Love is Hope: Life after fifth year

***

The next week Hermione felt thoroughly depressed. Besides the realization that her priorities had left her no room for having even a little bit of fun, was starting to weigh on her, she was on odds with Harry on top of that. They hadn’t really fought or anything, but they weren’t the merry bunch, either. Monday morning he’d asked her sarcastically if she hadn’t any of her lectures ready for him about the Quidditch match: playing the hero again, instead of going after the snitch.

It had hurt more then she’d admitted, but she hadn’t reacted to it. She didn’t know what to do about the chilly tension between them, too, and it drove her mad, being unable to solve the problem. Ginny and Ron were either oblivious to all this, or suffering without letting on. The peak had come when on Saturday night Harry had been able to succeed in entering her mind and had found out that she had been in the cave at Grimmauld Place looking at him driving the motorcycle, without informing him.

She had cracked because of the injustice of his accusation of her spying on him. It wasn’t like she had meant to discover it, she’d been dragged by Ginny, and *he* was the one that had concealed the cave from *her*! They’d quarrelled pretty badly, and she’d walked away from the Headmaster’s office, before he could see her tears.

He didn’t come after her, and she’d ignored Dobby, running straight to her room, diving in her bed where she could close the curtains and put a silencing charm around it, for a good cry. Unable to even tell herself what just the reason was behind her tears, she felt frustrated, and such a... *girl*! No boy or man would ever make her cry, and the two who had made her break that rule were coincidentally her best friends. Life sucked!

***

Hermione woke up with a head ache from crying the evening before. She didn’t know how to deal with this. She’d fought with Ron countless times, but it was just the way they were. Ron and she had such different views on life, and both were passionate defenders of those views, so it was conceivable they fought a lot. But it didn’t really hurt like when she fought with Harry, and honestly she couldn’t really recall when Harry and she had ever really fought before.

Sure, they’d had differences before, and he certainly had screamed at her before, or given her the cold shoulder, and she did slap him that one time this summer... but it had never been like this... And the worst part was that she couldn’t lay her finger on what the heart of the problem was, and neither could she figure out why it made her cry when Harry acted like Git-Ron.

Getting up and making herself presentable for the day, she went to the common room with her books. She had slept in a little longer then normal, but she was confused to see the common room empty, but for a few first and second years. Not feeling hungry, she settled herself on a chair and prepared for a day of more relaxed study.

She hadn’t been able to get far with that idea. Before she could open her first book, Ron had plopped down next to her.

“You aren’t going to spend this splendid day inside studying, instead of going to Hogsmead, are you?”

Hogsmead! It was a Hogsmead weekend! She had totally forgotten! She needed more potion supplies and some extra quills would be nice, not to mention some sweets...

She looked at her books, deciding when she would go best. If she hurried now she could catch the carriages, if not, she’d have to walk the way... The exercise would do her some good, but...

“Hermione? You wanna go to Hogsmead with me? If we go now we’ll be able to catch a carriage?”

Why did he look so nervous, they go to Hogsmead together all the time, them and Harry. “Is Harry not going?”

Ron looked a bit disappointed; Hermione was sure she was missing a clue. Besides it wasn’t that she wanted to see Harry right now, actually she was planning on trying to avoid him as much as possible today.

“Harry’s already gone, I thought you two could use a break from each other for a little while...”

Hermione looked up at that; so Ron wasn’t as clueless as he seemed... “Ok, just let me grab some money, I’ll be down in a moment” Ron smiled broadly as if he’d just done something he didn’t thought he could.

Hermione had actually a great time with Ron. Granted, Ron was one of her best friends, so it should be obvious she had a good time hanging out with him. But she’d feared they would’ve been in another of their usual fights by now. But the day had gone by marvellously. He’d been patient with her when she was doing her purchases, and she’d indulged him in going to the joke shop and wait for him to buy his stuff. She only made one mild comment on how a prefect shouldn’t do that, but didn’t want to risk an argument on that with him.

