Warning Sign

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company. That's it. Please read and review.

Author's Note: This was the first piece of fan-fiction based on Harry Potter that I wrote. Thanks for reading it and I hope you enjoy it. Be sure to let me know. Any questions or comments you can email me or go to my live-journal.

Chapter 1

How Stupid Could I be?

Light filters in on me. The night that never seemed to end did just that. I rise from my bed that offers no comfort, no rest from the thought of you. The thing that has plagued my life with no cure it seems. The moment I stop-pause-for anything you're there. Smiling, laughing, or sitting there with that look you get when you think no one is looking—when you let your mind wonder to those what ifs you never share. I've been there with you through it all yet we hardly speak of it. It wears on me not being able to speak of it. Its heavy and I can only imagine what it feels like to you. I suppose I'll never know.

When I see you its hard to keep my resolve-my promise to myself. I don't want to feel like this like I'll die if I don't speak out, if I don't let you know I'm here, here for you. That I care more than you could possibly ever know. That I love you to the point where I don't remember if there was a time I didn't. That I want to stop with the yelling and the covering up and tell you to get it over it. It's been so many years now and its time to move on-to start over.

For years I held this secret to close to my heart. Yes I want to be there by your side forever, that I think I am the only one for you. I'm the only one who knows you better than you know yourself. I can't even look in the mirror anymore because I'm ashamed that I feel this way after all this time.

As I walk to the kitchen I coach myself again why it couldn't work. You're stubborn and you spend more time distancing yourself than trying to act normal. You've forgotten the friendship we had when we could talk about anything and everything.

For years I've stood by you, talked with you, argued with you, agreed with you. Defending your stupid actions and comments without you ever knowing. You've made some horrible mistakes in your life and I as well as everyone else have forgiven those. I don't know how much more I can do though. This isn't good for me, I'm smarter than this.

I always thought I'd tell you again one day, but I never found that courage I needed. I wonder if you even remember when I said it once on the stairs. I was two steps above you, eye level for once, arguing about some stupid thing or another when I yelled it. You turned quiet again and just looked at me with those piercing eyes of yours. Damn you, you turned around and walk out of the room.

When you do show up, it's to talk about the future and what we could all do and where we could go. It's your game of pretend that I get sucked into. I have no idea when you decid to close yourself off. When we're talking this look crosses your face and the brief moment of normalcy is gone and you leave me again.

And then I'm alone just like I am now sitting in this chair looking out at the world. The four of us use to be so close, especially at the end. Then everything changed and we all know why. That changed us more than anything could. But we were the closest I thought, but maybe that was only because we had the other two there. Maybe since we all went our separate ways the truth is exposed. Maybe you never got along with me and it was all one sided. All I know is that every minute alone is like having the warmth sucked out of me. It stings.

As I sit here I wonder why I put myself through this. Why do I have to spend my life wishing for something that could never come true? I keep telling myself that it wouldn't work—you're stubborn and you spend more time distancing yourself than trying to act normal. I can't be with someone who isn't actually there.

It's hard to convince your heart of that though.

I need to try harder, see you less. Get rid of the photo in my room of the three of us where you have your arm around me-looking at me. If you just glance at it, it looks like we're, no, you're happy and we're together. I can play the pretend game too you see. Then reality is there not you.

Maybe one day you'll wake up and see me. But, I'll have moved on. I'll be over you and with someone who loves me and wants to spend all their moments with just me.

So I hope you don't show up anytime soon or I'll lose it completely I think and I won't be able to move on. I can't be strong when you're near.

So I start to put every photo away along with every gift you ever gave me. I wish I could pack the memories away. This way you're not here. I can move on even though you can't. I can be strong and realize I'm not the one who can open your eyes.

It all fits in one box. Twelve years in one box. That's sad. What's sadder is me closing the box and going to put it in the hall closet. Just as I reach it and start to wonder long I can last, the knock on the door interrupts my thoughts.

As I open the door there you are and my breath catches.

*****

When I got the house, I had the silly notion of living in it with you. We had spent seven years together. I had built these ideas, dreams some would say, of us moving in together. Not together-together, just the both of us living in the same space. I guess I got use to you being around.

Instead, I'm alone. I moved into this house and it's quiet and it's too large for just one. You said so yourself when you helped me move.

So when I open the door and see you standing there my resolve leaves. You look lost, your eyes are downcast, hair looking like you ran your hands through it a million times. Why am I the one you come to?

If you would just keep your distance then I could move forward.

When I am alone thoughts of you plague me. Your eyes haunt me and in my mind they are as clear as they would be if you were right in front of me. Now that you're here I'm at a lost as to what I am supposed to feel or for that matter, do.

You're silent as you move past me into the house. You look at the box I place on a table. `See what I'm doing,' I think, `I'm done. I'm moving on.'

I watch as you walk further into the room and place yourself in a chair. Trying to collect my senses, thoughts, and nerve, I take my time in shutting the door. As I turn, I see you watching me and I feel as though I have no choice but to sit in the chair across from you.

Your mouth opens and shuts and I know you are searching for words. I wonder if you're looking for the words to apologize or explain yourself. Can you even do that?

As I look at you, the anger that has been inside me for so long bubbles over and I'm tried of holding it in. I'm tired of being the strong, loyal one who never lets the world know what she is really thinking. Sure, I've been angry in front of you and others, but no one has done what you have. And no one makes me, no, made me feel like you did. And I'm just tired.

“Why are you here?”

You stare at me with unblinking eyes and I notice that I'm not breathing. It's as if I'm sitting on the edge of my seat and holding my breath as I wait for your answer. Part of me wants you to answer truthfully, the other part wants to not care.

You blow out a breath and lean back in the chair and it seems you're not going to answer. Damn you. I get up and pace in front of the fireplace with every thought I have bouncing around in my mind.

“You can't just walk here again and act like it's only been a day since I've seen you. You can't keep coming back here. You can't just show up when you feel like it.”

“I'm back this time for good,” you say, your voice steady.

I stop and look at you. You have that crooked smile and I know you think that works and fixes everything…..but it doesn't, not anymore. I sit back down and look at the wall across the room, my hands fisted in my lap.

“Really. I'm not going anywhere.” Out of the corner of my eye I see you lean forward.

“Why? Why do you think that?” I look at over at you. On your face is a look of surprise, like you expected me to just say okay and hug you. Well that Hermione is gone; she left when you did last time.

I guess you realized that you're not getting anywhere in this conversation. You get up, take one last look at me and I hear you say, “Just believe me. I'm here for good.” I feel your hand as you place a straggling piece of hair behind my ear. I keep my eyes focused on that wall until I hear the door shut behind you. That breath I've been holding escapes at once and I feel the tears in my eyes.

I got up slowly from my chair. The breath I was holding was let go. I was speechless. `He just shows up, says that and leaves and here I am. Left with a box of memories and his quiet words.

I walk to the kitchen and fill the pot for tea. Muggle way gives me time to think, process. As if that's possible. I was ready to put it behind me, let it go. I'd like to think I still am, but the voice in my head has started up again; arguing loudly. `This is it. Maybe he is speaking the truth. Maybe he's here to stay.'

`No. I am moving on.'

`Are you?' asks that voice that sounds startling like him. `You want to throw away twelve years of friendship?'

`I have to! It hurts too much to have him say that then leave again.' My chest tightens at the thought. `I can't take it, I'm not strong enough.'

The voices laughs, `Strong enough? You just don't want to take a chance. Can't let go, surrender, lose control.'

`Shut up!' The voice is right. I can't do it. Losing control and letting myself fall wasn't an option.

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