The Diary

Chapter Twenty-two - The Point

Disclaimer: Six months I've been at this, and this disclaimer hasn't changed in all that time. I still don't own the rights to the series.

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What if I said what I was thinking

What if that says too much

When everybody's got a reason

I feel like giving up

“Find Your Way Back To Me” - Michelle Branch

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A few days later, James sat in Arithmancy, bored out of his mind. Not only could he not stand the class, he knew Professor Wayter didn't like him. There weren't specific instances that came to mind to prove it, but rather a general sensation that everything Wayter said to him was laced with internal disapproval. In fact, James would have dropped the class ages ago except for the fact that Sirius, for whatever reason, wanted to take it. Whenever James would ask him about it, Sirius would merely brush the question off, saying something along the lines of how it was a soft option and why was James complaining about that? Admittedly, it was a better choice than Divination, but James was still looking forward to Arithmancy-free weeks his sixth year.

The only benefit James saw to the class was that Evans was also taking it. In previous years, that had meant he could torment her without Emily's overbearing presence. Not that that had ever stopped James, but it sure had made things easier when she wasn't around.

Now, though, James had run into the unfortunate problem of forgetting things. The night he'd meant to ask Evans about himself, he had gotten distracted with advising her. And he couldn't very well ask her now; such matters had to be handled in a very specific manner. Roscoe had to be careful not to show that he was searching for a specific incident, and he couldn't ask her if something interesting had happened over the past few days.

He already knew she'd resolved things with Linda - they'd been happily chatting at breakfast - but he cursed Linda for diverting his attention. Although the enquiry problem wasn't difficult to overcome, it still annoyed James. He wanted to know what Evans thought about his proposition. Was that really how she felt, what he'd seen in the corridor? There had to be more to it.

In order to investigate the issue, he decided he needed to repeat his offer. After all, Wayter's lectures were the perfect time to send a note to the person in front of him.

He scribbled his message on a scrap of parchment and caught Sirius' eye. His friend gave him an inquisitive look and James showed him the note. Sirius grinned. He'd been in a much better mood since the previous night.

Sirius, frustrated by his lack of success in transforming, had taken James' advice and had drunk some of the leftover Firewhiskey. He'd taken just enough to dull his senses, and it had helped immensely. Sirius was now able to turn into a large, shaggy dog.

James had teased him a bit about his form, but they were both too happy to have become Animagi to really put much effort into the debate. At any rate, the two were amiable again.

After a quick check that Wayter wasn't watching, James flicked the folded parchment at Evans' head.

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As soon as Potter had taken the seat behind her, Lily's back had stiffened. She'd hoped he would take a different seat, but lucky her, Potter sat behind her. He'd been absolutely maddening the other day, asking her on a date of all things! It was obviously a continuation of that stupid birthday prank he'd pulled last year. Well, Lily was not going to get upset. She would ignore him; after all, it had worked last time, hadn't it? As soon as she'd left them alone, they'd stopped tormenting her.

But the question then became why had Potter started up again? Just when she'd thought that she would never have to worry about them again, Potter had asked her out. His new torment, perhaps?

She was startled out of her thoughts when something connected with the back of her skull. What she assumed was a piece of parchment fell behind her and onto the edge of her chair.

Don't read it, Lily. Ignore him. Lily continued taking notes on the problem, which was quite difficult. It was very tempting to read whatever drivel Potter had written.

But what if it wasn't from Potter? What if it was from someone else?

Finally, she relented. Lily discreetly reached her hand around and unfolded the parchment under her desk. Thankfully, the Ravenclaw next to her pretended not to notice.

Evans - Hogsmeade on Valentine's Day? Throw this note back if yes. -J. Potter

Lily squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to take a deep breath. She would not let him get to her. She instead smoothed the paper out and slipped it into her bag. Ideally, she would have burned it on the spot, but Professor Wayter might have objected to that. Lily smiled at the image of a small fire on her desk. Then she imagined throwing the flaming parchment at Potter.

The abrupt noises of chairs scratching against the stone floor broke Lily out of her daydream. She hastily packed up and rushed out the door.

He's going to follow me, I just know it!

Sure enough, Lily had barely taken five steps away from the classroom when Potter called out, “Oi, Evans!”

She walked faster and dodged through the crowded hall.

“Out of the way, you!” said Black.

Lily stopped and turned sharply. Knowing Potter and Black, someone was about to get it. Her head turned just in time to see Potter cast a spell Lily was unfamiliar with at the young Hufflepuff. The boy's head began to swell rapidly, expanding until it was nearly twice the normal size.