She’d seen Harry once that morning, from a distance. Seeing Harry talking with Cho Chang nearby the Shrieking Shack made her stomach twist. After the way Cho had treated her this year, she wasn’t sure she liked Harry hanging out with her, but she couldn’t very well say something about that, especially not with how things were going now with Harry and her.

Not wanting Ron to notice what she saw, for the sole reason of avoiding having to talk to him about it, she dragged him to the Three Broomsticks for butterbeers. He’d made her laugh with stories of his childhood and brothers, that were clearly exaggerated, and she *was* having fun, but couldn’t help thinking of the mountains of work waiting for her at the castle. When Ron seemed to catch her anxiety, he was disappointed and tried to make her change her mind.

“Come on, Hermione, just have a little fun! You have to relax sometimes... All that studying can’t be good?”

Hermione suppressed her annoyance for the sake of avoiding a scene. “Look, Ron, it’s not like I don’t appreciate what you’re trying to do, and you’ve cheered me up all morning, I’m very grateful for that. But, really, I’ll be a lot more relaxed if I can return to my books and have some quiet reading done this afternoon than sitting with you pretending to not think about work...”

Ron looked very disappointed, but she was telling the truth. He could find someone here in Hogsmead to talk to and goof around with, after all he was a popular Quidditch captain now. And he could always keep Harry some company, after all the two were best mates. He’d have a lot more fun then keeping her company when she was agonizing over her studies. With that conviction in mind she was surprised to see he was stepping into her carriage to Hogwarts as well.

“Ron, you don’t need to come with me, I’m a big girl, you know”

“That’s ok, I just feel like staying a bit with you for a while. Can’t a bloke accompany his best friend anymore?”

“But what about Harry? Why don’t you spend some time with him? And shouldn’t there be someone watching him?”

Ron chuckled: “Relax, do you really think they would let him out of the castle without a whole set of guards? Now that I think of it, there’s probably someone under an Invisibility Cloak following us right now, protecting the young genius who’s beaten Tom Riddle’s OWL scores...”

Really? Or is he just joking? Anyway, they travelled on in silence for a while. “Hermione?”

“Hmm...”

“What’s going on with you and Harry?”

Hermione frowned: “Harry didn’t tell you?”

Ron cocked his head at her: “Harry told me something about Dobby and your knittings, and that he should’ve said something about it sooner. He did seem sorry, but that was before yesterday, something happened at the Occlumency thing, I just don’t know what. You know Harry when he doesn’t want to talk about something...”

“It really isn’t that big of a deal. He just saw something and he overreacted and then I overreacted and now it’s just this whole thing, and I really don’t know how it got to be ‘this whole thing’. And I’m sorry if you feel like you’re in the middle of it... but I’m sure he’ll just sulk it off and everything will be alright again shortly”

Hermione hoped she sounded more convincing then she felt.

Ron seemed to try to discover if she was telling the truth, and why she wasn’t giving details. But Hermione didn’t plan on willingly betraying Ginny by telling Ron about the discovery of the ‘boys-hide-out’; thinking about it that way really *did* make it sound juvenile anyway, and didn’t offer any more information. To break the tension she started talking about the upcoming lessons they would have on Monday.

Ron was looking at her oddly, like he wanted to tell her something, but couldn’t for some reason. She started feeling unnerved about that. Rambling on, she tried to get rid of that feeling. Ron was still watching her from his seat across, but Hermione started to feel like the carriage was shrinking, while the tension increased. Never one to pass up a challenge, she scooted forward and took Ron’s hands in hers.

“What’s wrong, Ron?” She half expected him to freak at the contact, Ron was never one for more friendly-worried touches.

But he didn’t, what he *did* do made Hermione panic. Ron scooted closer, too. Staring intensely into her eyes, he disentangled one of his hands and brought it up to her face. Before she could register what was going on, he kissed her. A lot of things went through her mind at once, and she felt petrified. Ron was kissing her! Not just a peck on the cheek, but Ronald Weasley’s lips were in skin-contact with hers! Best friend Ronald Weasley was kissing her on the mouth! Was running his tongue over her lips, smearing his saliva! Aargh!

