The Diary

Chapter Twenty-four - The Tower

Author's Note: A gigantic thank you to Sarah! She knows why. And thanks to Laura for beta'ing!

Disclaimer: Mine? Yes! (And by yes, I mean no.)

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Fate
Up against your will
Through the thick and thin
He will wait until
You give yourself to him

“The Killing Moon” - Echo and the Bunnymen

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After her startling discovery, Lily wasn't quite sure what to do next. Nothing had changed in terms of her situation; she was still on a date with an annoyingly quiet boy, only now she was willing to admit that she was not without fear. Fortunately, the date passed relatively quickly. Lily was left to her thoughts of what she should say to Roscoe the next time they spoke, and Jason didn't interrupt her once. When she finally suggested heading back to the castle, he merely nodded.

Upon their return, they stood awkwardly in the Entrance Hall. Lily tried to leave, but he suddenly had more to say. The questions were short and pointless, and Lily really didn't understand why he had asked them at all. He fidgeted for a moment, and then stepped forward and made to kiss her. Lily immediately took a step back and he missed, hitting nothing but air.

Somewhat stunned and blushing enough to match her hair, she hurriedly said, “Bye!” and dashed up to her dormitory to pace.

When Emily came up an hour later, Lily was still there, wondering what her admission meant. Emily tried unsuccessfully to pry information out of her, but Lily refused to discuss her date and all but threw Emily out of the dormitory. Lily needed to sort out her thoughts before talking to anyone. She tried to distract herself with books and homework, but the more she tried to not think about it, the more she could think of nothing else.

Roscoe had been right. What did she do now? What did that mean about her? Lily would have to talk to him about it eventually, but how? Should she just tell him about her disaster of a date and hope he understood the implication that went along with it?

She collapsed onto the bed and closed her drapes when Linda Zheng and Maria Rivers, her roommates, returned from Hogsmeade. Lily could kick Emily out, but not them. They weren't as accustomed to Lily's moods.

She didn't bother to go down for dinner; her body was too lethargic. Her nerves had prevented her from sleeping much the previous night.

“Lily?” Emily's voice called from outside the drapes. Lily didn't respond. “I brought you some dinner.”

Lily's stomach growled. She sighed and opened the drapes.

Emily handed her a roll and an apple. “You look like shit.”

“Thanks,” Lily replied dryly. She took the offering and munched away.

Emily hesitated, then asked, “Was it really that bad? I mean, I haven't dated him, but I'd heard good things.” She looked to Lily for a response.

“It's… complicated,” Lily said between mouthfuls. “I just need to think.”

Emily let out a strained breath. “All right. If you can't even talk to your best friend about the date she set up for you…”

“It's not like I don't want to talk about it with you,” Lily retorted.

“Then why don't you?”

Lily didn't have an answer for that.

Emily pursed her lips. “You haven't been keen to talk about anything lately.”

Lily opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She couldn't tell Emily about her dilemma without explaining Roscoe.

“Fine. Don't tell me anything.” Emily shut the drapes, leaving Lily in the dark.

Great, Lily thought, another problem for the list.

She lay silently in the dark and eventually drifted off to sleep, lulled by the quiet chatter of the other girls. When she awoke, the light that had filtered in through the gaps in her drapes had disappeared, and the only noise was the faint snoring from Linda's bed. Lily felt reenergized, but her thoughts were still in disarray.

She wandered out of bed and over to the window, where her eyes sought out familiar constellations. She was surprised to see a shooting star and smiled. There was another one. And another. It was a meteor shower, she realised.

When she had been a young girl, Lily's best friend had been a boy named Darwin Miller. They'd done everything together, and his mother had been an astronomer. She would take Lily and Darwin out on the roof every meteor shower, and the three would stay up until the early hours of the morning watching the lights shoot across the sky. He'd moved away when Lily had been nine, but Lily had always gone out of her way to enjoy meteor showers when she could. In all the kerfuffle over her date, though, she had forgotten that there was one that night. But a meteor shower was just what she needed to perk up her miserable day.

Lily quietly gathered her winter things and stole down the dormitory stairs. There was little chance that anyone was still awake, but she still didn't want to answer any questions. Once she reached the bottom of the staircase, she spotted a figure on one of the common room couches.

Potter.

What was he doing down in the common room? Lily frowned but decided she didn't care. She tiptoed across the room and snuck out through the portrait of the Fat Lady.

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James had tried to follow Evans during the day, but Sarah had kept dragging him around the village to grope him in various locations. Not that he had a problem with that, but he'd really wanted to know how Evans' date had gone. He'd seen Lily with an unfamiliar boy, but the two didn't seem to be talking. Odd.

