Outrunning Our Shadows

Disclaimer: All characters (but those I’ve invented) belong to JK Rowling and the respective publishing houses. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made on this story apart from the personal enjoyment I get in writing it.

Outrunning Our Shadows

Circumstance Fed the Vision

I tossed and turned, dreams disturbing my slumber.

I blinked and found myself in the middle of a field, surrounded by wildflowers of all varieties. The need to find a certain flower imbued me, and I searched the ground wildly, seeking out a familiar petal or color pattern. No particular name of a flower came to my mind as to what I was searching for, but I had yet to find any, as I waded through the sea of color beneath my feet. Even without knowing what I was looking for, names came to my mind as to the other flowers and herbs that surrounded me: belladonna, lilac, nettles, violets, and the occasional tulip.

As my hands brushed the tops of all the soft petals, skimming over the surface as if my hand would tug me down toward what I was looking for, I found my feet trying not to step on the herbs that I knew by sight if not by name, taking care to leave the small yellow five-petaled flowers intact. Other flowers were crushed in this process of careful side-stepping, but I couldn’t bring myself to damage the innocent flower, even if it wasn’t what I was looking for.

Suddenly, above my head, a sky which had been cloudless and sunny clouded over within seconds, sending an enormous crack of lightning across the sky, with the rumble of thunder following on its heels. Dread immediately suffused me, and I felt as if someone close to me had died, so horrible was the feeling. On intuition, I lifted up my right foot from where I had just placed it, and, seeing what lay underneath the boot, I fell to my knees in anguish.

A solitary flower lay flattened into the soft dirt of the field, its leaves deformed by the imprint of my shoe sole. Hands shaking, I gathered the lily in my hands and wept as if mourning the loss of a distinct part of me. I knew, in that moment, that there was only one such flower in this field of this sort, and that not even water, sun, and care would bring it back to its original delicate beauty.

High above, in the heavens, another bolt of lightning struck the field, and another. Then, as I stayed there, on my knees with the crushed flower held in front of my like an offering, a swift wind came through and whisked it out of my hands, carrying it far away from me. Before I could cry out, however, the sharp rumble of thunder drowned out my thought processes.

I jerked awake, sitting up straight in my bed, forehead damp with sweat as I breathed heavily. As I gasped for breath, I felt a name on the tip of my tongue, and even as I tried unsuccessfully to coax the quickly receding word to my lips, I felt a despair fill me, knowing that the significance of my dream was lost to me. I threw myself back down on the bed, banging my head into the soft pillow, cursing myself for waking up in the middle of the night and not even understanding my subconscious. Eventually, I fell back to sleep, this time uninterrupted.

