Gindread
Bold indicates Narrator speech.
A/N: I own nothing. Be afraid, be very afraid. This is bad. Awful. Terrible. Mature themes that are NSFW are in this story. You've been warned.
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Welcome, welcome. I am your narrator for yet another tale of great heroism, derring-do and-- huh? What's this? Pardon me ladies and gentlemen. I've just been handed an important note. It will take me just a few moments to read it and then we'll continue on with the story. Please excuse this interruption.
...
Ah... Well, I'm back... I have some good news and some bad news. Normally, I'd start with the good news first to somewhat soften the blow, but in this case, I suppose I should start with the bad first. This way, you can have the bad new first and then the good news afterwards to make it feel somewhat less bad. In theory, it's not an awful idea. In practice, it might just work.
The bad news is that the story that was schedule for this particular narration has been cancelled. Apparently, the Agent representing some of the characters, their identities shall remain unknown, has objected to his clients' treatment in some of my previous narrations and so the story had to be scrapped. Now, that's the bad news over and done with.
WAIT! Don't go! Just because the story you came to hear isn't going forward doesn't mean you won't be entertained! Remember the good news I had? I still haven't told you what it was.
HOLD IT! Please don't leave yet! Just wait until after I've given you the good news. I'm sure you'll find what I have to say interesting. Come on, please? I've got so many plot bunnies to feed. I can't support them if the audience just runs off now can I? Do want to see me beg? Huh? Do you? 'Cause I won't. I won't beg for you to stay. I've got my pride.
Staying?
Good.
Okay, on to the good news. The good news is that the Agent of the redheaded plague has agreed that his clients will cooperate so long as they get to choose the next story. So in summary, there IS going to be a story today; although, it isn't going to be the story that I had planned. Isn't that great?
Oh, I you've figured out whose Agent was raising a ruckus?
*grin*
Whoops...
Oh, well.
On with the story!
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Ginny Weasley appeared on the bridge of the Space Pirate ship Nirvana. She was dressed in shockingly revealing clothing, but for once she didn't mind... well, not much, anyway. She'd thought long and hard on how best to approach this sort of situation from a position of strength. This time, everything would work out. She clutched the script tightly in her hands. This time, she was the female lead and she'd made sure that Harry was the male lead and similarly obligated. "OH HO HO HO!" She laughed with almost insane abandon.
I hope you're happy.
"Oh, it's you." Ginny said with a self-satisfied smirk. "I wondered if you would show up."
I can't believe you browbeat The Powers That Be into scrapping that wonderfully lurid Harmony story for this reproduction of Vandread. Have you no shame?
"No, obviously not. I mean, have you seen the costume designs for my character? I'm wearing a black, mid-riff baring tank top with an off-white and pink jacket and a matching mini-skirt and boots. It's almost like my character is designed to be ditzy."
Well, you're not far off. From what I can tell, you're dressed like the female lead. Dita is ditzy, optimistic, good-natured, a good cook, completely obsessed with aliens and men. One man in particular whom she often refers to as Mr. Alien.
Ginny looked shocked. She'd had no idea what she was agreeing to when Percy had entered into negotiations with The Powers That Be. He'd done most of the grunt work and they'd finally settled on a remake of something called 'Love Hina' but once he'd really looked at the character descriptions, he's said there was no way his baby sister was playing the lead in that sort of series. He'd finally settled on this Vandread script.
"Well, I'm the female lead and Harry is the male lead. Really, that's all that matters. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to find 'Mr. Alien'. According to my script, I'm either supposed to probe him or he's supposed to probe me. It isn't really all that clear..."
Don't you even want to discuss more about what's going to happen in today's story?
"Why should I bother, you disembodied voice? I mean, you don't like me and I don't like you. Do you even realize how disgusting it was to raise twelve children with my brother? DO YOU?"
No, and I'll thank you never to ask me a questions like that EVER again. Ewww...
Ginny hmphed and strode off looking for Harry.
To absolutely no one in particular, I think I'll monologue a little bit. Let's see, the contract states that Harry must play the role of Hibiki Tokai. The script also states that Ginny must play the role of Dita Liebaly, and that I cannot limit the story to strictly Harry and Hermione. What to do, what to do? Aha...
Suddenly I am reminded of another story. Let's see if the listeners can figure out what I'm thinking of from a short quote. "Harem, Harem, Harem!"
