Johnson Normal Johnson 8 124 2003-01-26T15:13:00Z 2003-07-19T12:10:00Z 1 1813 10339 - 86 24 12128 10.2625 BestFit Clean Clean MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
Untamed Adoration
January 26th
Virginia,
I have sat here alone every night since you left me and still I cannot erase your words from my memories. I want to scream and shout, for the entire world to see what you've done to me, but I can't. Instead I am forced to sit here, on this bed, and think. There are no prizes for guessing what it is I think of. Never before have I been able to remember one moment so vividly. Virginia, it is you who is to blame for this.
You were wearing the simple clothes that every girl in Gryffindor wears, and yet there was something different about the way you wore it. Instead of looking dull and unimpressive amongst the colours of the world, you looked enchanting beyond words. Now though I realise that all you want is words to show you that I am more then this. So I will try to show you what I say when you walked through that door.
The moment you came to the door way of that small classroom, I could sense you there. I didn't need to look up and see you with my own eyes. Instead I could feel my heart beat pick up a bit and nervous butterflies flutter in my stomach. My head thought that I would never forgive you for such romantic notions going through me, but my heart silenced it the second it began. I became aware of nothing except you being near to me. If I had wanted to I could have reached out and touched you there and then, but I was so afraid that I would crush the beautiful flower that you are. Instead I resolved to do nothing except feel my own emotions trying to push through this mask.
You were right when you said I was nothing more then a man. What you didn't understand though was that I am trying not to be merely a man. A man is weak and can easily be broken down by their enemies. I wanted to be a god among men, and in many ways it was my own selfishness that led to what I have become. You would like to think that everything that tumbles from my lips is a lie, but you are wrong. That is the way I think and perceive the world around me. I am a cold and heartless "bastard" as you so rightly called me. I do take things for granted and expect to get my own way. You may think that I can change, but I can't. I was moulded to be this way and because of it I have become a god among my piers. I am more dark and terrible then the rest of them and there are no chinks in my armoured defence. I am still just a man though and I can't help but feel. Sometimes I would wish for the world to take me and numb the feelings that shudder through my body every time. I can't though. So I must wear a mask that portrays everything I think but nothing of what I feel.
When I finally did look up you matched up to every fantasy I had of you. Your hair neatly tumbled down your back like a fountain, yet there was something untamed about the way it rebelled your pleas for it to stay in place. A single strand of hair was falling in front of your eyes and my fingers itched just to push it behind your ears so I could look into those pools of ebony splendour. Every time I see you I long for you to look at me. That way I hope I might be able to see the spark that shone that day. Maybe if I could only look into your eyes I would be able to make everything better, either way. Instead though you avoid mine, knowing that I always seek out yours.
Your lips trembled slightly at the look I gave you and at first I thought I had scared you. I hadn't meant for you to see what I was feeling and I was surprised when you did. Maybe I wanted you to know how much I wanted you. It doesn't matter now though because I know you wished you hadn't seen my dark look. I wished forever away just to be able to press my lips against yours. I was curious to see how they would feel and whether they would somehow take away all the pain that was racing through me. Again though I couldn't do that. I had to let you bite into your lip nervously and let the precious time be held in those delicate hands of yours.
Hands have never seemed to me to be something that important in a relationship. Yours however were the exception. One light touch from them could send my head and heart into a war that could last forever. They seemed so small and china like in comparison to any other I had seen. Sometimes I would watch you curl a single strand of hair round your index finger as you thought about the world around you and wish that it was me you were touching instead of your hair. Something about your touch always makes me shiver with something I cannot describe. My heart seems to stop beating and all I can think about is taking hold of your hand and never letting go.
In that one swift glance of you I knew I wanted you. I had to have you or I might never again have been able to breath. Not knowing what you felt like beneath my lips would spin the world out of control, leaving me as the walking dead. So I did what came naturally. I did what I wanted.
I remember the shock that shone in your eyes when I gently took your hand in mine and kissed each digit of your fingers. I wasn't sure whether you wanted me to continue or not, but I HAD to. You tried to talk to me, but I shushed you with a soft kiss which seemed like heaven to my numbed body. You pulled away and looked at me in confusion. This hadn't been something you or I had expected. Friendship had been one thing, but this was something completely different. We had tolerated each other for months now because we had to, but when it came down to it I had learned that I wanted to spend all that time with you. The second you pulled away though I knew I had spoilt any friendship we might have ever had. This was something different. Something raw and unforgiving.
