A/N: To start with, I have always been someone who believes that we all have a soundtrack to our lives. More than any of my other interests, music would have to be the one I'm most passionate about. In fact, I cannot recall a time in my life when music wasn't present. From the time I was an infant, my mother made sure to make music an important part of my life. From the journey of records, cassette tapes, CDs and now iPods, music has changed but its purpose has not. There are many songs that remind me of people I love, moments I've experienced, heartache I've felt and caused. When I am happy, sad, angry or just relaxing, music fills my life.
Okay, now that that's out of the way, I wanted to write a story that had chapters based on different songs. I'm hoping that I can do this without majorly screwing up, so just hang in there with me! This will be an AU story. I will point out that it may not be everyone's piece of pumpkin pie. You have to be willing to see the main characters really OOC. That being said, please enjoy!
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Chapter 1 - No Air
I'm here alone didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move it's incomplete
If there was a way that I could make you understand
But how do you expect me to live alone with just me?
`Cause my world revolves around you it's so hard for me to breathe
She allowed her fingers to follow the drizzling rain as it flowed over the window of her apartment's sitting room. The pane of glass was cold, much like her heart. It had been six months since she had last seen him; the man who claimed to be her best friend. She knew she was, to put it plainly, bitter about the whole situation. The more time she spent in society, she had come across the fact that people could be friends and not speak to one another for months, even years. Then again, those people probably hadn't been through nearly as much as she had with him. For nearly eight years, this person had become her life. Every move she made, nearly every thought she had concerned him. It certainly wasn't what most would consider healthy, but it was completely necessary. She had been his book of endless knowledge, his conscious when he needed guidance, his shoulder to lean on for the few times he had cried. In the last weeks before his unexpected departure, she had willingly become his outlet for sexual tension. Even in looking back on that aspect of their relationship, she knew she couldn't blame him (entirely) for what had transpired. She chalked up the initial incident to the fact that she could tell he was extremely tense. After numerous attempts of trying to get him to talk about whatever was troubling him, she dove in for the natural stress reliever.
*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*Seven Months Earlier*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
"Harry, I've absolutely had it with you sulking around. You fucking defeated Voldemort for various reasons; one of which was so that you could live your life without being harassed by Dark Lords." He said nothing, simply continued to sit on her couch and stare at his fidgeting fingers. "Does this have something to do with you not knowing what direction to take in life?" It seemed hard to believe for most, but Harry Potter had absolutely no idea what he wanted to do with himself after the war had ended. He wouldn't admit it to many, but he never allowed himself to think of a future. Instead, he had almost signed his own death certificate before the war began; not really sure he would make it out alive. Imagine his mild (but grateful) surprise when he did in fact bring Voldemort down. He had told her numerous times that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with himself. Indeed, a wrench had been thrown into all their plans once the war ended; a glitch none of them had ever expected or foreseen.
"No, it has nothing to do with not knowing my direction in life," he stated simply.
She rolled her eyes, quickly getting a headache from the guessing games she had been made to play over the course of several weeks. She quickly shot up out of her chair and headed towards the adjoined kitchen area, grabbing a bottle of aspirin out of the cupboard. Swallowing two pills with the aid of some water, she realized that it was still odd not using potions for ailments. She wondered if she would ever get used to it. Slowly making her way back to the sitting room, she watched the young man that was before her. His struggles had been many, but the final victory was what she thought would wash all those pains away. She realized she was wrong. "Do you want anything to drink?" She wondered if offering alcohol to someone who seemed depressed was the best idea, but figured he deserved something to cleanse himself for several hours.
"No, no booze."
"Harry…you're not…blaming yourself for what happened, are you?" He remained silent. "Because honestly, how were any of us supposed to know? If anything, Bookworm Granger here should have been keeping on top of any unusual…"
"Hermione, please, what happened was no one's fault but Voldemort's. I don't blame myself and I certainly would have no reason to blame you."
