Outrunning Our Shadows

Disclaimer: All characters (but those I’ve invented) belong to JK Rowling and the respective publishing houses. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made on this story apart from the personal enjoyment I get in writing it.

Outrunning Our Shadows

Spinning in the Grip of Someone

The upcoming stress of the Hogsmeade trip affected the students at Hogwarts in varied ways.  Peter wandered around, practicing conversations in his head, hoping that he wouldn’t offend Doris and, thereby, offend Rue (I had informed Peter in no uncertain terms that he was not to make my date to Hogsmeade an uncomfortable one). Sirius and Remus spent their hours developing marvelous plans to liven up the Halloween Feast. I'm sure I will be surprised.  I didn’t see much of Rue prior to Saturday, since she was spirited away by Samantha Brinkworth and Doris Crockford as soon as I was able to agree to meet her in the Great Hall before we left for Hogsmeade.  As the girls walked away, I heard talk of clothes and shopping, and, being a typical male, I promptly tuned out all further conversation.

 

For myself, the anticipation of Hogsmeade was jumbled and confusing.  On the one hand, I was excited to be able to leave the grounds of the school without worrying about getting caught, and to have company beyond the Marauders.  While the after-hours adventuring was always a temptation, it did well to soothe my nerves when I knew that I wasn’t going to turn a corner and run into Filch.  In our years at Hogwarts, it’s only happened to the four of us (sometimes five, when Lily deigned to tag along) a few times that we were foolish enough to be caught by the caretaker or a wandering professor, but, of the lot of us, I evidently have the longest memory.  Almost every night lately, Sirius and Remus have cajoled and goaded Peter and I into performing some stunt for amusement.  To make things all the worse, Remus would say something to Sirius, who would bring up a sore point in my childhood that I had rather have kept secret, and it would spiral down into a test of whether I was “man enough” to go out and write “Potter & Parry” all over the 3rd Floor East Wing.  After much eye-rolling and punching in the arm, I was able to get out of that one, with the promise of extensive mischief at the Halloween Feast keeping Sirius at bay throughout Hogsmeade.  At least, that’s what he swore to me.  If it’s one thing I’ve learned at school, no matter how stupid Sirius might be in other things, if he pledges something, he’ll stake his life on it.  He doesn’t mess around with oaths and promises.

 

On the other hand, however, I was a little anxious about the idea of spending my day in the company of someone outside of my normal crowd.  Change never came to me too easily, and just as I’d never picture my friends remaining static throughout life, I have always banked on the idea that my friends were to be permanent fixtures in my life, adolescent and adult.  With Lily and my friendship still on the rocks, I felt guilty about moving too quickly away from all that had been constant in my everyday interactions.  I’ve found it a harsh realization that I’m dependent on someone to feel normal in my own skin, and it’s been somewhat like pouring salt on an open wound to discover that it’s Lily that makes me feel like myself.

 

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone

Thinking about Lily, however, never brought resolution to my introspective questions, and so I just resolved to talk to her if I could in Hogsmeade.  Even after Rita had smeared my new relationship with Rue all over the school and had made sure that Lily knew every moment that Rue and I were seen holding hands in intimate detail, I still felt that it was my job to see what Lily felt about the whole thing.  I was staunch about our friendship, no matter if we were in a moratorium of conversation or interaction.  The girl was my best friend, my foil.  The nutmeg in my pumpkin juice.  The Wizarding card to my Chocolate Frog.  Without her, I was just another run of the mill wizard.  When she was around, I felt like there was more to me than I had thought about – the possibilities were endless.  Even though Rue was great, and she affected me in significant ways (including several daydreams in the middle of Transfiguration, which resulted in sharp words from McGonagall), she just wasn’t the same.  Lying in bed, I almost felt selfish for wanting both girls in my life, as if one wasn’t enough.

 

Almost.  Missing Lily was like a dull ache in my chest.   In the lulls in conversation or class, fantasies of what Lily would say in that situation popped into my head, and no amount of foolishness by the guys could quite cover up the void.  After her venomous reaction to Peter’s inviting Doris to Hogsmeade as penitence for a lost game of chess, I knew that Rue would never be able to fit in any of the ways that Lily did: confidante, sister, sounding board, mischief mastermind.  I understood that Rue would be important to me, and I welcomed the chance to discover something new in someone else and possibly in myself, but something just didn’t fit without Lily.  A growing need to mend the breach between us caused me to agonize about the opportunities to remedy the situation in the immediate future, and so I mentally prepared for a severely humbling experience to take place as soon as a free moment arose.  I had realized that, for Lily, I would grovel.  After all, my dad went through many challenges and jumped through numerous hoops to convince my mother that he cared for her.  Lily deserved nothing less.

