Heading the School

Chapter Twenty-Four

Lily couldn't help but feel a little light-headed as she walked up the stairs to Dumbledore's office. Apparently, Rabastan knew something. And apparently, it was very bad, else he wouldn't look so cheerful about it. She had an idea of what it was that Dumbledore wanted her for, but she didn't want to think about that, as it made her even more light-headed.

She took a deep breath and opened the door to Dumbledore's office, peering inside. He was sitting at his desk, looking grave, but looked up when his door opened.

"Come in, Miss Evans, come in," he said, standing up to welcome her. She found herself shaking slightly, and having trouble hiding that successfully from Dumbledore. Thankfully, he offered her a seat, and she was glad for it; a few more seconds standing, and her knees might have given out.

"You...wanted to see me?" she asked, never feeling so nervous around him. Perhaps it was because she knew that whatever he had to say would not be good. His eyes, usually sparkling, were dull and grim.

"I wish, Miss Evans, that the news I have to give you was pleasant, but I am afraid that it is not."

Her trembling increased and she nodded, blankly.

"And no matter how many times I seem to have to deliver this kind of news, it never becomes easier for me."

The room was more silent than a grave, except for the loud drum beat. Then she realized that the drum beat was her heart.

"I'm afraid that your family has been...attacked."

She understood each word, but together they made no sense in her mind. She was still trying to figure out what he was saying when he continued.

"And I'm also afraid that none who were in the house were spared."

Then it all clicked. Her worst fears came true. A dead weight fell upon her and she struggled to breathe under the heaviness of it.

She found enough breath to croak out, "They're...dead?"

He seemed truly to regret his actions when he nodded.

"All of them?" she asked, breathing lightly and deeply/

He nodded again.

"Mum? A-And Daddy? And Oliver? Even Petty?"

"Your sister was not at the house at the time, thankfully, she is still alive," Dumbledore said,

Lily's body seemed to be working without her, and she wasn't hearing anything except the drum beat and a loud ringing. Her chin was trembling and deep, rasping breaths came out of her mouth. She was so concerned on trying to get a hold of herself that she didn't realize that Dumbledore had left his desk and had put a comforting hand on her shoulder, until he spoke again.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Miss Evans?"

Lily did have one burning question, which she struggled to get out. "Was Oliver...was he a...was he on the list for Hogwarts?"

Dumbledore walked over to a locked cabinet and opened it, pulling out a list with many scratched out names. "I am afraid, Miss Evans, that there are a lot of young Muggle-borns who will not be attending Hogwarts next year, along with your brother."

The dam behind her eyes broke and hot tears ran down her face. Her body started convulsing in sobs without her telling it to, and she held herself in her middle, a pain growing in her chest. Time just seemed to stop and the only thing left was the fact that her parents were gone and-

"Oh no..." she said to herself. They had died probably last night. She never had a chance to tell them that she was sorry. They died hating her. They would never love her again!

The sobs come out again, this time, she didn't care that they were unbidden. Her parents were gone forever, and so was her little brother-

"Oliver..." He was never going to get to attend Hogwarts. He was never going to get to play a game of Quidditch or be a world famous player, or even learn one spell. He wouldn't even have a wand or a broomstick. He'd begged her to take him to Diagon Alley to buy a broomstick over Christmas. James was going to be so disappointed.

"James...I need you James," she begged quietly, rocking herself back and forth. She didn't care that he thought she was a dog. She needed to see him; she needed to see him still alive and warm.

"Lily..." came the deep voice that she found herself begging for. James didn't even pause to look at her before sweeping her up in his arms into a tight hug.

"James..." she sobbed. "Oh God, James, they're dead. Oliver can't play! He'll never be able to!"

"Shh," he stroked her hair, determined not to let her see him fall to pieces like he wanted to.

"And they died hating me!" she screamed. "They hate me! They always will hate me!"

"No, Lily, no they don't," James winced as she screamed right into his ear. "They love you."

"They're g..." She couldn't talk anymore, and her knees gave out.

She would never remember James taking her out of Dumbledore's office, or the confused and concerned stares of the students just out of lunch as she sobbed shamelessly into James' shoulder, or when James had carried her up to his dormitory and locked the door behind him, shutting off Sirius and Remus' concerned stares.

The next thing that she could recall clearly about that horrible day was looking up at James who was silently crying next to her.

"James," she whispered and reached up to brush away his tears.

"Have you come back to me now?" James smiled, his voice thick. "I was worried."