Sarah hadn't been happy that he'd been distracted all day, but he really hadn't cared. She was a dunce, if he were to be honest with himself. Her annoyance had culminated in her heatedly breaking things off with him in the Entrance Hall, swearing that he was the least caring bloke she'd ever dated. James hadn't bothered to apologise because he'd simply seen no reason to.

He'd been heading to the staircase when he'd caught sight of Evans with her date. The boy had moved into kiss Evans and a flame of anger had torn through James' chest. He'd silently cheered when Evans had averted it, and then James had climbed the stairs. It had been tempting to go taunt the boy, but James had felt he might accidentally seriously injure him for his boldness.

Back in the dorm, James and Sirius had tried fruitlessly to help Peter get his Animagus form late into the evening. Afterwards, James had waited for Evans to write, but she never did. The fact that she hadn't contacted him made him uneasy and unable to sleep. James had decided a late night trip to the kitchen was in order, so he'd grabbed his Cloak and nicked a sandwich from the house-elves. He'd returned to the common room to enjoy his snack, and apparently food was exactly what he'd needed, because he'd soon nodded off in front of the dying fire.

The light footfalls of someone on the stairs awakened him, but he kept his eyes shut. The person hesitated, then softly walked over to the portrait hole. James looked through the slits of his eyes—it was Evans! He'd know that mane of hair anywhere. As soon as she'd exited, James snatched his Cloak from the ground and trailed after her.

She was all dressed up for a nighttime wandering, but what could she possibly be up to? Something important, no doubt - she was not the sort for late-night strolls.

He followed her to the top of the Astronomy Tower. What was she doing here? After emerging from the door, Evans had laid down in the middle of the tower, her eyes looking straight up.

James furrowed his eyebrows. He didn't understand at all. Why risk detention for a stargazing expedition? Astronomy wasn't a hobby of hers or anything.

He understood better when looked up. A meteor shower. While that helped, it still didn't explain anything. Meteor showers were nice and all, but they didn't merit a trip out of bed.

James took a few tentative steps forward, his footfalls falling softly from years of experience. Evans didn't appear to be going anywhere soon.

She was smiling. He was astounded that a meteor shower could make her smile like that. He noticed that her lips were chapped. Those lips that had almost kissed that boy in the Entrance Hall.

A renewed flare of anger ripped through James' chest. Who did that bloke think he was? Evans was clearly not ready for that on a first date. James had been tempted to whip out his wand and make him grow a pair of rabbit ears for that transgression.

Her date had obviously not gone well, so what had caused this sudden change from distress to glee?

He examined her more closely. He knew her mind intimately, but he had only recently begun to notice her physical nature. She wasn't a steal-your-breath-away beauty, but she was certainly attractive. She hadn't had all those suitors because of her Charms ability. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, her hair partially hidden away under a knit cap—perhaps from her mother? And then there were her eyes. They were difficult to inspect from afar, but up close they were startlingly green. A deep emerald, unlike any he'd ever seen before.

Tonight, though, he was fascinated by her lips. The corners uplifted into a smile, not quite broad enough to reveal her teeth, but enough to form an elegant curve that hinted at internal joy. A smile he'd never seen her wear before.

He moved his gaze up into the sky and followed the specks of light as they formed intricate designs in the sky.

Sarah had very full, soft lips that tasted like cherries. Very nice for kissing. Even if she was a bore, he had to give her that much.

He idly wondered what it would be like to kiss Evans. She'd never kissed anyone. Would she be firm and passionate, like her personality? It would be very different from Sarah. She was needy and hungry.

Evans sneezed, effectively pulling James out of his thoughts. She chuckled quietly.

Holy Merlin! What had he just been thinking? Kissing Evans? His mind backtracked furiously. Kissing Evans broke just about every rule in the book!

But even as he rejected it intellectually, the image of those lips on his sprung unbidden into his mind. Mind Evans pulled back and smiled that smile, that silly, giddy smile, and it was meant for him.

He shook the image out of his head. His mind quickly replied that the fantasy was permissible. Physical attraction was perfectly understandable. She was a very pretty girl, after all, and what was James but a raging mass of hormones?

But even as his mind formulated the response, it resonated within him as an untruth, because people who were merely lusting after one another did not wonder what was running through the other's mind, did not desire to make the other smile, did not feel compelled to write to each other, did not force the other to confront their fears. Those all transcended the typical bodily attraction and passed into the realm of actual liking, but that couldn't be, it mustn't! If it were true, it would mean so many other things would become tremendously more complicated!