"Well then, you have to help me understand what's going on with you. I'm not used to feeling helpless…especially when it comes to you." He turned his head to the side, looking at her for a brief moment with a small smile, but swiftly returned his gaze to his hands in his lap. In that split second, she was uncertain of what overcame her as her hand reached out to his face and slowly brushed his cheek. Stubble was present, obviously from several days without shaving, but she thought it was a decent look for him. It made him look somewhat rugged, only adding intensity to the fact he had faced more battles in his eighteen years than most people in their fifties. His eyes connected with hers the moment her fingers came in contact with his skin. Looking into them, they seemed to be gently pleading for an explanation in regards to her actions. She was tired of talking, only because it clearly took them nowhere. She knew she had to act on this impulse quickly, lest she lose the determination at her attempt to pull him out of this slump. She realized she was crazy and completely out of character. These thoughts continued as she closed the gap between them on the couch and allowed her lips to seek out his. The feeling was instantly magnetic. At that moment, she couldn't have pulled away even if she wanted to. Her mind urged her to move closer, and she promptly straddled his lap. It was in that instant that she became conscious of the fact that he was passionately kissing her back.
He slowly pulled back, looking dazed. "Hermione, I can't promise…"
"Then don't," she gasped, quickly locking lips with him again."Just feel better," she mumbled into his mouth. He obliged, letting his hands roam the back of her body. Tenderly pulling the back of her hair, he gained access to the soft skin of her neck and latched on. His lips sucked until it was almost painful but she paid no attention, concentrating on running her right hand over the bulge that had formed not too long after their heated snogging began. Trying her damndest to clear her head amidst the feeling of his fingers groping her breasts through her shirt, she set out to make this about him. Once his lips relocked with hers, her hands worked quickly on his belt and pants, making it known to him that she wanted them out of the way by attempting to tug them down. He got the hint and lifted his hips slightly, making it possible to rid his lower body of the offending articles. Before attacking his lips again, she made her next request known. "Rip my knickers off me," she breathed in his ear before seeking his mouth once more. He had no chance for a verbal response. He reached under her skirt with both hands and ripped both sides of her knickers with ease. A thought flickered in her mind at the fluent act, wondering if he had ever done that before. Any mental distractions were immediately halted once she felt the head of his cock at her entrance. There was no denying she was ready for him, making her wonder if her wetness was dripping onto him already. That idea made her insides shiver and she impaled herself onto him in one swift movement.
Two satisfied moans filled the room as her rocking movements began. She began slowly, at almost an agonizing pace. She listened as his breath hitched over and over again, knowing he was enjoying himself. If she wanted to be completely honest, she was enjoying herself as well. Harry was her best friend and he was outright sexy. On more than one occasion, she had touched herself and experienced an orgasm with him being her co-star in x-rated fantasies. Allowing her mind to drift to those thoughts caused her to move a little faster. Her hands moved behind her, grasping at where his knees bent, and she continued her movements with the same rhythm. Harry didn't look away from her and she reveled in the fact that she was causing his rapid breathing, the look of utter desire and lust in his eyes, his fingers pressing into the skin of her hips. She leaned in, resting her hands on his shoulders, and continued rocking. It dawned on her that she presently had a sexual power over him, and that realization turned her on to no end. "You like me fucking you, Harry?" Her tone was innocent, but her panting for breath was highly erotic.
A growl emitted from within him as he threw his head back and closed his eyes. "W-would you h-hate me if I s-said yes?"
She grinned at his response and continued with her ministrations. "You like how tight I am?" He moaned louder at these words and knew it wouldn't be long until he lost control. Even though she was making this about him, she felt her own release nearing. She continued her strategic movements, knowing what would bring her body to climax. Once she felt herself coming close, she let another naughty query escape her lips. "You like how your big, hard cock slides in and out of me?" As soon as she ended her words, Harry sought her lips, latched on, and gripped her hips tightly as he shoved her down onto him three more times. She cried out so loudly from her own release that she almost missed hearing Harry's thunderous moan as his cock pulsed inside of her.
