The Diary

Chapter Twenty - The Idea

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

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There's a lot I will never do
Some fantastic, I know it's true
But none as much as my want to be with you

“Some Fantastic” - Barenaked Ladies

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November and December passed by without much fanfare. Emily and Lily re-established their friendship, and the Marauders spent many an hour tucked away in their dormitory, studying to become Animagi. They had followed James' notes diligently but had reached the most difficult step: the mental barrier. The four boys took advantage of the Christmas holidays to practise for days on end.

During a break from one of their sessions, Sirius and James lost a wizard chess tournament to Remus. As the losers of the wager on the outcome of the game, Sirius and James actually had to do their homework early for once. Specifically, before Christmas Day. And so it was that the two found themselves in an empty library on Christmas Eve, grudgingly finishing their Astronomy assignment.

Halfway through one of his essays, James paused in his work. Doing homework on Christmas Eve… Damn you, Remus. His quill began to sketch out a poorly drawn telescope on a piece of scrap parchment. After crossing out the eyesore, he wondered aloud, “Do you think I fancy Evans?”

Sirius put his quill down and looked at James interestedly. “Take that again?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Do I think you fancy Evans… I don't know. Do you?”

James twirled his quill. “I think you do.”

“No, I mean, do you fancy her?”

“Oh,” James replied. “No.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “So why does it matter what I think?”

“I don't want you to think that I do because I don't,” James insisted.

“You fancy Sarah then?”

“What? No,” said James, creasing his eyebrows. “Why does it have to be one or the other?”

“It doesn't,” Sirius said pointedly. “But if you claim you don't fancy Evans, who do you fancy?”

James ran a hand through his hair. “No one.”

“Then why have you been acting so torn-up lately?”

“I-” James stopped to consider this. “OWLs?”

Sirius shook his head. “You're going to do spectacularly, and you know it.”

“Right - not school. Animagi?” Sirius gave a disbelieving smirk and James smiled back. “No, we're fine there.” James tapped his quill on the table. “So who do you fancy?”

“Me? No one,” Sirius replied simply.

“So we're in the same boat,” said James with a hint of satisfaction.

Sirius shook his head. “No, we're not.”

“You think I fancy Evans!”

“I never said that.”

“Oh, forget it.”

James went back to his essay on Jupiter's moons. After trying to write the same sentence three times, he slammed his quill down.

“Why do you think that?”

Sirius gave him an incredulous look. “Let's examine the evidence, shall we?” He ticked off his fingers as he listed his points. “You stare at her - constantly. You talk about her - constantly. You act like a fool - more so than usual - whenever she's around. Need I go on?”

James sat there, stunned. He couldn't fancy Evans. He just… couldn't. “Well, when you put it like that…” said James rather lamely. Sirius quirked an eyebrow. “I don't!” he insisted.

Even if Roscoe and Lily were friends, James couldn't like Evans because Potter and Evans loathed each other; everyone knew that. But Sirius had a point. His behaviour had been… peculiar.

“Do you reckon she thinks I fancy her?” he asked, feigning nonchalance.

“I reckon she thinks you're trying to mess with her head.”

James flipped his quill between his fingers. “Should I ask her out? You know, just to keep her thinking that. Might be a laugh.”

Sirius leaned back over his essay. “Go ahead. Because you don't fancy her.”

“Right,” James said with a tone of finality. He started writing again, but his mind kept wandering. Should he ask Evans out? If he did, would she yell? Would she curse him?

Would she say yes?

She had gone out with Mackavoy, and now seemed much more open to the idea. It could happen, he speculated. But what if she did agree? What would he do then?

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“Wake up!”

James groaned, covering his head with his pillow to block out Peter's ecstatic cheering.

“It's Christmas! Presents!”

After a deep breath, James removed the sound barrier and slowly sat up. “Time is it?” he asked groggily.

“Six!” a cheery voice responded.

James rubbed his eyes and reached for his glasses. A large stack of presents lay at the foot of his bed.

“Bugger off, Peter,” Sirius muttered from the bed to James' right. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

James grinned. “Up and at `em, Sirius. Peter's got a point; there aren't any presents for you, of course, but there are plenty for me. If you hurry, I'll even let you open one of mine.”

Sirius grumbled an unintelligible response while James reached for the topmost gift. He ripped the paper off to find Practical Defensive Magic and Its Use Against the Dark Arts.