He clenched his fists and tried to force down the endless cascade of thoughts that had sprung from that one simple image, tried to do anything to erase them, but he had no other explanation than the seemingly irrevocable truth that he had fallen for Evans.

Oh, shit.

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The next morning, Lily awoke with a faint smile on her face, the memory of the previous night lingering on the outskirts of her mind. She frowned when she remembered what had happened earlier in the day. She still hadn't figured out what to do about Roscoe and - she groaned - his penchant for knowing what was happening in her head.

On her way to the Great Hall in search of Emily, Lily ran into Diana, her Ravenclaw friend. They stopped to catch up for a few minutes, but there was no fooling Diana.

“Is something wrong, Lily? You look worried,” Diana said in her knowingly kind voice. The last time she's used it had been when Lily had found out her aunt had been killed in a car accident. Diana had spotted Lily's unease at once and had made her talk it out. This time, however, Lily was not willing to share.

“Yeah, Emily and I haven't been on the best terms. You wouldn't happen to know where she is, would you?”

Diana seemed to understand that Lily meant to work things out on her own, so she informed Lily that she'd just seen Emily and Matilda in the courtyard. Lily thanked her and headed off.

“—know!”

Lily would know that voice anywhere.

“And you should see when he- oh. Hello, Lily,” Emily said coolly.

“Hi.” Lily tentatively sat down on the edge of the bench.

Matilda abruptly stood up and cleared her throat. “I think that Adam wanted to talk to me about… Arithmancy…” She gave a half-wave and left.

“She seems to have forgotten that neither of them take Arithmancy.” Emily snorted but straightened up when she remembered she was talking to Lily. “So, you've finally decided you need to talk to someone? Sorry, not interested.”

Lily would have left had Emily made any attempt to walk away or shun Lily. “Look, I know I haven't been the best friend lately.” Emily let out a mirthless laugh, but Lily continued. “I've been caught up with some… issues.”

“I wouldn't know,” Emily replied sharply.

Lily sighed. “It's not anything important,” she said, her stomach momentarily clenching at the lie.

“I disagree.”

“That doesn't surprise me.”

Neither spoke for a minute.”

“What do you want me to say?” Lily asked. Emily gave no response, but Lily could tell she was making progress; Emily had stopped tapping her foot, a sure sign that she was paying attention. And Emily had never been as stubborn as Lily.

“It's just… You haven't been talking to me lately,” Emily said quietly.

“I know.”

“I don't like that.”

“Me neither.”

Another silence. Lily looked out at the other students and absent-mindedly wondered what they were talking about.

“I'm sorry,” Lily said.

“I know.”

“That's going to change.”

“I hope so.”

“It will,” Lily responded firmly.

A smile tugged at Emily's lips. “So talk to me.”

“About what?”

“Your date.”

Lily rolled her eyes and smiled. “Of course. Well, let me think.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “It was atrocious.”

“What happened?”

“He spoke around twenty words to me the entire day, for one thing.”

“Really?” Emily looked confused. “All the times I talked to him, he was fine. Nice, normal bloke.”

“He did keep looking at me,” Lily said pensively.

“Oh, I see.” Emily smirked. “He's one of those people.”

“And which people would those be?” Lily asked, amused.

“The people who shut up around the people they like.”

“Oh.” Lily frowned. “That's annoyingly stupid.”

“I know,” Emily agreed. “Sorry, I didn't know he was one of them.”

“It's fine. I lived, didn't I? Besides, I was the one who asked for it.” Lily didn't feel like discussing her own date; there were too many issues she couldn't mention to Emily.

Emily nodded and picked at a loose thread on her shirt.

“So how was your date? And who was he?” Lily realised that, once again, she'd managed to miss out on a crucial detail in her friend's life.

Strangely enough, Emily blushed. Lily couldn't recall ever seeing that particular act from her, ever. Lily raised her eyebrows, silently asking for Emily to continue.

“Rob, the Hufflepuff?” Emily replied, fighting to hide her smile and failing. She looked down at her lap. “We've sort of been dating, you see.”

Lily wasn't sure which emotion was stronger: surprise that Emily had picked one boy, or indignation that Lily hadn't been informed earlier.

“When did that happen?” Lily demanded.

“At the end of January.” She glanced up at Lily and added, “I would have told you, but you didn't seem interested. And I didn't think you'd want to know, I thought you'd be mad or jealous or…” Emily gesticulated loosely. “I don't know. I didn't think you'd be pleased, in any case.”

