The Diary

Chapter Twenty-three - The Request

Notes: Thanks to my lovely beta, Laura!

Disclaimer: So I got a phone call the other day, and this man starts telling me about how I'm eligible for free satellite television. And you know what I told him? I told him I don't have any rights to Harry Potter, and that I am not making any money off of this story. I think he thought I was crazy, but hey, it got me off a calling list.

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And when the sky is falling
Don't look outside the window
Step back and hear I'm calling
Give up, don't take the fast road
It's just your doubt that binds you
Just drop those thoughts behind you now
“Change Your Mind” - The All-American Rejects

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The nerve of him! How dare Roscoe tell her she was scared? If Lily Evans was nothing else, she was brave. She was most certainly not afraid of a relationship. Where did Roscoe get off telling her that she, Lily Evans, was terrified? He wasn't even a real person! He'd never so much as met Lily, much less seen her interact with blokes her age.

After glancing over the conversation once more, Lily slammed her diary shut. She set it aside and crawled out of bed. She had too much energy to go to bed now. Ever so quietly, she snuck out of the dormitory and down to the common room, where she began to pace circles in front of the dying fire, all the while thinking of reasons why Roscoe was wrong.

For one thing, she had gone on a date. She hadn't wanted to, but she'd braved it out instead of running away at the first opportunity. That clearly proved she wasn't afraid. But she couldn't deny that Roscoe had been right about some things. Lily had been uncomfortable on the date, but that was only because she'd been thrown into that situation without any forewarning. That wasn't Lily's fault. And it had been her first date ever; that had to count for something.

She paused by the window and gazed out over the snow-blanketed grounds. Was she afraid of the unknown? Her mind automatically responded with a resounding NO, but now she wasn't so sure. What if she had been deluding herself all along? What if she really was too scared to get involved? What if Roscoe was right?

She shook her head vigorously. Roscoe was wrong wrong wrong. He didn't know what he was talking about - he was a magical non-being, for crying out loud! Lily was a human being, and she just didn't like dating. She was definitely not scared of something as frivolous as a date.

In fact, she began to tell herself, she was so unafraid that she would get a date for Valentine's Day. Lily would go out with another boy and have a marvellous time. That would show Roscoe.

She spun on her heel and marched back up to her dormitory. As she was reaching for Emily's drapes, she hesitated and drew her hand back. Did she want to do this?

Yes, her mind replied emphatically. Lily grabbed the drapes and threw them open.

“Emily,” she whispered.

“Nghhh.” Emily reluctantly rolled over and faced Lily. “What?”

“I need to you to get me a date for Valentine's Day.”

“Now?” she asked sleepily.

“No, but soon. Tomorrow.”

“Er, okay.” Emily rubbed her eyes. “Can I go back to sleep now?”

Lily noted that she probably should have waited until morning to ask. “Right. Sorry.” She shut the drapes and turned around.

Now what was she supposed to do? Although asking Emily had relieved some of her initial unease, Lily still felt rather restless. It was tempting to go back to the common room and pace, but while her mind was wide-awake, her body was worn out. She replaced her diary in its hiding spot and climbed back into bed.

As she began to drift off, the immediate gratification that came from taking charge of the situation started to wear off. Lily had just agreed to go on another date, and no matter how much she was looking forward to rubbing that in Roscoe's face, she couldn't help the butterflies that were forming in her stomach.

Had she just made a terrible mistake?

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The following morning, a still pensive Lily sat with Emily in the common room, enjoying her Saturday as much as possible. It was a chore, as her mind kept slipping back to her conversation with Roscoe, and the fact that she was now definitely going on a date with some boy she didn't know. She had the recurring temptation to slam her head onto the table in front of her, but that would have ruined their game of chess.

Lily was contemplating whether to move her knight or her bishop when Emily kicked her under the table. When Lily made a noise of protest, Emily nudged her head in Lily's direction.

“What?”

“Might want to watch out.”

Lily swivelled around in her seat, only to see Potter and Black about to pass her table on their way through the common room. She cursed under her breath and turned back to the chessboard, determined to ignore Potter at all costs.

As she heard their footsteps approach, Lily grabbed one of her pawns and began to crush it in her palm.

“Hey, Evans, want to go out with me on Valentine's Day?” he asked nonchalantly.

Lily bit the inside of her cheek and focused on the ridges of the pawn digging into her hand. Ignore him, the pretentious prick. You've enough to worry about.

“As much as she'd love to,” drawled Emily, “I'm afraid she's otherwise occupied on the day in question. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm really not, and I'd say it's a fair bet that Lily isn't, either.”

Black's voice joined the mix. “Come off it, Wood. Sitting in the library doesn't count.”

Emily's eyes glinted mischievously. “You don't have to tell me that. Lily here already has a date, so she won't be needing you.”

If Lily hadn't known better, she'd have said Potter was speechless.

“Tough luck, Prongs,” commented Black. “Come on, Moony's waiting for us.”

Who was Moony? Probably some imaginary friend or some codename for trouble. Lily rolled her eyes as Potter's and Black's footfalls signalled their departure. She looked up at Emily to thank her.

“This is because of Potter, isn't it?” Emily said, hunching over the desk conspiratorially. “If you have a date, he won't ask you anymore. Well, he shouldn't. He still might.”

Lily blinked. She hadn't even considered Potter when she'd made the request. It had all been about Roscoe, and proving that she was right. Although, she pondered, it would be a nice benefit if Potter left her alone. “It wasn't because of him. I'd never do anything because of Potter because then he would win.”

“Win what?” Emily cocked an eyebrow.

Lily gestured vaguely. “I don't know. Whatever it is that he's doing.”

Emily nodded. “No, I understand. And you know, I really don't approve of what he's doing.”

“Neither do I. Not like there's much I can do about that.”

“He's been acting… funny.” Emily's voice wavered with a hint of uncertainty.

“Is he ever not?” Lily responded casually.

Emily glanced around the room. “I mean, more than usual. He's been hanging around you an awful lot lately.”

“So? He's just trying to bother me.”

“Are you sure?” Emily bit her lip.

“Well, what else would it be?”

“Give me a second to phrase this in a way so that you won't immediately whip your wand out on me.” Emily reclined in her seat for a minute before sitting back up. “All right. Remember last year, when Potter vanished your shirt?”

“Yes,” Lily said, grimacing at the memory.

“And you remember what I said after about it, what you got really upset about?”

“Sort of. I don't…” She paused. She did remember. “You don't think he- no! There's no way he- no!” Lily lowered her voice and whispered venomously, “That's ridiculous! There's no way that Potter… fancies me.”

Emily gave her a sympathizing look. “Lily, I don't want it to be true either, but it's possible, isn't it?”

“No, it is not possible! That would be wrong on so many levels,” she hissed.

“But he's trying to get your attention! Any idiot could tell you what that means.”

“I don't care!” Lily stood up. “I don't want to even think about that. Just… get me a date, all right? I don't care who, but just... Ugh!” She turned to leave, but Emily grabbed her hand.

“Look, calm down. It's not like I like the idea any more than you do. Now sit down,” Emily said sternly, pulling Lily back to the table. Lily took a deep breath and settled into her chair. “All right. Now what's going on with you?”

“What's going on?” Lily said, incredulous. “You're daft! You think that Potter… I can't even say it again, it's so… There's not even a word for it!”

Emily still hadn't let go of Lily's hand. “Lily. Stop talking.”

“Why? So you can tell me what's going on in my life? No thanks.” She made to leave again, but Emily held fast.

“Lily. I'm Emily. Your best friend, remember? Something's bothering you.”

“Nothing's wrong! Why does everyone insist on telling me how to live my life?” She wrenched herself out of Emily's grip and stormed out through the portrait.

Out in the corridor, Lily leaned against the wall and sank to the floor, her head resting on her knees. As she mentally replayed what had just happened, Lily groaned. She'd overreacted. Again. How did she always manage to lose control? She hadn't wanted to consider the possibilities of Potter feeling anything other than severe dislike for her because that would create a new set of problems, but that wasn't Emily's fault. It was a wonder that Lily had any friends left at all.

It came back to Roscoe, Lily supposed. His words were still haunting her. Why couldn't she just forget them?

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The following day, Remus was absorbed in his book while James attempted to finish his Arithmancy assignment. In actuality, James was observing Evans from across the common room, watching as she tilted her head back in laughter. What had caused her amusement? He wished he knew.

Evans could be so confusing, and James was uncertain of where to go with their… relationship. He hadn't expected her to get so upset over his comments, but then again, what had he been expecting? Certainly not for her to straight out and admit that he was right, but not this… stand off. What if he had botched things up permanently? She might not write to him again. She hadn't last night, in any case, and concern was beginning to eat away at the edges of his mind.

James forced his eyes back onto his parchment. He needed to finish the assignment; he and Sirius were planning on helping Peter with his Animagus form that night.

His mind continued to ignore his task, though, wandering around until it settled on the topic of Remus. James had intended to confront Remus about Emily's proposition immediately, but he had then remembered it had almost been full moon. He hadn't wanted to add to Remus' troubles, so he'd refrained from interrogating him. The full moon had now come and gone, without any transforming, James added bitterly, and he had yet to ask Remus about it. He supposed he could just drop it, but he rejected the idea. His curiosity was too strong.

“Hey, Remus.”

“Yes?” Remus tore his eyes away from the page.

“I hear you were supposed to date Evans,” he said evenly.

An almost regretful smile flickered across Remus' face. “That I was.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” James couldn't help the trace of accusation in his voice.

“I honestly didn't think you'd want to know.”

“Of course I'd want to know.”

Remus appeared at a loss. “I'll tell you next time?” he offered.