When I awoke in the morning to Sirius pulling off my covers and dripping cold water on my feet, I’d forgotten about the dream.

~~~~~~

You would think, considering what had happened in the Library, that life would suddenly become much different for me. I had suspended all ties to my best girlfriend, and had accepted the company of a different girl to Hogsmeade. According to memory, it had been some time since I’d tested the dating waters, and in a moment of conceit, I expected people to notice and comment. After all, I was somewhat of a presence in the student body, Quidditch captain and all, not to mention Prefect. I woke up the next morning from a fitful night’s sleep with my head full of questions for the day ahead.

Even though I had not told anyone about either my fight with Lily or the previous night’s events in the Library, I half-expected Bertha Jorkins or Rita Skeeter to already have posted flyers around the school of this new development. Oddly, I was torn between feeling relief that no one had called me out to explain, and feeling indignant that no one had called me out to explain. After laughing at my ego, I settled on feeling grateful to Rhuanned for her discretion in not disclosing our “date” to the entire student body before 8am.

I settled in to breakfast in this somewhat detached mood, feeling that I was separate from my friends in some intangible way. We hadn’t had secrets from one another in so long; it felt odd to think that, in the way that young children boast, “I know something you don’t know!” And it certainly wasn’t a topic I was keen to bring up at the breakfast table with the guys, who thought that Lily and I were still best friends who had had a bit of a scuffle the past weeks. So, instead of getting off my chest the multitude of questions which I had about relationships, girls, and all the uncertainties that come with life changes, I sat back and tried to relax, listening to the morning gossip of my mates.

Turns out, I had missed a few important developments in my avoidance of all things Lily lately. She had finally come around last night to talk to Peter about the agreement they had made about their chess matches – if Lily had ever beaten Peter, she was entitled to make him do one things of her choosing, no holds barred. Knowing Lily, this was certainly going to be an interesting affair, and one in which a camera was most likely going to be needed at several points before, during, and after, to adequately catch the entire event. When I heard what it was, however, my heart began to race. It seemed that Peter would have to ask a Hufflepuff in the 6th year to Hogsmeade. No names were mentioned, just that the girl would have to be unattached, so as not to be infringing on a relationship. So, now, at this breakfast, the topic of conversation was who Peter should ask.

Names were thrown out and then retracted, as the three of them wracked their brains to think of the most current social web of Hogwarts. Finally, to my horror, it was determined that Rhuanned Parry was the only 6th year who was currently unattached who didn’t have some sort of permanent deformity that would make asking her to Hogsmeade too much of a horrible joke. Even if Peter was doing this on a bet of sorts, he had a kind heart and wanted to take someone with whom he could actively converse without feeling like an ass.

My head pounding, I broke into the conversation for the first time that morning. “Not Rhuanned,” I said, voice croaking a little from not having been used yet. Fumbling for an excuse, I said the first thing that came to my mind. “I think she already has a date to Hogsmeade.”

The three of them looked at me oddly. Remus raised one eyebrow and said, wryly, “And just how, Mr. Potter, did you come across this tidbit of information?”

“Um…”I said, trying to sidestep the giant hole that I almost dug for myself, “we had a conversation yesterday in the Library about the Prefect meeting that I missed, and she told me.” There, they knew I was in the Library, so that’s a cover. Hopefully they won’t ask who it is.

Remus seemed mollified, shrugged his shoulders and sat back in his seat. Peter, however, looked disgruntled. “Damn,” he griped, “and to think she was the best of the lot of them. Pretty cute, too.”

Sirius nodded, closing his eyes and whistling softly. “She sure is, Peter. Blond and leggy, and that cute face. And she’s a Hufflepuff, which means that she’s loyal to whoever she’s with. Too bad she wouldn’t be much for conversation, not that you’d want to have a conversation with her, when there are much better things to do with one’s mouth.”

I shifted uncomfortably, not enjoying my friends talk about my date as if she were a piece of meat. I knew that Rue was pretty, but I wasn’t about to let it be the only thing that I liked about her. After all, she was a prefect, and prefects don’t get chosen because they’re pretty or popular. In fact, I thought, annoyed. Students don’t even pick the prefects. They’re chosen based on their academic record and recommendations by professors. Still, I didn’t say a word. My mates weren’t stupid, and if I started sticking up for another girl apart from Lily too much, they’d get suspicious.

Breakfast ended soon after, without an entrance from Lily or a decision made by Peter about who to take to Hogsmeade. As we gathered our things to begin the day, I glanced at my notes for what was on the agenda for the day. Underneath the normal Wednesday classes, there was a starred section reminding me that there were two hours in the afternoon to work with the other Prefects on the Great Hall. Rue would be there. Calculating in my head, I reasoned that I had enough time to think between then and now about what Rue was to me – I had to make sure that I was ready for this new phase of my life.

~~~~~~

After classes, the Prefects gathered in the Great Hall to begin set up for the Halloween Feast. Since I had not been at the Prefects’ meeting, I went without knowing who my partners were going to be and what I was set to do, but I figured that I had no right to complain, since I had been romping around on the grounds of the school while my peers were planning this event. I felt a momentary twinge of guilt for skiving off the meeting, but decided that Remus and the boys were more important than one little meeting, and as long as I worked hard during this session, I’d be square with anyone who’d call me to the carpet for missing on Friday.

Professor Dumbledore had always been a proponent of inter-House cooperation, and this was evident in the way that Prefects worked. We would always divide the tasks among the lot of us, paying no attention to year or House, and often trying to get people to pair together with others they had not before met or worked with. The result of this was mixed: among the working pairs where tasks were achieved were those who spent their time sending barbed comments back and forth without much being achieved. This was usually what occurred when Gryffindors and Slytherins were paired together. The Heads of the Houses, who supervised our activities, soon realized that no amount of coercion or incentive would get favorable results. Since we were Prefects, and therefore had some sense, no one was ever cursed and we never allowed our arguments to be degraded into physical violence, but the atmosphere was always tense whenever the two Houses were paired together.

As such, it happened more often than not that Gryffindors were paired with Hufflepuffs, and Slytherins with Ravenclaws, since the wit of the Ravenclaw Prefects could offset the sarcasm of their Slytherin counterparts. Most of the time, however, once the project got underway, people gravitated toward those they worked best with: the Slytherins among themselves, and the other three houses interspersed. This Halloween appeared to be no different. When we split up into groups, I found myself approached by the Head Boy, Philip Bones, and we were set with the task of transfiguring white linen sheets into skeletons. Lily had passed in front of me without a word, and gone off with Samantha Brinkworth, the 5th Year Hufflepuff Prefect, to the corner where other Prefects were charming orange and black candles. I allowed myself to look toward Lily’s corner for a moment before shaking my head and turning back to Philip, who seemed anxious to begin our set task.

