Unofficial Portkey Archive

SERIOUSLY?! by starwberry_nerd



Dangit, what it with my pirate kick all of a sudden? And zombies? I hate zombies! I also don't own Harry Potter

On ffn this is placed in the story The Big Day, however, I really liked this one so I decided to place it as its own story rather than as part of a set- I hope you all enjoy!


Hermione Granger was pissed.

Today was supposed to be her wedding day. It was supposed finally be the day that she became Mrs. Hermione Jane Potter.

But nooooo…

For some goddamned reason, every time she and her would be husband had completed the arrangements to their wedding and actually made it to the day they would be joined, it was as though instead they'd sent out a challenge to every wannabe dark lord saying "come kill The-Man-With-Too-Many-Damned-Hyphenated-Names and His Fiancée and make your reputation!".

The first time she'd not even been able to make it up the aisle before some idiot had led his minions in an attack against the golden couple of wizarding England. The train of her dress had caught on fire, half her skirt destroyed and her veil had been lost when she'd used it to garrote and particularly irritating man who'd attacked her while claiming to be the successor of Fenrir Greyback. Never mind that the fool apparently didn't even have lycanthropy. Shortly after her victory she and the girl who'd been watching her back, her maid of honor Luna Lovegood, had both been hit by the debris that had resulted from a rather powerful blasting hex aimed at the ground. She'd been knocked to the ground and half blinded by the blood that had resulted from a head wound and her arm had been broken while Luna had received a grade two concussion and several fractured ribs. Harry and Neville had quickly noticed this.

Only one of the attackers was still alive and, six months later, he would still be in a coma.

The second time she and her beloved fiancé had attempted to get married, after she was healed and all the paperwork from the last fiasco cleared up, they'd arranged for a quieter affair. It was just them, her parents, Teddy Lupin, and Neville and Luna as the best man and maid of honor respectively. Dennis Creevey had gotten licensed just so he could perform the ceremony and make it legal in both magical and muggle circles and the two of them had known that the Creevey boy would never betray them. And then another group of "dark" wizards who'd taken insult to the fact that the Lord Potter was going to further "sully" the "pure" Potter line by taking a muggle born bride, had decided to interrupt. She and Luna had not even been in the room when the idiots had decided to try to forcefully persuade Harry that he should marry a pureblood girl instead. But the two of them had joined in the fray very quickly.

Afterwards they'd discovered that some unlucky idiot had managed to tag the paperwork that Dennis had brought for them to fill out after the ceremony with a tracking ceremony. Hermione's wedding dress had again been destroyed and her father had been the one that time to get a concussion. Then they'd ended up having to deal with the aurors for not only the rest of their would be wedding day, but also the entire time they'd set aside for their honeymoon.

Luna later found out that the idiot who'd tagged the paperwork had been stabbed through the heart by her stiletto heel. Luna had been particularly irritated, those had been new shoes. Harry believed that the idiot had gotten off lucky. Her father, who'd eaten popcorn as he watched the attackers running around with their robes on fire from his position behind Dennis's shields, had agreed. Her mother, who'd played with Teddy and shielded him from the sight of such violence as Dennis did his very best to protect her, her husband and her god-grandson, had later given Harry a few suggestions for what he could do to anyone else who objected to her baby girl's wedding.

Hermione had actually been rather reluctant to try again. She'd argued with Harry that she was perfectly happy with her relationship with Harry whether it was sanctioned by the government or by God or not at all. She loved him, he loved her, they didn't need a bit of paper and a bunch of pictures of her in a white dress to confirm that. But Harry had insisted. He loved her and wanted to show the world, wanted her to have his name. She'd immediately melted.

This was the third attempt.

They had been very careful not to give any sort of hint that it was going to be a wedding. Instead, she and Harry had booked a cruise under the guise of just taking a vacation. Her parents had flown to Lisbon and met up with the ship there before it went out into international waters. Neville and Luna had portkeyed onto the ship just an hour before the ceremony was to take place. Neville would be handling the magical portion of the ceremony while the ship's captain was supposed to marry them. She hadn't even packed a real wedding dress. She'd just transfigured a sundress into an appropriate gown. Luna had conjured the flowers. They'd taken every possible precaution.

"This will be okay, right Luna?" Hermione had asked the spacey blonde before the ceremony. Luna stopped her adjustment of the veil (which had formerly been Luna's handkerchief) and looked at Hermione with a serious expression.

"The hethioplats will not ruin this day," Luna said firmly, "Even if I have to ruin another pair of shoes by scuffing them as I kick Murphy in the head."

It had been enough to make Hermione laugh and the girls had completed their preparations before the ceremony.

Even though the skies were a little overcast, everything had been so perfect. Her parents were there, Teddy and Andromeda were there. And she was going to marry the love of her life. She'd actually made it to the altar and stood by Harry's side.

But apparently the ship had tripped over ancient wards or some such nonsense and that had released a ship filled with zombie pirates of all things, zombie pirates and some sort of group of strange half crustacean monsters. And what else would pirates do but attempt to loot the first ship that they came across?

