The Diary

Chapter Thirty - The Decision

Disclaimer: Sarah dreams of sauce. I dream of having a legal claim to Harry Potter.

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I knew you before the west was won
And I heard you say the past was much more fun
You go your way, I go mine
But I'll see you next time
“It's All Been Done” - Barenaked Ladies

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Previously:

Lily wandered down the train, glancing into the other compartments full of boisterous students devouring more than a healthy amount of sweets. On the ride at the beginning of the year, that had been her and Emily. Now it seemed like everything was ripe to break the détente they had created between them. Matilda had alluded to another friend - she didn't need anyone to tell her who that was - but Emily didn't know about Roscoe. Nobody did. But was it fair to blame Roscoe for the state of her and Emily's relationship?

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Good evening.

All right. You're not here. I need to write some of this down, but feel free to interrupt me at any time.

I forgot to tell you last time, but McGonagall pulled me into her office. I'm supposed to tell my parents about what happened with the caretaker. She said the school was afraid my parents would pull me out of Hogwarts if they didn't hear it explained properly, or something like that.

I know I should tell my parents, but what if they do decide to pull me out? I can't imagine not going to Hogwarts anymore, and despite my sister's loving views - more on her later - I like being a witch. I don't want to stop learning magic.

There is a chance my parents would get scared - stupid as it sounds, since it could really happen anywhere - so I've been wondering… Should I bother telling them?

It's not like they can do anything about it now. He's already been dealt with by the Ministry and everything. Only bad can really come out of them knowing, and I don't know if I want to risk it.

I really need your opinion on this. And other things, too, of course. Don't let me forget to tell you about Emily. Not that I really could forget something like that.

I hope we can talk soon.

Lily

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Hello.

Good evening. Sorry I wasn't here the other night.

It had only been two days living with Sirius Black, and already James and Sirius had had a minor spat. Sirius had wanted to room with James, but James had not forgotten how he liked to write to a certain someone every night. He'd told Sirius that he'd got used to having his own room, and that he liked his privacy, not once even hinting at the biggest reason. Sirius had been upset, but he'd eventually given in.

Regardless of their separate rooms, Sirius had still taken to hanging around James every waking moment. No matter how James thought about it, though, there didn't seem to be a way out. He couldn't very well tell Sirius to bugger off for an hour or two at the beginning of each evening. For now, though, he'd do what he always did in times of need: go along and pretend he knew what he was doing. He'd managed to convince Sirius that yes, he really was too tired for another round of Exploding Snap, and run off to his room, hoping to Merlin that Evans would be there. As luck would have it, she was.

It's nothing.

You're obviously preoccupied. Have you made your decision about your parents?

I'm still undecided.

Well, if you want my opinion…

Which I do, of course.

He smirked at the pages. It brought him immense - although slightly guilty - satisfaction to see her feelings put so bluntly.

You shouldn't tell them.

You think?

If it really means that much to you, to not risk Hogwarts, then don't tell them.

In all fairness, James knew he was being rather selfish. While not being at Hogwarts was a terrifying thought, being there and not seeing Evans on a daily basis was quite possibly equally horrifying.

Like you said, there're incapable of doing anything, besides perhaps giving you some sort of pep talk.

You make a very good point.

I thought so.

All right. I don't think I'm telling them.

A weight lifted off of James' chest.

I'm supposed to remind you about Emily or Matilda.

Evans' message had been rather cryptic. James hadn't heard about Emily in some time, and she simply didn't cross his mind that frequently unless she had a Quaffle in hand.

Oh, right. On the way home from Hogwarts, Matilda cornered me and essentially said I'd been terrible to Emily. She said she's been Emily's go-to person lately and that I need to shape up. Then Diana went on about how I must have a secret boyfriend or something, which is completely ridiculous as I've only been talking to you.

I don't count as a boyfriend?

Thoughts like that seemed to enjoy popping into his head from time to time, and he couldn't help but voice this one.

Things wouldn't work out between us.

It's because I'm inanimate, isn't it?

Mostly, yes.

Mostly?

Entirely.

Honestly, James had not been anticipating such an offhand response. Well, as long as she was playing along…

So if I were a real person, you'd date me.

Maybe. It's weird to think about, really. You know me too well.

For once, his mind caught up with itself, stopping him from possibly going too far. He didn't know when he'd next be able to write her, so it probably wasn't in his best interest to push her into leaving without getting to the issue at hand.

Emily.

Right. Got off track. I thought about what Matilda and Diana said, and I agree. I'm losing Emily.

Because of me?

Well, more or less… Yes.

I see.

Not that I don't love talking to you.

James' heart soared.

I think I need to

What?

Stop writing. Just for a while! And not entirely. Just less frequently.