Finally regaining her ability to move, she pushed him off. Her hand went automatically to her mouth to wipe it. Ron looked so hurt, but she just couldn’t handle this right now. Realising the carriage stood still, she jumped out and ran all the way to the Tower, taking her books from the common room and running up to her room.

Had the world gone mad? Maybe she had hallucinated the whole thing; trying and failing to push this out of her mind, she was making very little progress in studying. She hadn’t even noticed it was that late when Ginny came up with a napkin full of food. Dinner was already finished.

Ginny Weasley was one of the only people on this earth that could convince Hermione to spill the beans, even if she didn’t feel like it. Making sure Lavender nor Parvati could overhear her, Hermione told her everything, the wonderful day she had spent in Ron’s presence, the hurt she felt from Harry’s obvious rejection of her friendship, what had happened in the carriage... Ginny was furious at her, she stated Hermione must have been particularly daft to not have noticed before that Ron fancied her.

Through her confused state of mind Hermione remembered things, situations, that should’ve made her see this. The perfume he gave her last Christmas; she’d thought it had been a poor attempt at getting her something more feminine, instead of giving her another book, as if he was trying to hint to her that she should become less of a know-it-all, and more of a *girl*. The jealousy of Krum and the scene at the Yule Ball; she’d thought it was the same annoyance he felt for Ginny’s boyfriends, like an annoying brotherly protectiveness, combined with anger that she had been asked by an international Quidditch star, and he hadn’t even been acknowledged by Fleur...

More flashes came to mind, bringing a whole new dimension to everything that she thought was true. She was so confused! How could she consider herself intelligent if she couldn’t even have seen THAT. It looked quite obvious in retrospect... but how was she to deal with all that? All that she thought was true was suddenly upside-down, she couldn’t even trust her own judgement anymore!

And Ron, poor Ron, he’d maybe thought she was playing hard to get or something, and had decided to risk his luck, when she’d grabbed his hands. He would’ve thought she was giving him silent consent to put the moves on her. Ron tried to put the moves on her! How, oh how could she not have seen this coming! And now, because of her stupidity, she’d hurt her best friend in the worst way possible!

Ginny was looking at her while she was mentally lamenting; looking up, she saw the younger girl’s anger had subsided a bit and was giving way for pity. Hermione’s sense of honour rebelled at that, she didn’t need pity! But what could she do? Before she had the chance to say anything, Ginny interrupted:

“You have to talk to him, you know. It’s bad enough having Harry and you acting like you’re just acquaintances; I will not suffer the sulkiness of my brother also! Now come on! We’re going to the boy’s dormitory!”

Hermione very much would’ve liked to protest, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Normally she would’ve thought leaving Ron to deal with it on his own would be better, but she couldn’t bear having him ignoring her too, or worse, hate her! So she let herself be dragged. In the common room, she saw Harry talking to Neville and Dean and Seamus goofing around, trying to impress younger students.

Ginny made a complicated hand movement to the latter two, and Hermione could only guess it meant to see that no one would go up to the sixth year boys’ dormitory. Ron was, as expected, sulking in his room. Ginny just shoved Hermione into the room, and stayed guard at the door. Feeling extremely nervous Hermione entered the room a bit further.

“Ron?” She pleaded, but he only threw her a brief look, before returning to his original pose of sulkiness.

Plunging in, she tried to make her case: “Ron, look, I’m sorry. I... I didn’t know, I should’ve know, but I guess I’m just stupid and blind when it comes to me. I just never thought about it before, and then you kissed me, and I didn’t know how to react, and I just panicked, and I’m sorry. I mean it wasn’t like you were a bad kisser or something, well at least I don’t *think* so. But I was just so overwhelmed/”

“You’re not stupid, blind yes but not stupid. I’m the stupid one, for ever believing, hoping you’d like me too”

Ron sounded so broken, she couldn’t bear it. “But... I just haven’t had time to accustom to the idea, maybe... Look you’re my best friend, and I love you very much as a friend, so maybe, if we take it slowly we’d just... maybe... All I want is not to loose you... Please?”