 

Lily, oddly enough, began to have conversations with herself in advance of the Hogsmeade weekend that included copious amounts of snorting and head shaking.  Once, I was able to catch the tail end of one such monologue.  Coming out of the Portrait as I walked in, she was mumbling to herself as was becoming commonplace.  When I heard her bark out, “That’s what he needs…another loyal fan of his Quidditch success…” it was all I could do not to meet her eyes and ask for an explanation.  If I hadn’t known Lily better, I would have guessed that she was jealous of something, but as it was, I merely figured that the redheaded temper was getting the better of her.  Still, I couldn’t quite stifle a chuckle as I walked toward my dorm.

~~~~~

By the time our group made it to the Three Broomsticks for a drink in the middle of the afternoon, I was about ready to scream.  Any thoughts that today was going to be relaxing had vanished with the first appearance of Rue and Doris.  The former had come up to me a given me a kiss on the cheek, which would have been perfectly acceptable (I do admit that I blushed a little), if the latter hadn’t immediately grabbed my hand and commenced to jerk it up and down in an exaggerated handshake. 

“Oh, James Potter!” she had exclaimed enthusiastically.  “I’ve heard so much about you from Rue, and I was so excited to be meeting you today!” Her light brown hair, styled hurriedly in a barrette on the side of her head, had looked ready to break free of its constraints as she bobbed her head repeatedly.  Behind me, I could hear Remus stifling a chuckle at her actions.  I’d looked at the girl with a mix of astonishment and confusion.  What did she think she was doing?

I’d tried to be genial.  “Hello there, Doris,” I said pleasantly, trying not to grimace as her tightening hold on my hand took on painful proportions.  “I heard that Peter had invited you to Hogsmeade today, and I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.”  I had tried to get my mind off of the loss of circulation which was turning my hand slightly purple.  On my other shoulder, Rue was still leaning into me, grinning sunnily at Doris, but restricting my ability to move out of the way of Doris’s effusiveness.

After several minutes of exclamations of excitement and other such nonsense, we finally were able to leave the Great Hall and head to the carriages.  Doris and Rue had gone on ahead to make sure that they were able to reserve an entire carriage for our group, because Doris had “just oodles of question to ask you, James!”  I had rolled my eyes with Remus and Sirius (Peter had accompanied Doris with a slight grimace) as we walked leisurely out the doors. 

My wry grin had turned into open-mouthed gaping when I saw Rue and Doris signaling us to a carriage with one other occupant: Lily.  I had entered the carriage last, to forestall any harsh comments which might have been thrown my way in private, and sat next to Rue as she reported that Lily ought to have friends to walk around with, and had insisted that Lily spend the day with us.  A grimace in my direction from Lily had informed me that “insisted” was likely on the lighter side of the truth.  Still, as I heard Sirius mutter to her from his seat, “This is your doing, Evans,” I had grinned at Lily’s discomfort.  She deserved to see the fruits of her labors.

As the morning wore on to afternoon, we came to truly understand the cruelty of Peter’s asking Doris to Hogsmeade.  The girl was insufferable!  Even though I had been raised to respect people no matter their background or attitudes, the girl had shown herself numerous times to be without original thought or common sense.  Every offer to go somewhere to do something was followed by a saccharine, “Why, Peter, that’s such a great idea!  Why didn’t I think of it!” Each of these responses was followed by private groans between Marauders and grimaced smiles by Peter.  I had to hand it to the guy – he was taking his punishment with remarkable aplomb, even if his ears acquired a marked tinge of redness whenever Doris commented loudly in public about something which struck her fancy.

Twice, while we were in Zonko’s and Honeyduke’s, respectively, Lily had attempted to remove herself from the group by wandering calmly over to a group of Ravenclaws which included Patricia Worthington and Francis Clearwater.  Each time, Remus had gone, just as calmly, to drag her back to our group, hand securely fastened to her upper arm.  Lily’s scowl, though fierce, was no match for the desire of the four Marauders that she stay and enjoy the afternoon.  After all, if we had to live through it, so did she.

Rue was nearly as bad as Doris, but her antics went unnoticed in the glare of Doris’s tactless commentary.  On High Street and in the Three Broomsticks, I endured the looks of several seemingly jealous Hogwarts girls who were called over to our table so that Rue could preen and gloat.  By the time that we had finished our meal, I felt like a creature on display, with people gawping and commenting on my ability to get food from my plate to my mouth without spilling.