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She wiped a lone tear from her cheek as she reminisced about her first time with him. They had repeated those actions several times after that. What she found to be most odd about the entire thing was that they never once discussed it. Neither of them attempted to analyze what they were doing. It was obvious that they both enjoyed it. She chalked it all up to the fact that neither wanted to ruin the bedroom bliss with words. It felt good, and that was what mattered. But, something nagged at her when she allowed herself to think for too long. She knew that they never spoke of it because she had made it clear to him that he hadn't the need to make promises to her about the whole thing. Looking back on it now, she can calculate that it was not the most rational move she ever made. In fact, she had come to terms that it was the worst decision she ever allowed herself to make and considered it to be the one moment in her life when she had been absolutely dim-witted. Then again, she had no idea that he would disappear from her world almost without a sound.
*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*Six Months Earlier*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
Hermione slowly moved around her flat on an early Saturday morning. What was the use in rushing, really? It was a dreary day, the clouds opening up and crying rain beginning earlier that morning. Besides, she had spent years at Hogwarts bustling about, whether it be to attend classes, finish homework early, or save Harry from whatever chose to threaten him during any given year. All involved in their side of the war deserved relaxation and normalcy. That last though caused her to cringe. Yes, true normalcy was something they were all adjusting to; some more so than others. She knew another part of her life would have to become `normal' soon; she would have to obtain employment before long. The money her parents had left her, after their deaths at the hands of a team of Death Eaters, would not last forever. The last thing she wanted was to use it all up and be left in a rather desperate situation. The only problem was that she had absolutely no clue what kind of job to look for. It was sad that, in the end, the seven years spent at Hogwarts did absolutely nothing to help her in this area. No, to actually get somewhere, she would have to attend a university and further her education. Luckily, she was able to get tremendous help in that department. After a lengthy conversation with Minerva McGonagall, she assured Hermione that she would love nothing more than for the young woman to continue her education and would do anything and everything in her power to make it happen. The Headmistress' help entailed doctoring Hogwarts' records to make them appear as though they were from a muggle boarding school. Switching the names of most magical classes into muggle studies proved to be quite easy. It made Hermione wonder if McGonagall had done this type of thing before. She didn't question, as her application to the University of Westminster was promptly accepted. Better yet, she had received a full scholarship due to her academic excellence and financial needs. This made things easier, but it did not solve her present need for money in order to live. She tried not to fret too much. After all, she had the entire summer to gain employment somewhere before beginning her studies. After much thought, she had decided upon majoring in Law. It only made sense to her and those that knew her. During her time at Hogwarts, she had forever been lobbying for the freedom of house elves; even if most of the lot DIDN'T appreciate it.
She finished sipping her coffee and went to head for the shower. That's when she noticed an envelope that had been slid under the door of her apartment. She hadn't remembered seeing it on her way to the kitchen. Then again, she hadn't been completely awake. As she neared the object, she noticed that her name was written on it in familiar handwriting. She stared at it lying on the floor for quite some time, not sure if she wanted to pick it up. Why would he shove a letter under her door? Why wouldn't he call her? Why wouldn't he knock on the door and come in to talk? She concluded none of her questions could be answered without opening the taunting object. She sat down on her couch and carefully opened the envelope. She didn't know why, but she felt like this letter was precious and vital; deserving only the best of care. Taking a deep breath, she began to take in the words before her.
Dear Hermione,
I don't even know where to begin with this. You've always been my closest friend. You've put your life on the line for me numerous times. Recently, I feel as though you've put your emotions and sanity on the line for me as well. I don't know if I'm worth the cost of that, but I am grateful and thankful that you've granted me the ability to see you as few have (at least, I hope it's been a few).
I know that I've come off as nothing less than a hero during our years together. Truth be told, I've now realized that I'm the biggest coward I know. Why? Because, only a coward would have the nerve to leave a letter for his best friend to let her know that he's leaving town.
Hermione's breath caught in her throat as she tried desperately to blink back the tears forming in her eyes.
What's worse than leaving town and telling your best friend about it in a letter? Knowing for a month in advance that you were going to leave town, not tell her about it, allow her to share something so intimate with me, and then leave said letter under her door. Yes, Hermione, I am no hero. I, Harry Potter, am nothing but an asshole coward who is probably no longer considered your best friend.