The boy fearfully grabbed his head, his hands hurriedly examining the now gigantic features. He made as if to scurry away, but Black gestured with his wand that the boy was not to move. The Hufflepuff was too terrified to disobey and froze in place.

Without hesitating, Lily stormed back to stand across from Potter. “What right did you have to do that?”

“Lighten up, Evans,” replied Black, his wand almost lounging in his hand.

“Undo it,” she growled.

James raised his fingers to his chin thoughtfully and smirked at her. “I suppose I could. I would, if you'd go out with me.”

Not again! Lily fumed. “Potter, take it off right now.”

He and Black gave each other one of their smug, superior looks that Lily hated. She idly wondered what Emily would do in her place and began to reach for her wand.

A flash of surprise registered on Potter's face. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted.

“Problem?” Professor Wayter stuck his head out the door. Lily inwardly celebrated. Potter and Black didn't even bother hiding their wands - Wayter was not one of their allies.

He stepped through the door and analysed the scene. The sight of the over-inflated head triggered a grimace from the professor. “Mr Spinks, please escort Mr Aubrey to the Hospital Wing.”

A small, red-haired boy scampered forward and led Aubrey away by the arm.

“Now, Mr Potter and Mr Black,” continued Wayter. “I do believe I warned you about duelling in the corridors. Please join me in my office.”

“Professor, we-” said Black.

Wayter held up a hand to silence Black's objection. “Now,” he said sternly. Potter sighed and pocketed his wand. Black followed suit, and the two reluctantly trailed after the professor, whispering to each other when Wayter wasn't watching.

Lily stood alone in the emptying hallway, her hand still in her robes. Had she really been thinking about hexing them? After all the fuss she'd made about not stooping to their level…

“What happened?”

She turned and spotted Remus approaching. “Weren't you watch… Oh. You weren't in class,” she said, slightly embarrassed.

“No, I had a headache,” he said. Lily noted he did look rather peaky. “I take it I missed something?”

Lily waved her hand toward the end of the corridor. “Potter and Black hexed someone. Wayter caught them,” she said with a hint of venom.

“I see. Well, it happens.”

Lily let out a mirthless laugh. “It happens? It happens because Potter and Black are a pair of idiots! They jinxed some boy because he was in their way? Who does that?”

Remus shrugged noncommittally. “They have their faults.”

“Their faults?” she repeated disbelievingly.

“They're my best friends, Lily.”

She took the hint and dropped it. After a few more empty comments, they parted unceremoniously.

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That night, James climbed into bed with his journal. He was somewhat irked because Wayter had given him and Sirius a detention in two night's time - the same night as the full moon. James had been so excited to get to use his Animagus form, and now he would have to wait another month.

He shoved the thoughts of his demonic Arithmancy professor out of his head as Evans' writing appeared on the page. James needed to focus; he was not going to get distracted. Tonight he would find out what was going on with her.

Good evening.

And to you, Lily.

What's happening in the diary world?

Oh, nothing much. Students complaining. And how are you faring? Valentine's Day is coming up, and I know how the boys flock to you like Thestrals to fresh meat.

That's an interesting and rather morbid comparison.

Like it? I spent all day coming up with it.

Really?

No.

Right…

So have you thought about going on another date on that day you love so dearly?

Not really. I don't like to think about it, but I suppose I have to sooner or later. I'm letting Emily deal with it as much as possible.

That was news to James, but it made sense in a peculiar way.

Apparently she asked Remus if he wanted to go out with me.

James found himself suddenly quite upset with Remus. They were Marauders, and something this big merited sharing. Why hadn't Remus told him?

What did Remus say?

He said he wasn't interested. Turns out he is even more anti-dating than I am, which I didn't think was possible.

Was there no end to the revelations? James had known Remus was averse to the idea, but it seemed he felt very strongly about it. And Remus was not the sort to exaggerate. To be more radical than Evans… Wow.

Why did Emily ask Remus?

That's exactly what I asked him. He said we were getting along, which to Emily meant we should hook up. Which is completely untrue.

Oh?

I'm not attracted to Remus in that way.

James beamed. It would be weird if Evans and Remus started snogging in the common room. Not to mention incredibly awkward.

That's a simple enough reason.

He groaned once he realised he'd gotten sidetracked once again. Focus, James!

Has anyone else asked you?

A couple not worth mentioning.

She did it again. She avoided the issue.

Why not?

I doubt they were serious.

She had to have more to say about James; why wouldn't she tell Roscoe about it? No matter what Roscoe asked, she always refused to discuss it. It wasn't even about James anymore. It went beyond his need to know what she thought about James Potter. She would never give him a clear description of her thoughts about him because Evans had a serious issue with dating, to the point where she wouldn't even talk to her best friends about it.