“Of course I would've wanted to know!” Lily stopped and tried to remove the edge from her words. “You're my best friend, and God knows you deserve a good boyfriend. He is a good one, I take it.”

Emily beamed. “He is. He's wonderful.”

Something didn't add up. “But what do you mean `sort of dating?' You either are or you aren't.”

“Oh. That.” Emily's smile dropped. “I've been meeting up with him a couple times a week.”

Lily mentally cringed. How had she not noticed Emily's disappearance? Had she really been that absorbed in her own affairs? She rubbed the palms of her hands against her eyes. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't worry about it,” Emily said briskly. “I let Jason go out with you. Next time will be better, I promise.”

“And how do you know there'll be a next time? What if I've been permanently scarred and never date again and end up an old maid because of you?”

Emily quirked an eyebrow and Lily burst out laughing. “Then I'd have to kill Jason. I certainly don't want you hanging around me any more than necessary.”

“I'll have you know, he tried to kiss me,” Lily insisted.

“The audacity! The scandal!” Emily laughed. “How dare he attempt to kiss the great Lily Evans on their first date? Has he no scruples? I shall hunt down the fiend and smite him!”

“Keep it down,” Lily whispered, sniggering and playfully shoving Emily. “But do tell me all the sordid details or I shall be forced to smite you.”

“But of course!”

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James was having an arguably more trying day. He'd awoken early, unable to sleep but lacking a desire to get up. He dragged himself out of bed once he heard the stirrings of his friends. They breakfasted together, though James added little to the conversation and explained it away as a lack of sleep.

He followed the other three around in a trance; it was as if a thin fog had obscured his thoughts, and the only thing that wasn't concealed was Evans. Over and over again, the phrase You like her! reeled through his mind.

I know! he yelled back, I know!

Had it been any other girl, there wouldn't have been any problem whatsoever. James would simply ask her out, and then they'd date and everything would be fine. But of all the girls in the school, it was Evans. Which he knew shouldn't have surprised him—he knew her more intimately than anyone—but it simply made their demented relationship even more twisted.

Once back in the common room, Remus took off for the library while Sirius and Peter settled down for a game of chess. James took a seat on the sidelines and faded back into thought.

James liked Evans. Evans thought Roscoe was a friend, and she hated James. There was no question of a relationship with Evans: there was simply no way to be both James and Roscoe to her. Not to mention she would have nothing to do with James Potter unless it involved her rebuking him for his misbehaviour. And even if they, by some miracle, ended up together, he would have to reveal his “prank,” and that would result in his instantaneous death by her hand.

It was, without a doubt, the biggest mess he'd ever gotten himself into. There was no easy way out—a surprising admission on his part, he who prided himself on cleverness—but true all the same. The only viable solution was to end it, permanently, before things got any worse.

The plan came to him much like many of the lies he told to Evans: simply forming in his mind as soon as the problem arose. He had to end his infatuation with her. He would cut himself off from her, starting out by ending his habit of asking her out when they crossed paths. No more face-to-face interaction, and he would somehow explain away Roscoe's disappearance. She would be disappointed that Roscoe wouldn't write to her anymore, but Emily would be there to pick up the pieces. Things would go back to normal.

James had already decided he could tell no one of his secret infatuation with Evans. Sirius suspected but had no solid proof. Remus and Peter had not spoken to him about it, and James intended to keep it that way. Above all, though, Evans could not know. Let her continue to think it had all been a Marauder game or something.

Resolved with his new strategy, James focused on the rest of the chess game, only to find it was mere moves away from being over.

“I play winner,” he announced.

Sirius grinned and said, “Back with us, then? Excellent. I still owe you a trouncing from the last game.”

“Keep deluding yourself, Padfoot. You forget, I am James Potter, chess master extraordinaire.”

“A hefty claim, Mr Prongs.”

“Heftiness does not preclude validity, Mr Padfoot.”

“That is doesn't.” Sirius moved his rook into place and told Peter, “Checkmate, Mr… Damn, you haven't a name. Get your form and I'll work on it.”

“I'm trying, but I can't,” said Peter, hurriedly getting out of his seat to make room for James.

“I'm aware, Mr Pettigrew.” Sirius turned to James. “Prepared to lose, Mr Padfoot?”

“As ready as you are, Mr Prongs.”

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Life seemed to have taken a turn for the worse for James. The rest of the day had flown by in what could be considered normalcy, but James' optimism had faded quickly at dinner when he'd seen Evans.

She'd been sitting on the opposite side of the table a few places down and she'd appeared lost. She'd been surrounded by friends, but her mind had obviously been elsewhere. She'd picked at her food and said barely anything.