We were sitting in the establishment, waiting for Madam Rosmerta to come around and take our dessert orders, when the opportunity arose for me to escape from the clutches of not only the girl that I had agreed to come with, but also the one who had latched herself devotedly at our ankles in homage.  Not only had I not been able to purchase anything without Doris exclaiming over how cute or practical it was (honestly, as if anyone cared whether I bought a broomstick servicing kit), but I had found myself unable to separate myself from the girl in order to pick up any pranking supplies at Zonko’s.  Her questions were incessant, and her interest in my personal activities was disturbing.  A quick conference with Peter had confirmed that she was a closet fan of me, both in the classroom and on the Pitch.  My head began throbbing when Rue and Doris had began comparing notes in Gladrags Wizardwear, and I yearned to get as far away as was physically possible.  So when Lily had used the excuse to go to the girl’s restroom to go to the counter and converse with Francis, I quickly excused myself by the same method.  Not being able to follow me, Doris had sighed, Rue had pouted, and Peter, Sirius and Remus had given me envious looks at not having thought of the idea first.

Walking quickly to the wall that separated the eating section from the bathrooms corridor, I let out my air in a loud sigh and began hitting my head against the wall in futile frustration.  After a few moments of quiet, in which my ears stopped ringing and I began to feel less like a caged animal.  I peered around the partition to spy on my table.  Too busy agonizing over my inevitable return to the severely disagreeable situation, I didn’t notice the person behind me until she said, “I’m sorry, if that’s any consolation.”

I spun around quickly to face Lily, who was leaning up against the wall near me, a grimace on her face.  I puzzled over the reason for her apology, and the look must have been plain on my face even in the darkness of the corridor, because she quickly added, “If I’d had known she would be such a horrible conversationalist and Hogsmeade partner, I would never have forced Peter to ask her.”  She smiled somewhat wryly.  “I never expected to put Peter and you guys through such torture.”

Nodding slowly, I turned back to glance at the table in the corner, where the brown-haired Hufflepuff was gesturing widely with her arms in an effort to explain something to the three guys who sat, looking bored to tears.  Not even bothering to look for the blond-haired Hufflepuff who I’d had as my date today, I grinned slyly and said quietly, “Who says we have to suffer?  Pete and the guys seem to be coping well enough.”

A snort answered me.  I looked over my shoulder at Lily, who chuckled as she answered, “Now, Mr. Potter.  Losing some of your Gryffindor bravery, are you?  Too afraid to last the day in the company of such charming young ladies?”

I scoffed, pretending to be offended, inwardly marveling at this startlingly normal exchange between Lily and myself.  “Wait a moment, Miss Evans.  I’m just…passing on the courage to my friends, who seem to have the situation well under control.  My…reentry into the scene would make them seem cowardly, and we can’t have that.”

Lily nodded sagely.  “How noble, Mr. Potter.  I agree.  Shall we then,” she grinned wickedly, “leave them to it?  Exit stage left?”

Left? Not understanding and looking around, I mumbled with some confusion, “I was thinking more along the lines of heading through the tunnels in Honeyduke’s, myself.”

Giggling slightly, and winking at my Muggle ineptitude, Lily tugged me toward the entrance, whispering hurried instructions.  I didn’t understand a single word, and I felt trapped about halfway across the room when I heard, “Oh!  James!” coming from Rue.

Lily quickly walked over to the table, dragging me forcefully, giving me a look which translated roughly to “Hush up and let me handle this.”  Smiling pleasantly to the five seated at the table, she said somewhat hurriedly, “Gryffindor Prefect business.  Terribly important, and we’ll have to go.  I’m sorry to cut the day short, but this just can’t wait.”  And with that, I was only able to wave bemusedly as Lily manhandled me out of the Three Broomsticks.  As I half-ran through the door, I covered my mouth with a hand to keep in the laugh at Rue’s confused look and the half-astonished, half-murderous scowls on the faces of my mates.

Laughing, Lily and I ran to Honeyduke’s candy shop, half-drunk on the delirious realization that we were free – free from Doris’s inane chatter, free from the proprietary comments of Rue, free to do as we pleased without our actions being commented on like Quidditch moves.  We hurried through the little candy shop, giving the owner a quick wave before I pushed open the door to the back room, and we quickly opened the hatch and fell down the stairs to the tunnel below.  I was laughing so hard that my knees collapsed under me, and I fell onto the gritty floor of the tunnel, giggling helplessly.  Lily had more control than I did, and had the forethought to use the wall of the tunnel to lower herself into a sitting position before she too dissolved into burbles of laughter.

After a few moments, I’d recovered enough to control my breathing somewhat, and I took the opportunity to look over at Lily.  It had registered to me that the last few minutes had allowed for more interaction with Lily than had the last few weeks.  As Lily, still gasping for air, wiped her brow with her muddy hand, leaving a streak of dirt above her brow, I felt the load on my heart begin to lighten, and the tunnel seemed to brighten perceptively.  I continued to just look at her, wondering what about her seemed different than before, what made me unable to look away from her, when she lifted her eyes to meet my stare, and I quickly dropped my head to look away from that glowingly green gaze.  I could feel a blush coloring my cheeks as embarrassment filled me.  How stupid am I, to gawk at my best friend.  She must think I’m delusional.