What makes me an even bigger asshole is that I have no intention of telling you where I am going for the next several months. Though I no longer fear you hexing me, I am concerned you may try to hunt me down and kill me. Don't get me wrong, death is something I deserve but the last thing I want is for you to be going to prison for killing my sorry ass.
Was he honestly trying to pepper this letter with humor?
Yes, before you wonder, I am trying to make you laugh just a little. Maybe I'm channeling Ron. God, I'm pathetic at this. Even though I can't control your emotions, I don't want you thinking that I used you. That, Hermione, is something I would never do. The memories of our times together, intimate and otherwise, are something I will carry with me during the journey I'm about to embark on.
All I can do is let you know I'm sorry for the pain this is most likely causing you. Who am I kidding? I know this is causing you pain, just like it would cause me pain if this situation were turned around. I guess you can add heartless bastard to the list of things I am.
I will be returning to London, almost certainly, sometime in the future. I don't have a timeframe at the moment, so I won't make false promises. Do you remember? You were the one who told me I didn't have to make any promises. God, can I be any bigger of a loser? I'm sure I could. Now, after I've hurt the one person I swore I would never hurt, I'm sure that I could do some really heinous things.
Even though, at this moment, I'm positive you hate me I want you to know that I have loved you more than anyone else in my life. As I write that statement, I realize the saying, `You only hurt the ones you love' is absolutely fucking true. I don't think that saying has applied more appropriately to anyone but me.
Depending on the length of time I'm gone, you may learn or choose to forgive me. If I am lucky enough to have you speak to me by the time I return, I will promise to explain everything that I can to you. If you don't ever want to speak to me again, then it is my loss and nobody's fault but my own.
Please, take care of yourself. You're one of the brightest people I know, and I sense you will allow that knowledge to take you far.
Love Always (whether you believe it or not),
Harry
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She didn't know why, but she never threw the letter away. She kept it in the drawer of her bedside table. Again, she had no clue why she kept it. She had managed to memorize nearly every word he'd written. She thought about it all nearly on a daily basis, but on days when the rain came, it hit her harder than ever. She honestly didn't know what she would do if she ever saw Harry again. When it came to him, her emotions were a mixed bag. She felt sadness, anger, longing, lust, happiness, admiration, pity, hate, love…
Yes, despite the vile way he left things between the two of them, she still loved him. Would she love him enough to allow him that close to her ever again? That was something she was still uncertain of. Besides, who's to say that he would even want to be a part of her life again? Her life had continued after his `escape' from the life they knew. While a great portion of her life was what one would expect from her, attending college and acing her classes, there was a sliver of her world that would come as a shock to those who had known her for some time. This sliver of her life was not something she had entered into lightly. In fact, she mulled over the insanity of it for days and wanted to once again curse Harry for not being there for her in the time of need. Asshole ways aside, he was the one person who knew her better than she knew herself. His input would have been deeply appreciated. But, in the end, she was a big girl now and needed to make these types of decisions for herself. Also, she knew this decision was something he wouldn't have supported. Hell, she wasn't sure she even supported it but the decision was hastily made out of desperation and financial worry.
She had to keep reminding herself that she wasn't the only college girl that had chosen to do this to make the money that was needed. There were several girls from her own class that helped talk her into doing it. In the end, though it may not have been the best thing for her soul, it was a tremendous weight lifted off her pocketbook.
*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*Five Months Earlier*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
Hermione took a few deep breaths before entering the establishment. The young woman she had spoken with on the telephone made her feel a little at ease about her appointment. A big part of her still wasn't recognizing the job she was about to interview for. Once she stepped inside, her surroundings caught her a bit off guard. This place was nothing like she had imagined. Half expecting to be greeted with a waft of cigarette smoke and gaudy interior design, she was pleased to see that the air was clear and decoration was tastefully done. Was it possible the owner was a woman? No, the secretary she spoke with told her that the interview would be with a man. She slowly made her way further into the room, taking note of the young man behind the bar drying off shot glasses. He looked up and flashed a non-threatening smile. "Can I help you, miss?"
