The Diary

Chapter Twenty-eight - The Confrontation

Disclaimer: A lot of the dialogue and actions in the following chapter are taken from Rowling's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 28. (Nice how that worked out, isn't it?)

Note: Sarah gets a million cookies for helping me with this chapter like you wouldn't believe. You should all thank her for this being one of the fastest updates ever. And a huge thank you, as always, to my beta, Holly.

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Why do you do what you do to me baby
You're shaking my confidence driving me crazy
You know if I could I'd do anything for you
I don't mean to bore you `cause you know I adore you

“Pretend to be Nice” - Josie and the Pussycats

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“Only one more!” Emily threw her hands up in the air as she stepped out of the front doors, accidentally catching her arm on Lily's. “Oh, sorry. But think, there's just Transfiguration and we'll be done.”

“That will be nice,” Lily admitted. “No more studying till what, August? At least for me. My plans for July do not involve homework.”

“Neither do mine. They do, however, involve an E on that Defence exam.” Emily winked.

Lily was fairly confident of her answers on the Defence theory test they'd just taken. It hadn't been overly difficult, and she'd known something about all the questions but one. The worst part had been the looming sense that the exam was Important To Her Future.

“That's hardly a surprise,” she said, stretching out her right hand. “You know more than all the girls in our dorm combined.”

“I'll second that,” Linda Zheng said from Lily's left. “You wouldn't want to tutor me with Transfiguration, would you? Please?”

As soon as they reached the lakeshore, Emily laughed and dropped to the ground, kicking off her shoes. “You, then, should know that Transfiguration is not my strong point.”

“Still,” Linda whined. “You're loads better than I am, and I know I'm going to fail!”

Lily and Emily shared a brief look.

“Lily would love to help you,” Emily said cheerfully.

“I -”

“Great!” Linda grinned, showing off her scarily white teeth. Lily wondered if she used a spell or if she had just inherited some strange tooth gene. “Want to help me now?”

“Er, no, I think I want to relax for a little bit, actually.” An apologetic smile spread across Lily's face.

“Okay.” Linda smiled back at Lily. “Later?”

“Sure.”

Lily and Linda joined Emily in soaking their feet in the cool water, and their final dormmate, Maria Rivers, wandered over after a few minutes. Diana drifted over from her own circle of friends to speak with Lily.

“What are you doing this summer?” she asked, lowering herself to the ground.

“Not doing homework, for one,” Lily replied, leaning back on her forearms. “My mum and dad want me to get a job, though. So long as I don't have to work with my sister, I'll be perfectly fine with that.” She watched the sunbeams dance across the ripples emanating from her feet. “What about you?”

Diana toed the water with her shoe. “My family and I are going to Switzerland.”

“Oh, I hear it's gorgeous there!” Linda interjected.

Lily bit back a harsh comment to Linda about interrupting and instead commented, “They have the best chocolate there.”

“I know, and I know you would love it if I brought you some,” Diana said lightly.

“Excuse me,” said Emily playfully. “I'm the one who's supposed to cater to her whims. You can't bring her chocolate because I won't have anything to give her to win her love.”

“It's not just us, Emily,” Diana said, a small smile tugging at her lips. “We have to compete with Potter, too.”

“Don't even mention him!” Lily sat up and pushed her hair out of her face. “He's not competing for anything to do with me.”

“Actually, he is right now.” Diana pointed to a small crowd that had gathered a ways down the lake.

Lily squinted to make out the figures.

“That's Potter's hair,” she said. The bodies shifted and she caught sight of another figure. “Is that Snape?”

Diana ran her fingers through the grass.

“It looks to be.”

Lily yanked her feet out of the water and groped for her shoes.

“Lily, why don't you just stay here?” Emily asked. “He doesn't need you.”

“Even if he can hold his own - and he probably can - I'm not letting Potter do anything,” Lily said, tugging on her shoes over wet feet.

“You just said not to bring him up,” Linda pointed out.

“That was different,” argued Lily. Her left shoe refused to go on easily. “He's picking on Snape, so I have to go.”

Emily grabbed Lily's foot. “Don't go.”

Lily shook herself free. “I have to go.”

“You're not going to stop her,” said Diana distractedly as she examined her own shoes.

“She can speak for herself,” Emily retorted.

Lily sighed. “I know you think it's a bad idea, Emily, but… I'll explain later. Or maybe Diana can explain it. God knows she understands more than I do.”

She half-jogged over to the crowd and heard Potter's voice.