I attempted to make conversation.  Stuttering slightly at my inability to think up anything intelligent to say, I heard myself say, “Hey, Lily.”  I chanced a look back at her, and found her smiling back at me.

“Hey there yourself, James.”  She smiled at me with that fond look that I had missed sorely.  At a loss for words, I stood up and brushed some of the dirt off of my robes before I offered her a hand up. 

When we were both standing, I said lamely, “So…how’ve you been?”

She grimaced slightly.  “I haven’t been exactly cordial to you lately, have I?”  At my raised eyebrow, she let out a sigh.  “I’m sorry I overreacted, James.  It was,” she paused, seemingly searching for the right words, “wrong of me to expect you to be at my beck and call only when I needed you around.”  Another pause, with another deep breath.  “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I abused your friendship and when you tried to set me straight, I said some things which alienated you.”  She looked down for a second, smiled slightly, then looked back up at me with a slight cock to her head.  She looked so adorable with her hair slightly mussed and wild-looking from running, and the mud beginning to cake on her forehead, that my brain was almost too preoccupied to catch her next sentence.  Softly, she said, “I wasn’t just sorry about Doris’s behavior.  I’m sorry about my own.”

I didn’t answer right away as I processed both what I heard and what I felt.  After a moment it all clicked in my head, and I was both elated and horrified.  Lily’s willingness to talk to me about our temporary falling-out and willingness to make up was more than I had hoped for.  I was gob-smacked by her admission and her act of humbling herself to ask for my forgiveness.  My follow-up apology and explanation on the tip of my tongue, I was kept from saying anything by an alarming discovery which bordered on distressing.  I was acting like a lovesick fool in front of my best female friend!  That Lily was attractive was never at issue, as we had teased her when the boys had begun flirting with her in fifth year.  It was my finding her attractive that was startling.  I had never before thought of Lily as anything other than a sister to the four of us, and now I had no idea how to proceed.  My mind blanked but for this glaring revelation and I nodded dumbly.

Time expands and then contracts

When you are spinning in the grip of someone

Who is not an ordinary girl

My breath caught in my throat as I was suddenly enveloped by a slightly muddy, slightly hyper, completely relieved Lily.  A grin found its way to my face as I reveled in this feeling of intense relief.  When I was able to get my own arms around her, we stood like that for a few seconds, trying to see who could out-hug whom.  Then, having won, of course, I loosened up on Lily so she could shake out her squished appendages.  I chuckled briefly at her grimace before we started walking back to school through the tunnel.  All seemed right with the world.

“So,” Lily drawled.  “Rue Parry, huh?”  Her voice betrayed no emotions, and when I looked at her, I could see her facing the wall, away from me.

Not seeing her line of thought and feeling rather stupid, I answered plainly, “Yep.”  We walked for another minute in silence, my head unable to ponder anything past the fact that Lily was standing next to me and wasn’t yelling at me.

I didn’t notice that Lily had slowed down until I was a good three meters in front of her.  Her soft voice carried in the dark tunnel.  “Do you really like her, James?”  Her hands at her sides, Lily was looking at me with an expression of having been left out, either voluntarily or forcedly.  I was reminded that, for a girl who was usually so up to date on my life that she was a few steps ahead of me, Lily must have felt so behind and excluded.  The realization made me grimace.

I answered briefly and truthfully.  “Yeah, I do, Lil,” I said.  I shrugged, somewhat helplessly.  “When…when we were fighting, she was the only one I could really talk to.”  Lily bowed her head, accepting some of the blame for my reasoning.  Pressing on, I continued, “But she’s not you, Lily.  I missed having you around.”

Lily walked slowly back up to where I was, and looped an arm around my waist.  With her face pressed into my side, and her nose undoubtedly squashed, she said muffled, “I miss being around you too.”

Looking down at her, I remembered something which had disturbed me.  “I don’t think you’re five, you know.”

I could feel her muscles tightening a little as her previous comment registered.  She sighed, lifting her head and putting it on my shoulder instead.  “I know you don’t,” she conceded.  “I know that you’re just worried, just like everyone else.  I just…needed someone to blow up at, and you seemed convenient at the time.”

“Glad to be of service,” I said, chuckling.  “Next time, though,” I admonished, playfully, “warn me before you plan on severing six years of friendship in one go, alright?”

She snorted, responding as I’d intentioned.  “Sure thing, cap’n.  I’ll be sure to write that into my schedule.” 

“Witch.”

“And bloody proud of it, too, thanks.”

We made our way back to school in this manner, riposting lightly and completely ignoring the situation in which we’d left Remus, Sirius, and Peter. 

