Because of You

[AN]: Well, here it is. As promised I'm back for good and you'll be glad to know that the long awaited confrontation has finally arrived. It's a heavy chapter, probably worth a second read to let the emotion sink in. I hope it's everything you could ask for in a climatic meeting between two lovers torn apart.

You're reviews on my last chapter were amazing - thank you so much. It made my return even sweeter. However, I had 800+ hits on the chapter and only about 25 reviews! It doesn't take long - even a sentence of feedback is welcomed. Let me have it if you want! Tell me what you liked, didn't like - what you would have done differently. I'd love to improve my writing, to know what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong - but can only do so with your help!! So review!! It takes no time at all and means a lot to your authors!

On to the good stuff, shall we?

As always, I own nothing. Feedback and reviews are appreciated.

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It had come to Hermione's attention that every step closer to Harry cracked her resolve just a bit. Her original surge of courage was quickly waning and she could feel her palms getting moist. She had made it all the way into the kitchen when she suddenly wasn't so sure she'd be able to continue. What had started out as a confident trek to confront the man she loved was losing steam fast. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe she was crazy to even consider facing him now, after all this time; on his wedding day no less. What if he ignored her? What if he yelled at her? Fear crept slowly up her neck with each heartbeat. Yet, something was keeping her grounded. Something was stopping her from fleeing.

It was terror.

She was not terrified of Harry's reaction. Unsure, uneasy and scared possibly, but not terrified. The source of her terror ran much deeper. Hidden in the depths of her soul, she was terrified of regretting this afternoon forever. She was terrified of letting her last chance slip through her fingers. She was terrified of never knowing what might have been, had she just spilled her heart to Harry.

Her conflicted thoughts were broken when a strong arm wrapped around her shoulders. A jovial faced Mr. Weasley shook her roughly and laughed.

“Hermione Granger! I can not believe my eyes!” he bellowed.

“Hello Mr. Weasley.” she responded, forcing a bright smile and giving a polite nod.

“Well how have you been? Do tell! Merlin it's been a long time since I've seen you around!”

“I've been well. Busy.” Hermione said, inflicting as much cheer into her voice as possible.

“Great to hear it. You're name is still famous at the ministry, you know. What you did for House Elves was unprecedented. Kingsley still mentions what a huge loss it was when you decided to leave. Ah, well bigger and better I always say. Making yourself at home I hope?”

Hermione nodded. She couldn't speak. The mention of the ministry had turned her tongue to cotton. It had been two long years since she'd even set foot inside its walls. It was ironic that she ended up turning down the promotion she'd been so desperate to take. In fact, she'd left altogether. She didn't deserve the promotion anymore; she didn't deserve to have her dreams play out. Leaving the ministry had only added to her heartbreak, but she'd been unable to keep from punishing herself.

Her mind broke from the memory. For the moment, Mr. Weasley seemed to have turned his attention to another guest. Afraid he'd return to their conversation and want to further discuss her abrupt departure from the ministry, Hermione made a beeline for the staircase a few feet to the right, only hoping her desperation for escape wasn't too obvious. She climbed the flight of stairs quickly, taking them two at a time. Once safely on the first landing, away from the possibility of Mr. Weasley's probing questions and the watchful eyes of her former classmates and friends, she allowed herself a deep, heavy sigh. Hermione leaned against the wall, steadying herself. She'd known this day would drudge up painful memories, but there was no real way to prepare for the sting. She rubbed her temples, still wondering if she'd been completely crazy to come at all. She wondered how long she could hide up here, in the comfort of the empty hallway before someone, anyone wondered where she'd gone. No one will wonder; they'll all just assume you finally got your head on straight and left with what little dignity you had remaining. The thought made her sad. When had her life gotten so messed up? Everything had held such promise and now she was hiding on the Burrow staircase about to witness Harry's marriage to Ginny.

Suddenly realization hit her like a rogue bludger. Staring idly down the hallway, something sobering sent a chill down her spine. Harry.

He was only a few feet away from where she now stood. If her perception was correct than his door was just a few steps away on the left. Her stomach turned and her heart began beating erratically as her eyes bore into the wooden door, trying desperately to see past it. She took slow deep breaths and tried to calm herself down. She could just turn around and go back down the stairs. She could keep going; right out the front door, into the sedan. She could go home and file the day away into the back of her mind with all the other bad memories she tried to keep smothered. But even as she let these thoughts filter through her mind in an attempt at comfort, she knew that there would be no turning around.