“Some of the other groups are going to be along shortly,” he said, looking around as if to find proof of his words. Huffing, he then looked at me, eyes taking in my features. “I’m glad to see you’re up and about, Potter. Madame Pomfrey fix you up then?”

Remembering again my excuse from Friday’s meeting, I nodded quickly. “Madame Pomfrey’s got a wicked potion for whatever ails you,” I said wryly. “She’ll keep you in that Infirmary a week if you have so much as a sniffle, and shove Pepper-Up Potion down your throat.”

Philip nodded, grinning slightly. It was nice to see him relaxed a little, since normally he was always on the go with some or another administrative errand. As our linen sheets wriggled themselves into skeletons with proper bone structure, we kept up the small talk. After a few minutes, as the work became routine, I thought about how busy Philip had been with his Head Boy duties, and wondered whether being Head Boy next year would be something that would take up too much of my time. Would I still have time to sneak off with the guys every full moon? Frolic around Hogsmeade?

It didn’t occur to me that anyone else would get the position. After all, the Head Boy had to be a Prefect, and so the only ones up for it besides me were Arnold Peasgood from Hufflepuff, Vijay Patil from Ravenclaw, and, I grinned to myself, Mr. Slimy Git. was a nice guy, if a little too fond of Memory Charms, but his strengths were always in his ability to follow, and not lead. Usually, it was his partner Rhuanned who would take the initiative, with following faithfully. Vijay had the academics, and was a great friend of Lily, a feat that accounted for his adaptability and levels of tolerance, but he had no capacity for anything but his studies. A true Ravenclaw, he lived for books and learning, but did little else. I argued that this static nature would cost him the Head Boy badge, but figured that Vijay wouldn’t care, since it would free up time for his schoolwork. Snape, for all that he was talented both in the classroom and on the Pitch, was alternately hated and feared by most of the student body, who would probably cower in fear if Snape was in charge.

From all of this conjecturing, I concluded that I had a pretty good shot. I came from generations of Head Boys and Prefects, and my mother was Head Girl to my father’s Head Boy. I was no slouch in the classroom, and my skills on the Quidditch Pitch spoke for themselves. I prided myself on my ability to work well with others, save all slimy gits, and rather thought that the students, on a whole, thought well of me.

By this time, Philip and I had been joined by the contingent assigned to charm the skeletons with personalities. I looked around the newcomers, nodding to those I recognized, and frowning a little when I came to Lily, sandwiched between the female Ravenclaw Prefects. She didn’t look straight at me, but rather talked purposefully with Bethany Robbins about the various ways to charm friendliness into the skeletons even as I tried to get her attention. Feeling that waving a hand in front of her face might be considered rude, I walked away from the group toward a small table which had been set up for refreshments. As I poured myself some pumpkin juice, I surveyed the work that we had accomplished in the last hour or two.

The room was beginning to look festive. The candles now hung orange and black over the tables, with scenes of cool autumn nights portrayed in huge tapestries which hung from high above the ground. Pumpkins floated in strategic places, leering at any passerby, and the skeletons walked around on jittery legs as their charms were completed. Even though Halloween itself was more than a week away, finishing the decorations gave the administration and student leaders peace of mind, knowing that most of the hard work was done. Once we were finished, the decorations would be stripped with a Dumbledore-strength Concealing Charm until Halloween, when he’d Finite Incantatem the room before the Feast.

The people who had finished their chores began wandering from group to group, socializing. Lily and the Ravenclaw girls stayed by the skeletons, likely fixing any charms that had been done improperly by others. Lily lately had taken on the role of the spell-checker, making sure that nothing could go awry when the time arrived. As she placed permanence charms on the animated linens, I sighed to myself. Peter was usually the spell—checker in our group, always checking the processes for our pranks and adventures, trying to find loopholes or cracks in the plans. Now here was Lily, doing the same thing with people other than our group, and it made me sad. She had continued to hang out with them almost exclusively, occasionally chatting with the other guys when in the Common Room, but she had evidently branded me as anathema, since I was never able to get closer than 5 feet to her. Ever since our argument, she had acted differently toward me. The difference was unsettling, to say the least.

Chameleon who fit the scene
You never let this world drag you down but it has finally
And I can’t help but feel responsible for the change I’ve seen in you
I’ll always cherish the girl you try so hard to leave behind
Circumstance fed the vision that has come to cripple you
If I could take it back I’d let you go
I’d watch you bloom

I wondered if anyone else noticed the change in her. She seemed so comfortable in whatever role she was playing, but it all felt wrong to me. It rankled in the back of my head, a constant reminder that my life wasn’t all Chocolate Frogs and Head Boy badges. I missed my friend, and yet I knew that she had to come around on her own. I just hoped that it didn’t take too long.

