Unofficial Portkey Archive

Summary: Hermione takes Harry on a crash course on how to make the girl of his dreams fall in love with his gentlemanly charm. But then, everything backfires, don't they?

The sky was a perfect blue, without a single hint of cloud. The sun was shining brightly when Hermione sat down to have her breakfast in her London apartment.

Then suddenly, the fireplace started erupting with emerald green flames. Hermione approached it to check who had called.

"You rang?" she said with a smirk to Harry's bobbing head.

"Can I come over?" Harry asked.

"Of course."

The flames disappeared and Hermione went back to the kitchen to set up another plate. About a minute later the flames appeared once again, only this time much larger. Soon, Harry was standing in the fireplace.

"Try dusting yourself off in there, I just cleaned the carpet yesterday, thanks," Hermione said while whipping up a mug of coffee for her guest. Harry arrived in the kitchen and sat down on the chair next to Hermione.

"I have a problem," he said, grabbing a piece of toast and putting some eggs onto his plate.

"Of course you do," she replied. Hermione knew Harry only too well. "That's why you woke up at eight in the morning."

"I have to tell-Ginny . . . I love her," he said, after swallowing his mouthful of toast and egg.

"And why did you come to me?" Hermione asked, flattered. "You've got your guy friends. Ask them what they did."

"Well, you're a girl," Harry said. "You know how it would feel like. And besides you're the genius behind the romantic success that is Ron and Luna."

"Well, for starters how do you plan on telling her?"

"I was thinking-"

"Oops, that was a test," Hermione said. "You can't tell her immediately. What if what she's feeling is not so precise yet? What if she's in love with someone else? You don't want her to slip off your fingers immediately, do you?"

"I guess not," Harry mumbled.

"Very good," Hermione replied. "Now let's finish this breakfast first then we'll begin with your . . . um . . . lessons."

Yeah, this is my first story

Say oh, oh, oh, baby, la, la, la, la, la

Say oh, oh, oh, honey, la, la, la, la, la

All men are the same

You just don't know anything, you couldn't get any hints

Oh gosh, you're driving me awfully crazy

The two of them ate in silence, Harry with a little sweat forming on his forehead and Hermione looking at him and smiling to herself.

"Okay, first you want to make her happy, right?" Hermione said, after washing the last of the dishes and handing it to Harry to be dried.

"Right," he replied.

"Well, what do you think you could do to make a girl like Ginny happy?"

"Um . . . take her to a Quidditch match?"

"Ugh," Hermione said, immediately exasperated. "You men don't know anything."

"But Ginny loves Quidditch!"

"Yes, she does, but she wouldn't love it if you would pay attention to the game more than you pay attention to her," Hermione said. "Make the activity more female-centered, not male-centered. Save the sports stuff for when the boys are around."

"Then what should I do?"

"Take her shopping of course!"

"Oh. Right," Harry replied.

My new hairstyle and new shoes

When I ask how it looks

You don't know what to say

So you just nod and say it looks great

"Now, for example I'm Ginny," Hermione began. "I've got a new hairstyle and new shoes. What do you say?"

"They look great," Harry, replied, his face expressionless.

"Hello! Keep this in mind Harry, girls love compliments. We'd want you to say something else," Hermione said. "Girls want to be treated like queens."

"Now let's do this again," Hermione began again. "I'm Ginny and I've got a new hairstyle and shoes. What do you say?"

"Very nice," Harry said, now with a smile. "Your hair's wonderful. And your shoes look really nice with your dress."

"Better. Much, much better," Hermione replied with a smile.

When I frown you pull out your credit card

When I'm mad at least show a troubled heart

I can't really tell your heart and mind

Please tell me if you wanna break up

"Next," she began. "What if Ginny wants to take you with her shopping?"

"Um," Harry thought for a while. "I'd tell her I can't then give her my credit card and tell her to buy what she wants."

"That-is-insulting," Hermione said. "Do you men really think that every girl is materialistic? We don't go shopping with you just for you to see how much we devote shoes and dresses! It's about spending quality time with you! Now, again."

"Sure," Harry replied. "I'd be happy to."

"That's m'boy.

"I love you," that one sentence

How long are you going to be indecisive

Oh, from now on don't keep secrets

Please tell me

"When are you going to tell her you love her?" Hermione asked.

"I don't know," Harry replied.

"Very good," Hermione replied. "Finally you got at least one answer correct! Tell her only when you're instincts tell you that it's time to. Never hesitate, because she might drift far away from you and never be in your hands again."

One, when we hold hands be happy

Two, when you get annoyed, just smile at me

Don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know

Even when I tell you, you don't know

"Now, here are the four sacred rules to going out with the girl you love," Hermione began again. "When you hold hands, be sure to entwine them. And be proud. Make sure that the whole world knows that you're together. Make your girl happy by letting her know that you want to show the whole world that you're the happiest man alive because you're with her.

"Two, never show a girl that you're annoyed. Girls are awfully paranoid. They'd think that it's their fault why you're acting like that."

"Wow. I didn't know that," Harry replied, smiling.

"Of course you didn't," Hermione replied. Men never know anything.