She knew it wouldn't be long before the ceremony started. Her window of opportunity was quickly closing. Courage or no courage, it was now or never. Flattening the front of her dress she inhaled deeply then moved slowly towards the door. It felt as though she'd lost control of her body. She willed her feet to stop; begged for a few more moments to work up her nerve, but they ignored the request. Now, in a matter of seconds, she was standing outside Harry's door. Fear squeezed her throat as a balled up fist rose from her side. All in; it was now or never. Two years of baggage was about to be blown wide open and there was no stopping it; no softening the blow. Despite the alarms ringing loudly in her head, she knocked.

There was a long moment of silence. It took all she had not to flee down the stairs and away from the Burrow. She held her breath. Then…

“Yeah? Come in.”

Hearing his voice sent shivers across her skin. Tears pooled in her eyes, but she blinked them away; angry at how easily they'd given her up. She placed a shaking sweaty hand on the doorknob.

Harry rose up off the bed and looked expectantly at the door. It was probably Neville now, coming to check up on him. He sighed. He didn't need checking up on. He was fine. He was okay. He'd seen Hermione and the world hadn't exploded. He'd just avoid her the rest of the night; it was simple as that. There were plenty of other people here to help keep the distance. Yeah, he was okay.

The door opened and the next thirty seconds seemed to play out in slow motion. It wasn't Neville at the door; it wasn't anyone he'd been prepared for. No, it was her. It was Hermione. She stood in the doorway; her dark brown eyes as wide as saucers, face pale, jaw stiff with determination. Seconds felt like hours as they stood face to face for the first time in two and a half years; for the first time since he'd thrown her out of the flat that painful afternoon long ago. Neither spoke, neither moved; both seemingly paralyzed by the mere presence of the other. They seemed to be taking each other in, neither completely certain the person before them was truly real. Then, Hermione blinked and the trance lifted. Harry made a choking sound as he tried to swallow.

“Hello, Harry.” she whispered in an unsteady voice, moving into the room.

He didn't respond. Instead, he watched her nervously twist her fingers around the silver necklace she was wearing. She shifted uncomfortably under his eyes. She wracked her brain for something to say; anything to keep her head above water in a room that was quickly flooding.

“I saw Ron. He said you were up here, I just wanted…”

“Ron sent you up here?” Harry interrupted, his voice low and tinged with annoyance. Hermione hadn't been expecting it and she jumped.

“No! He just…I just…Congratulations, Harry. Marriage. Wow. That's really…this is really great. I'm so, so happy for you”

Harry stared incredulously at her for a moment. Then his expression changed and became almost thoughtful. For a second she thought he might laugh. He didn't. She moved nervously across the room to the window over looking the backyard. She glanced out and for an instant wished she could just jump. She already felt as though she were free falling. Behind her, Harry cleared his throat. She spun to face him.

“What are you doing here, Hermione?” he asked stiffly; his voice a barely audible whisper.

Hermione felt a sting. She shifted her weight, suddenly becoming extremely self-conscious. She wasn't sure what he was referring to; “here” as in his bedroom or “here” as in his wedding. Not completely sure of the answer to the first herself, she decided to go for the latter.

“I-I-I was invited.” she answered, knitting her brows and biting at her lip. She could feel it quiver between her teeth.

Harry shrugged.

“Well, Mrs. Weasley handled the invitations...” he said coolly, letting his voice trail off.

Hermione opened her mouth, then slowly let it close again. She wasn't sure what he'd meant by the statement, but it made her throat tighten. She could tell it definitely didn't translate into “I'm so glad you came”. She swallowed hard, deciding to push on.

“How have you been?”

Again Harry just stared at her. After a moment he shook his head and sunk down onto the bed. He hung his head between his legs and scratched the back of his neck.

“Harry, it's been so long, I know, but…”

“Hermione, please. Please? I don't know what you were thinking coming here but, I can't do this. Not now.” Harry looked up at her and sighed, then closed his eyes.

Silence enveloped the room for the third time. Hermione stood stone still, unable to move and barely able to breathe. She was desperately trying to compose a face-saving, nonchalant means of escape; hoping to somehow salvage the situation.