The other woman in my life was also a reason to pause in thought. Rue had proved to be a light in the dark for me, giving me an outlet for my frustrations and wild thoughts which would normally channel directly to Lily, but had lately been building up. While I wasn’t crass enough to discuss Lily with her, Rue and I had a great conversation in the Library about friendship and the need for trust. Being a Hufflepuff, she knew about loyalty and devotion, and it was nice to have a fresh opinion on some of the same discussions that had gone around my group of friends in Gryffindor. Overall, however, I still didn’t know Rue very well, but knew that she was a good addition to my life; she was open and honest, and had gone out of her way to find things that we had in common. It was such a relief to find a girl who was feminine enough for you to feel comfortable, but bold enough to take the lead if necessary. I watched her as she spoke with the Head Girl, Ophelia Travers of Slytherin. Despite the icy treatment she appeared to be receiving from Ophelia, Rue still left the conversation with a wry smile and a spring in her step, and waved to me before heading toward the door with .

She stopped at the threshold, looking back toward me expectantly. Her voice rang out, “Aren’t you coming?”

Huh? I snapped my head up, focusing on my surroundings.

As I looked around, I saw that my still-full glass of pumpkin juice was no longer cold, and there was no one left in the room but me. I must have zoned out. Feeling like an idiot, I jogged over to the door, and gave Rue a quick grin and “Thanks!” We walked peaceably down a few corridors before turned down a staircase toward the Hufflepuff dormitories. Grabbing Rue’s hand, I quickly asked if she’d like to take a walk with me later in the afternoon.

“Sure,” she said, smiling brightly. “I’m going to the Library now for some work in Herbology, but I’d love to take a break and go for a walk if you come collect me.”

With that, she walked quickly to catch up to , and I walked back to the , feeling a pang of loss. Whether for the absence of a female Prefect’s company of my own House or another House, I couldn’t tell.

~~~~~~

As soon as I entered the Common Room, I was assaulted. Sirius all but pounced on me, knocking me to the ground with a jarring swiftness. Then, hauling me bodily up and grabbing the front of my robes, he dragged me across the room to the dormitory stairs. I waved to the open-mouthed students at the tables as I was pulled against my will to the 6th Year’s dormitory.

Plopping me down on my bed, Sirius began pacing in the space in front of me, hands behind his back, face a mix of annoyance and question. I saw Remus and Peter sitting on their respective beds, looking at Sirius amusedly, and Remus gave me a sympathetic smile. Before I could ponder what was going on, however, Sirius stopped right in front of me, hands on his hips, looking indignant.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were dating Rhuanned Parry?” he asked, plaintively. “I had to hear it from Bertha! My own best friend didn’t think I was good enough to tell that he was going on a date with one of the cutest witches in this school, and I learn about it from the school gossip. Well,” he said, looking at me expectantly, “what do you have to say for yourself?”

Sighing, I realized that it would come to this sooner or later. This is what happens when you don’t tell your mates every little detail of your life. “I’m not dating Rue, Sirius,” I began.

“No?” The question came from Peter, resting his chin in his hands. “Did Bertha just make it up?” His face held a small amount of hope.

“Well, not exactly,” I equivocated. “I am going to Hogsmeade with Rue. But we’re not dating, at least not yet.” I felt myself blush a little as I thought about my next sentence. Sheepishly, I added, “She asked me in the Library.”

“She asked you to Hogsmeade?” Sirius asked, overemphasizing the pronouns. “And you said yes?” All three boys were now looking at me with expectant countenances.

I nodded, a little uncomfortable with the scrutiny of my friends.

Remus furrowed his brows for a moment before asking slowly, “What does Lily have to say about this?”

I could feel the blood draining from my face as I said with thin lips, “She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t know.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows and sat down on the Remus’s bed with Remus. Remus lowered his eyebrows and looked at his hands with a frown. Peter sputtered. “But you always talk to Lily about girl issues!”

Remus and Sirius nodded. Remus looked up and asked, carefully, “Are you and Lily still at odds with each other?”

I nodded shortly. “You could say that.”

Remus repositioned himself on his bed, as if to make himself more comfortable with this unpleasant news. “I thought you’d patched things up after yesterday? You’d told me you were going to talk to her,” he accused.

“Bugger this!” Peter said angrily. “What is it with you two lately! You don’t sit near each other at mealtimes, you avoid each other like the plague, and I feel as if you use the three of us to play off of each other. This…fissure…in our group of friends is really getting to me, so you better fix it soon.” His rounded cheeks were flushed with anger, and his watery eyes were trained directly on mine. “You’re unhappy, she’s unhappy, I don’t understand what the problem is. Please explain it to me.” He crossed his arms from his bed, looking at me for an answer or explanation. The other two followed suit, each looking for me to spill this great story.

Sighing, I did so. I told them about how Lily had been worried about staying in the Wizarding world, and how I had told her that she owed us as her friends to either stay or to give herself a chance. I explained how Lily had taken my advice the wrong way and had closed herself off from everyone, shutting herself in her books. I glossed over the argument we had in her room, saying only that when I’d confronted her, she’d gotten short with me.

As the guys listened, their faces softened in sympathy for Lily, realizing finally why she’d been acting so oddly since her parents had died. As I spoke, her words echoed in my head: “Who the hell do you think you are, coming after me like some kind of watchdog, trying to bring me back to the pen with you and the rest of the mutts. I can live on my own, James. I don’t need your permission or guidance.” I felt inexplicably confused about the situation, at times feeling angry at Lily for being difficult, but feeling guilty in the next moment. Thinking about the petite fireball, I still felt that she was the most important female in my life, and no matter how angry she was with me, I still felt a kind of deference for her. Rue was still a new development, and was gaining my respect with every conversation. Lily, though, Lily was…

A cough interrupted my thoughts. Looking up, and realizing I’d been staring at my hands as I rubbed them together, I saw Sirius looking conflicted. “I have to ask you, James, and it’s just because both you and Lily are my very dear friends, so don’t get mad.” He put out a hand as if to ward off any anger I might feel at his next statement. I prepared myself to cringe and wasn’t disappointed when Sirius continued, “Where does Rue fit in in all of this? Is she going to…well…” he stopped, hand gesturing as if I would understand the rest. The other two looked at me worriedly.

Is she going to what?  Replace Lily? Damn it, Sirius. Damn you. I grit my teeth, trying to rein in a retort. Instead, I said nothing for a moment, moving to the end of my bed to open my trunk and pull out my dad’s Cloak. Folding it over my arm, I turned to my mates. With a low voice devoid of any visible emotion, I stated clearly, “To counter any current or future rumors, just because Lily and I had a tiff doesn’t mean I’m going to Hogsmeade with Rue in defiance of Lily. Lily is still my best friend, no matter what’s going on between us. If she asks, you can tell her that. I’m just a little confused, and talking to Rue makes me feel better.” My gaze swept over my friends, who each looked a little abashed. Slowly, I said coldly, “This has nothing to do with Lily.”

With that, I swept out of the room, not bothering to close the door behind me.