“Scourgify!”

Light shot out of Potter's wand and hit Snape in the chest. Bubbles began to froth from his mouth, making him choke.

“Leave him ALONE!” Lily yelled.

Potter turned, his hand running through that stupid hair of his. “All right, Evans?” he asked, as though nothing unusual was happening behind him.

Lily fixed him with her best glare. “Leave him alone. What's he done to you?”

“Well,” Potter said with mock concern, “it's more than the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…”

Lily waited for the laughter to die down. “You think you're funny. But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.”

The stupid prick had the gall to respond, “I will if you go out with me, Evans. Go on… Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”

The mere fact that he was trying to coerce her into dating him almost repulsed Lily more than his bullying.

“I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid.”

“Bad luck, Prongs,” said Black. Lily wondered if he thought Potter were a coat rack or something equally peculiar. “OI!”

Snape had found his wand and cast a spell at Potter, creating a large, bloody wound on Potter's face. Potter spun on his foot and shot a spell of his own at Snape, who was instantly hauled into the air by his foot. His robes tumbled down, allowing everyone to view his dirty pants.

Lily wasn't by any means fond of Snape, but she had to defend him. Still, she suddenly understood what Rob had meant about Levicorpus. The corners of her lips almost contracted, but she smothered the feeling immediately, watching Potter and his sycophants nearly hyperventilate with laughter.

“Let him down!” she cried.

“Certainly,” Potter responded smugly, waving his wand and letting Snape plunge to the ground, his robes a mess around him.

Snape leapt to his feet, only to be knocked over by a Body Bind from Black.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE,” Lily yelled. They weren't listening. She had to do something, though, and soon. She reached for her own wand.

“Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,” Potter said.

“Take the curse off him, then!” Potter wasn't the only one that could manipulate people, Lily thought maliciously.

Potter sighed and murmured the countercurse.

“There you go. You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus -”

“I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!” Snape said with a vicious glance at Lily.

After all Lily had done for him…

“Fine. I won't bother in the future,” she said icily. As an afterthought, she added, “And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.”

Potter brandished his wand at Snape. “Apologise to Evans!”

Lily twisted to face Potter. He didn't get it.

“I don't want you to make him apologise! You're as bad as he is…”

“What?” Potter's voice reached new levels. “I'd NEVER call you a - you-know-what!”

Stupid Potter, thinking he was so cool…

“Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can -” she took in a breath, “I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.”

A giant weight was lifted off Lily's chest; she'd tried to help but Snape didn't want it, and she'd just told off Potter like never before. She spun around and rushed off.

“Evans!” Potter called. “Hey, EVANS!”

But Lily didn't give him the satisfaction of looking back. She marched over to lakeside and tried not to listen to what was happening in her absence. That was, unfortunately, impossible.

“Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?” Potter's voice cut through the mostly serene quiet of the lake.

Before she was quite aware of what she was doing, Lily was sprinting back and yelling, “Stop it!” She couldn't believe he would actually stoop so low.

Potter, his wand locked in position, looked Lily in the eye and said, "No."

"I mean it, Potter. Stop it or I swear to God--"

"Bugger off, Lilykins. I'm not listening to you."

Lily could literally feel herself snapping. It was an interesting sensation, like there was some bone inside of her that broke clean in half, and as she watched the pants wriggling off, the answer came to her. She threw herself forward, wrapping her arms around Potter's waist and shoving with all her might to get him off balance. He slammed into the ground, letting out a large "Oof!" and effectively crushing Lily's hands beneath him.

"Evans, you've lost it!" Potter cried. He grabbed her hands and tried to force her to let go, but she wasn't having it.

"Let. Him. Down," she growled. Potter managed to look cowed. His wand, which he had miraculously held on to, flicked upwards, and Snape crumpled to the ground. "Good," Lily said. She yanked her hands out and stood up. "Don't do it again."

"Miss Evans!"

Lily's head swivelled around to see Professor Wayter hurrying over, his robes flapping behind him. She spared a glance back at Potter, still lying on the ground, then looked back to the clearly furious professor.

"What were you thinking?" Wayter demanded. "Both of you! And don't think you're off the hook either, Black."

Black shrugged and tossed his hair out of his face. "I would never."

Wayter turned to the onlookers. "And you! You should all be studying for your exams." After a moment in which the students consulted their friends on what to do, they began to scatter. Emily met Lily's eye and raised an eyebrow. Lily kept her face expressionless and diverted her gaze. When she looked back, Emily had gone.