“Thanks, Peter!” he said. “Fantastic choice!”

“No problem!” Peter replied eagerly.

James began to tear through the pile, pausing to read a lengthy letter from his parents.

“Oi! Look what Remus's got!” Sirius called out as he hurried across the room. Remus was trying to stuff the object in question back into its packaging, but Sirius snatched it out of his hands. “My, my, Remus, I didn't know you were that type of bloke.”

Remus turned a faint pink but remained seated. “James, your wit knows no bounds,” he said resignedly.

Sirius flipped the poster around and displayed it. Peter gasped at the sight of the nearly nude woman. She winked at Peter and licked her lips suggestively, eliciting a gurgled cry from Peter.

James and Sirius quickly fell into hysterics. “Brilliant, James!”

“Thank you,” James replied, tipping an imaginary hat at them.

Remus finally managed to steal the poster back and things quieted down again. The boys finished off their remaining gifts, occasionally yelling their gratitude at each other.

James finally got down to the last box. He removed the wrapping and peered into the box, only to find his own face staring back at him.

“A mirror?” he asked as he lifted it out of the packaging. “Erm, thanks, Sirius.”

“Finally gotten to mine, have you?” Sirius bounded over, happily humming a Christmas tune.

“Is it supposed to do something?”

“Say my name.”

James gave him a confused look and said, “Sirius Black.”

“No, no, into the mirror,” Sirius replied excitedly.

James complied and watched with fascination as his own image was replaced by that of Sirius'. A quick glance to the side showed Sirius holding a mirror of his own.

“What do you think?” mirror-Sirius asked.

“These are wicked!”

Sirius beamed. “Why spend detention needlessly alone and bored when you can chat with the Sirius Black?”

James tucked the mirror back into the box. “Do Remus and Peter have them as well?”

“Nah, it only came in sets of two.” James nodded. “So what did you get me? There wasn't anything in the pile.”

“Yeah, I know,” James said carefully. “I couldn't think of a way to put this in a box.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I talked to my parents, and they said you could… you know, come stay with us this summer. If you want to, I mean. If you don't, I'll buy you something in Hogsmeade or-” James cut himself off and hesitantly looked at Sirius.

“Really?”

“Er, yeah.”

“Are you kidding James?” Sirius jumped up onto the bed. “This is the best Christmas ever!”

James breathed a sigh of relief. “I'll take that as a yes.”

“I can't wait to tell that hag of a woman I'm leaving!” He hopped off the bed, pulled James up and hugged him. “You have my eternal gratitude, James Potter.”

“Are we allowed to join in on this saccharine moment?” asked Remus.

“I'm leaving! No more bloody house-elves!” Sirius said, releasing James and moving to embrace Remus.

“I suppose you're too busy for my gift,” said Remus mockingly. He allowed himself to be hugged but left his arms at his sides.

“I certainly hope you aren't going to give Sirius the same thing I did - that would be awkward,” commented James.

Remus smirked. “As amusing as that might be, I had something a little more… immediate in mind.”

“Ooh, what is it?” Peter asked, tearing himself away from his own stack of opened gifts.

“I'll show you after breakfast.”

With that teasing comment in mind, the four boys hurriedly threw on some clothes and rushed down to the Great Hall. They pestered Remus thoroughly, but he refused to give any more hints. Finally, after Remus finished his meal at an agonizingly slow pace, he led the group up to the third floor.

“Ta-da,” he said dryly, gesturing to a statue of a one-eyed witch.

“Congratulations, Remus, you've found a woman uglier than Sirius' mum,” remarked James.

“It's true,” agreed Sirius. “I didn't think it was possible, but…”

“You judge too quickly,” said Remus. “She may be ugly, but she's one of our best friends. Watch.” He took a step back and declared, “Dissendium.”

The others watching in amazement as the statue's hump cracked open to reveal a dark tunnel.

“Brilliant!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Where does it go?” asked Peter.

Remus gestured to the hole. “Hogsmeade. Honeydukes, to be precise. I present to you yet another secret passage out of the school. Happy Christmas.”

Peter's mouth hung open. “How'd you find it?”

“That's my little secret,” said Remus, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

“What are we waiting for?” asked James. “Into the village!”

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Several hours later, the four Gryffindors re-emerged from the one-eyed witch, two of them quite sloshed.

“That- that was a bloody good time,” said James.

“Right you are, mate!” Sirius clung to Remus' shirt. “I told you I could drink more than you.”