"I'll never leave you again," she shook her head, and buried her head in his chest. "I don't care that I'm weak and servile."

"What are you talking about?" James said, sitting up a bit. "I don't think-"

"I'll sleep with you, James," she said, leaning up and kissing him and clinging to him. "I'll be a good girlfriend. Just don't leave me."

"Lily I don't want you to-oof!" he said when she pushed him on his back.

"Kiss me," she whispered.

"You aren't in your right mind-"

"Kiss me, Baby, please, I need to know you're there," she breathed.

"I'm not going to-mmph!" She kissed him on the lips, long at first, and then fervently, not even caring that he was trying to push her off. She was oddly persistent though, pushing her tongue through his lips and nearly ripping his shirt off. He finally got a good grip on her and pushed her off of him.

"James, don't you want me anymore?" she asked, a half-crazed desperate look in her eyes.

"I do, Lily, I do," he said, taking her hands in his. "But I'm not going to sleep with you. You aren't thinking clearly."

"Yes I am, James. I'm ready," she began undressing herself. "I'm ready to do whatever you want me to do."

"Lily, stop!" James said, clearly terrified. She was halfway to unhooking her bra and was breathing raggedly. "Just stop, Baby."

"Then kiss me, please."

Then James did the hardest thing that he'd ever been forced to do in his entire life. He got up off the bed and shook his head. "I can't Lily..."

"Fine!" she cried, standing up. "I'll go sleep with Sirius! I'm sure he wouldn't care!"

"Lily, for crying out loud, listen to yourself!" he yelled at her, whirling on her. She stopped moving but continued to breath hard. She watched as tears began falling down his face.

"I love you, Lily. More than my own life," he began crying again. "I'm hurting right now, because you're hurting." He picked up her hand and put it to his own chest. "Every tear that comes down your face is like a little piece of me being taken away."

"So why won't you let me sleep with you?" Lily asked, quietly.

"Because I know that you would hate yourself later for it, and because I don't need you to sleep with me to know how much you mean to me. So please, please," he begged her, a small sob coming out. "Please stop acting like this. I can't...I can't stand it anymore. I want my Lily back."

He looked deep into her eyes and could see, thankfully, that she was slowly coming back to herself. Her chin began to tremble again and tears fell down her face. She looked down at her hands.

"I'm...I'm so sorry, James."

He closed his eyes and pulled her over to him, crushing her to him. "I was so worried. Thank Merlin, thank Merlin."

"I want to go home, James, I want my Mummy and Daddy," she whispered.

"I know, Baby, I know."

"Oliver...you never...he was a wizard you know?" she sobbed.

"I know," James squeezed his eyes shut.

"He would have made an excellent-"

"Shh..." James quieted her. He didn't think he could take any more of it, so he continued to rock her back and forth.

"Alohomora." James looked up as Sirius and Remus walked inside, grim looks on their faces. They had given them enough privacy for a while, but they too were concerned about their friends.

Sirius said nothing, but picked up Lily's half-thrown shirt and handed it to her, plopping down next to James. Remus had gone to the bathroom to grab some toilet paper to clean them up a bit.

"McGonagall told us to tell you that you're on the next train back," Sirius said, picking up the shirt that Lily had just dropped. He scooted closer and took her limp hand, holding it gently. "Moony and I want to come, if that's all right."

She nodded, sniffling. Remus returned with the toilet paper and handed a piece to James. He then sat down next to Lily and held a piece to her nose.

"Blow," he instructed softly. She gave a feeble snort into his napkin and he smiled weakly at her.

"Thanks you guys," she whispered softly.

"We're your family, Lily," Sirius said, quietly. "We always have been and we always will be."

"Anything you want us to do?" Remus asked.

"Be here with me?" she asked, clinging to James tighter.

"As long as you want us to," Sirius nodded.

"...rude thing to do. I mean..."

"...help it. Her sister's not really been..."

"...sisters. What ever happened to sisterly support..."

Lily opened her eyes groggily. She was lying in a bed that felt unfamiliar, but smelled very familiar. Looking around, she saw that she was back in James' room at his house. There were Quidditch players that zoomed from one poster to another, throwing the Quaffle and tossing it into the goal.

She sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She could hear strains of conversation coming up through the cracked door.

"Honestly James," came the flustered voice of his mother. "Somebody needs to talk to her about this."

Lily pushed open the door slowly and sat at the top of the stairs, as James and his mother and father were talking at the bottom of it. Sirius and Remus were throwing in their thoughts every few seconds as well.