~~~~~~

I met up with Rue in the Library as promised, and when she was gathering up her books, I felt simultaneously cheered by her sunny smile and a little guilty at seeking her company to avoid my own problems. Pushing the latter feeling underneath the surface, I found myself smiling warmly at Rue, offering her my arm as we walked out of the Library toward some of the older corridors. The many halls of Hogwarts offered ample opportunity for privacy, and it was pleasant to not be surrounded by nosy people while having a pleasant conversation with a friend or special someone.

Special someone? Is Rue really quite that special to me? This thought gave me pause. As we walked, I tried to reflect on what makes a person stand out among others to me. Like how Lily stood out. That girl stood out like a beacon among the masses of other people at Hogwarts, and was certainly worthy of any interpretation of the word “special.” But she’s not here. I’m walking with Rue. I turned my attention to the girl walking beside me.

“Did you have pleasant afternoon studying?” I asked politely.

Rue laughed, looking at me with an amused expression. “You know, James,” she said, “you don’t have to walk on eggshells with me. I don’t stand for those pleasantries or formalities. But yes, I did get a bit of work done, thank you for asking.”

I smiled lopsidedly, inwardly cursing myself for my awkward beginning. “In that case,” I tried again, gallantly, “tell me something interesting that has transpired since last night and this afternoon. Even at Hogwarts, there must be something interesting which has occurred.” I grinned down at her.

“At a school for Witchcraft and Wizardry? Odd events? Surely not, James,” she chuckled. “However, a girl in my House has been bouncing around non-stop about her impending date to Hogsmeade with a particular Gryffindor 6th Year,” she said slyly, looking up at me through half-lidded twinkling eyes.

I started for a moment, looking at her confusedly. “Honestly, I can’t see you bouncing around about going with me to Hogsmeade, Rue,” I said, “after all, you were the one who asked me, not the other way around.” Then I paused for a moment, seemingly pondering something important. “On the other hand,” I puffed out my chest, “you did get a date with me, the Great James Harold Potter, so I can see how you would be excited about the opportunity.”