“Liar! I so won!”

Remus sighed and muttered “Where's the Cloak when you need it?”

Peter and Remus carefully helped their inebriated friends up four stories and into their dormitory. Remus confiscated their wands and Peter locked the door before they headed off in search of a Sobering Draught or two. It wouldn't do for the professors to wonder how the Marauders had illegally obtained alcohol.

Once their friends' footsteps trailed off, James collapsed onto the floor.

“It's so red. I don't understand how it can be that… red…” James smiled blissfully. “And her eyes are so green. You'd think they'd be white or something, but they're green. I love Lily's eyes.” He snickered. “Lily. Lily-love. Lilykins. She doesn't like to be called that, you know. Hates it.”

“Why don't you just ask her out already?” Sirius fell down next to James and pushed his hair out of his eyes.

“She'd kill me if she knew,” James replied seriously.

“Knew what?”

James took a brief moment to think about that. “I forget. But it was something important, believe me you. You me. Me you…”

“Oh, like about the Manigi- Namagi- animal thing?”

“Oh!” James paused. “No, I don't think so.”

Sirius rolled over onto his side. “It's gonna be great when we can turn into animals, you know? Bloody fantastic of us to've thought of it.”

“Yeah, but it feels like we've been practising for ages,” said James, drawing out the last word. “We practise ten times a week!”

Sirius gave him a puzzled look. “That doesn't make sense. There aren't ten days in a week; there are… six? No, seven. Wait. Yes, seven.”

“Know what we sh'do while we're waiting for them?” James flipped onto his side as well. “Practise.”

“That sounds like an absolutely smashing idea, James. Then he'll come back and… and be astounded by our brilliance!”

“Exactly!”

“Okay. So we just… concentrate.”

“Right.”

James dragged himself a few steps away from Sirius before falling onto his back. He began to snigger softly.

“Shh! We have to be quiet!” Sirius loosely gestured with his arm.

They'd been practising this for months, but had yet to achieve the transformation. It had been a lot of stupid mind exercises, James mused, but supposedly it took an immense amount of repetition to clear your mind and… something that he knew at one point, but was eluding him at the moment.

Elude. That started with an E. So did Evans. Evans was pretty. James liked pretty.

Okay. Animagus. Concentrating. The entire procedure was very confusing and vague. James let all thought seep out of his head and focused on his inner… whatever.

And before James could acknowledge a change, everything made sense. This wasn't very difficult at all. He let go of his humanity and willed with every fibre of his being to change into his other self.

Out of the blue, every sense went into overdrive as he felt something wrap itself around him. A warm, soothing tingle shivered through his body, and the sensation faded as rapidly as it had appeared.

That felt nice. He opened his eyes. Everything seemed to be farther away. He took a step forward. Clunk. He looked down.

Hooves. He had hooves.

“Oh Merlin!” Every syllable was crystal clear. “James, you did it!” James. He was James. I'm a wizard. Right. Magic and all that. Magic like… He checked his legs again. Like an Animagus! He'd transformed! James swelled with pride.

“That's bloody amazing,” Sirius breathed.

James wanted to ask what he looked like, but it came out as a grunt. Animal. No talking. Things I should know. He walked over to Sirius, his hooves thudding loudly.

Sirius tentatively reached out a hand and stroked James' side. “I can't believe you actually did it. Wait'll Remus sees!” He removed his hand and leaned against the bedpost.

James snorted in what he hoped was an indignant manner; it was hard to tell. Although his senses were heightened, his mind felt sluggish. He chuckled to himself. Sluggish. Like Slughorn. If he were able to speak, he'd tell Sirius his joke. In fact, James needed to share it with Sirius, to make him laugh. But to do so, he'd need to transform back.

To change back, he'd have to…

Damn.

Months of studying, and he couldn't even remember how to change back.

James heard footsteps approached the door. One muttered spell later, the door opened.

“Bloody hell!” Remus stood frozen in the doorway, two potions in his hands.

Peter peeked out from behind Remus. “What's going on- oh!”

“Is that- is that James?”

Sirius grinned. “That it is, Remus.” He tilted himself forward as he spoke, nearly losing his balance.

Sirius' near fall snapped Remus out of his trance. He crossed the room and handed one of the vials to Sirius. “You'd better appreciate this, Black. They weren't easy to obtain, and I could always have let you go to the Feast drunk.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sirius downed the puce-coloured liquid and shuddered. “I'd like to remind you, Remus, that you were the one who took us into the village, so it's clearly your fault.”