"Yes, I'm here for an interview."
She could almost tell by the look in his eyes that he was pleased with the possibility of her obtaining employment here, but he made no remark of it. "Just walk through that entrance back there," he pointed towards the back to his right, "and Cecilia should be sitting at her desk."
"Thanks," she smiled, making her way to the back. Her eyes noticed the beautiful blonde at the end of the hall, sitting behind the desk and quickly typing away at her computer.
She looked up, making note of Hermione's presence. "My I help you?"
"Yes, I believe I spoke with you on the phone. My name is Hermione and I have an interview at 10 a.m."
"Yes, Ms. Granger. Just have a seat and your interview should begin shortly." Hermione nodded and quietly sat down in the chair in front of Cecilia's desk. She sat there for several minutes, mulling over the concept of what she was actually about to do. Just when she thought her nerves would completely fizzle, she heard Cecilia press the intercom button on her desk. "Mr. Malfoy, Ms. Granger is here for her interview."
Hermione's world seemed to stop spinning at the sound of the man's name. Honestly, she had to have heard incorrectly. Obviously, it her mind playing tricks on her. The slight guilt she was feeling about taking this step was eating her up inside and causing her to imagine absurd things. She was pulled out of her daze by the repeated calling of her name. "Yes?"
"Ms. Granger, Mr. Malfoy is ready for you."
Oh God, it wasn't a mistake.
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Truth be told, working for Draco Malfoy turned out to be not so bad. He seemed to have changed immensely, so much that they were on a first name basis. She couldn't quite wrap her head around the idea yet, even though she had been employed by him for five months. The last person she expected to be meeting that day was him. Sure, Draco had helped them fight during the war, but no one had seen him since they had left Hogwarts.
A small part of her thought he would surely travel, seeing as he inherited a fortune after his father was executed for the death of Draco's mum. Then again, investing in a business made sense and seemed like the intelligent thing to do. It almost made her envious that she hadn't thought to do that with some of her inheritance. They were nowhere near being friends, but the boss/employee relationship grew to be a comfortable one.
*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*During the Interview*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
"My, my, my, Hermione, I never thought I'd see you applying for a job like this." He still brandished the same smug smile, but his tone of voice was slightly less harsh than what she had been accustomed to.
"I've learned it's wise for one to never say never," she replied dryly.
"Well, may I say that you've never looked better?" He was in complete flatter-mode.
"Thanks. So, what exactly do I have to do to apply for this type of job?"
He reached for a remote, powering up the stereo system in his office. "Show me what you've got." She cast him a weary stare. "Look, even through your clothes I can tell you've got the body. But, without seeing that you can move that body in ways needed, I have no way of knowing that you'll work."
Hermione nodded, realization washing over her at how she should have expected this. She could do this. Oddly enough, she knew she could do this as long as she imagined that it was Harry watching her.
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It was that thought, imagining that it was Harry watching her, which allowed her to get through her shift every night she worked. Aside from the plethora of emotions she felt towards him, he had always been the one person she felt most comfortable with. Placing his face on the many strangers that watched her body as it worked to the pulsating music, set her mind and soul at ease. It made her feel less guilty. Of course, the amount of money she was able to earn helped her guilt as well.
But, in the end, she couldn't help but wonder what exactly Harry would think of this. Furthermore, should she even care?
Every passing day he was gone seemed to make her feel like she was losing the ability to breathe properly. Then again, she didn't know if it would be any easier for her to breathe if she ever saw him again.
A/N 2: Hmm…several questions are left unanswered. What happened to everyone who fought in the war on the side of Potter? Why did Harry take off like he did and where did he go? What is this job that Hermione has taken? Well, you probably have figured out that one. Stay for the ride and these questions will be answered, along with some surprises popping up along the way!
On a side note, this above NC17 scene is the first that I have written in years. I hopefully didn't do too terrible of a job. Now that I was able to unleash that side of myself once more, I hope to update Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon with the scene that most have been waiting for.
Don't forget to let me know what you think!
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