"You've got to understand something about Petunia Dursley," James shook his head. "She's hated Lily ever since she got her Hogwarts letter. She would have hated Oliver just as much. She's completely serious with this letter."

"James, son," Mr. Potter put his hand on his shoulder. "She's probably just in a lot of pain-"

"But to not invite Lily to her own family's funeral..." Mrs. Potter said.

"What?" Lily asked, looking up. The three looked up at her.

"Lily dear, are you hungry?"

"What did my sister write?" she asked, getting up and walking downstairs. "And why am I here? Why am I not at home?"

"Lily, your sister is trying to get the house in order for the guests to arrive, besides, we thought it best that you come here," Mrs. Potter quickly said, hiding the letter behind her back.

"No, let me see it," she asked, quietly.

"Lily-" James sighed.

"Please," she asked holding out her hand. Mrs. Potter handed it to her. She read it blankly and then folded it back up. "I am a bit hungry, Mrs. Potter, do you have anything to eat, please?"

"She's-" James started.

"My sister doesn't hate me," Lily said, forcefully, before turning back to Mrs. Potter. The boys didn't want to argue, for fear that they might loose her to herself, so they said nothing. Mrs. Potter smiled brightly and put her arm around Lily's shoulder.

"Of course she doesn't, darling, now, I've made a pie, would you like a piece?" Lily nodded and they disappeared into the kitchen.

"Prongs, you've got to talk to this stupid sister of hers," Sirius said, as Lily left earshot. "Lily's already fragile, if Petunia starts going off on her, in person, Lily might-"

"I know, Padfoot," James hissed, looking at the letter. "I know, all right? Lily wants to go over there, but I don't know if I want to let her."

"Prongs, you can't just..." Sirius sighed. "I think it would be better if she goes over and sees that the house is empty. It might...I don't know, help the healing process."

"How so?"

"If she sees the house empty," Remus said, quietly. "Then she'll start to realize that they're gone. That's the only way she can get back to herself."

"I don't want to see her like that again, though," James shook his head. "It scared me. It scared me more than when I was...well..." he trailed off.

"More than what?" Sirius asked.

"More than when Voldemort tried to make me kill her," James admitted. "I don't want to make her go through that sort of thing again."

"Prongs, you can't protect her from this," Remus put his hand on his shoulder. "Death is...a fact of life. I know it's hard to deal with but one day...One day we're all going to die, probably sooner than later, with the jobs we've decided on."

"It's worse, Moony," James shook his head. "You didn't see the way she looked. I would rather lose her through death than have her here physically and not here mentally. At least, one day I can join her if she dies."

Sirius stared at him. "You really do love her, don't you?" he said, quietly.

James looked up. "What do you mean?"

"The way you're talking about her, it's like you know that you're going to be with her the rest of your life," he was talking slowly, and had an astonished look on his face. "Do you really feel that deeply about her?"

"I do," James nodded. "Which is why I hate seeing her in pain, because it causes me pain."

"James, you being here for her is all that you can do for her," Remus told him. "I know she would rather go through this with you than go through it alone. You're...you're doing your best mate, and that's all she can ask from you."

"Just...if you need to mourn yourself," Sirius said, looking very grim. "You can."

"I don't feel right, though," James said, plopping down on the chair. "They were her family, not mine, and I just feel...selfish..."

"James, even I'm feeling shitty right now, and Oliver and I weren't even that close," Sirius chuckled a bit. "You...you were like his brother, mate, you feel free to cry or whatever if you need to."

James looked down and snorted. "I'm not going to cry in front of you guys."

"Do you want me to cry with you?" Sirius asked, sitting down next to him. "I can you know-"

"Yes, and it's gotten me out of more detentions than anything else," James chuckled. "I'm fine, I just need to be there for Lily until this is all over with."

"You're a good man, Prongs," Sirius said. "And you'll make a good husband."

"Oi..."

"And you'll have lots of little Prong-Lily babies-"

"Hey..."

"The firstborn named after me, the godfather, of course-"

"Moony, shut him up-"

"I can't, Prongs, he's on a roll."

"I suppose you can have the second one, Moony, and Pete'll have the third-"

"How many kids are we going to have, Padfoot?"

"Well, with all of the sexual tension built up between you, I'd say as many as you can fit in your childbearing age-"

"And who's going to take care of these kids-?"

"And they'll all be on the house team, like their dad-"

"Now, you're talking."