~~~~~

Life became largely as it had been before Lily’s parents died.  She rejoined our foursome when we congregated around the fireplace in the Common Room, and helped plan our far-fetched plans for world domination and plans to amuse ourselves in advance of Halloween.  I never attempted to sort out the new emotions which had surfaced in the tunnel under Honeyduke’s, but purposefully treated Lily as a sister, going the extra distance to show that Rue was the only outlet for any romantic feelings.  Developing a crush on your best friend was not on my agenda.  It couldn’t be.  After all, I’d just gotten her back.

After having clearly displayed their annoyance at our leaving them stranded with the Hufflepuff brigade at the Three Broomsticks, Sirius and Remus’s anger dissolved when they saw Lily and I getting along again.  Peter was just glad that Lily wasn’t going to make him go on another date with Doris, and was relieved to have fulfilled his punishment in good faith.  Our sometimes teasing questions about what happened after we left resulted in a flushed face from Peter, and several meaningful growls from the other two.  Lily and I goaded them repeatedly just to laugh ourselves silly at the thought of the three guys held at the mercy of one Doris Crockford.

There were, however, a few differences in my daily life.  In addition to spending time with the Marauders and Lily, I continued to find time to talk with Rue, and spent several hours taking walks in the corridors, since the biting cold outside was more than Rue could handle.  She had graciously forgiven me for my abrupt exit in Hogsmeade without too much of an explanation, and said that she ‘understood.’  Not quite sure what there was to ‘understand,’ I’d taken her words as a dismissal of the topic and had gone on to other conversations.

On one such walk, Rue stopped near the Transfiguration classroom, saying, “James.  Hold up a moment.”

Her voice, the words spoken, my mind snapped to attention.  Looking around, I realized that we were in about the same place where, several days before, I had overheard Rita Skeeter telling Lily about Rue and me.   Hearing Rue say the same words as Rita had to get Lily’s attention, I felt an incredible sense of déjà vu and blinked to try and clear my head.  When I focused on Rue’s face, I saw that she looked troubled, her hands fidgeting on the sides of her robes.  As I tried to put my hands on her arms to calm her down, she shrugged them off with some irritation before looking me straight in the eyes with a determined glint.

“Just let me get this out, alright?” she said, looking somewhat nervous.

Huh?  “Sure, Rue.”

“Look,” she said, blinking deliberately.  “I like you.  A lot.  I hope that we can, you know, continue this relationship.” She paused, looking at me with a shy smile.  I looked back at her somewhat confused by the reasoning for her bringing this up, and it must have shown on my face as she continued, in a much more rapid pace.  “But I know that your relationships with Lily is special, and I don’t want to screw it up.  It’s so nice that you guys are friends and all again, and it’s really great to have someone like that to talk to, and I guess I’m just worried that Lily would think that I’m trying to take her place.”

Wh?  “What are you talking about, Rue?”  I was completely baffled.  “Where is this coming from?  What place?”

“This is what I was afraid of,” she mumbled.  Louder, she continued, “Well, since your mom died, it’s obvious that Lily’s been the most important woman in your life.  I’m not trying to take that spot.  I mean, she’s your best friend and all, right?”  At my slow nod, she smiled slightly, somewhat lop-sidedly.  “Well, of course she is.  It’s not like you’re romantically involved or anything.  After all, she’s been like your sister, for crying out loud.”  Not even seemingly noticing I was there anymore, Rue rubbed her hands over her eyes.  “As I had been so stupid to think that she’d be that to you.”

I laughed nervously, feeling a little guilty about how I’d reacted to Lily in Hogsmeade.  If Rue only knew…bugger, if I only knew…

Rue paused in her little speech to give me a little hug completely unlike the one that Lily had given me in the tunnel.  Where Lily’s was completely comfortable and without any hidden meanings, Rue’s seemed unsure of its welcome and hesitant as to how long to stay there and how hard to squeeze.  To reassure both Rue and myself, I held Rue to me for a few moments, leaning my chin on top of her head.  Sighing, Rue relaxed into my arms.

“There now,” she said softly.  “That’s much better.  No matter how you feel about Lily, I’m going to be here for you no matter what, Mr. Potter.”  Teasingly, she let one of her hands play on my backbone, and I felt the hair on my arms stand up in goose pimples.  “I certainly don’t want to play the sister, James.”

Oooh…my mind started wandering off down very interesting paths as Rue continued her exploration of my back with her hands.  What a proposition.  Unable to think logically, I stood there speechless as Rue gave me a kiss on the cheek and wandered down the hall to her Common Room, my gaze captured by the way her hips gently swung from side to side as she walked.  I let out a low whistle as my head began, finally, to clear.  Muttering to myself as I shook my head, “That girl is utterly intoxicating.”

“Really, Mr. Potter,” came an amused voice behind me.  Turning, I found myself faced with a smirking Lily Evans.  “Please do the rest of us a favor and keep your dirty little thoughts to yourself.”  She smiled briefly without the usual eye-twinkle accompanying the action, but I was still buzzing from my interaction with Rue to think too hard on it.  Lily stood there, hair in a loose braid, arms empty but for a slightly wrinkled piece of now-blank parchment which she folded up and put in the pockets of her robes.  Seeing my deliberate glance at the paper, she nodded, saying, “The guys sent me to look for you.  Evidently they’re unable to come up with any brilliant schemes without your input.”  Then she grinned, eyes laughing this time.  “I saw your dot about on top of Rue’s, and I figured I’d wait to interrupt until I was certain that all hands and clothes were in the proper places.”

I blushed, feeling self-conscious at the insinuation of more intimate contact with Rue and profoundly embarrassed that it was Lily who had found us.  Even as I looked at her, I could feel myself relax from the pressures of the day, and my heart lift.  It was a feeling wholly unlike when Rue was around, where my brain became a fog and I felt as if in a dream.  In Lily’s company, my nerves all seemed to be buzzing and alert, senses heightened and eyes seeing everything with a new clarity and sharpness. 

Marveling at my revelation, I missed Lily’s next comment.  When I turned to give her a look that plainly said, “I am an idiot who wasn’t listening to you,” she just laughed and repeated her invitation to have a go at chess.  After I, somewhat forcedly, reminded her teasingly not to bet on the outcome of the game, since I was more than willing to go on a date with a certain Hufflepuff 6^th year,  we walked in quiet companionship back to the Tower.