Three, call me instead of text me

Four, make sure when we talk you look at me

Don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know

You really don't know how I feel

"Next," she began. "Make sure to call her instead of just texting her. Hearing your voice is much more important than just receiving a text. Besides, it allows the girl to know where you are because of the background noises. Therefore, you can reassure her that you're alone and you're missing her.

"And finally, when you talk, look into her eyes. That makes her sure that you're telling the truth and that you don't have anyone else in your mind but her."

"Wow, these things you're telling me are amazing," Harry said.

Hermione just sniggered. Men are so thick. "Obviously, Harry, you don't know what a girl wants."

You don't know what a girl wants

What a girl, what a girl wants

Louder, louder, say it louder for me

Again, again tell them what we need

You don't know what a girl wants

What a girl, what a girl wants

Just do, just do, just stay with me

I do, I do I do need you

Time flew by since the day we first met at the park

A hundred days, a thousand days

But still you forgot that it's my birthday

"How many years has it been since you first met Ginny?" Hermione asked, much like an investigator with Harry in a lie-detector machine.

"Fifteen," Harry said confidently.

"When's Ron's birthday?" she asked.

"First of March," Harry scoffed.

"Mine?"

"September nineteenth," he answered simply. "Honestly, Hermione how is this going to-"

"Ginny's?" she cut in.

"Um . . .uh . . ."Harry had difficulty in answering this question.

"Ah ha! See, see?" Hermione pointed out. "You don't even know Ginny's birthday after fifteen years of celebrating it with her."

"Well-"

"Okay, don't make excuses. I'm letting you off the hook," Hermione said, "as long as you can recite her number to me."

I'll forgive you, coz it just really happens

But how could you not even have

My number registered in your cellphone

"Oh . . . th-that's easy!" Harry said. Hermione raised her eyebrows. "It's . . . um . . . okay I give up."

"Tsk . . . tsk . . . tsk," Hermione clucked her tongue disapprovingly. "You should memorize her cell phone number should you lose your phone. That way, she doesn't go around panicking. You can immediately tell her what happened, without her having to call your best friends, for example, Ron or me."

"Fine, I promise to do that," he replied.

"Good. You should have done that ages ago, though.

A bag, shoes bling bling, no need for that

Your eyes are the perfect accessory

I, I, I want it, want it

You, You, you you can you stay here

Oh, those words written in your heart

The word "love" is a word of trust

Oh, from now on, please

Show-show-show it to me

"Now, what's the perfect accessory that you should never ever forget?"

"Oh . . . um-"

"Trick question! Your perfect accessory is your eyes," Hermione said, sitting on the couch in front of Harry and making him look at her. "You should make sure that you're looking straight into her eyes." Hermione looked at Harry, and somehow, she felt something that she could not describe. "Let her see the depth . . . the brightness . . . the honesty . . . and most of all . . . show her how much you love her." She continued to stare at his eyes and soon, had to break contact, or else she would push herself beyond the limitations she'd drawn for herself.

No you don't love Harry, Hermione and don't think that he loves you, because as you can see, he's asking you advice on how to make Ginny fall for him, she thought.

"Well, I guess that's it," Hermione replied. "For the final test, you have to recite everything-and I mean everything-that would make Ginny fall in love with you."

One, when we hold hands be happy

Two, when you get annoyed, just smile at me

Don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know

Even when I tell you, you don't know

Three, call me instead of text me

Four, make sure when we talk you look at me

Don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know

You really don't know how I feel

Say oh, oh, oh, baby, la, la, la, la, la

Say oh, oh, oh, honey, la, la, la, la, la

You don't know what, you don't know what

What a girl wants

You don't know what, you don't know what

What a girl wants

And with perfect clarity, Harry recited everything he had to do.

"Wonderful," Hermione replied. "Now, you go do that and I'll be expecting reports from you every few days or so."

"Okay," Harry said, stepping into the grate. "And by the way, Hermione, your hair's wonderful. I love it when it's all tangled up like that, like you just rolled out of bed."

"Really?" Hermione replied, a bit touched.

"And when you need a shopping buddy, I'm right here," he added.

"Um, okay?" Hermione said with a laugh that hinted, "Who are you and what have you done to Harry Potter?"

"And before I forget, thanks for the info on how to make you fall in love with me," Harry finished. Before Hermione could say anything, the emerald flames erupted after Harry threw them onto the grate and he shouted, "Harry Potter's apartment!"

He left with a little bit of ash, smoke and a sly smile playing on his lips.

Hermione, however, was dumbfounded.

"Did he just say what I thought he said?" she asked no one in particular.

Hermione stood there in front of the grate for five minutes before finally realizing that Harry was in love with her, just as she was in love with him.

One, when we hold hands be happy

Two, when you get annoyed, just smile at me

Don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know

Even when I tell you, you don't know

Three, call me instead of text me

Four, make sure when we talk you look at me

Don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know

You really don't know how I feel

You don't know what a girl wants

What a girl, what a girl wants

Louder, louder, say it louder for me

Again, again tell them what we need

You don't know what a girl wants

What a girl, what a girl wants

Just do, just do, just stay with me

I do, I do I do need you

You don't know what a girl wants

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