"Not a word from any of you," Wayter said coldly. He pivoted around, and the three Gryffindors fell in behind him.

The entire trip up to the fifth floor, Lily replayed the scene in her head, savouring the lingering sensation that had come from tackling Potter. She wondered why she hadn't done it earlier. The slap had been magnificent, but this… There were no words.

"Sit." Wayter pointed to the chairs in front of his desk, lowering himself into his own seat.

Lily held her head high and squared her shoulders. She noticed Black and Potter sat haphazardly in their seats. They must have been in this office plenty of times, she thought smugly, trouble makers that they were. Potter had a large patch of dirt along the right side of his robe, which made Lily smile.

"Potter," Wayter began. "Black. You were in here not too long ago. Do you remember what I told you then?"

Black smirked. "Yes, Professor. You said this sort of behaviour wasn't acceptable inside the castle." Wayter opened his mouth, but Black, impertinent as he was, spoke first. "We weren't in the castle." He looked at the Professor, daring him to make an objection.

"Don't play semantics with me, Mr Black. You're in enough trouble as it is." Wayter placed his elbow on the desk and rested his forehead on his hand. "Miss Evans." He raised his head. "I'm beyond disappointed. Had you Disarmed Potter, or done something that was warranted by the situation, I would be applauding you. However." He paused and reached into his desk. "You chose perhaps the most irresponsible choice." In his hand lay the detention pad Lily owned but never used. None of the Prefects used them.

Lily heard his words and knew they were true, but she still couldn't dredge up any guilt over hurting Potter.

"Mr Potter."

Potter crossed his arms. "Yes, sir?"

"I notice you aren't standing up for Miss Evans this time."

"No. No, I'm not," Potter responded, speaking as though this would be of great offence to her.

It wasn't.

"Evans, if you weren't a Prefect, I might understand your actions. I would understand even more if you didn't have a reputation as a no-nonsense girl. I'm stumped." Wayter's eyes bored into Lily's. "Do you have any sort of defence?"

"No," she replied calmly. Just that it felt damn good.

Wayter rubbed his forehead. "All right. I've half a mind to recommend that you lose your Prefect status."

Lily, whose attention had wandered, was jerked back to the conversation.

"But," Wayter continued, "as the rest of your record is almost impeccable, I won't. Please, just keep in mind that you do have power, if only you would use it."

"I will, Professor." Lily didn't think she could deal with the ignominy of being demoted.

"Good." A brief smile passed over his face. "I'm only assigning you one detention, in that case, and it will be with me." Lily could deal with that. She held back a sigh of relief. "You're dismissed, Miss Evans."

"Thank you, sir." Lily smiled and rose from her seat. She cast one final glare at her two classmates before taking her leave.

If only she could have been a fly on the wall for Wayter's excoriation of the two Marauders, Lily thought as she sped through the corridors. It would have been even better if she'd been allowed to hurl maledictions at them. Yes, that would be much better. She relished the thought, building upon the fantasy while attempting to locate her best friend.

“Lily!”

Emily stood at the bottom of the marble staircase leading to the Entrance Hall.

Lily eagerly dashed down the stairs. Before she'd even reached the bottom, she called out, “Did you see that, Emily? Wasn't that amazing?”

To Lily's surprise, Emily did not look nearly as excited as Lily was. She started to stroll out the front door, and Lily followed.

“What happened?” Emily asked. “One minute you're ignoring Potter, the next you're tackling him.”

“I know!” Lily replied. “It was sudden, wasn't it? But I had to, don't you see? I couldn't just let him get away with that- that- atrocity!”

Emily eyed Lily warily. “Atrocity?”

“Yes!” Lily said emphatically. “Stupid Potter thinks that he can do things like that, but I won't let him! Oh! And he almost lost me my Prefect badge!”

“How did he do that?”

“Well, you know Wayter came and dragged us into his office, and then he said he was disappointed in me and that he had half a mind to recommend that I lose my badge - he's not, though - and then he just gave me a detention, but can you believe Potter? If he hadn't picked on Snape, I wouldn't have had to do something, and that would never have happened!”

Emily stopped in her tracks and faced Lily. “Are you listening to yourself?”

“What?” Lily halted. “Of course I am. How could I not?”

“You're babbling about how Potter made you do that - or really anything, which I understand to a point - but Lily, that's not his fault!”

“Sure it is!”

Emily ran both of her hands through her hair. “Lily, face it. You overreacted, and you should be saying that and feeling guilty, and then I should say that I'm glad you did something at all, but- you're gloating!”

“I thought you wanted me to stick up for myself,” Lily said, her tone cold. “Everyone wanted me to stick up for myself.”

“Well, yes,” Emily argued, “but that wasn't even close to self-defence back there. That was you- I don't even know what to call it.” She took a deep breath. “What happened to the Lily I knew that wanted to get rid of her violent tendencies? The one that sickeningly always did the right thing?”

“I'm right here!”

“No. You're not.”

“I wish you would all just make up your bloody minds,” Lily said tersely. Without waiting for a response, she clenched her fists and strode to the Great Hall for a quick lunch before the Defence practical. If Emily wasn't going to listen, Roscoe surely would later that night.

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Detention with Filch. Again. James was not looking forward to spending another three nights with the straggly-haired, cat fanatic with an apparent fetish for physical torture. The man had spent all of James' and Sirius' last detention muttering about the good old days when he could break out the manacles. James and Sirius had shared glances that had plainly expressed their disbelief of such tales. While Filch was as big of a nutter as they came, he was still by far better than Stoddard.

After leaving Sirius with a rather pathetic excuse about being exhausted from the Defence exam - James was rather proud of the boggart-repelling spell he'd cast - he headed up to his dorm. He hoped like nothing else that Evans would be writing. He was absolutely stumped about what she'd done. She'd tackled him, for Merlin's sake! And he hadn't done a thing, really! Sure, he'd been frustrated, and that had no doubt come across, but she'd sent him the most unwonted looks in Wayter's office. Not to mention she hadn't appeared to be the least bit repentant for attacking him.

He was busy wondering how on earth he was going to ask her about the lake scene when she solved the answer for him.

I have detention again! And I almost lost my Prefect badge.

What happened?

What had happened, indeed. James still didn't have a clue as to what was running through Evans' mind, and considering his position, that was saying something.

It was that stupid Marauder! He was being himself and picking on Snape, so I stopped him. Then Wayter came and pulled all three of us into his office, and he gave me a detention.

Evans, twisting things around as usual.

What did you get a detention for?

I tackled him.

Why?

Singularly the most popular word that had flown through James' mind as of late.

I couldn't help it. I just looked at him, standing there with his stupid smirk and his stupid hair and then he called me that name and

James prided himself on being able to decipher her ramblings, but he was stumped as to what she was on about.

I lost it. I just couldn't take it anymore. I almost lost my Prefect badge because of that stupid Marauder.

That was it. James did not think he could take another minute of Evans warping everything so that he looked the villain.

No.

No what?

It's not his fault.

Yes. Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. You didn't have to tackle him. You've never needed such extreme measures before.

This time was different.

Why?

I'm not actually sure. It was just him and

Taking a stand had given James a pleasurable sensation of righteousness. And as long as he was at it…

Which him?

What? The Marauder.

You said there were two there.

Well, yes. Black was also there

He wondered if she knew how little sense that made.

And what's the other one's name?

It doesn't matter.

Yes, it damn well did! James slammed his hand on the bed.

Lily, tell me his name.

Why?

At long last, she got to ask that maddening question!

Because I don't know his name. There are four Marauders, correct?

Yes.

And I only know three of their names.

Are you sure? I thought I'd mentioned all of them. But what does this have to do with anything?

I'm positive. Take a look. I don't know the fourth one's name. Black, Lupin, Pettigrew and…

I still don't see the point of

He growled with frustration.

You did it again!

What?

Avoided writing his name.

I'm not avoiding it, I just don't understand why

What is his name?

Fine, it's Potter. James Potter.

Finally! He made an appearance! But now to figure out why the bloody hell it had taken so long.

Had I really never written that before?

No. I looked through all our entries.

There was a noticeable pause as she no doubt looked for herself.

That's remarkable.

I thought so.

That's so odd. I can't believe I've never written his name. Not that he deserves to have his name written, but still.

Why wouldn't you have?

I've no idea. This is just bizarre.

It couldn't be because you fancy him and you don't want to admit it, could it?

God no! Who do you take me for?

It had been worth a shot.

Just throwing out ideas.

I suppose I could just not have cared enough to.

No, I've asked you for it before, but you always brush it off.

Really?

It seemed that her interest in the omission took precedence over her uncontrollable rage over what had happened, a fact James was only to happy to take note of.

Yes, really. And you seem to have strong enough sentiments when it comes to Potter for it to not just be nothing.

When did you notice this?

