Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any characters. I don't own anything really.
"He's staring at you again," Adelaide whispered.
Lily didn't need her friend to point out the obvious. She could feel his eyes on her as she tried to scratch out another inch about gillyweed for herbology. It was annoying, but not unexpected.
Glynis snorted. "Everyone's been staring at Lils, here, Addy." She rolled her eyes at the face Lily pulled, before wisely turning back to her paper. "Where does this bloody weed grow again?"
"Highland lochs" Adelaide responded at the same time Lily murmured, "Mediterranean."
Addy looked up momentarily at Lily before pouring back over her essay to change her incorrect answer. Lily took advantage of her friend's distraction to glance across the common room. She met James Potter's eyes immediately, before he had the grace to turn back to his own books, seemingly ashamed at having been caught.
Lily didn't blame him much. After all, it was a difficult thing to do - to stare at someone without them noticing. So difficult in fact that most people at Hogwarts seemed not to bother the past week. Lily had gotten used to the feel of eyes on the back of her head - the front and side of her head too for that matter. The rushed, guiltily turned heads when she looked up from her plate in the Great Hall or the shushed whispers as she walked down a corridor had become almost common place now.
True, some made a noble effort to conceal their stares, like the boy sitting across the common room from her now. Her roommates were part of the few other groups that tried to be discrete to no avail.
"Lils?" Lily realized with a start that said friends were even now trying to get her attention.
"Hmm?" She asked glancing up finally.
"I said that we're heading up to bed," Glynis repeated, not bothering to hide her look of concern.
"Actually," Adelaide jumped in. "What you said was `I'm sick of this damned bloody essay and I'm turning it in as is even if I have to take the last three inches up with the words, `THE END.'"
Lily smiled gently. It sounded a lot more in character for her brash friend. "Go on up. I'll join you in a moment," she gestured at her own essay which was tantalizingly close to being complete - without Glynis' last two words.
The two girls standing exchanged glances before sitting back down. "I do have some more charms to read up on now that you mention it," Glynis remarked, searching through her bag.
Lily clenched her jaw tightly once, then twice, before responding. "I don't need a bodyguard. I'll be fine on my own for the five minutes it will take to finish this up," she insisted, her voice appearing more strained than she intended.
Another obvious glance was shared and had Lily grinding her teeth. Noticing this fact, Adelaide wisely jumped up. "If you're sure . . ."
"I'm sure," Lily practically growled.
Glynis looked ready to comment, but Adelaide thankfully pulled her up the stairs before she could do so.
Lily counted to five in her head before letting out a deep sigh, practically collapsing into her high backed chair. Her friends meant well - better than most of the voyeurs she had had to put up with in the last week, but the fact remained that she didn't need people watching over her all the time. What she needed was some time to herself . . . to adjust. To deal.
Lily jumped as she felt hands rest on her shoulders from behind the chair.
"Just relax," Potter's voice whispered from somewhere dangerously close behind as his hands started to knead her between her shoulder blades. "You're too tense."
Both his words and his actions had the completely opposite effect than he intended as Lily unconsciously stiffened.
"I'm fine," she replied automatically, jerking out of his hold. She heard him sigh in frustration behind her and closed her eyes hoping for once he would give up easily.
It was an idle hope.
"You're not," he argued, sliding into the chair Adelaide had just vacated. "You're trying for your friends and that's what I lo-" Potter stopped for a moment. "It's admirable, Lily, but you're allowed to not be fine right now."
Lily couldn't stop the anger that began to bubble up. Who was James Potter to tell her how she should be feeling after last week? They weren't friends. In fact if not for the unfortunate choice of Dumbledore selecting him to be Head Boy to her Head Girl she wouldn't even claim to be acquainted with Potter.
"Thanks for the permission to be `not fine,' Potter, but the fact remains that I am," she snapped. "My parents are . . ." she couldn't bring herself to say it and she hated the fact that she proved him right. "Look, life goes on, right? I'm fine." She started to roll up her scroll, conscious that she would get no more work done tonight.
To her surprise he looked a bit hurt at her response. "Look, Lily, I know . . ."
"Don't!" She shrieked at him, surprised at how shrill her voice was. She took a deep breath to steady her voice before continuing. "Don't tell me you know how I feel!"
"He killed my parents, too, Lily." James' voice was softer than she had ever heard it and yet, his admission carried through the common room, echoing off the empty walls.
Lily sat back abruptly. She should have known that. She should have remembered that time in fifth year when he had disappeared suddenly. For a week there had been peace - or at least a calmer set of corridors. But it didn't change anything.
"It was my fault," Lily whispered, ashamed to find herself crying. She hadn't cried - not once since coming back to school after the funeral and she hated herself for doing it now, especially in front of him.
"Lily! No!" James insisted, reaching for her hands. "He's evil. How could you say . . . how could you even think that?"