Oh, and I'm also obligated to give Ron an important role. Hmm... ah hah, I have just the character. Heh Heh.
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So the crew of the good ship Nirvana has long since returned home. Now that the Harvest has been defeated, most of the crew has been granted shore leave to recuperate from their long and arduous journey. In fact, the only crew members on board the Nirvana are Meia Gisborn played by Hermione Jane Granger, Hibiki Tokai played by Harry Potter, Jura Basil Eldin and Barnette Orangello played by Daphne Greengrass and Tracey Davis respectively, Dita Liebely played by Ginny Weasley, Bart Garsus played by Ron Weasley, and Buzam 'B.C.' Calessa played by... well, you'll find out later.
As third in command, Meia, or in this case Hermione was sitting in her quarters reading her script. As one might expect, Harry was there too. He was using Hermione's lap as a pillow and her hand was ruffling through his hair. He was very happy.
"Hey Narrator!"
Yes?
"What gives with the story change? I thought Hermione and I were going to get a hot and steamy love scene, but instead we got completely different scripts at the last moment. Care to explain."
One word, redheads.
As one, Harry and Hermione rolled their eyes. "Figures they'd raise a fuss after last time." groused Harry.
Hermione nodded her head. "Yes, Ginny has never been a good loser. I suppose I can grin and bear it while you and she--"
Hold it!
Hermione looked annoyed. "Why are you butting in now? I was just about to give a noble, self-sacrificing speech about how the love Harry and I share is eternal even though we are parted for just a little while."
Cute, but unnecessary. I've read through the contract requirements. Guess who wrote them?
"Who?"
Percy.
"No way!" said Harry in a shocked tone.
Yes way.
"OH HO HO HO!" went Hermione.
I wish girls in these sorts of stories wouldn't do that. It really, really creeps me out.
"Sorry." Hermione apologized. "I'll stop."
"I think I see what you mean," commented Harry. "Though, I have to say that I find her laughing sexy. Of course, I find just about everything Hermione does sexy."
"So, I assume that the contract is full of holes?" queried Hermione.
I've seen fewer holes in a block of Swiss cheese. Care to help me stick it to a couple of gingers?
Harry and Hermione grinned evilly. "Do you have to ask? They answered in unison.
Well, normally no, but this time you're going to have to share, but before you ask, no, not with Ginny.
Harry looked at Hermione and Hermione looked at Harry. "Okay."
Excellent...
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"That's odd, according to what the script says, Harry is supposed to spend most of his time in the Hanger taking care of his Van-type fighter, in the Registry, or in his cell. Though I have to wonder why he lives in a cell."
It explains the reason in depth in the story bible. Haven't you read the story bible?
"Of course not, have you seen how huge that thing is? I've just skimmed the script and the pertinent parts about my character. I already know all I need to know about my character. Harry is in love with me!"
You mean Hibiki, right?
"Hibiki, Hary, they're the same person right now. He HAS to love me now! OH HO HO HO!"
Quit with the laughing, all right?
"Ho Ho, so if I keep laughing like that you'll go away?"
No, but you'll give me a headache and if you do, you'll regret it.
"OH HO HO HO!"
All right, but don't say I didn't warn you.
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So, Daphne, Tracey, that's the story. Want to help?
Daphne smiled. "Sure, I was hoping I'd get some banana to go along with the clam."
Tracey shrugged. "Meh, I'm all for clams." She leered at the Daphne. "But a sausage and an extra helping of clam might not be a bad thing."
Daphne pulled Tracey into an intimate embrace. "Just so long as my clam is your favorite." She leaned in for a kiss."
The kiss lasted and lasted and lasted until finally I just couldn't take it anymore. Girls, while I'm impressed with your deep understanding of your characters, you don't have to go that far just yet.
They broke their kiss. "Characters? You mean our characters are in love with each other, too? We haven't read the script, but if so then we're all for it!"
Ahh... then I'll just leave you alone for the moment. Remember the plan. She'll be here soon.
Daphne pulled herself away from Tracey's chest for just a moment. "Sure sure. Don't let the door hit you on your way out!"
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"Still can't find Harry. He wasn't at the Registry, not in the kitchen, and not hiding in my room. I wonder where he is?"
...
"Well, say something! You're the Narrator. Narrate for gosh sakes."
...
"You're not still mad are you?"
...