Not too long ago. I've been trying to theorise, but I've come up with nothing.

I can't really think of anything.

Well, let's start by figuring out what you think about him exactly. And don't just give me a list of negative adjectives, either.

Oh, how he hoped she would give him an honest answer. James had been desperate for this opinion for ages.

Well, let's see. The first thing that pops to mind is that he is a callous bully, and I can't stand bullies.

Surely lots of people do that around you. Why is he different?

His foot took on a life of its own as it began to twitch madly in anticipation.

I'm not sure. Whenever I see him doing that stupid smirk while he's picking on someone, I feel like it is a crime against humanity to let him keep doing it.

A crime against humanity?

Yes. It's just unbearable for me to watch bullies.

Why? You don't seem to have a problem with pranking or anything similar.

It's

She paused.

I know what it's like to be bullied, so I empathise, I suppose.

James sat up straighter and stretched out the kink in his arm. All the essays over the past couple weeks had been murder on his hand.

Is that so? You were bullied?

In a fashion. Not like what Potter does, but it all causes pain.

Was she making this up?

When were you bullied?

Primary school. Derren Hanlon. Utter bastard.

If he wasn't like Potter, what did he do?

He didn't pick on me so much as my friend Darwin.

James snorted. Who named their kid Darwin?

Darwin was the sweetest boy you'd ever met. He was very small for his age, and he had these absurdly orange shoes. Derren loved to make fun of those shoes, but Darwin loved them. Such a ridiculous thing to mock, in hindsight, but at the time it was horrible. I hated watching it. It was always worse when Derren chose the physical route, though.

James' quill hovered over the parchment, his eyes transfixed on her words.

I thought you said you were bullied, too.

I was, just not nearly as much. It was different, the way he tormented me.

How do you mean?

Derren was very sadistic. He savoured watching Darwin's tears. Absolutely repulsive, the way he enjoyed others' pain. In fact, Potter rather reminds me of him in that respect.

Outrage swept over James. He was not like this Derren bloke, this bloke that had hurt Evans. Strangely, the anger was coupled with a need to hunt down Derren and make him regret messing with Evans.

How is he like Potter?

I thought it was obvious. They're both merciless.

Potter's that bad?

Oh, he is. They even have the exact same smirk. And I suppose their hair is rather similar.

James couldn't believe she was basing this comparison off of physical attributes.

But wait a minute. Her last sentence sounded familiar… He flipped back to the beginning of the entry.

Was it possible?

You mentioned that Potter called you a name.

He did.

And it is…

Ugh. Lilykins. There's another parallel for you, Roscoe. They both called me that infernal nickname.

No wonder she hated it! Darren or Derren or whoever it was had certainly left an impression on Evans. James had only called her that out of spite.

So Derren called you names instead of assaulting you?

Not exactly. With me, it was more emotional. He'd rough up Darwin right in front of me, and then he'd rub in how he wasn't going to get in any trouble for it.

James frowned.

Surely one of the adults did something.

That was Derren's big kick out of it - I wouldn't tell anyone.

Why not?

Another pause.

I suppose I was scared of him. He never hurt me in the way he did Darwin, but there was always the threat... So I never told anyone.

 No one?

The conversation had taken a recognisable turn.

No, and I really feel awful about that. Darwin moved away after a few years because of it. And I should have told someone. But I didn't. If I told after a certain point, someone would ask why I hadn't done it earlier. And I wouldn't have an answer.

Why didn't Darwin say anything?

He was more scared than I was.  And I think that if he told, someone would blame me for not telling. I'm positive he blames me. But he would never want to harm me, you know?

Lily, I'm sure he doesn't think you're to blame.

Well, this is exactly like with that pervy caretaker! I didn't tell!

James agreed with her, but to use her own phrase, it was different.

So you learned a lesson.

It was more... after Darwin moved away, I promised that I wouldn't let it happen again. And I haven't, not that I can think of.

James could think of several occasions.

What about with Potter?

What about him?

You tackled him today. And you've slapped him.

I have.

Couldn't you mark that under the Bullying column, if not at least the Unnecessary Violence column?

She didn't reply.

And don't tell me it's different, because it's not. I know I haven't met this Potter person, but no one deserves that treatment.

 A very long pause. He wondered if she'd left. Finally, she responded.

 It has to be different.

Lily, you've admitted you've been wrong before.

But never like this.

People make mistakes.

James certainly had.

You made an error in judgement.

Not entirely. He is still a ruthless bully.

He took in a slow breath.