"Petunia," she whispered, fingering the letter in her pocket.
"Gesundheit?" he replied, half questioning.
Lily smiled in spite of herself. "My sister," she explained.
"You . . . you have a sister?" James replied. He looked hesitant and Lily couldn't exactly blame him. Despite his frequent declarations of undying love over the past two years, this might have just possibly been the longest personal conversation the two of them had ever shared.
Lily nodded. "She's a muggle, like my whole family is," she continued, before shuddering into sobs once again. "My whole family was."
James scooted his chair closer and rubbed one arm up and down Lily's back. She knew she should pull away, that she should go up to bed, that tomorrow she would regret even sharing this much, but she instead leaned further into him, letting him pull her close. Her family was a very affectionate one and seven years at boarding school had made Lily crave physical contact occasionally.
James just held her, muttering occasional comforting noises until she finally managed to breathe normally.
"Thanks," she whispered, pulling back, suddenly embarrassed by how vulnerable she had made herself to him.
"Don't mention it," he whispered, pushing a hair behind her ear. "Lily . . . I don't know what your sister said to you, but this is not your fault."
Lily nodded, even though she knew he was wrong. She didn't need Petunia to point that out. Voldemort was a wizard. She was a witch. Her parents were muggles. He would never have targeted them if it wasn't for her. She stared at the shiny badge on the front of her robes and bit her lip to keep from crying again. If it wasn't for that.
Next to her, James let out a giant yawn he only half obscured with his hand. She smiled slightly.
"I'm keeping you up," she remarked.
"Not at ahhhhh" James lie was cut off by another monster yawn. He smiled sheepishly. "Last night was a late night, is all."
"Go get some sleep," Lily ordered.
"Are you-" he started, concern still creasing his brow.
Lily rolled her eyes and cut him off. "Don't finish that sentence if you want to keep this truce we seem to have, James."
James's eyes lit up at the sound of his first name. "So you won't regret this in the morning," he asked, cocking an eyebrow at her.
She flushed at the implications his words may have to someone eavesdropping, before straightening, tossing her hair over her left shoulder. "Who says I don't already regret it?"
He paused, as if afraid that she was sincere, so she continued. "It's a joke, Potter. Now let me finish this essay before we end this conversation the way we ended our last one."
James winced at the memory of the particularly nasty hex that Lily had performed on him the last time he had stopped her in the corridor. "Point taken," he said, standing, his hands up in a gesture of surrender.
He was halfway up the stairs before he called back to her lightly across the common room. "And Lily?"
She turned slightly acknowledging his voice. "If you ever need a shoulder to cry on . . . I've got two you know."
Lily didn't answer - she couldn't if she wanted to the lump in her throat was so large. She had been awful to him the last time they had spoken and he had been so kind and understanding tonight. She didn't deserve it.
She didn't deserve any of it. Not the Head Girl position, not friends like Addy and Glynis or a family that loved her . . . that had loved her. Suddenly the common room felt small and crowded, even though she was all alone. Lily couldn't breathe, the fire was making the air unbearably hot and she just knew she needed to get out.
Lily pushed her chair back from the table, spilling ink on her essay as she stood, papers fluttering to the ground as she stumbled away from her chair. She clutched at her neckline trying desperately to get a breath as she made her way to the portrait hole. In the distance she heard a door creaking open and a clock chiming twelve.
It was long past curfew. Lily knew that she would be in big trouble if a Professor or the caretaker found her right now, but she was beyond such worries. She needed some fresh air. She made her way quickly toward the giant doors of the school and was half afraid they were locked for the night, but her to surprise they opened easily for her and then she was running, tripping over the grounds towards the shore of the lake.
She threw herself down on the shore taking deep breaths in the cool night air and releasing them into deep sobs. It had taken her a week to find her tears and staring up at the moon, Lily wondered if it would take a week to bring them back under control
* * *
"Lily?" James whispered as he crept back down the stairs to the common room. It was foolish to think she was still there, after all she had barely needed to add a full stop to her parchment to be finished. Still, James couldn't help but wish to claim a few more memories of Lily being civil to him before the morning came. Remembering the way her small frame had shuddered in his arms, he couldn't help but think that he would take a thousand hexes from her wand rather than see her so fragile and upset.
"You have got it bad," he muttered to himself as he quickly retrieved his bag from the table he had been studying at earlier in the evening. He stared wryly at his own blank parchment realizing he hadn't been studying transfiguration so much as Lily Evans for the majority of the evening. He glanced over to where she had been moments before, a light smile playing at his lips, before realizing that all her things were still there, scattered across the table and floor.
"Lily?" he repeated. She had to be there. It wasn't like her to leave things behind, especially not the mess that was strewn across the table. Ink was splashed all over her tight neat handwriting the bottle still on its side, dripping. James picked up the ink bottle, whispering "Tergeo" with a flick of his wand to make the spilled ink vanish.