Again your eyes laid out all that you were feeling. I think I saw desire flash through them, but it could have been my own foolish wants. You pushed me away a little, sending hurt through me like a runaway train. You told me that you didn't know what was happening, but you thought that it shouldn't be. It was wrong against all your moral fibre and again I was disgusted with myself for feeling the same. At the same time though, I was stung by the fact you were letting all the obstacles get in the way. You went on to say that we shouldn't let ourselves be taken over by some "silly notion" that we might have something between us. What would your mother have said? What would my family had thought if they knew what I felt for you was deeper then anything else before?
As a Malfoy and a man though, I had to make you see and feel what was going through my mind. You tried to push my advances away again, and your voice shook with some hidden emotion. This time I wouldn't be stopped and I forced my will upon you.
You seemed taken aback by the fiery and violent kiss I gave you, and I don't blame you. We had hated each other for so long though that maybe it was all coming out in that one kiss. Soon though you were matching me move for move and I thought you might actually want and need me as much as I wanted and needed you. Something about the situation now though tells me I was deluded. I believe now that you were merely caught in the moment and thought me to be someone I was not. Every fibre in my body wants not to believe the whispers of my mind, but I can't help but feel they are right. Even when you whispered my name into my ear and poured your sweet sighs into my system, I can't stop from thinking you didn't want me.
I couldn't stop myself though and was greedy with my pleasures. You wanted to go to a bed where we could make love like lovers. I didn't want to do that though. I wanted to have you on the desk that I myself used everyday. At the time I felt that making love was for the lovers of this world. You and I were far from lovers. We hated each other so much that it had changed to a totally different level. You pleaded again and I made you choose between your dignity and your desire. I can only imagine how much you regret for your decision.
So there we were, ripping at clothing and scalding each others with kisses. It is unlike me to not be in full control of myself, but being with you was like not knowing how to breathe. It felt so right and yet I knew it was wrong. The only thing I could register was the way you smelt. It had been a long day and you had eaten strawberries at some point. I could tell from the taste on your sweet lips as they enclosed mine time and time again. The smell was almost enough to drive me insane. Yet there were more then the strawberries at work. The scent of your perfume had worn off with the long days work and though I could smell your body's heat, I could also smell hints of vanilla clinging to your clothes. It was beautiful and I craved for it to never fade from my skin.
Virginia, you were perfect in every way. It might not have been making love, but it meant more then a lifetime to me. The feeling of your skin still shocks me even now, and I find myself longing for your touch when I am alone. Then when we had finished and you lay there on the desk, I couldn't believe what I had done. I felt like a fool for letting myself indulge in such a carnal display of affection with someone beneath me. I was angry and spiteful towards myself and questioned why I had done something as stupid as let you get under my skin. I knew then that I would never be without your scent. You would haunt my dreams until they were no more. My head began to take control and I became annoyed at you for letting me touch you. Why did you do it? Why did you give something so precious to a monster like me? Still I have no answers.
I never meant to look at you in disgust. I never meant to get up off the desk and put my trousers back on while I watched you watch me. I never meant to tell you all the spiteful things I did. I just wanted to free you from my clutches. I wanted to hide away from those eyes of yours. I didn't want you to see me as I really was. I never meant to leave you crying half naked in an empty classroom. Your dignity was shattered and your desires thrown away as if it were filthy. Most of all, I never meant to hurt you.
You're probably thinking that this makes no difference to now. I know you hate me more then you ever had before, because you came close to loving me. Once that line has been crossed though, it can never be erased. I should know this now more then any other man alive. I don't know what I am and I don't know what I feel for you. I tried to find a word for it, but none could be found. I tried 'love' but when I read the definition I knew that what I feel for you is so much more then merely love. Again I find myself at a loss for words. Words though are all I can give you as you will not even see me.
This letter was supposed to be a love letter, but I'm sure you've read it all before in those romantic books you like to read. Or maybe you've heard some love song on that Muggle contraption of yours. Or maybe one of your friends, who don't understand a thing about you, told you about having received one. Maybe you've even read a love letter identical to this before and find it petty and almost childish. This is all I have to give the eyes that will not meet my own though. Even if you were to try and speak to me, I'm almost positive that my response would be harsh and unforgettable. This way I hope I can show you a small fraction of my love for you.
Virginia, I hate you so much that I love you in every way. All I ask is that you can forgive me because trying is all I have left to offer. If you cannot find it in your heart to do so then I don't know if we will be able to work together as teachers anymore. This is not some kind of black mail, but the plain honest truth. Working with you everyday would make wanting you so much more painful. I am only a man and this would be too much to suffer.
As my last note, I lied when I said red was the most vile colour in the universe and that you made it look even worse. In reality red has never looked so beautiful
Hope reigns eternal in my heart,
Draco
Authors Note: This is a one shot letter depending on whether or not I can think of how to continue it. Hope you enjoyed!