“My fault?” Remus asked sceptically. “I didn't force the Firewhiskey down your throats.”

James followed the conversation, but it seemed to be taking place miles away. He snorted through his elongated nose, drawing Remus' attention.

Remus eyed James contemplatively and tapped his chin. “This would be easier if you'd change back, James. It's just a suggestion, of course, but I've no idea how to feed a stag.”

The words registered in James' mind, but he still couldn't recall how to transform.

“James?” Sirius asked, concern etched into his features.

Peter, who had moved to James' side during the discussion, spoke up. “I think he's stuck.”

Sirius gave a bark of laughter. Remus rolled his eyes and pulled out his wand. “I still can't fathom how you did this drunk,” he said with a disbelieving shake of his head. A blue-white light shot out of his wand. James felt the magic engulf him and opened his eyes.

His friends looked at him expectantly and were surprised when James started to giggle. It started out very quietly but quickly grew into sharp peals of laughter. “Did you see me?” he cried. “I had hooves! Hooves, Peter!”

Remus handed him the remaining potion. “Drink.”

James obliged him and immediately stopped laughing. Even sobered, he couldn't keep an enormous grin off his face. “That was- I- Yes!” James leapt up and cheered. “When's the next full moon?”

“In two weeks,” said Remus reluctantly. “But can you do it again?”

James bristled. “Of course I can!”

“Fantastic. Then you won't mind helping out Peter,” said Sirius, throwing his arm around Peter's shoulders.

“Not you?” James asked.

“If James can do it, so can I,” Sirius replied simply. “And I won't have to be drunk, either.”

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That evening, an exhausted yet giddy James lay down on his bed. He'd been too tired to attempt to transform again; Sirius had tried to copy James' feat, but to no avail.

James had gotten so caught up in his day, he'd forgotten entirely about Evans. In fact, he couldn't remember even thinking about her at any point in the day. That was unusual, especially considering he'd bought a little something for her.

Happy Christmas, Roscoe!

And to you, Lily. Any interesting gifts?

He smirked.

The usual: books, sweets and the like. Although I did receive one present from an anonymous sender.

Do tell.

It was this gorgeous necklace. A silver chain with a tiny emerald stone pendant.

Sounds lovely.

It is. I'm not one for jewellery most of the time, but I am in love with this necklace.

James resisted the urge to cry out. She liked it! He'd seen it in an owl-order catalogue and had known it was meant for Evans; the jewel was the exact same colour as her eyes.

It's not cursed, is it? Not some prank gift?

Emily and I tested it, and nothing unusual happened. She thinks I have a secret admirer. Knowing her, she had someone in mind, but I doubt she'd tell me.

Do you have any idea who sent it?

Not really. The male population seems to have backed off a bit this year, thankfully, but that also means no specific person comes to mind.

Are you planning on investigating?

I'd like to, but I don't think there's a way to track it.

I suppose a better question might be: Does it even matter?

In some aspects, it does. I'd like to thank him properly, for one thing.

James smiled.

And it'll bother me, knowing I'm wearing something from a stranger.

But it's probably not from a stranger. It's probably from someone you know.

That's true. Still, I'd feel better if I knew who'd sent it.

So you won't wear it until you know? That might never happen.

I haven't made up my mind.

If my opinion counts for anything, I think you should wear it.

Why's that?

Because someone obviously wanted you to enjoy it, but felt he had to conceal his identity for a reason. He went through all that effort - why not make him happy?

I suppose.

And didn't you just say you really liked it?

I did, didn't I? You make a compelling argument.

James couldn't help but laugh ever so quietly.

For me to wear a necklace, that is. Bravo.

I try my best. It's not easy being me.

Is that so?

Oh yes. Having to convince teenage girls to wear nice things. Horrid, really. Absolute nightmare.

I can imagine. And do they expect you to help them with their problems as well?

As a matter of fact, they do!

The horrors!

I know! It's a miracle that I'm alive at all.

You're not alive.

There you go again, always playing the pessimist.

My deepest apologies.

I'll reluctantly forgive you.

Huzzah!

And you berate me for overusing that word.

Shut it.

Can't - I don't have a mouth, remember?

I'm leaving.

No, you're not.

Fine. I'll stay.

Huzzah!