That one look had been enough to cast doubt on James' plan. Evans had not been at ease in what should have been a comforting environment. His instinct told him something had happened on her date, but it told him no more than that.

Roscoe could know. The thought had wriggled its way into James' mind.

It's not my business anymore!

And so he had pointedly not looked at Evans again during the meal. Everything had been going well until James had retired to bed early. Try as he might, sleep would not come. He kept imagining Evans in the adjoining tower, sitting on her bed and writing messages to no one. One night without a response was not abnormal, and two was only slightly less common. How long before she realised that Roscoe was gone for good? Four days? Five? A week? There was no way to know.

Was she even writing to him? What if she ended it? The uncertainty gnawed at his mind. He had to know if she was trying to talk to Roscoe. Just a quick check and his mind would be mollified.

James grabbed for his journal before he could change his mind and flipped to the next blank page.

Nothing. Not a word. Feeling vaguely disappointed, he started to close the book when something did appear. One word turned into two, and then more. She was writing!

Roscoe?

His hand automatically reached for his quill before he remembered he wasn't responding.

I really need to speak with you.

James scolded himself and reminded himself of his plan.

You're not here? I'll start without you.

She was still talking to him. James swore.

There really isn't anyone else I can talk to.

James felt the first crack in his shell of confidence.

Emily wouldn't understand, and besides, she's gotten herself a boyfriend.

Evans wouldn't have Emily, then. Another fissure erupted.

I almost told her today. I wanted to know who she would side with. I didn't, though. It was too personal.

James felt his plan shatter into shards around him. There was no way he could cut her off like that. Even if it meant hell for James, he had to keep writing.

He reached for his quill.

I'm here.

Good.

So what's going on?

It's funny, I had this all planned out, but now I can't seem to remember how I was going to phrase it.

I see. Well, you mentioned Emily's new boyfriend, but I take it there's something else, so what would you like to start with?

Emily's boyfriend.

Covering the easy stuff first, then.

Who is he?

Rob the Hufflepuff. Apparently they've been seeing each other since January, and I never noticed.

That's rather bad.

I know. I felt terrible, but she's forgiven me. But it's not entirely my fault she never told me about him.

So she dated him in secret? Why?

Evans and Emily were close. It seemed like an unwonted move on Emily's part.

Emily said something about how she didn't believe I would like that.

How do you feel about it?

I think it's great! She appears to really like him, and from what I've seen, he's nice. Just as mischievous as her.

Did you tell her that?

More or less. I let her ramble on about him for a long time, and she's smitten.

Good for her.

I know.

She didn't add anything to the sentence.

So things are okay between you two?

Yes. She was worried I was drifting away from her, but things are better now.

Fantastic.

For all her pleading, she was being very reserved.

So what else is happening? It was Valentine's Day today, was it not?

It was.

And?

She took her time forming her response.

I had a date.

Really?

Yes. It was dreadful.

Go on.

He didn't talk.

I see.

It was… discomforting. I hated it.

That's no shock.

I know. The whole date was

She left it hanging.

Was what?

Frightening.

So that was it. She'd realised that he'd been right. Even so, James was happy that her date had gone poorly.

Oh.

How easy it would be to gloat.

Yes.

She clearly wasn't going to go into more detail unless he forced her to.

Care to elaborate?

I can't really explain it well. It was like everything he did, I had to counteract to keep

James filled in the blank.

Control?

That's the closest word, I suppose.

Ah.

Halfway through the date, I realised what I was doing. And after that, I couldn't stop thinking about what you said.

That would be distracting.

It didn't matter. Jason didn't notice.

Jason. James now had a name to attach to a face.

But then I could see every time I tried to do it, but I couldn't stop it.

I'm proud of you, Lily.

Why is that?

You're not too prideful.

Oh.

And he was proud of her, in some way. James had just admitted something he hadn't wanted to, and she had done something similar much quicker than he had. He smiled. How could he ever have thought he could stop writing to her?

But the thing is, I have another problem.

What?

What do I do now?

That was a good question.

There's no definitive answer.

Wonderful.

I can't really tell you, but I have a feeling you'll figure it out when you need to.

You're just so helpful, aren't you?

It's not my fault I'm not omniscient.

I beg to differ.

That doesn't make sense.

I have half a mind to stop writing right now unless you can give me answers.

I have more questions, if you'd like.

No thanks, I'll pass.

Are you sure? They're on sale - two for one.

You know what?

What?

I missed you.

I missed you, too.