There didn't seem to be an easy way to answer that. It wasn't what James wanted to hear, but then again, it might also prove useful in his predicament with Sirius. If Evans wasn't writing to him on a nightly basis, he wouldn't have to give excuses to his best friend.

Are you breaking up with me?

I see you don't care at all. All right. I understand. No more writing. At all.

Not ever? I think you're bluffing.

You don't think I can do it?

I don't.

He bet she was as addicted as he was. Not writing was not the ideal way to spend a summer, but if it made things easier, James was all for it.

You're right. I couldn't. You're too much fun.

Excellent. My plan has worked perfectly.

Which plan is this? The plan to gain my trust and make me dependent?

Er, of course not.

Lies, he thought, were so much easier to write on paper. Though, truth be told, he'd really only been originally aiming for the former.

You're so transparent.

Not my fault.

Oh, right. Nothing's your fault. Ever.

Blame the manufacturer.

Oh, if only he could use that excuse with McGonagall.

I will write them a strongly worded letter

Fantastic. Dear company, My pages are transparent. How dare you. Love, Lily.

They'd think I was mental.

Well, you are.

Perhaps, but let's keep that our little secret.

Of course.

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There had to be something inherently wrong with Petunia. Lily wasn't sure if she'd be able to pinpoint the exact source of her sister's problem, but the symptoms were undeniable. It had got to the point where Lily was forced to go all the way into town to fetch new carrots because the ones at home were too crooked for her sister's liking; Petunia was apparently incapable of making a salad with bendy carrots. It was absurd, but then Lily's mother had found reason for Lily to go anyway - her father had left his lunch at home, and he couldn't be bothered to get takeaway. So, with a dramatic slam of the door, Lily had left her home in order to make a hopefully very short trip into the local commercial district.

Afraid her mother would send her back if she purposely returned with the most mangled carrots possible, Lily carefully inspected every carrot for maximum desirability, and then threw in an infectious-looking carrot for good measure.

Once in the queue, she realised she still had her dad's lunch bag in hand. What if the cashier believed her to be stealing something? That would be uncomfortable. But she couldn't very well hide the bag under her shirt or anything. Tempting as that was, it seemed ridiculous, even to her. Of course, Lily could have dropped the lunch off first, but she had carefully timed her departure so that she would arrive in the office a good ten minutes after one. Her father, demanding as he was, always allowed the employees in the front of the shop to go on break from one until two. By arriving after the scheduled departure time, Lily was positive she would be able to avoid Jordan.

Jordan Flory, Lily's summertime nuisance, was a tall, lean boy with square glasses and quite possibly the most obnoxious personality on the planet. One of her co-workers, he took great pleasure in informing Lily of every possible thing he had ever done. He talked incessantly, and for some inexplicable reason, he had decided that summer to pester Lily more than usual. Emily, to whom Lily had moaned over the phone, took great pleasure in announcing that he was clearly infatuated with her.

Lily responded by promising to hit Emily over the head with the nearest blunt object the next time they met.

In any case, Lily mused as she stepped forward in the queue, dropping her bag of carrots in front of the cashier, she really had no interest in being around him whatsoever. If that meant she had to endure questions about the unmarked lunch bag, so be it.

She snapped out of her thoughts when the cashier told her how much the carrots cost. It was only then that she actually looked at the worker - a brown-haired boy, a few inches taller than herself, and seemingly around her age. She took in his appearance automatically, but her eyes focused in on his eyebrows. One of them - his left, to be precise - was missing a portion. It arched over his eye, but just inside the outer edge, there was a patch of skin.

Normally she wasn't one to gawk, and the reasonable portion of her mind insisted it wasn't such a big deal, but her eyes refused to move. When she finally did manage to get them to meet his own olive green eyes, she noticed that her face had become rather heated, and she was so suddenly absorbed in this boy's face that she didn't hear what he was saying.

“Are you all right?” asked a quiet voice. It was coming from right in front of her. In fact, it was coming from the face she was examining.

“Yes!” Lily half-shouted once she realised she had been so blatantly out of it. “Sorry, it's a bit warm out today,” she told him, unsure of where that response had come from. “How much did you say it was?”

She hoped to God he didn't ask about the lunch bag. She couldn't tolerate any more embarrassment, and her face felt on fire. She'd been so rude, gaping at him like a child in a toy store! Thankfully, he repeated the price calmly, and as soon as the change was in her hand, Lily sped to the exit, still mortified. Within seconds she had bounded across the street and into her family's bookshop, where she dashed into the back to collapse into a chair.

“Just run a marathon, have you?”

Lily's eyes snapped shut as her face contorted into a grimace. Forcing herself to relax, Lily swivelled her head around to see no other than the person she'd been trying to avoid.