She hit me lightly on the arm and rolled her eyes. “Not me, you great git. Doris Crockford. Evidently your mate Peter asked her to Hogsmeade out of the blue last night. She’s been talking about how cute he is ever since. Though,” she paused, shrugging her shoulders, “I can’t see why he’d ask her. It’s not as if they’ve been great friends or anything.”

Not thinking about what I was saying and who I was saying it to, I said lightly, “Oh that. Pete lost a game of chess to Lily, and for his punishment he had to ask someone from Hufflepuff to Hogsmeade.” Rue’s face darkened a little, but I took it as thoughtfulness and I continued, “At first they wanted to ask you, but I told them you’d already had a date.” I looked down at her, expecting to see a wry smile such as she’d been showing lately when I was around.

She looked far from amused. Instead, she looked aghast. Her mouth was slightly open, and her eyes stared straight ahead in mild horror or shock. “A bet?” she asked, voice strangled. “Pete asked her out on a bet?” She stopped in her walking and looked straight at me.

Well, I’m having fun clarifying myself all day. Realizing that I’d probably made a wrong move there, I said, “We think that Pete liked her anyway, but was a little too shy to go ahead and ask her. Lily just wanted to get the cauldron bubbling, if you can use that term. It wasn’t supposed to be real punishment, even though it seemed that way to Peter.” She still looked disbelieving. “There was no foul play. Honest.” I gave her my hopeful-puppy-dog face.

She smiled softly. “Alright, Fido,” she conceded. We sat down on a nearby bench to rest our feet for a moment. “So long as it’s not one of your horrid pranks or a joke on . No matter what kind of person she is, she’s a member of my House and I have to stick up for her. I don’t like to see her taken advantage of.” Her eyes lit with a dangerous fire, and I made a mental note to warn Pete to take good care of on the date, for fear of the backlash I’d surely receive from Rue. Matter settled, Rue settled in next to me, inching her arm around my waist and finding a comfortable spot for her head in the inside corner of my shoulder. Sighing contentedly, she said, “I’m so glad that we’re getting along. I won’t tell about Peter, don’t worry.” She paused. “I wonder though, since I know that Lily is one of your best friends. Does she…know…about us?”

“Us?” Is there an “us” ? And bringing up Lily again? I stiffened momentarily, before forcing myself to relax. Rubbing my hand up and down her arm, I said as calmly as I could manage despite my renewed annoyance, “Don’t worry about Lily. She’s not in charge of my relationships.”

Rue looked at me with questions in her eyes. “But you’ve always been best friends with her! Have you two had a falling out?” I frowned, not saying anything. Rue sighed, saying, “I’m sorry if she’s not happy about our date. I know that most of the female population of Hogwarts is unhappy about our date. I’m very excited about it, since I’m so glad we’ve gotten to know each other in the last few days. Our last few conversations have just been so perfect. I guess I’m just the lucky one. What do you think?”

She looked up at me, eyes twinkling, pink lips slightly pouted. God, she’s beautiful. In a slightly rough voice, I said, “That makes two of us then.” Rue blinked her great brown eyes, and started to move closer to me. My brain felt like it was filled with cotton as I started to close my eyes in preparation for a kiss.

When our lips were an inch apart, she murmured, “I guess I’m just special.”

My heart contracted swiftly and painfully. Special? I thought again about what that word meant. As much as I liked Rue, the fact that she was so upset about our chess wagers boded ill for the future if I told her about some of my pranks. Yet I didn’t like the idea of having to lie to her for a long period of time. I didn’t like to lie to anyone for any period of time, which was why I had never kept secrets from Lily or the guys beforehand, and was having such difficulties with my feelings for Lily altogether. At that moment, my mind became incredibly clear, and screamed to me that Rue would never be more to me than a good friend. The reasoning still fuzzy, I was able to turn my head aside at the last moment and press my lips to her soft cheekbones instead.

Oh, then the wrongs in my heart fell
And I feel the weighted lies
An the colors mix together to grey

Afterwards, I’m not sure exactly what happened. I think Rue and I sat there for a little while longer, not talking, just sitting quietly. Shortly thereafter, I felt the need to think and gave Rue the excuse of homework before walking her back to the Library as she requested. With a parting hug, she rejoined her friends at the table, and I slipped out of the Library, pulling my Cloak out from under my robes and putting it on as I walked behind a statue.