This wasn't going anywhere, James told himself. Remus was too sensible. “Good,” he said with a tone of finality.

Remus gave a hint of a shrug and went back to his book.

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In the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, Lily didn't write to Roscoe very much at all. It was too awkward, if Lily were to be perfectly honest. She still didn't like the idea that Roscoe could think he knew her well enough to make statements like those. And so she made up excuses: projects, Prefect duties, tutoring, whatever was necessary to keep their discussions to a minimum. She had to prove herself, but for that she would need evidence, evidence that wouldn't be available until the Valentine's Day visit.

After the scene in the common room, Lily had later returned and apologised to Emily for being overly dramatic. Emily had shrugged it off, agreeing that Potter liking anyone was a sickening thought. Emily had confirmed that she'd managed to get Lily a date, although Lily hadn't asked who he was; she didn't want to act differently around him if they saw each other beforehand. Lily didn't want to have to think things out needlessly, but it didn't seem to matter. Her mind kept speculating about his identity.

As Valentine's Day drew closer, Lily became increasingly anxious. She often wondered if it had been the wisest choice to go on a date. She really didn't want to do it, but she did want to disprove Roscoe. It had to be worth it, though, so things could go back to normal after Roscoe conceded. She wasn't quite sure she could deal with the tense relations they were experiencing for much longer.

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At long last, the day of the Hogsmeade visit came. James had agreed to date Sarah again, if only because he didn't feel like thinking much during the day. He still had many unanswered questions about Evans, and they seemed to focus heavily on what was going on in her head. Ever since he'd confronted her, things had been rocky between her and Roscoe.

The trouble was that James had no outside sources of information about her. He could occasionally glean a statement or two out of Sirius, as he was on friendly terms with Matilda, but Sirius hadn't mentioned who Evans' date was. Tempting as it was, James couldn't exactly interrogate Evans' friends himself, lest they get the wrong impression. And she firmly refused to discuss the issue with Roscoe.

So James was left to theorize, and when he met up with Sarah in the Entrance Hall, he paid little attention to her, opting instead to scan the crowd for Evans while they waited to be checked off by the caretaker, Stoddard.

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Lily was also waiting in the Entrance Hall, her heart pounding wildly.

“Relax,” urged Emily, giving Lily a reassuring squeeze on the arm.

Lily smiled feebly, but her nerves were still frazzled.

“There he is,” said Emily, discreetly gesturing to the stairs.

A tall, dark-skinned boy approached them and grinned.

“Hi,” Lily squeaked, instantly berating herself for sounding so pathetic.

“Hey. I'm Jason.”

Jason had very straight white teeth, Lily noticed. In fact, overall he was very handsome.

Mustering up her courage, Lily said, “I'm Lily.”

“I know.” He smiled. Of course he knew who she was. She gave herself another mental kick.

“Why don't you two go on ahead?” suggested Emily. “We can meet up later if you want.”

“That sounds good,” said Jason. Lily nodded mutely. She needed to be brave, she reminded herself. You're not scared!

Lily and Jason exchanged glances and headed out the doors. It had been a surprisingly mild winter, so Lily had foregone most of her winter attire.

Neither party spoke until they reached the gates to the village. Lily cleared her throat. “So… Where to?” She wished he would talk more, like Greg had. His taciturn nature was too strange.

He shrugged. What was that supposed to mean?

“Honeydukes?” she proposed, thinking of her last date.

“Sure.”

The uncomfortable silence was pervasive. Lily wanted to groan, but instead she said, “So, what year are you in?”

“Sixth.” It wasn't even that he was ignoring her, because he looked at her a good deal of the time. He just didn't talk.

“House?”

“Ravenclaw.”

“Oh.” Lily pulled her coat tighter as a cold wind swept by. This wasn't going very well at all, she lamented. Why had she ever thought otherwise?

After a brief and rather dull visit to the sweets shop, they found themselves heading towards the Three Broomsticks. Lily's palms sweated profusely as she ordered the drinks. Jason wasn't taking the lead like Greg had, and Lily had become painfully aware of how little she knew about dating.

She took her seat across from Jason and handed him a drink. Lily had been able to gather that he liked Gobstones and Herbology, but she had since given up asking questions. He hadn't asked her anything.

When she set her bottle down on the table, she realised how close their hands were. What if he tried to grab hers like Greg had? She pulled her hands away and clasped them in her lap, relieved she had avoided that.

But wait. Why had she pulled away? Even though Jason had proved to be anything but forward, Lily had still been concerned that he would do something like hold her hand. And she'd prevented that.

Why? Would it have been terrible to hold hands with him? The logical part of her mind responded in the negative, but her stomach twisted at the thought. Why did it bother her so?

Lily paused and allowed her mind to form a reply.

Because you don't know what to do after that. Would you have to start drinking with your other hand? What if your palm grosses him out because you're nervous?

It was at that moment that the truth came crashing down on Lily: Roscoe was right.