Harry cracked his knuckles then rose off the bed. He shrugged sadly in her direction and stuck his hands in his pockets. Her heart beat was deafening and she was positive he could hear it, even from across the room.

“I just can't.” he whispered.

Harry turned to leave and Hermione felt an unexpected swell of emotion. If not now, when? She'd already waited much too long. She'd waited in uncertainty for two years, punishing herself relentlessly, justifying her pain as a sacrifice for Harry's happiness. In less than an hour, he'd be married and the truth would be lost forever. Her shot at real, true love would be gone. She needed to tell him. She needed to tell him, now.

“I never slept with Viktor.”

Harry froze mid-step in the door way. Time stood still and life hung, suspended in the shock of the moment. Then ever so slowly he turned back around to face her. She studied his face, frantically searching for a sign of emotion. For a moment his eyebrows were scrunched in confusion. Then gradually, understanding passed across his face. His eyes widened and he stared at her incredulously with his mouth hanging slightly open. Hermione felt herself begin to crack as tears filled her eyes. She'd started, now she just had to finish. Waist deep in the thickness of fear and relief, she pushed on.

“I never…we never…” she closed her eyes, searching for strength. “The night happened exactly the way I first explained. Do you remember? Dinner, the pub…nothing else; nothing more. I swear it.”

Harry's face was a sickeningly striking shade of white. His emerald eyes were practically glowing as they bore into her. He hadn't moved much and from what she could tell, he'd stopped breathing altogether.

“Harry, I'm so sorry.” she whispered desperately through a quivering voice.

Harry swallowed hard; his head was swimming. None of this made sense. There was a long stretch of silence before he spoke.

“What…How? What are you talking about? Why…you said…”

He stumbled over the words, unable to make a cohesive sentence. His voice was grainy, like he had a mouth full of sand. He felt a swell of hurt rolling in waves over his body. He was transported back, back two and a half years ago, back to a place he didn't want to be, a place that now, he didn't understand. The grip he'd been struggling to keep on his life was slipping; the floor was being pulled out from under him.

“Harry, please. Just listen. I just-I thought if you hated me more…” she choked, voice shaking, “if you hated me instead of hating yourself, you'd-you'd be ok. You'd be better. I loved you so…so…”

Her voice faltered. She watched Harry; feeling like every nerve in her body was electrified. For a second, she thought he might burst into tears. His jaw began clenching and unclenching feverously and his eyes were wide and unblinking. Another cold silence stretched painfully between them, filling the room. Hermione waited for the blow. He seemed to be starting to wrap his head around the situation. The initial shock was breaking way to a hundred new emotions - betrayal, anger, confusion and something unexpected; relief, which he tried to ignore; not near ready to investigate where that feeling was coming from. Slowly, he spoke again.

“You thought I'd be ok?” he spat through clenched teeth. There was a venom in his voice that brought Hermione back to a dark time; a frightening time. If she wasn't one hundred percent sure that she couldn't understand Parceltongue, she'd swear he had just spoke it now. It sent a chill through her bones.

“Harry…” she begged. “You were so, so sad. I was scared. I didn't know what would happen to you. You weren't eating, you weren't attending training…you were just barely floating through life. I didn't know what to do. I was terrified and I panicked. I-I always have a plan, I can always figure out a solution. I couldn't this time.” She blinked back a rush of tears. “I couldn't reach you; you closed me out. You closed out everyone.”

Daggers shot from Harry's ice cold eyes. Then, something unexpected happened; he laughed. But, it wasn't joyous. It was dark and chilling and made Hermione wrap her arms around herself. It was eerie and somewhat frightening. Something passed behind his eyes.

“Do you have any idea what you did to me? I lost everything. Hermione, you took everything.” The laughter had vanished. His voice was now dry and detached.

“I wanted to tell you the truth. You…you sold the flat. You moved back to the Burrow. And then I heard you were engaged…to Ginny.”

He turned suddenly and slammed his fists against the wall. Hermione jumped.

“Don't you dare bring her name into this.” He paused, recomposing himself. “What did you expect me to do? I couldn't stay there. I couldn't live there…with the memories and the reminders. I don't know why I'm even telling you this.”

It broke Hermione's heart to hear him say these things; to imagine his pain as he stood in the bedroom of their flat wondering what he'd done wrong; wondering how she'd been able to hurt him so deeply. A sob escaped from between her lips.

