologizing but her eyes betrayed her as the tears tried to escape. "I'm getting desperate, you know. This has been going on for almost a year now and I still can't make myself get over him. You haven't felt it so you have no idea how hard it is for me."
"Okay, don't worry," Ron said placatingly, trying to be as careful as possible with a now emotional Hermione again. "I don't hate you or anything."
"You're not upset?" Hermione asked cautiously.
"Nah. That can't hurt me. It just brings my inferiority complex to its highest level and it's only stomped my self-esteem all the way to the ground, but that happens all the time, you get used to it," Ron joked, trying to make Hermione smile. He succeeded.
"You can't blame me! For a time there, you told me that you might fancy me, and my inferiority complex and self esteem were going in opposite directions! Well, with two girls trying to get me! What more could a bloke ask for?" Now he was trying to find amusement for himself and satisfied that he had. That alone showed that he wasn't really hurt.
"I am still really sorry," she offered.
"You should be," Ron replied shortly.
Feeling a little calmer, they both turned their attention to Harry.
"So, what do you plan to do?" Ron asked, looking serious again.
"Nothing. I have a bunch of reasons to help me get over him, though… it will be slow," she added as an afterthought.
"I may want to help you. Because I don't think what you plan to do is right," Ron interjected, showing his willingness to help in anyway he could.
"My only choice is to tell him- and have my heart broken, risking our friendship. Or ignore it and still remain the best of friends."
"You're starting to be different with him, you've been avoiding him and that can ruin your friendship, too." He'd actually noticed it these past few months, but it had only now started to make sense.
"It'll only be for a little while; while I try to get over him."
"You've been trying for almost a year."
"Just trust me. It's better this way," Hermione insisted. But she knows, deep down inside, her feelings will always be with her no matter what.