He gathered the papers on the ground into a loose pile, setting them on the desk. Still not seeing any sight of Lily, James was about to head back to bed when a worn envelope caught his eye. It was addressed to a Petunia Evans.
`Lily's sister?' James recalled Lily's words earlier and tried to surpress his disgust for the letter's intended recipient. Why would Lily write to someone who blamed her for her parents' deaths?
His curiosity finally got the better of him and he unfolded the letter.
Dear Petunia,
I know that you blame me for what happened to Mum and Daddy. You don't have to. I blame myself. If I had declined my head girl position, if I had come home when I realized that Voldemort was targeting Muggleborns and their families, if I had declined that first owl's invitation to study at Hogwarts . . . so many what ifs. If only I had a second chance to set things right . . . but I don't.
Petty . . . you're my only family now and I'm yours, too. I'm graduating in a few months and maybe we can get a flat? Start over as sisters should. I need you right now and I know that deep down you need me now.
It's what our parents would have wanted. Please, please consider it.
With all my love,
Lily
Scrawled underneath Lily's tight script were only a few words. "Leave me alone, freak, before you kill me, too."
James slipped the letter back into its envelope, anger and guilt mixing together. It was obviously well read by Lily although he couldn't imagine her showing it to anyone else. He wasn't sure whether he was more angry at her evil witch of a sister or at Lily for believing such things to be true.
One thing was certain. Wherever Lily was, she shouldn't be alone. She wasn't thinking very clearly and James was afraid she may do something rash on her own.
He rifled through his bag for the Map. Finding it, he quickly whispered "I solemnly swear I am up to no good" half laughing at himself for whispering in the empty common room.
A quick glance showed him that Lily was not in her room or even in Gryffindor tower. A further search proved her not to be anywhere in the castle, but rather on the grounds. And she was not alone. Right next to the lake was a dot labeled Lily Evans. And right next to that dot, growing closer with every moment was a dot labeled Lucius Malfoy. James didn't think. He just ran.
* * *
Lily stared at the water. It was a calm night and the lake's surface was completely smooth, unbroken dark silk. For the first time in a long time, Lily just sat wholly without thought. Just there.
"A little late for a swim?" A voice drawled from behind her. One that was all too familiar.
"Malfoy!" Lily jumped up, searching frantically for her wand and cursing herself for being caught so off guard. It was late, she was alone and she was outside the castle walls. It was a dangerous thing to do even at a less dangerous time.
"Miss Evans," he replied, nodding stiffly. "Looking for this?" he asked, holding her wand out to her.
Lily took it from him gingerly and then stepped back quickly, almost into the lake in her haste to get away from him.
He laughed, a loud barking laugh. It was similar to Sirius's but without any of the warmth. "Why Miss Evans, I would almost say you were afraid of me? Aren't alumni allowed to visit their alma mater time and again?"
Lily narrowed her eyes at the man who had bullied her from the moment she had stepped through the barrier at Nine and Three Quarters her first year. "You graduated years ago. And it's a little late for a tour of your old stomping grounds."
"Touché," he remarked. "But I seem to recall that this time of night was just a bit past curfew." He let his eyes trail down Lily's figure, stopping at her chest.
Indignant she folded her arms in front of herself protectively. He chuckled slightly. "I was merely admiring your badge, Miss Evans, not your other . . . assets." No matter the vocabulary, Lucius Malfoy could make it sound dirty. "Head Girl it seems. Your parents must be so proud."
Lily drew her breath in sharply and relaxed her arms to her sides. She pinched the outside of her thigh tightly, using the pain to keep the tears away. She would not cry in front of this bastard.
Lucius mock gasped. "Oh, dear, I'd forgotten. They were so proud isn't that right?" When Lily didn't respond he continued. "I'm so sorry . . ."
"Don't you dare say you're sorry for my loss," Lily bit out through her clenched teeth.
Lucius looked surprised. "I wouldn't say any such thing." He dropped the smile. "You're a smart girl, Evans, I won't insult you by insinuating otherwise. Believe it or not, I came her looking for you. I want to help you."
This time it was Lily's turn to laugh, a bitter sound that didn't suit her. "Help me? Please."
"I'm just sorry I didn't come sooner and spare you all this . . ." he waved an arm in her general direction taking in her tear soaked face and dishevled clothing.
So much for not insulting me, Lily thought. "You have two minutes to explain yourself, Malfoy."
"Or what?" he sneered. "You'll scream? Hex me with a school girl curse? I hate to point out the obvious, but you'll listen as long as I want you to."
