Hold On

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, I wouldn't have felt the need to write this.

Author's Note: I'm not sure why I'm posting this. It's sad, depressing, and other words of that nature. I thought it might be therapeutic to write, but I'm beginning to doubt it. After reading about JKR and her little writing problem she had (hotel room, champagne, crying, “people will loath book7”), I felt the need to get something out. I am frankly a little apprehensive (that is an understatement) about the book. So, that said, read it, review if you want. Sorry for the depressing nature of it. I wrote it more for me than anything.

You might want to listen to the song as you read, or not depending on how you feel.

Hold On

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell

She awoke up sitting straight up in bed. The room was dark around her as she tried to steady her breathing. The dream was still lingering on the edges of her consciousness and she could feel the fear pounding through her veins. Her skin her felt clammy, as if she had a fever and she knew her eyes were wide as they searched the darkness around her. Even though she was awake, she felt as if something had followed her and hid in the shadows waiting for her let her guard down and return to sleep.

She didn't to force herself to remember the dream. She'd been having them for the past few weeks. The more time past, the worse they got. Calling them dreams was silly though. The better name for it would be a nightmare. A mere dream would never cause this tightening in her chest and the cold feeling of dread falling over her.

She knew what was causing them too. Anyone with two brain cells would. She was so scared. Couldn't remember another time in her life when she had been this scared, and there had been plenty of chances for that to occur.

My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you

She wanted to believe that everyone would make out alive. She wanted to be that positive, felt she needed to be that person. There weren't enough of them around and Harry needed it. But when she saw him or thought about him, she always felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. `Oh, god, not him,' was all she could think. Cold, gripping fear took a hold of her daily anytime she wasn't busy.

She had tried preparing herself for the worse. She didn't tell anyone that because, again, she wanted to be the optimistic one. But this is war and people die in war. People she cares about have already died in this war. So she has tried to prepare herself. There is no way to do that. Thinking about never seeing him again is the most terrifying thought ever. Never seeing his face. Looking in his eyes. Hearing his voice. Seeing him walk into a room. Hear his sarcastic comments. Watch him play Qudditch. See his smile. Feel his arms around her returning a hug. Witnessing his temper. Receiving post from him.

There was no preparing for this.

She knew it could be any day now too. All of the remaining horcruxes had been found and destroyed. The tension was so overbearing that she felt as though there was no chance of ever breathing normal again. They were so young. He was so young. Not even eighteen. Looking at his eyes you would never guess he was only seventeen. He had seen too much. Yet, he hasn't even begun to experience life yet and certainly not the life of a normal teenager. Who has the right to decide the fate of one boy? Who can take that all away from one person? And they want everyone to believe that this world they belong to is wonderful. Being able to take someone's life and decide it for them is wonderful? Forcing someone to go through this makes this world superior?

She's just so angry and frustrated and scared.

I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face

The nightmare is still lingering with her thoughts and forcing her fears to the surface again. `Please let him get through this. I need him to.' Why would he have to suffer through all this and then not make it in the end. Not get the life he needs. Life is unfair she knows, but must it always be so cruel?

Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won't you take him when he comes to your door

She couldn't control the tears that suddenly overtook her. They fell freely down her pale face. Sobs shook her body. She couldn't lose him. Everyone knew that she was sure. She would tell him tomorrow though. He needed to know.

Before you die it's said that you see flashes of your life. She isn't dying right now, but all she can picture are memories of times with him. Most are meaningless. Flashes of studying together, eating in the Great Hall, walking to class, talking in the backyard of the Weasley's, Qudditch, just sitting silently by each other.

For so long she had be alone, then she wasn't. She didn't want to be alone again. She knew it would be worse this time. A completely different type of alone. Raw and never ending.

She has no idea what lies on the other side of this war. With him there, it's not so scary, but if he isn't, what she is going to do? Finish school? Work? Move through life like a zombie? Did she even care?

She needed to see him. Now. Even though it was in the middle of the night. Climbing out of bed and forgetting about the tears that were still falling, she went out to the hallway. Going across to his room, she opened the door carefully. He was asleep on his back, head turned towards her. His face was relaxed more than normal, but not completely. A few books littered the bed and his wand was still in his right hand.

Standing in the doorway, staring at him, she felt the sobs return again. She prayed this was just a moment of overreaction. That she would be able to laugh about it later. Everything would be fine. She was just being a silly girl.

He must have heard her, because before she knew it, he was up and had her in his arms. His never asked what was wrong. He just spoke soft words and rubbed her back. He probably felt the same way about them. No one wanted to lose anyone in this war. Especially him. He had lost so much.

Feeling his hands rubbing her back and being in his arms could make it all worse, but she needed this. All she could do was cling tightly to him as she cried and said all she had been thinking. She told of her nightmares, fears, and feelings. He stayed quiet through it all and only held her tighter.

Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell