The Things worth Fighting For
--
I meant every word I said
I never was lying when we talked in bed
I'm retracing every step in my head
What did I miss back then?
I was so, so misled
I'm waiting, waiting for nothing
You're leaving, leaving me hanging
When did your heart go missing?
"when did your heart go missing" by Rooney
--
It was that night that he decided to go through with one of the hardest things that he had ever done in his life.
"So what, that's it, just like that? Did you fall out of love with me, or what?" she asked him incredulously, forcing herself to hold back the tears, not wanting to let him see how much he hurt her-he didn't deserve that.
"Lils, it's not like that, I just-I think we need a break…" he said, finishing lamely.
She scoffed at him, "This is marriage, there aren't any breaks as far as that's concerned. It's bumpy, it's hell-"
"But it shouldn't be like that!" James exclaimed.
She looked at him wide eyed, horrified by his words, "No, but it's supposed to be worth it. I mean, haven't you ever heard the saying that `the best things in life are worth fighting for?'"
"Lily you have to understand-" he said, nearing her, trying to put a hand on her arm to comfort her, he needed her to understand.
"Don't you dare touch me you bastard!" she slapped his hand away, causing him to wince at the bite I her tone as she spoke to him, one that he hadn't heard in years.
She paused, taking deep breaths in a desperate attempt to regain control over her emotions, trying to keep the tears that were threatening to come at bay, he didn't deserve her tears and she wouldn't let him see them. When she spoke her voice was like none he'd ever heard before, it was so dead, she had given up. "you know what James, fine. It's over. You got what you want."
"I don't-"
She raised a hand, tiredly shaking her head as she glared at him, "Stop. Don't you dare say a thing, you're the one that chose to give up, you lose any rights to make up excuses now, I just-I don't care anymore James. Apparently I was wrong because you're obviously not worth it."
He knew that that he should let her go at that point, after all, he'd been the initiator, he had wanted to end it, but he just couldn't bring himself to end it that way, even if he didn't deserve better, he'd always been a selfish bastard, he couldn't deny that fact anymore. "At least talk to me-"
"I'm done James," she told him, clearly annunciating and putting emphasis on each word. "If you can just give up like that, you're honestly not worth it," she spat in his face before disapparating from the room, leaving him standing in the middle of the room, alone and shocked.
He stood there for what felt like hours, just staring that the spot she had been standing in before she left him, he wasn't sure when he went into that trance or when he left to return to the party, it was all just a blur that he couldn't seem to comprehend.
"Oy mate, where's Lils? I wanted to show her something," a tipsy Sirius asked, throwing an arm around his mate and shoving a drink into his hand as they watched the people on the dance floor making the best of the evening.
"She left," James said, still in a slight state of shock over what had happened, what he had admitted to.
"What?" Sirius asked, giving him a quizzical look. "Why would she do that? It's my birthday party for fuck's sake," Sirius exclaimed.
James just stayed silent in response, intent on avoiding his best friend's eyes.
"James, wha-what happened?"
"It's over mate," he told him before walking away, leaving a confused Sirius rooted in the middle of the hallway.
--
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
"Dare you to Move" by Switchfoot
--
It was an hour later that the intervention took place.
He was sitting in a corner in the room drinking himself into a state of oblivion when Remus and Sirius grabbed him by the arm, pulling him into the nearest empty room.
"What's going on James?" Remus asked him as soon as they entered the room.
"What do you mean?" he asked, well aware of how cowardly it was to pull the ignorant act.
"Why are you doing this on my birthday of all days? Why are you ruining this day for me like this? I mean what the hell is going on and where the fuck is Lily?" Sirius asked him incredulously, anger coursing through him as he anticipated the inevitable answer-the one that he was praying against all hope to never come through James's mouth.
"I- I ended it," he said.
Remus and Sirius stood in a stunned silence until Remus finally broke it, "Listen mate, I know you two haven't been having the best time, given the schedule you two have, but it's you and Lily, you can get through anything."
"It's not like that- not this time."
"Then what is it like, because I really don't see the logic behind any of this. Why the hell would you screw up the best thing in your life like that?" Sirius exclaimed, fighting the urge to hit the man that he had once called his brother.
"I think-I fell out of love with her," James whispered, falling into the closest chair as the realization hit him with full force.
"Listen James, come on mate, that can't be true-" Remus tried to rationalize, bring some sense back into his friend.
"No, it is-"
James, however, was interrupted by the door slamming as Sirius left the room in a huff. James groaned, throwing his head into his hands in aggravation.
Remus looked down at him pityingly, shaking his head at the sight. "You two, you're like an institution James, you can't just fall out of love like that, for fuck's sake, you're married."
"It's not there anymore Remus, it's just not," he whispered, tears threatening to come at the prospect of all that he was losing by finally admitting it to himself.
"All I see that's not there is your brain," he told him with a glare before leaving him.
--
Turn out the light
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty.
Press my face to the ground
I've gotta find a reason.
Just scratching around
For something to believe in:
Something to believe in.
"Something to Believe in" by Aqualung
--
It was two hours later that he walked into the manor two hours later with the intent of speaking to Lily, explaining himself to her, trying to get her to understand.
He couldn't lose her.
Not fully.
He needed to ensure that there'd be a chance that one ay they'd be able to be in one another's lives again. He needed her; he may have fallen out of love with her, but that, that had never changed. In some way she'd always be his world, no matter what was going on between the two. He knew he was a selfish bastard, but he couldn't help it.
He looked through the manor for her, calling for her, but he never received a reply, not that that was much of a surprise given what had just transpired between the two.
He entered the room and, while he knew it shouldn't, what he saw broke him.
There, on his bed, were signed divorce papers with a note attached to them.
I thought we were more than this-
that you were braver, stronger than this.
I honestly never thought you'd break my heart James.
He sat on the bed and he cried, he cried for the first time in his life, he cried over the loss of his best friend, his love- the love that had once been there.
--
It was two months later that the courts proceedings to finalize the divorce took place.
"Mr. DeAbreu where is your client?" James's lawyer asked Lily's as the three sat in his office for the preliminary proceedings over the ancillary relief.
James, however, wasn't paying attention to what was going on, his gaze was intently fixed upon the office's windows that showed the hallway, he was looking for her, he needed to see her. It was only when DeAbreu responded that his attention finally returned to the lawyers.
"She won't be coming, instead she sent me to represent her interests on my own."
James's lawyer, Olsen, looked at DeAbreu incredulously, "I hope you two realize the consequences of this-"
"Yes, but Ms. Evans did not wish to come; either way, you win, she requested that Mr. Potter receives everything," he told him dryly.
"What?! No!" James suddenly exclaimed taking everyone by shock.
"Mr. Potter you are aware of what this would mean for you-" his lawyer began, trying to find a way to shut him up so he wouldn't ruin the case for him, but James didn't even afford him the chance before interrupting.
"S she can't do this, she has to take something. It's just-it's wrong."
Her lawyer sighed, "Olsen, do you mind leaving so Mr. Potter and I can talk?"
Olsen was already confused by the entire situation, having never had a problem convincing people to take money, usually it was the dilemma of getting them to separate from it, but the idea of leaving the two alone was unfathomable. "I'd rather not-"
"Go," he gruffly ordered his lawyer.
Once Olsen was out of earshot DeAbreu finally spoke to him, "she doesn't want it Potter."
"Well she's going to take it whether she wants to or not."
Her lawyer just rolled his eyes in frustration, "you don't get it, do you? She loved you, for some reason that is totally beyond me she thought you were the love of her life, then you go and pull that shit. For once think of her you wanker, do something for her!"
James paused, running a hand through his hair in his frustration, "That's not fair Derek; she can't just ask this of me. She can't just leave it like this, like it never happened, as if we were never married."
"why not, you ended it as if she meant nothing to you, what's so horrible about her reaction?-Listen, in the end it's your choice, but as one of her friends, I'd recommend that you just do as she asks, she hates you enough as it is, don't make it worse."
"She hates me?"
"Honestly, what do you expect, seriously just look at what you put her through."
"I was trying to be honest-"
"Listen I really don't care anymore I don't like you as it is, so don't try to explain yourself to me, it's pointless because my opinion of you isn't going to change any time soon."
"So this is what she really wants?" he asked with a defeated sigh.
"Yeah."
He sighed, "Fine, I'll do it."
--
It was that night that Sirius finally spoke to him again.
"I didn't think I was ever going to talk to you again to tell you the truth," Sirius said as he unexpectedly taking a seat by James at the bar of the Leaky Cauldron.
"I didn't think you were either."
They sat there in an uncomfortable silence, each side afraid to broach the issue that they knew would have to be confronted sooner or later. Finally Sirius let out a deep breath, turning to James, "I'll be honest with you Prongs, I hate you for what you did to her, and on some level I'll always resent you for it, but- you're still my brother and as much as I want to, I can't forget that."
"I didn't want to hurt her."
Sirius smiled weakly at him, "In the end, that doesn't matter; all that does is that you did."
"I know."
"No you don't," Sirius said with a sigh, "you really just don't. You don't understand, you can't see what you had, how lucky you were to have her, to have it, that love in your life. Do you have any idea how many people go their entire lives searching for that, but never finding it?"
"I didn't have it Sirius, that's why I ended it; we both deserve to find it."
"You're so blind, but you know what I honestly don't care anymore… just remember this James: if it was as you had said, you wouldn't so desperately need her in your life right now, you wouldn't miss her this much. You two were never friends, it was always so much more," he told him with one last pitiful look before leaving him.
--
you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
"Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls
--
It was two years later when Sirius finally forgave him-really forgave him.
While Remus had been managed to give in six months after the divorce was finalized, reluctantly accepting James's logic as time went on, claiming that there wasn't anything he could do to change his opinion anymore anyway. Sirius was a different case, he had always remained true to his word, that underlying resentment that he had promised had always been there, casting a dark shadow over their friendship for two long years, even if neither ever wanted to admit to it.
"She's happy."
"Who?" James asked Sirius as the two sat at the Leaky Cauldron drinking after coming back from a mission.
"Lily, she's happy- really happy," Sirius smiled.
"You talk to her?" James asked. Lily, she'd always been a taboo topic as far as the group was concerned, each too afraid to bring it up and ruin their already fragile relationship.
"Yeah, I found her, last year. We've been owling ever since. I just-I thought I'd tell you, you know, that she's happy."
"Well I'm glad, that's good," James said, ignoring the internal unrest that came with the detail Sirius had revealed to him.
"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" Sirius said with a smile. "She deserves that in life, I always thought so."
There was an awkward silence between the two until Sirius finally downed the rest of his drink, looking up at the clock, "ugh, I should go, early morning tomorrow and at the rate we're going I won't be able to get up form the hangover. I'll see you later mate," Sirius said, clapping him on the back before leaving.
While he didn't realize it until later, it was that night that Sirius finally really forgave him.
It was also that night that James began to realize that something had gone wrong with his plan.
--
It's been so long since I've heard your voice,
Except inside of my head.
Waiting for your phone call to ring,
Replaying things that you said.
"Sometimes the Sun" by the Lashes
--
It was three years later that he finally saw her again.
He saw her for the first time in five years that Friday evening. He walked into the Leaky Cauldron as he did every night after work for a nightcap before heading home, but that night, unlike all those before it, he saw her at the bar, brooding and nursing an undistinguishable drink.
She looked liked how he felt everyday.
"Hey Tom," he called the bartender, "get her a firewhiskey on the rocks and put all her drinks on my tab."
"You got it mate," he told him before going off to make the drink.
James watched the scene. Surprise washed over him when he saw that Lily actually smiled when seeing that the drink was from him.
"Hey Potter," she greeted him as she took a seat by him, putting both of her drinks on the bar.
He smiled at her, "You look good Lils."
"Thanks, you do too."
"It's good to see you."
"Young know I never thought I'd say it, but same here," she told him sincerely.
"So what are you doing here? You were never one for getting pissed at a bar after work; you tend to prefer clubbing for de-toxing."
"What can I say, life's a bitch," she told him, albeit a bit cynically, with a shrug.
"I can relate."
Lily smiled weakly.
"Hey, Lily, call for you," Tom told her as he brought the phone to her.
"Hey love," she greeted the person on the other side of the phone, an unexpected smile gracing her face as she spoke to the person. "How'd you know I was here?"
"No, I'm fine. Just stressed and a bit aggravated-had a horrible day at work. Anyway, I just figured I'd save you the trouble of dealing with a pissed off, hormonal Lily."
"I'll be home by eleven at the latest, I promise."
"Bye, love you too," she said before hanging up the phone and returning it to Tom with a quick "thank you."
"Who was that, roommate?" James asked
"Um, no… my husband," she told him with a weak smile, obviously uncomfortable at the mention.
"You-you're married?" James sputtered.
"Yeah, pregnant too, which is why I actually wanted to give this back to you," she told him as she slid her drink to him. "Although I have to admit that it's quite a shame given that that's my favorite drink."
"I know, always was," he said, still in a daze as he tried to process what she had said.
She was married and pregnant.
"So you're pregnant?" he chocked out.
She smiled, biting her lip at the thought, "yeah, it's a boy. Jason, my husband, is set on naming him Jason Junior; personally, though, I'm rooting for Harry-my favorite grandfather was named Harry."
He nodded, that was the name he'd always wanted to name his son, after his father. "It's a nice name."
She laughed, "Glad you think so, now I just have to convince the father."
He forced himself to smile at that comment, but he knew she could tell by the uncomfortable silence that ensued. She always knew him too well for him to be able to get away with anything.
"When?"
"When what?" she asked, either genuinely confused or trying to avoid the topic at hand-he didn't know and he didn't really care all that much at the moment.
"When did you get married?"
"Last year. We met in Australia," she said with that small smile that she had once reserved only for him.
Comprehension dawned upon him, "That-that's where you've been all this time?"
"Yeah, I left the night-well you know," she winced at the memory, preferring not to rehash those events.
"Yeah," James whispered.
"I-I just needed to get away-"
"I get it," he gruffly told her, more out of guilt than annoyance though. He may be a selfish git, but even he could face the fact that he didn't deserve an explanation, that he wasn't worth one-not after what he had put her through.
There was a pause as they both took long sips from their drinks, Lily finally turned to him after three minutes of uncomfortable silence was shared between the two, "What about you James, how's life?"
"Head Auror."
"Congratulations," she said with a wide smile at the news.
He grinned sheepishly, unable to deny his pride over the accomplishment that he had worked so hard for, "Yeah thanks, I really love it."
"Well you should, it's an honor!"
"Yeah," he said, nervously running a hand through his hair.
"So how's life in general? Any special lady?" she asked with a slight teasing tone that made him want to heave. Talking to an ex, more importantly Lily, about that was just wrong, especially when she appeared so genuinely interested in the topic.
That, however, wasn't even the worst of it. It was a disgust at what the question signified signified.
She was over him.
She didn't love him anymore. She couldn't if she was so interested in that aspect of his life.
"No one special, kind of married to my work at the moment."
"Oh well that's a shame, you deserve to have someone in your life James," she said with a frown. She suddenly looked up at the clock, "I should go, Jason expects me home in five minutes."
"Yeah," he said with a sigh, "It was nice seeing you Lils."
"You too James," she said with a smile, lightly patting him on the back before leaving.
--
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say
"your Ex-Lover is Dead" by the Stars
--
It was the next morning that he got the shock of his life in the form of a letter.
I can't leave it like we did last night, it all felt too incomplete.
Please meet with me at 12 for lunch today at the Green Tavern.
I just-I really just need to talk to you,
Lily.
And it was with that letter that he soon found himself sitting in a restaurant waiting for Lily to come, anxious at the prospect of talking to Lily-nervous when mentally recounting the list of horrible things she could have to say about him, and worst of all, all with good reason.
"Hey, sorry I'm late," Lily greeted him as she took a seat across from him at the table.
"No it's okay, I was early, you're actually right on time," he assured her.
"Oh good, I was so afraid you'd been waiting for me forever when I saw you. My watch actually broke yesterday so I really had no clue what time it was."
"So you wanted to talk."
Lily laughed nervously in surprise, "wow you really get to the point, don't you?"
He chuckled, "I'm an auror, it's my job."
"Good to know, I'll make sure to stay be on my toes around you from now on as you're so intuitive," she winked at him.
"So, you were saying?"
"Oh right. Well I know this is going to sound weird, but I wanted to say thank you."
"Thank you?" he asked her incredulously.
"Yeah, I know, sounds retarded, but yeah. I just-if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have experienced all the things that I did these past five years, seen all that I did. You- you helped me find Jason and I'll always be grateful for that. As time went on I realized that if you fell out of love with me, then I probably would have with you with time. It's different with Jason, so I wanted to say thank you, thank you for helping me find someone that loves me as much as I do him."
"Um, you're welcome," he said, more than slightly confused.
Lily smiled, "yeah I know, never figured that the girl you'd dumped would be thanking you for it. Odd situation, isn't it?"
"More than a bit," he sheepishly admitted.
"I just, I wanted to clear the air, maybe start over, try to be mates, because I think we'd do well as that."
James smiled, a bit unsurely, but it was a genuine smile all the same, "yeah, I think I'd like that."
"Good."
--
It was that moment that the worst realization ever befell him.
He had gotten everything that he had ever wanted, even a friend in her when he didn't deserve it.
Too late, however, did he finally see that what they had had actually was perfect, so perfect in its imperfections, those that he had spent countless hours over analyzing and torturing himself over. Too late did he realize that she had been right when she had said that nothing worth having ever came easily, but in fact, you had to fight for it, put all that you had into it.
He lost it all and all that he could ever hope for was being the best friend Lily could ever have and maybe one day finding a woman who could at least flicker some semblance of interest in him, make him almost forget what he knew that he never really would.
Fin.
--
Author's Note: somethings about this one-shot were bothering so I ahd to fix it, but I hope you enjoyed it and please review
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