"All right, I won't laugh like that anymore, all right? Just help me find Harry. I'm the female lead, after all."
You promise?
"Cross my wand, hope to fly, stick a broomstick in my eye."
Well, okay. As I recall, Harry was supposed to be hanging out with Jura and Barnette.
"Who?"
Oh, I'm sorry, Miss I Never Read The Story Bible Or The Complete Script. You'd recognize them as Daphne and Tracey.
Ginny's eyes widened her nostrils flared and her ears twitched like a wolf on the prowl. "OH HO HO HO! He will soon by mine!"
You promised.
"Oh, put a sock in it, you big baby."
Hmph...
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"More Harry, harder! Don't stop! Oh, God! Haaaarrrrrryyyy...."
"Ugh, ugh, close, so close."
"Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"Love you, love you so much, Hermione." He kissed every part of her he could reach.
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"Aha! I've found you! Turn over Harry now or oops!"
"Ahh, ahh, ahh, no more, Daphne. God I'm so hot. I'm going to go insane if you keep---"
"Eep!" Ginny hit the door close switch. She'd just walked into Daphne and Tracey in their apparent shared bedroom and they had been lying in bed. Together. Lying in bed together and Daphne had her head between Tracey's legs and from the liquid all over Tracey's face she could only assume Tracey had only just recently had her face between Daphne's. She shivered at the wrongness of it all. A witch and her wizard, that's how it ought to be, she thought to herself.
"Narrator!"
Yes?
"You sent me to the wrong place. Harry wasn't there. I'm the lead; now tell me where my future husband is!"
He wasn't there? Sorry about that. Must have gotten confused. You know with all that inane laughing, it's bound to affect my thought processes. I'll have the Nirvana display lighted signs that should show you where he is right now. Would that be all right?
"That's better. OH HO HO HO!"
Right you are, Miss Weasley.
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All right, she's on her way. Harry, you need to follow the brown arrows to Daphne and Tracey's quarters. They're all warmed up and ready for you."
"I don't know about this. I'm not sure I want to leave Hermione here to face Ginny on her own."
It'll be fine. Ginny has no weapons and Hermione has her ring laser, pistol blaster and sword.
"Go on, Harry. I'm a big girl. I'll be fine."
"I know, but I still worry." He admitted.
"That's sweet, but I'll be joining you three after I take care of Ginny. We can't let her find you."
"All right, see you soon, Love." He kissed her tenderly.
Hermione kissed back and sucked his tongue into her mouth with more suction than a vacuum cleaner.
"God, I love your mouth."
"I certainly hope you love other parts of me as well."
"More than I can count."
She's coming, people.
"Right, right." they both griped.
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"Harry! I'm here!" She yelled as she forced open the door. However, Harry wasn't on the other side of the door. It was Hermione.
She was dressed in a tight fitting black and white jumpsuit, but only her legs were suited up. The upper part of the suit was hanging limply around her waist and she had a short silk robe around her shoulders. There was a curious black hair accessory on her head with a red jewel near her eye. She was pointing a sword at Ginny. "Can I help you with something, Dita?"
"Oh, come off it, Granger. I know who you are and you know who I am. No sense playing around. I heard Harry was here and he's supposed to be mine. Hand him over."
"Harry's not here anymore. He was here, but he left."
"Damn Narrator. Well then, where is he?"
"I believe you should go to the bridge."
"I've been to the bridge. He isn't there, in fact, no one is there."
"He wasn't there before, but I'm sure that if you go there now, you'll certainly find someone."
"Hmph. Well, all right. Oh, before I go, what's with your hair? I've never seen it like that before."
Hermione, somewhat dressed like Meia smiled and Ginny found it to be horribly disturbing. "Oh, this? This is a new style I'm trying out. It's called 'Just-Been-Shagged-Within-An-Inch-Of-My Life'. You like?" She turned her head this way and that so that Ginny could get a better look.
"I'm sure it looks very nice." And turning around on her heel, Ginny strode off toward the bridge.
Hermione dropped the short, gossamer robe and finished suiting up. Once she was fully dressed she left her quarters to head meet Harry, Daphne and Tracey. Today was going to be lots of fun.
Excellent...
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"Oh... Oh my god. It's so big and long... and, and... ahh!" Moaned Tracey as coherent speech left her.
"Well, Hermione's always seemed to like it." Harry said with a contented smile
Daphne liked what she saw. "While you're getting acquainted with Tracey, why don't you have a play with these? They're every bit as nice as Hermione's, I'd wager."