Is that a fact, or you blaming him for Derren's errors?

I am not blaming him for Derren's

You are. Look at what you said earlier about the comparisons. They were all based on appearances.

Not all of them.

No?

No. Okay, here's an example. Potter started attacking some first-years so I would pay attention to him. Two random little girls. There is no justification for that. So maybe I was too mean to him, but he had some of that coming.

James vividly remembered the Slytherin girl episode; he rubbed at his neck. He really didn't think that was a fair assessment of the situation. There hadn't been any other way to catch her attention at that point. Then again, there still wasn't, but that was beside the point. James couldn't help himself around Evans. He just did things without thinking. Which was probably a bad idea, part of his mind argued, but it was like there was a haze that settled around his mind whenever Evans was near. He needed her to see him.

Who attacks first-year girls with pigtails?

I do! James yelled to himself. Then he realised how ridiculous that sounded. So maybe James himself wasn't perfect either.

Apparently, he does.

And that is why he is a terrible person.

Terrible?

Again, with the name-calling.

I know you probably think this is just me, but he is a bully through and through, and I can't forgive him for that, no matter how horrible I've been to him.

To be honest, James didn't know how to respond to that. He didn't think he classified as a bully; he was just having fun. And, of course, fighting Dark wizards, such as Snape.

What makes a person a bully?

He picks on people who are weaker, and not for defensive reasons.

James cringed. That sounded incriminating for him.

And I take it he meets that definition?

Without a doubt. I could make a list of more examples, if you'd like.

That won't be necessary.

James didn't need any help with that. He could think of plenty of things on his own. Memories he'd previously thought of with amusement... suddenly didn't seem so funny anymore.

You see, then? It's not all my fault.

She was right. For once. James was a bully, or at least he was to some. He wouldn't label himself 'a bully through and through', not by any means, but her words made him feel very, very small.

No, it really isn't. He did deserve some of that. But not all of it.

Maybe not.

Maybe you should apologise.

Are you kidding?

Too much, James decided.

He's the one that should apologise to every person he's ever made feel like the worst person in the world.

The way you describe him, that would be impossible.

Even so, it makes more sense than me apologising to him.

 James grudgingly gave her that point.

That might be true, but they're not mutually exclusive.

It doesn't matter. That just isn't happening. You should know that.

He supposed it would be too much to ask that of her, but he would gladly accept her treating him with some dignity in the future as a consolation prize.

I'll agree with that.

Good.

So what happens now?

You mean between me and Potter?

Yes.

Well, I'm not apologising, and he's not going to change. I think I'll just ignore him entirely.

James tiredly ran a hand through his mop of hair.

Even if he's bullying someone?

Good point. I'll just give him detention or dock points or something. No more violence.

Not an ideal situation at all, but for now, James was willing to settle for that.

That sounds like it should work out for you.

I hope so.

Are you feeling calmer?

I think so.

James knew more, but he still wasn't sure how he was faring.

Thanks for, well, I don't know, everything. You get me.

Not as much as she thought, James mused, but at the same time, more than she could possibly know.

It's my job.

All the same, I appreciate you being honest with me. And for giving good advice. And for just listening. You must be an extra special diary - if everyone had one like you, the world would be a much happier place.

James couldn't help but laugh, somehow managing to convey no mirth whatsoever.

That's a heavy compliment. Thank you.

I think I'll go to bed. Exams and all.

Oh, how did they go?

I'll tell you tomorrow. They're not that interesting.

All right. Good night.

She was gone - James knew that, but he simply sat there, staring at the text in front of him.

Lily Evans was… There was no defining word. Complicated didn't even begin to describe her. She was hypocritical and prejudiced and resentful and for Merlin's sake, she was confusing him with some ten year old boy, but it didn't matter - James still liked her.

He traced his fingers over her handwriting, even though her words were still fresh in his mind. She'd been terrified of Stoddard. She'd been terrified of Derren.

Was she afraid of him?

She was holding James responsible for some random person's actions - why wouldn't she transfer the sentiments that Derren bloke conjured up? It seemed logical, at least for Evans.

She feared him, then. She thought he would try to torture her or something equally ridiculous, when all the evidence pointed to him acting in her best interest.

Except this whole deception, his mind whispered.

He crushed the thought and focused on what he'd do now. Tonight had brought up a whole slew of new problems for him to deal with; James would have to come up with a new strategy.

At least, he thought, sliding his feet into bed and tucking the journal into its hiding place, she didn't hate him.