Lily cursed herself once again for her common room panic attack. It was unwise to go anywhere by yourself in daylight these days, let alone after midnight. And if she had thought that being a muggleborn Head Girl hadn't made her a specific target, her parents murders had eliminated that possibility. She couldn't take a step back without falling into the lake and between the Giant Squid and Malfoy she'd take her chances with the blond one - she could barely swim. Still, she was wholly unprepared physically and emotionally to duel someone who had studied the Dark Arts as extensively as Malfoy had.
She had one chance and she took it, dropping her head and left shoulder before changing directions and attempting to sprint to the castle on Malfoy's right. Unfortunately, his reflexes were as fast as when he had played quidditch for Slytherin and he caught her left forearm easily.
"Now, Miss Evans, I wasn't done talking to you," Malfoy hissed, gripping her arm painfully before throwing her back towards the lake.
Lily hissed as she fell backwards, unable to catch herself and landing on her hip. "You said you were here to help me. Let me go back to the castle," she bargained.
"The assistance of escorting a mudblood was not what I had in mind," he muttered, reaching into his cloak and throwing something shiny towards her.
Lily flinched, instinctively holding up her arm to protect her face. At Malfoy's cruel laugh she managed to lower her hand and look at the object lying next to her.
It appeared to be a golden pocket watch of some kind, although there were no numbers on the clock face. "What is it?" Lily asked afraid to touch it.
"It's a gift. A second chance if you will," Malfoy explained, seemingly bored of the conversation. "It is almost like a time-turner . . . a portkey through time if you will."
Lily's heart immediately started beating heavily. If she could go back in time . . . she could get them out of the house. She could warn them. Just reach out and take it and she could have her parents back.
Malfoy must have seen her fingers twitch and laughed again. "It's a peculiar charm however. You can't go back to a set moment."
Lily's heart sank at his words, cursing herself for getting her hopes up. He was one of the bad guys. He probably had been there when her parents were killed. What was she doing trusting him?
"You go back to a decision. Any choice in your life that you made and you regret . . . you can take back . . . just with three turns of the dial," he explained, taping the small dial on the top of the clock that would wind it. "Any choices you feel responsible for, Miss Evans?" he whispered.
Lily reached out hesitantly and took the pocket watch. The what ifs she had written Petunia about that had seemed so fanciful were now within her grasp, quite literally if Lucius could be trusted. She could save them. She could have her parents back in seconds. Just three turns.
She looked up at Malfoy suspiciously. "What's the catch?" she asked.
"You don't trust me then?" Malfoy asked, pretending to be hurt. "Fine. Choose not to come to Hogwarts."
"What?"
"If you use that clock to change any other decision, I assure you I will hunt down your parents and kill them. Then your sister, then your friends and finally end your own miserable existence," he hissed, taking a step closer to her. "I will know in the alternate future. Not only will you still be a target . . . you will be a target with a valuable Malfoy heirloom."
Lily suppressed a shudder at the thought that she was touching something handed down for years among Lucius family. "And if I choose to have ignored my Hogwarts letter?"
"You and your family live in ignorant peace from this war," he offered.
Lily raised an eyebrow suspiciously and he elaborated. "It shouldn't be so surprising, Miss Evans. We don't want your kind in our world. Whether you die or leave of your own choosing matters not to me, so long as you leave. So what will it be?"
Lily gulped as she stared at the watch in her hands. It shouldn't even be a consideration. Her parents' lives were at stake. She could get them back. But was she willing to sacrifice the life she had made for herself? Was magic a part of her she was willing to sacrifice? Could she sacrifice her friends? Glynis, Adelaide . . . James?
"Will I remember?" she asked softly.
"Perhaps in dreams, but no, not if you choose not to. After all, magic will be just a rabbit out of a hat and dreams will just be idle fancies of your subconscious again. Really, life will be much simpler," Malfoy looked bored. "Miss Evans, if you are not interested, I have many other Mudbloods who will be. We chose you . . . now is the time for your choice - again. A second chance."
A second chance. Wasn't she just begging for that very thing in her letter just a week ago? She knew she shouldn't trust Malfoy, but if there was even a chance of getting her parents back, didn't she need to risk it?
"Thank you," she whispered, so softly that she wasn't sure Malfoy heard her as she turned the dial once, concentrating her thoughts on the moment she got her Hogwarts letter. I wish I had said `no.'
On the second twist, Lily felt her head start to spin. I wish I had said `no.'
"LILY!" she heard a familiar voice scream from the castle. She whipped her head up to see James running at her.
"Stupid boy!" Lucius swore, drawing his wand. "The choice is yours Lily. Leave this world or he does!"
Taking a deep breath, Lily turned the dial a third and final time. I wish I had said `no.' Everything was spinning now and Lily felt herself losing consciousness slowly. Why had she trusted Malfoy? She had every reason not to, but the hope of getting her parents back had been to strong. Just before she blacked out she felt arms cradling her gently and heard his voice whispering her name. "Lily, don't leave me . . ."
"James . . ."
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