My thoughts whirled for a while, centering loosely on Lily and Rue, and the differences between them. The one conclusion stuck in my head that Lily had laughed good-naturedly at many of our pranks, rolling her eyes about how she’d have to cover up for us. My mind imagined Rue tapping her foot in frustration as we played around like little boys. Around Rue, I always felt like I had to be the charming one, a proper Prince of Hogwarts as I had occasionally been dubbed by teasing friends. I felt constricted in my actions, whereas with Lily, I felt challenged to new heights of creativity and thinking outside of the box. Rue, it seemed to me, wanted the perfect situation – the one who was good at everything and could be charming, help her with homework, and escort her around school at her whim. I wasn’t sure if I could deal with that.

To stay the way I am today is certainement disaster
She can tell a fairy tale – it’s happily ever after
Just relax and greener grass will grow here for a change
Maybe then we’ll last a million years or more

Cursing for a moment the wiles of women and their control over guys such as myself, I realized that while Rue and I would have fun in Hogsmeade, it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as a normal trip with Lily. This special date with Rue wouldn’t make me nearly as happy as sneaking off for a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks with Lily and the boys. I guess she just wasn’t as special as Lily.

The more I thought about it, the stupider I felt. The guys had been frustrated that Lily and I were still having our argument. Pete was right – I was unhappy, Lily was unhappy, and we needed to fix it. Hoping that Lily would be willing to talk to me, even if I just wanted to apologize, I set out toward . I found her before I had gone more than a few corridors, however. As I passed the Transfiguration classroom, I heard a familiar voice call out from in front me. “Lily! Hold up a moment!”

Rita Skeeter came into view, walking past me briskly. I moved out of the way so as not to hit her as her bag swished from side to side. I turned around, still hidden by the Cloak, and saw Lily standing off to one side, eyebrow raised mockingly as Rita approached. I walked up to the two, feeling not the slightest bit nosy. Lily knew about the Cloak and the dangers of my snooping, and Rita deserved no such privacy. As Rita caught her breath, I looked at Lily candidly. Her eyes were somewhat dull and red-rimmed, as if from crying. Her hair was pulled simply behind her head, without ornamentation or style, but simply functional. Her arms were full, as was usual of late, with textbooks for more advanced classes than we were taking, and her bag was bulging, promising to contain more tomes within as well.

Quill again being twirled carelessly between her fingers, Rita looked at Lily with eyes which were intended to look sympathetic but came out looking slightly mocking. “Oh you poor dear!” she began, voice sweet with concern. “How are you handling it?”

“How am I handling what, Skeeter?” Lily said, with boredom evident in her voice. She looked as if she had better places to be than talking to Rita, and was anxious to get there.

Rita’s eyes glittered with hidden malice. “Why, about James Potter and Rhuanned Parry, of course. They’re dating. I’ve just seen them walking around the corridors, arm in arm.” She placed a hand on Lily’s arm, which Lily promptly shook off. At Lily’s slightly shocked face, Rita continued, “Oh, you didn’t know? I’m so sorry. I thought everyone knew.”

Lily looked as if she had been stung, her green eyes piercing through a spot to the right of Rita, where I just happened to be. Though she wasn’t staring right at me, I could feel the waves of anger rolling off of Lily, probably both at Rita and myself, and I gulped silently.

I somehow doubt
We’ll ever be the same
there’s too much poison
And confusion on your face

Well, so much for my wanting to apologize. Grimacing, I could feel my hands itching to wrap themselves once more around Rita’s slender neck and tightening until Rita’s malicious words would keep themselves from reaching her treacherous tongue. For the second time since classes had begun, I felt a murderous feeling surge through me for someone other than Snape, and it was again at this woman who seemed to live off of everyone else’s misery and thrived off making sport of misfortunes.