So, a very frustrated Hermione found herself once again battling while in her wedding dress. Luna had quickly herded the muggles below deck and was keeping the zombies from getting to the poor, frightened and confused people. Only a handful, other magical like herself and most of the wedding party, as well as the captain who was apparently a squib, had remained above deck to battle the abominations. Her parents had been rushed below, Teddy in her mother's arms. The captain somehow had a number of swords, one of which Hermione had gleefully grabbed and now used with joyful abandon to hack and slash her way through the zombies when she wasn't using one spell or another on them. Her dress was going to be ruined again.

The very though made her snarl as she destroyed the latest interruptions to her wedding. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed that her beloved had finally gotten that fire whip of his to work. It wasn't quite as impressive as she remembered him describing, but she figured that he'd scaled it back since setting the enemy on fire this time might have caused more problems than it would solve.

"This is ridiculous," Harry growled and she nearly jumped as she realized that they'd worked themselves into back to back position.

As if his words had been the cue, the skies suddenly opened up and rain began to pour down over them and the sea began to rage.

"SERIOUSLY!" Hermione screamed though her cry was lost in the wind as it began to toss the waters, creating massive waves which began to twist and bob and toss the boat as if it was a toy.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Harry snapped and as he and Hermione guarded each other and battled the various attackers, he looked about. But, first thing was first.

"Hermione, will you marry me?" he asked the bushy haired woman he loved and luckily the winds were not so loud that you could not hear the person next to you.

"Harry James Potter," Hermione snarled as she blasted apart the creature that had thought to stab her Harry, "what kind of ridiculous question is that? Of course I want to marry you!"

"Good," Harry smiled and as Hermione ducked he beheaded the zombie that attacked them. The Man-Who-Conquered looked across the battlefield and finally, he caught sight of the person he needed.

"CAPTAIN RUSH!" Harry yelled, using magic so he could be heard over the sudden storm.

"WHAT?" the tougher than he seemed squib bellowed in return.


"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" the Captain demanded.

"YES!" Hermione screamed before Harry could make his favorite pun. The groom pouted for a second as he kicked a zombie through the chest. His leg was briefly caught in the zombie's torso but Hermione quickly set him to rights.


Captain Rush paused in order to duck, causing a crustacean creature and a zombie to attack each other.

"TO WITNESS THE JOINING OF THIS MAN TO THIS WOMAN," the captain continued, almost unperturbed, "PLEASE SPEAK YOUR VOWS."

"Hermione Jane Granger," Harry said proudly as he fought, "will you take me as your husband, to have and to hold, whether we're quarreling over stupid things like how I should cut down on my sugar intake or whether we're fighting dark idiots, beyond even death., from now until forever"

Hermione, on her half, was quite impressed with the way Harry had managed to defend himself as the attack continued. Though, if she wasn't mistaken, the minion army seemed to be thinning somewhat.

"I do!" the bride declared eagerly.

"WITNESSED," Luna shouted before conjuring a set of knives and banishing them to hit a crustacean that nearly dismembered Neville.

"Harry James Potter," Hermione said, was it her imagination or did the wind seem to be calming?, "Do you take me to be your wife."

She quickly raised a shield over herself and just missed the sword of a particularly stubborn zombie. Her own special blue bell flames made quick work of it.

"to have and to hold," Hermione went on, "even when I'm being stubborn over something you think is silly like S.P.E.W. or we're frustrated by the chaos of dark idiots, politicians, and our future children which are bound to attract as much trouble as both of us, even past death, for now until forever."

"I do," Harry declared proudly.

"WITNESSED," Neville shouted. He'd apparently conjured a very larger axe and was happily chopping up his opponents. Hermione was pleased to note that her initial observation was right. There were definitely much fewer monsters than there had been at the start. A flick of her wand banished the remains of those that she and the others had disabled or killed and gave everyone much more maneuvering room.

"As we witness, so we seal this bond," Neville intoned in an unearthly voice before reciting the couplet spell that he'd taken months to memorize. Hermione felt her very soul sing as Neville's words began to seal her to Harry.


The two eagerly obeyed, both instinctively shielding themselves from any potential attackers. Hermione restrained herself from bouncing up and down, dancing with joy, as the bond was completed.

Eventually they came up for air.

"I love you," Hermione giggled and Harry pulled her close.

"I love you too," he replied.

For a brief moment, despite the rain and the wind and the hoard of zombies and monsters, everything was perfect. After all, they were together. They were officially married.

The sound of a roaring beast shattered their perfect moment and the triumphing group of magical men and women looked out into the great ocean to see a horrific creature of nightmares arising from the ocean. It bellowed its rage at the cruise ship and began to move towards them.

Hermione sighed and Harry rolled her eyes. He held out his hand to her and she eagerly grabbed it.

"For now until forever," Harry said with exaggerated cheerfulness.

"For now until forever," Hermione agreed fondly.

With that declaration, the two of them leapt back into battle, with a touch more eagerness and ferocity than they had before.

They had a honeymoon to get to after all and Harry and Hermione Potter weren't going to let anyone or anything stand in the way of that.


If it wasn't completely obvious, I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and was I the only one who could totally see Harry and Hermione in a similar situation? If so before this story, well, now you can see it too.

Please tell me what you think!

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