I want to live life, and always be true

And I want to live life, and be good to you

And I want to fly, and never come down

And live my life, and have friends around

~~~~~

Rue stopped by our table at lunch on the 26^th of October, plopping herself down in an empty seat near Remus, across from Lily and me.  Not bothering to put down her books or make herself comfortable, she took our greetings and salutations with a quick smile and nod before beginning.  “I have a proposal.”

“Do you,” said Sirius, propping his head on his hands with his elbows on the tables.  Cocking his head with interest, whether feigned or real, he said lightly, “for all of us, or just James?”  At my responding slap on the back of the head, he indignantly justified his question.  “Hey now, Mr. Potter.  Sometimes you have to make sure.  So,” he continued, attention back on Rue, “what do you have in mind?”

“Actually,” Rue said slowly, “it is somewhat for James.  Lily, too, if she’d like to come.”

Remus snorted quietly to himself without looking up.  Sirius’s smile widened into a maniacal grin.  “A threesome, huh?  Can I watch?”

This time, Sirius was the recipient of two slaps, one from me, and one from Peter, who looked disgusted by the mere mention of such an unnatural combination.  Rue just ignored them and said to the two of us, “A friend and I were going to the Library to study this afternoon, and I thought it’d be a good opportunity for me to get to know you, Lily, and for you to get to know me, since I might be around for a while.”  With a somewhat conciliatory air, she concluded, “I just don’t want you to think that I’m stealing James or anything.  He’s a great guy, and I want to make sure his friends approve of me.”

I was wowed.  After what she had told me before, I had never expected this … open of an invitation to friendship from Rue to Lily.  Lily accepted for the both of us as I just blinked in astonishment.  Rue leaned over the table and gave me a quick peck on the cheek before blushing slightly, getting up quickly, and bouncing over to her table.

Later that afternoon, I found myself sitting at a table in the Library, neck deep in textbooks, glaring at Rue’s “friend.”  This friend, as it turned out, was Amos Diggory, Seeker of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.  Owner of a slightly ruddy face, with medium brown hair and slight stubble on his chin, Amos was one of the few “nice guys” that always just come across the wrong way to me.  Sure, I respected his ability to catch a stupid little ball the size of a walnut with wings, but he was never going to be as good as our Aiden Lynch, and he knew it.  Instead, he used his bright smile and ready wit to punch holes in my team’s reliance on the Seeker to win our games for us since our Chasers were incapable of using the Quaffle to its rightful purpose.  Even if he believed in fair play and hard work, Amos was never one to miss an opportunity to bring the Gryffindor Quidditch team, myself in particular, down off any imaginary pedestals with reminders of past blunders.  Just looking at him across the wide table, I felt my jaw clench with not-entirely-good sportsmanship.

Lily, Rue, Amos and I were seated at one of the larger tables in the Library, near a window where the afternoon light bathed our work in deceiving cheer and warmth.  Our books covered the whole surface of the table, well, mine and Lily’s, mostly.  Rue had her Herbology book out on her table, and Amos only had his notes from DADA in front of him, but hadn’t turned the page in over an hour.  Instead, he had made conversation with everyone who had passed by us, commenting loudly as to the aptitude of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team in the coming year, and how Gryffindor would be the first to see defeat when the end of November came around.  Sharing a glance complete with requisite eye-roll, Lily and I shook our heads and returned to our work.  My portion of the table was filled with my Charms and Transfiguration notes and texts, with a half-written Potions essay in front of me as my current task.  Lily’s corner was much more neatly arranged, with her unfinished work piled to her left, and the work that she’d gotten to when able to ignore Amos’s chatter stacked on the right, four tomes thick.  I recognized one of the books as the yellowed Herbology archive that she had been looking at with Francis and Patricia in Defense Against the Dark Arts several weeks before.  For a brief moment, an image of a field of five-petaled flowers and a strong gust of wind fluttered across my memory, leftover bits of a recurring dream which had been the cause of nightly disquiet for two weeks. 

Lily looked up and, seeing my glance, said, “Yeah, I have a few books to return to the librarian.  I imagine that Madame Pince would like to have the volumes returned.”  She excused herself and got up, taking two books with her.  As I watched her go, two images invaded my thoughts.  The first, of Lily in DADA, hunched over the book with Francis and Patricia, shutting me out of her life; the second, the wide smile that Lily had given me in the tunnel from Hogsmeade.  Comparing the two, I felt my heart lighten again.   It was such a difference, and I was again thankful to have my friend back with me.

I spent the rest of that study session on a bit of a cloud, the company of both my best friend and my…almost-girlfriend…more than making up for the presence of the fourth at the table, who continued making comments about various topics without many breaks for air.

~~~~~

Bloody Hell.