Ah.

I don't know what to tell Emily about Valentine's Day.

Of course she wouldn't - she had too many (or perhaps too few?) thoughts about it.

He knew what he wanted to say, but not how to go about it. James had a few observations, but was Roscoe allowed to express the same outlook?

Do you want my opinion?

Of course. You've never led me astray before.

James flipped his quill between his fingers. Should he actually tell her what he thought? That was a dangerous move. But why not? he wondered. It's not like she'll stop writing to you. Or would she?

He decided to try it. He could always make up for it later.

I think you should go on a date.

I'm not surprised.

Emily has a point. You need to experience this.

I have experienced it. I didn't like it.

Why not?

I didn't like worrying about everything.

At last, a reason of sorts. It was rather ridiculous that it had taken her three months to admit that much.

And?

And what? It was nerve-wracking, sitting there and wondering if I was making a complete fool of myself.

So…

So? So I hated that. Why would I willingly force myself into that situation again?

It wasn't much, but it solidified James' resolution to get to the heart of the problem.

Forget it. I'm going to go finish my homework.

Fine. Good night.

She'd obviously been lying about the homework, but James didn't want to push her.

How could he get her to talk about it more? By riling her up, of course. And he'd gathered that the easiest way to do that was to be the Potter she hated. If he went far enough, Evans would have to write about it, especially if Roscoe helped her along.

So for the next few days, James found a way to ask Evans out as often as possible. He'd lean over her during meals, pass her messages during class and stop her in the corridors. He took to picking on Snape even more than usual so she would confront him.

Every time he asked her, she became so incredibly upset. She never flaunted it, but James knew what to look for. Her hand would start to drift for her wand, despite her best efforts to remain calm.

James would have been lying if he'd said he didn't enjoy it. He lived for moments like those because she was focused on him and him alone. All the hours he'd spent worrying about her, and she was finally concentrated on James.

Of course, she was busy hating him, but he loved how her emerald eyes would widen at the outrageous comments he would make, how he could almost feel the rage emanating from her.

But why was he going through all this trouble? Why bother with a girl who hated him?

Because, his mind would answer, he was her friend. She might not know it, but James wanted what was best for Evans. What she needed was to grow up. In order for that to happen, she needed to confront her problems and realise dating wasn't so bad. And for that to happen, well…

On the nights when he didn't have detention, James would write to Evans. He would bring up Valentine's Day every time. He had managed to gain a few more hints of her innermost thoughts, but she would get annoyed if he pressed the issue and end the conversation as soon as possible. He knew she had some issues with males in general once they wanted to make things romantic. She'd said she hated the uncertainty. He'd picked up that she didn't like it when boys flirted with her.

All of which only reinforced James' belief that she had a serious problem. It was his responsibility to help her get over it.

Several nights later, James felt he finally had enough information to have a pretty good idea of what she needed to hear.

Why does everyone want me to date? Why can't I make up my own mind?

Because it's a learning experience. Why not just give it another shot?

Because I don't want to!

But why? There's no reason not to.

Not wanting to is not a good enough reason?

You haven't had any traumatising experiences or anything.

So? I still have no desire to date.

Why?

I don't know, I just don't!

Here was his opportunity.

I think you're scared.

A long pause.

What?

You don't know what you're doing and it scares you that you don't know what you're getting into.

I'm not scared. I just don't see the point.

The point is that it has no point, but you're too afraid to try, to open up to someone.

Now came her attempt to leave with some pathetic excuse.

I don't have to listen to this.

No, you don't, but I'm asking you to at least hear me out.

Fine.

He could picture her lying on her bed, her eyes blazing.

You hate that this is something you don't know anything about. You can't study for a date, you can't know what the other person will do. It's completely unpredictable, and you hate that.

He had meant to spread this out over a discussion, but once he'd started, James couldn't stop.

But you don't understand that that's what dating and relationships are all about. You're supposed to be unsure, you're supposed to be worrying about what the other person is thinking. You have no idea what to do, and that terrifies you.

He let out a deep breath and set down his quill to stretch his fingers. Had he gone too far?

When her response finally came, the letters formed very slowly and deliberately. No doubt she was livid by now.

You are just a diary. You don't know me and you don't know what it's like to even go on a date. Good night.

Well. That wasn't the best response.

Author's Note: Ooooh, what's Lily going to do now? Has James totally screwed himself over? Is he even right, or is he just making stuff up? Find out next time! -cue the cheesy theme song-

Check out the LiveJournal: username is diaryfic. Lots of extras, especially about Emily (is that character development I smell?).