“Jordan,” she said evenly. He was such an irritant, not to mention he was supposed to be on break. “I'm just here to drop something off, then I'll be on my way.” Hoping he wouldn't follow, she stood and went to knock on her dad's office.

“Come in!”

Without waiting for an invitation, Jordan followed Lily into the office.

“Still here, Jordan?” Michael Evans looked up from the papers in his hand.

“Some customers wanted my advice on travel books,” Jordan responded, giving Lily a sideways glance. “I'm just on my way out now.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Here,” she said, dropping the bag on the desk, “Mum says you shouldn't work late tonight because Petunia is cooking.”

“You're not busy right now, are you?” her dad asked, suspiciously polite.

“I have some chores to do at home,” she lied. If Lily knew her dad, he was leading up to the obvious.

“You can do them later,” he said with a dismissive wave of the hand. “Take over for Jordan in front.”

“I'm not even supposed to be here today,” she replied, trying to muster as much obsequiousness as possible. “I'd really rather go home.”

Her dad sent her a placating smile. “Put those carrots in the break room and go out front, dear.”

Fully aware that Jordan had just been treated to this rather humiliating play, Lily spun around and headed for the front. Trust Jordan to ruin her day. He was almost as bad as Potter sometimes. She told her mind to change the subject, but it jumped to the incident at the supermarket, and she wasn't eager to relive that any time soon.

“I didn't mean to make you work. Those customers were so impressed that I know French and German,” Jordan said, falling into step beside Lily. For once she was thankful that he was so exasperating because it kept her from thinking about that boy.

“Not Spanish?” she prompted. She took her place behind the front counter and leaned forward on it, her hands splayed out in front of her.

“That's next on my list, as a matter of fact.” He grinned at her.

“How interesting.” She'd forgotten that while Jordan kept her mind off other things, he was still mind-numbingly boring. “Aren't you on break?”

“I am, but I'll be back soon to keep you company.”

“I can't wait.”

Jordan departed with a wave, leaving Lily to scan the shop for customers. There was an old woman in the fiction section, but other than that, the place was empty. Which meant Lily's mind wandered, eventually settling on remembering her of her stupidity across the street. She really had handled it horribly. The poor boy probably thought she was challenged, and that was a shame, since he appeared to be very nice.

No matter what she did, whenever the boy crossed her mind, all she could think about was his eyebrow. And while that was so utterly ridiculous in theory, in practice it kept Lily occupied for the fifteen minutes of freedom she had before Jordan returned. Fifteen minutes spent pondering why someone would have a missing part of his eyebrow. It was a lovely eyebrow, but she couldn't help wonder if there was a story behind it, or if it was simply how he was born. Would it be rude to ask? Probably.

“Miss me?”

“Like a fish misses his bicycle,” Lily mumbled.

“You're witty, but I bet I could beat you,” Jordan announced as he set his lunch down. He hopped up to sit on the counter and peeled back the lid to reveal tomato soup. Lily found it to be a fitting meal: it was as bland as he was.

Lily chose not to respond, instead focusing her gaze through the storefront window and over to the supermarket. What time did he get off? She really should've checked his nametag. Referring to him as a generic noun felt wrong.

“So.” Jordan cleared his throat. “Are there lots of good-looking blokes at your school?”

“Plenty.”

“Have any of them snagged you yet?”

“You use such charming terminology.” Emily was going to love hearing about this conversation.

“Well?” He dug a spoon out of his pocket and began slurping his soup quite noisily. “I had a few girlfriends last year. None of them had red hair, but I did date a lovely blonde girl. Boy, was she fit.”

“I'm sure.” Lily wanted to grab his soup and splash it in his face.

“So, do you have a boyfriend?” he asked bluntly.

“I don't, no,” Lily replied, aloof. “And I'm not interested, either.”

“Shame. You're a prettier bird than my old one.”

“It's so nice to have your approval.” Lily threw as much disdain into her tone as possible. “If you're going to sit up here, you might as well tend the register so I can leave. Goodbye.”

Without waiting for a response, she marched with her head held high into the back, where she retrieved her carrots and tossed a farewell to her father before departing for home.

On the way out the door, she decided if Petunia needed carrots, she'd likely need tomatoes, as well, and so it was worth her effort to stop by the supermarket once more.

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The following morning, Lily was actually scheduled to work. While she was making herself a cup of tea, Petunia wandered in and cast her a dirty look.

Lily pointedly looked at the kettle and let out a massive sigh. “This is so much easier when you have a wand.”

She glanced at her sister, who stiffened and whispered harshly, “Don't ever bring up that around me.”

“You mean magic?” Lily asked innocently, smirking.