I woke up with a start a few nights later, bracing myself in the sitting position with my hands behind me as my chest heaved and my breath came in great gasps.  As had become de rigeur of late, a feeling of intense loss suffused me, and the smell of flowers was seared into my mind.  I collapsed back in bed, trying to calm my mind back to a state where sleep was possible, since the darkness of the new moon outside told of the late hour.  As I lay there, however, the dream images stayed firmly in my mind’s eye, instead of sliding away before I could see them clearly.  The one which stayed most prominent was a small, yellow, five-petaled flower which had haunted me repeatedly in my dreams.  Thinking hard, I tried to find a connection between that flower and anything I’d read or seen recently.  Nothing came to mind, since our current section in Herbology consisted of the root structures of the Whomping Willow.

Slamming my head several times into the depths of my pillow also proved fruitless.  Nothing seemed to fit.  Sleep now seeming as elusive as the dream used to be, I contemplated waking up one of the guys or Lily, and spending the night hours in conversation instead of quiet reflection.  The last voices I need to hear tonight are my own.  There is no way I’m giving into my conscience quite yet.

Thinking of Lily brought a realization down on me like a ton of bricks. 

I leapt out of bed and hurriedly ran to the door, not even thinking that I might want to put a shirt overtop my pajama pants.  The words of course of course of course resounding in my skull, I paid no attention to the stairs and almost went careening down three flights, so intent was I on my objective that I forgot to move my feet quick enough.  I bounded up the stairs to the 6^th Year Girls dormitory, half-remembered to open the door quietly, and sprinted to Lily’s bed.  By some unknown providence, I remembered to put a Sound Charm on the curtains so that I wouldn’t wake up her roommates as I shook Lily awake.

“Lily!” I whispered loudly, still mindful of the people around who had the peace of sleep.

“Hmmm?” Lily groaned, sleepily.  Without opening her eyes, she asked, still more than half-asleep, “What’s wrong, James?”

“Wake up, Lily!”  I said a little louder, moving her hair out of her face so that she wouldn’t catch any in her mouth.  She blinked groggily, and, focusing on me finally, bolted straight upright, scaring me slightly.

“James!” she said, bringing her hand to her chest as if scared.  Then, in a softer voice, “What the hell are you doing in here?” Sleep no longer in her eyes, she looked at me accusingly.

I felt a little stupid now.  “I, uh…couldn’t sleep.  I had a question for you.”  Can you say ‘sheepish’?  Well, that was me.

Lily yawned, softened her eyes, and relaxed a little.  “What’s wrong?” she asked again.

I decided, since it was probably 1 o’clock in the morning, to be direct.  “Lily, that book, from the library, what’s the name of that one flower you were looking at?”

She looked at me as if I were nuts.  “…Huh?”  Confusion was etched across her features.

“You know, that day in DADA, that flower you and Francis and Patricia were all looking at.  What is it?”

Lily made a noise, blinked a few times, and said in a much smaller voice, “Oh.  That.”  Looking back up at me, she questioned, “Why, are you thinking of getting something for Rhuanned?” 

Her eyes now wide, I could barely make out the dark green glints in the blackness of the room.  Still, I could feel my head begin to spin, and I felt somewhat dizzy.  Blinking repeatedly, I responded with a, “Unh-hunh…wait, wh?”  Very intelligent, Potter.

“The flower you are asking about.  It’s yellow, right?  With five petals?” 

I nodded, wondering what on earth Rue had to do with any of this.  I just couldn’t sleep.

Lily rubbed her face with both hands tiredly.  “James,” she said, “that flower is called ruta gaveolens.  I won’t bother you with where it grows or what it does.  In France, they call it the herbe de grâce.  It’s rue.”

There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue

for you; and here's some for me: we may call it

herb-grace o' Sundays: O you must wear your rue with

a difference.

I was speechless for a few moments as this sunk in.  My dream came back in flashes: my attempts to sidestep the five-petaled flowers, and my eventual destruction of the lily.  The remembered cold rush of despair filled me again and I could feel my eyes widen in realization.  The feelings of loss…the conflict between one flower and the other... “Oh.  Shit.  Rue.  Of course!  I have to go.  Thanks, Lil.”  I stood up quickly, thoughts racing.

Lily sat up straighter, putting a hand on my arm as I made to leave.  “Is everything ok, James?  Anything I can help you with?”

I looked at her again, horrified by what my mind had been attempting to be telling me.  God, I’m so thick!  I answered her hurriedly as I tried to fix the curtains.  “Yes, yes, everything’s fine.  Goodnight, Lily.”