Lily stalked off briskly toward without so much as a goodbye to Rita, mouth set in so thin of a line that you could hardly make it out. Before I followed, however, I looked back at Rita, who watched Lily go with glowing eyes, chuckling softly.

~~~~~~

On my trip back to the Tower, I had to detour around a group of Slytherin students coming down the hall together, slipping into a side corridor before the first 4th Year could bump into me. Breathing out my air in relief, I was startled to see Dumbledore walking up the corridor slowly. As he passed me, he said quietly, “Taken to midnight walks in the middle of the day now, James? Surely you have someone to confide in if your thoughts are this muddled all of the time?”

Looking to see that the group of students was still in the crossways, I didn’t reply, but shrugged instead, looking slightly helpless. The Headmaster nodded, saying softly, “Go back to the Tower. Talk to your friends. At least then you’ll have other opinions than the voices in your head, hm? Though they do give good advice sometimes.” He chuckled to himself, walking back down the corridor he came. Seeing that the hall was now cleared of Slytherins, I shook my head again at the Headmaster’s unique nature, as I continued back to the dorm.

I had no other real distractions as I walked, letting my thoughts wander from topic to topic without any real pattern. At one point, I detachedly watched Peeves painting mustaches on all of the paintings on an upper floor. As I heard their protests and his answering cackles, the thought bubbled up about what Filch would do to Peeves this time. I only hoped that the caretaker wouldn’t pin the job on me or my friends, and hoped that perhaps Dumbledore would cover for us if the need arose.

As I approached the Fat Lady, a group of students were filing in, and I just went in behind them, ambling over to where the guys were sitting. Lily had joined them, it seemed, though she wasn’t talking. The three guys seemed to be talking softly among themselves, and I decided to go over and listen in on their conversation. With the Cloak on, it might be easier to see what some of the real feelings are going on in the group when I wasn’t around, and it might give me some of their candid opinions on me as well as some other issues. I bitterly reflected on the thought that it would be the only way that I would really understand what Lily was feeling, and was certainly the only way I’d hear what Lily had to say. The ethics of the Cloak never came into my mind, since all of my friends had used the Cloak for their own purposes, and knew the uses for such a tool. I walked over to the fireplace carefully, telling myself that whatever I heard, I wouldn’t make a rash decision.

My walking up seemed to trigger Lily to speech. She lifted her head from her hands, eyes red but blazing, causing all three guys (and myself, invisibly) to cower slightly in the face of her anger. Voice hard, she asked, “What exactly is this nonsense I hear about James and Rue Parry?”

The guys looked at her with wide eyes, a little taken aback. Remus looked like a fish out of water, opening and closing his mouth without success of making a coherent statement. Peter just looked scared, with eyes as round as saucers as he sat mute. Sirius looked grim, as if he were expecting the question, but all the same looked as if he preferred not being the one to answer.

Seeing the desired effect achieved, with their attention now completely on her, Lily softened a bit. “Look,” she said, tiredly, “Rita came up to me talking about how James and Rue were getting buddy buddy and dating now. I just want someone to either confirm or deny it. Rita’s such a gossip, and I just need the truth.”

To my surprise, it was Peter who spoke up. “They’re not dating,” he said quietly. “Just going to Hogsmeade together. She asked him in the Library.”

She nodded her thanks and ran her fingers through her hair. Remus took this time to begin, coaxingly, “Lily, James came and talked to us today. We’re all a little worried about you, and we hope that if you’re having any difficulties, you’ll come to one of us. We’re only here to help.” The other guys nodded, and I trained my eyes on Lily to see how she would react to this plea from the guys. It was, after all, almost the same plea that I had made a few days ago.

Lily took a deep breath before saying tightly, “I know that James worries about me. He thinks I’m 5. But I can handle myself.” Putting up her hand to stop Sirius from saying anything, likely in my defense, she said, “No, I don’t want to hear it. I’m not going to go talk to him. He’s just going to treat me like his wayward charge. I can’t take being told what’s best for me. It’s not like he knows what’s best for himself anyway.” She stood up, walking toward the stairs. I could hear, above the din of the other students, her quietly derisive, “Huh…Rue Parry,” which she followed with a snort.

Looking back at my three mates, I saw that they finally understood the severity of the rift between Lily and myself. Noticing this, I found myself feeling angry at Lily for making them unhappy, since now our group friendship would be strained. And damn that Rita Skeeter for getting to us. Following my friends up to the dorm, looks of disbelief and shock still evident on their faces, I made my presence known to them by slamming the door behind me.

Sirius looked up quickly as I pulled the hood down, feeling anger at Rita for bringing this on us all at once, frustration at Lily for not giving me the opportunity to set things right, and overall weariness of this whole situation.

The last thing I heard before I placed the silencing charm around my bed was Sirius’s cursing, followed by, “James? God don’t tell me you heard that.” I felt lost again. I’d realized that Rue could never be anything more than a friend because she couldn’t compare to Lily, but Lily had brushed me off because I cared for her. Perversely, I decided to myself that here was the reason I didn’t play chess. It seemed that nothing I was doing seemed to be the right move.

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I am dead on the surface
But I’m screaming underneath

~~~~~~

A/N: I get a feeling that this chapter has a slightly different tone than some of the previous ones. Let me know what you think. I’m interested in whether you find that my characters are realistic, and whether there’s anything that you find missing. Comments make my writing better, and I enjoy the critiques.

Music this chapter was brought to you by The Underwater, with their song “Chameleon” from their Bleed Me Blue EP; Dave Matthews, with “Grey Street” from his Busted Stuff LP; Guster, with “All The Way Up to Heaven” from their Lost and Gone Forever LP; Goo Goo Dolls with “Hate This Place” from their Dizzy Up the Girl LP; and our favorites, Coldplay with “Amsterdam” from A Rush of Blood to the Head LP.

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