"Very nice." He said admiringly. "Don't mind if I do."
They didn't speak again for a while, but Tracey continued to writhe and, with Harry's help, Daphne was also very happy. Even better, Hermione would soon be there.
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Ginny ventured onto the bridge again. Nothing was different. No one was around. She was very, very frustrated; and not just because she couldn't find her man. No, she was getting all kinds of twitchy... down there. She needed her future husband.
"So, Narrator. What do I do now? Harry wasn't with Daphne and Tracey, and he wasn't with Hermione. I've checked the bridge again and I still can't find him."
Are you sure you checked all over?
"Yeah... I mean, the script mentioned all the set areas and all the characters that we were supposed to be used in today's story, and I've checked everywhere and with everyone; although, I haven't yet found the Nav room or Ron and this B.C. person."
Oh, then perhaps they're in the nav room?
"Gee, why didn't I think of that? Oh wait, I did. I just can't find it. Thanks for nothing you great empty know-nothing-at-all."
Fine, then I won't tell you where the Nav room is.
"W-wa-wait just a moment. Let's not be hasty. I may have said a few unkind things, but surely you can overlook that. I mean, I'm just a little out of sorts because I can't find Harry. You understand right?"
Well... I suppose.
"That's a good sport. Now, please tell me where I can find the Nav room?"
You see that circular shape at the center of that outcropping at the far edge of the bridge?
"Yes. What about it?"
That's the entrance to the Nav room and I seem to have forgotten something very important - though I can't seem to recall what that is. Oh well, I'm sure it will come to me soon. Let's see, I suppose I should warn you; the ship controls who enters and who leaves the Nav room. I'd be careful if I were you.
"Buzz off, Mister Busy-no-body. I've got a man to molest!" She ran forward and dove into the circle.
No. Wait. Stop. Oh, too late…
And Ginny disappeared in a flash of flight.
AHA! I've remembered! The important thing I forgot was that entering the Nav Room automatically removes all the person's clothing. Such a shame she didn't wait.
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Harry had Tracey nuzzling him on his left side, Daphne snuggling into his right side and Hermione draped over his naked body. He was so unbelievably spent. Amazingly happy and incredibly content, but very, very spent.
So, Harry, what did you think of my plan?
"Bloody brilliant! I mean, this is a non-Canon story, so why should I care if she was playing the Canon female lead? Though, aside from frustrating Gin-Gin a bit, I don't see how this is really sticking it to Ginny or Ron for that matter."
Hermione woke up from her epic shagging induced nap. "I was wondering about that as well. Ooh, feels like not-so-little Harry is feeling frisky again!"
"I'm next!" interjected Daphne.
"No, me!" countered Tracey.
"But still after me," declared Hermione.
"No fighting, girls. There is plenty of me to go around."
You're a lucky man, Potter. You know that, right?
"Yes, yes I am."
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"LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" Ginny screamed as loud as she could. She was floating in yellowish space and she couldn't for the life of her figure out how to leave this so called Nav room.
"Oh, do be silent you screaming Harpy," said the apparently beautiful dark skinned, white haired woman hunched over the tied up body of the struggling man with no hair.
Now, Ginny wasn't exactly a prude. For a woman such as herself who had visited many, many broom cupboards in her day, she had done a lot and seen even more. However, things were not as they seemed.
This B.C., although she looked like a beautiful woman in body, her voice was that of Professor Snape. The body beneath Snape was none other than Ron, her brother, but completely shorn of any bodily hair except for his eyebrows. And much to Ginny surprise, Snape wasn't a complete woman either. Snape was taking advantage of her brother and she couldn't tell whether he was enjoying it or whether he was simply resigned. He still struggled at his bonds from time to time, but it was hard to determine his motivation with his mouth gagged liked that.
"Come, Dear Boy. It's such a shame to have no hair on your head. I believe I have a red wig in my quarters. Would you like that?"
Ron released a silent scream from behind his gag.
Ginny screamed again to be let out of this hell hole but no one answered. Again, she hurled herself toward Snape and her brother, hoping to save him so they could both escape, but she was repelled again by an unseen barrier.
She was stuck. She was being tortured. She would go insane. And somewhere, somewhere far from the Nav room, Hermione's voice went, "OH, HARRY HARRY HARRY!"