With that, I high-tailed it out of her dorm and back to mine, where the rest of the night was indeed spent in solitary reflection, complete with countless occurrences of head-on-pillow banging.

~~~~~

The next day, the 29^th, I entered the Great Hall after my afternoon classes, and walked in on what I thought was another of those scenes that the guys and I had put on for Lily when she was feeling down.  Sirius was on the ground, kneeling, one hand pressed to his chest, the other extending a small bouquet of flowers to Lily.  “My dear lady,” he intoned, sounding all self-important as any knight in shining armor would, “please accept these tokens as a show of my undying affection and esteem for you.”

Lily giggled, taking the flowers, and planted a kiss on Sirius’s cheek girlishly before hauling him to his feet.  “Get up here, you ruffian.  You’re embarrassing me.”  In fact, there were few people in the Hall, but I could see a faintly pink tinge on Lily’s cheeks as she turned to face me.  Her eyes lit up, forgetting her discomfiture, and she walked over with a bounce in her step.  “There you are, James!” she greeted, shoving the flowers into my hand.

A familiar scent wreathed me as the little flowers released their pollen from the shove.  Recognizing the flowers from my dream, I looked at Lily with a questioning glance.  “Thanks, Lil,” I said, trying to be funny, batting my eyelashes, “I didn’t know you thought of me that way.”

Lily chuckled.  “No, silly.  I had Sirius go get some rue for me so that you could give it to Rhuanned or something.”  She paused, watching me look at the flowers blankly.  “Those are the flowers you were talking about, right?”

I nodded dumbly.  Why had she gone to that much trouble? Robotically, I walked over towards the Gryffindor table.  Behind me, I heard Lily say, mock-bitterly, “You could say thank you, you know.”

Holding the flowers limply, I set my books down at my normal seat and felt a tap on my shoulder.  Preparing to turn around and give Lily a proper thank-you, the words died in my throat as I saw Rue smiling cheerily at me.  She was wearing her hair down again, with a barrette on either side, and looked so pretty.  Her pink lips pulling into a grin across straight white teeth, she exclaimed, “For me?”

Still focused on her lips, I mumbled something in the affirmative, and surrendered the flowers to her smaller hands.  Her eyes sparkling, she made an “o” of amazement before taking those pouty lips and fixing them to my own for a moment.  My head full of cotton, I barely had time to react to the unexpected sensation before she pulled back, grinning.  “How did you know they were my favorite?”

I smiled gallantly, feeling a little drunk from that kiss.  “Well, your name is Rue, these flowers are rue, I figured that it would fit.  Especially since they’re yellow and all.”  Even without a romantic line, Rue smiled brightly in response to my own grin, and she gave me a quick hug before smelling the flowers deeply and sighing.

“You and Amos,” she said, nose buried in the yellow flowers, “think a lot alike.”

“In what way?” I asked.  I wasn’t too keen about being seen as similar to Amos Diggory, and needed a clarification.

“Oh,” Rue said, brightly.  “Well, Amos likes Lily a lot.  He’s been meaning to ask her to the Halloween Feast for just ages.  See?”  She pointed over to where Sirius and Lily had been moments before.  Now, Amos was standing very close to Lily, whispering in her ear.  Even from this distance, I could see Lily’s cheeks become rosy and flushed.  Suddenly, she turned to face me, and our eyes caught for a moment.  She blinked before I could assess the look in her gaze, and smiled back at Amos, nodding.  Evidently pleased, he kissed her cheek somewhat clumsily, and walked over to the Hufflepuff table quickly.  Looking back at Rue, I could see her smiling at Amos fondly as he gave her a thumbs-up.  “I guess they’re going then.”  Ah, he must have just asked her. 

“How wonderful!” she exclaimed. “That makes three couples!  Now we just need to find the perfect girls for Sirius and Remus.”  She hugged me tighter, the hesitance of our previous embraces seemingly vanished.

Three?  My mind tried to puzzle through her arguments.  Ah, Peter and Doris.  I chuckled to myself.  Ha.  That was over before it even began.

Rue poked my side, bringing me back to the conversation at hand.  “So?” she asked, “what do you think?”

“Hm?” I said, smiling at her.  “Hm, yes.  Where were we?  I spaced out there for a moment, sorry.”  I gave her a puppy-dog look, to which she giggled, wrinkling her nose.

“You,” she said, poking me again in the side, “were going to ask me to the Halloween Feast.  Especially after giving me these gorgeous flowers.”  She smelled them again, smiling.  She then stood on her tiptoes again, and whispered, “Thank you, dear,” before kissing me on the lips for the second time that day.

I wasn’t given a chance to answer.  Instead, I just “hmm”ed into her mouth.  After all.  What was I to say to that?

~~~~~~

A/N: My goal for this chapter was to make it somewhat less … heavy, a little more light-hearted.  How did I do?  I think my only advice for this chapter, after reading it, is to not jump to conclusions about how James is feeling toward Lily or Lily feels toward James.  If you’ve got any doubts, you need to go back and read Someone Who Fits Me Like You Do, because right now, Lily’s feeling something a little different, true, but it’s not romantic interest in James.  In fact, it has very little to do with James at all.  I’ve just given away that whole theme there, *sigh.*  Anyway, I hope you liked it – again, it’s a difference than previous editions.  Me and fluff don’t always mix.

This chapter didn’t have much to do with music.  Jen (crimsonthread) commented that lyric clips only work with the drama parts, and I attempted to keep those at a minimum.  Still, I can’t leave them out completely.  First group is from “Big Yellow Taxi,” most recently sung by Counting Crows on the Hard Candy LP.  Second clip was also from Hard Candy, from the title track.   No chapter would be complete without the next group, and Coldplay contributed nicely to the chapter with “We Never Change,” from the Parachutes LP.  The last part comes from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, IV.v. 

To come, perhaps: the Halloween Feast, some classes, some Quidditch.

Review, won’t you please?