Hermione couldn’t believe she was saying this! This wasn’t her; who was speaking in her place?! Did she like Ron like that? Maybe, maybe not... But Ron deserved better than that! She couldn’t treat him like that, giving him false hope before she knew for sure that hope could be real. Her feelings were such a mess right now, she couldn’t think straight. All that she was feeling was the desperate need to undo the hurt she’d caused...

Ron snorted: “You know, my dad used to tell us something” Not sure where he was taking this, she settled on listening, making herself as small as possible.

“He’d say, he and mum had been best friends for years before they realised they were in love. He used to say he’d had girlfriends before her and he felt like he was very much in love with all of them, even when they kissed he felt the butterflies and all that sentimental rubbish you’re supposed to feel. You can imagine I was grossed out about the conversation, especially when Fred and George started to make lewd jokes about it. But then he said something that I’ll always remember. He said crushes come and go, some butterflies even stick for quite some time, but it isn’t real, it isn’t love. He said we’d know love when we’d meet it. He said when he first kissed mum he knew he was going to marry her, because he didn’t even notice the crazy feelings, only that everything was right. Everything just fell into place, everything would be alright if he’d just have her on his side... He’d said that we would know in the deepest of our core that it was meant to be...”

Hermione barely dared breathing, who knew Ron Weasley had a sentimental streak?

Ron shifted his gaze to Hermione, he looked heart broken. “You’re not my soul mate” He said this with an incredulous expression, and his tone spoke of awe at himself that he had come to this realisation. Hermione only now noticed tears were streaming from her eyes. She felt emotionally empty, like she had missed a chance at relative happiness, but at the same time felt relieved.

“So... What happens now?” she asked softly.

Ron said: “I don’t know... It’s not like I’ve always wanted to know who I was going to marry at sixteen or something, but I’d always thought that with you...”

Hermione didn’t know what to say to this. She saw something of a glimmer of Ron’s spirit flashing through his eyes. “I guess I should be just grateful you didn’t slap me when I smothered you out of nowhere...”

Though she could tell he was still suffering, she laughed a bit nervously through her tears. “Ron, I meant what I said, I don’t want to loose our friendship, I...”

Well, it only seemed fair to let herself open up to him, like he had done, “Ron, your and Harry’s friendship mean the world to me. You must have noticed that before you two, I’d never had any real friends, ever; unless you count books... And about the kiss, I’m very sorry about how I reacted. It’s just, I’d never been kissed before, and it just took me completely by surprise and, I didn’t know what to do...”

While she rambled on, Ron did something he’d never done before. A bit hesitantly, he walked towards her, and hugged her. After her initial shock was over, she hugged him back with much force. Her sobs gradually died down.

Ron broke the silence: “Hey, finally, I was afraid you were turning into Cho-the-human-hosepipe!”

Hermione smiled at that letting go of him to swat his arm. “I’m just a bit more emotional then normal because of the whole confusion with Harry, and with Ron Weasley suddenly becoming all charming and emotionally mature... It’s enough to make any girl go crazy...”

Ron’s expression grew serious again: “Are you going to tell me now what’s really going on with Harry? And why you looked so hurt when he was talking to Cho next to the Shrieking Shack?”

Ron looked at her frowning, “You fancy him, don’t you!” While Ron was fighting down his jealousy, Hermione disentangled herself from his arms, confused.

“No, of course not. Would I have offered you moments ago to give you a chance, if I knew my heart was already elsewhere?” Ron looked at her, not completely convinced.

She sighed, she could as well tell him everything, it wasn’t like it mattered *that* much, and maybe, just maybe he would be able to help her understand... After all, Ron was a boy, and she knew she wasn’t going to find the guide to a boy’s mind in the library any time soon, so, why not step out of character a bit and tell Ron her problems...

***

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