“I didn't want to hurt you! I just didn't know what to do. The whole situation freaked me out!” she cried. “I lost it. I cracked. Harry, I wasn't ready for a family. I wasn't ready for children. We were so young! I had just spent seven years working my arse off at Hogwarts to be at the top of the class and not just for the hell of it. I wanted a good job with the Ministry. Not to mention we haven't had time to even breathe without fearing for our lives since we were twelve. I just wanted a break. I wasn't ready for more sacrifices. I wanted a chance to make something of myself.”

Harry snorted.

“Sorry having a family with me wasn't considered `making something of yourself'.”

Hermione wasn't sure where these words were coming from, but it felt as though they were literally pouring out of her heart. Her cheeks were wet with tears and her voice was cracking through every sentence, but she was all in now.

“Don't do that, Harry. It wasn't that. It wasn't that at all. I just wasn't ready yet. For our entire lives we've needed to show strength beyond our years. We never got to be immature; we never got to be irresponsible. I wasn't ready to have to share you again. And maybe that's selfish, but for Merlin's sake I think I've earned the right to be a little self-centered. I felt guilty, I felt so guilty. I was so relieved when I lost the baby. I felt like I could breathe again. Of course I felt for you. Harry, I loved you. But you, you were so sad. You wanted that baby. I didn't want to hurt you. I made a mistake; such a huge, huge mistake.” she stammered, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. “I didn't want to lie to you.”

Harry let out another obnoxious laugh.

“Didn't want to hurt me!?” he yelled, shaking his head. “And, you didn't just lie to me Hermione. You killed me. You practically killed me. I've had Dementors suck the life out of me and that was nothing, nothing like the unhappiness I've felt because of you. You made me believe…” his voice cracked and Hermione winced. “For three years I believed that child was never mine. You made me believe that scum, that fucking Bulgarian bastard was the father. Do you know what I went through? Imagining his hands on you? Picturing him taking something so precious from me? Thinking…” He couldn't continue. His voice trailed of despondently.

Hermione had never heard Harry cuss before. Not really anyways. Sure, he'd get loose with his words after a few firewhiskys or throw an obscenity or two at the radio during a Quidditch match on the WWN, but nothing like this. Nothing like the pure hatred he had inflicted into those words. He stared at Hermione, his faced lined with hurt and anger. She took a deep breath.

“I'm so sorry, Harry. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to lose you, but I couldn't bear to see you in such pain. It wasn't something I planned. I just, said it. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know where it came from. I wanted…I needed you to stop hurting. You wouldn't…you couldn't stop blaming yourself.” she sobbed through new free flowing tears. “I didn't want to lose you.”

She let her head drop, feeling her tears run off the tip of her nose. Harry glared at her, shaking his head in utter disbelief. When he spoke, his voice was steady - low and calculated.

“It's my wedding day, Hermione. I haven't seen you…I haven't talked to you in more that two and a half years. And now you're here and you're telling me this and I'm getting married in half an hour. What do you want me to do? I mean, what were you expecting me to say? You're the smart one, right? So please, tell me what it is you want me to do.”

Hermione sniffed and whimpered, his words cutting through her. What did she expect? Harry waited a moment, but when she offered no answer, he shrugged and shook his head.

“I'm getting married.” he said again quietly. “Today…to Ginny. I'm getting married…and I have to go.”

And with that he turned and walked out of the room, leaving Hermione to watch the only man she ever loved leave her. Completely exhausted, she fell to her knees, collapsing in on herself. Words, feelings, thoughts she'd never allowed herself to recognize had burst from her heart. She sobbed into her hands, unable to catch her breath, letting three years of pain and regret bubble to the surface and overflow.

[A/N]2: There. I really hope I've done the characters and the situation justice. [Keeping it realistic; no “wimpy” Harry; no giving Hermione the easy way out!]. This chapter was heavy on the angst, I know - but it's also an easy chapter to screw up. You need to find the right balance - making sure the long awaited confrontation isn't rushed or glazed over. I'm hoping maybe some of your hearts have softened for Hermione. Obviously, she's in no way off the hook, but I like the insight into Hermione's head this chapter gives. Any who, we still have a few chapters left to go, so have no fear my Harmony shippers. Our duo has an interesting road ahead of them - and your burning questions are still to be answered. [Yes, we will find out what is in Ron's speech!].

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