Petunia's eyes narrowed to slits. “Freak.”

“You know, Petunia,” Lily said, giving her sister a hard look, “some day I'll be of age, and I don't know if I'll be able to control my freakishness around you.”

Petunia narrowed her eyes. “Don't worry, I'd never choose to be around you. As soon as I get married, I'll never have to see you again.”

“Then you'd better hurry up,” Lily retorted. “Freaks come of age at seventeen, not eighteen.” She took a savage pleasure in the way her sister's face went just the slightest bit pale. Petunia abruptly stood up and exited the kitchen, leaving Lily alone to savour her victory.

Thirty minutes later, she was standing behind the familiar register, wishing her left ear would go deaf. Jordan had started to discuss his passion for comic books. How on earth anyone with that level of adoration for Wonder Woman had got himself a girlfriend was beyond Lily.

“You see, most people think that Wonder Woman always had super powers. In actual fact, she surrendered her powers at the beginning of the decade to remain in Man World. My sister thinks it was because she was in love with Steve Trevor, but I like to think that she had other reasons. Higher ideals, if you will.”

Lily rolled her eyes and stared out the window again. The supermarket boy would never prattle on and on about such an inane topic.

“Do shut up, Jordan,” said a cheerful voice. Lily had to check to make sure it hadn't come out of her own mouth. She looked up into the face of none other than her best friend.

“Emily!” she exclaimed. “What're you doing here?”

“Saving you from death by boredom, no doubt.” Emily grinned ruefully. “And I brought Tina, but she probably won't surface from the shelves for a good couple hours.”

Tina, Emily's younger sister, was a fiercely independent girl who could read faster than anyone Lily had ever met. For her age, she was startlingly intelligent, but she was also very quiet and disliked talking to strangers, especially those of her own age. She strongly resisted any prying done by Emily into her personal life.

“How'd you get here?” Normally Emily would have her parents Apparate her over, and then their parents would chat about the struggles of raising teenage daughters.

After a sharp look in Jordan's direction, Emily replied, “The bus.”

Lily nodded with understanding, then turned to Jordan. “If you were polite, you'd leave now.”

“And what if I'm not?” he challenged.

“Then I'll have to force you to be,” Emily said lightly.

“I'm not scared of you.” Jordan crossed his arms over his chest.

“You should be. I have this mental deficiency where I have absolutely no morals,” Emily told him.

“It's true. She's been suspended countless times. It's a wonder she's still in school,” Lily added.

Emily continued, “Besides, it's chauvinistic of you to assume that because I'm a girl I'm incapable of harming you. You really don't support Wonder Woman's ideals all that much.”

Jordan stared at Emily, dumbstruck. He scrunched his face up, waited a moment, and then, surprisingly, disappeared into the back without another word.

“Have I mentioned you're the coolest best friend ever?” Lily remarked.

“Not recently, no.”

“Careful, though. He asked me if I had a boyfriend yesterday. If you get too involved, you might have him pining after you, and then I'll be awkwardly caught in the middle.”

Emily shuddered. “I don't even know who this Wonder Woman is.”

“Comic book character. She wears few enough clothes that I suspect she's freezing most of the time.”

Emily raised her eyebrows. “So, did you tell him you've had plenty of boys chasing after you?”

“I didn't, as a matter of fact. It's none of his business.” Lily's gaze drifted out the storefront window.

“Is it wrong that I do want Jordan to pine after me, just so I can send Rob after him?” Emily asked no one in particular.

“Well, as you are lacking in morals, it's not really your fault. And I have to admit that I wouldn't object to seeing Jordan under a Jelly Legs Jinx.”

“One of the perks of dating Rob.”

Lily bit her lip. Emily was broaching a topic that had been spinning around in her head, but it still felt strange to ask. It was Emily or Roscoe, though, and regardless of her goal to be a better friend to Emily, she was simply more comfortable asking someone who actually had experience in the matter. “Is it nice?” she forced out.

“Is what nice?”

“Having a… boyfriend.” Lily inspected the register for dust, then sneaked a glance at her friend.

Emily eyed Lily for a moment and took her time formulating a response. “It's a lot of work. You have to make an effort to keep up the relationship, but that's true with friends, too. It's also a lot of fun, and it is nice to have someone of your own, which sounds stupid, but…”

Lily nodded mutely.

“Have someone in mind?”

She was horrified when she felt a blush creeping up onto her face.

“You do, then,” Emily declared.

“Quiet!” Lily hissed. “Jordan'll hear you!”

“Tina's the only one in the store, and she definitely doesn't care.”

“He might be listening in!”

“You're still not denying it.”

“Well, that's because…” Lily checked around to make sure Tina was hidden away. “There is someone.”

“Don't keep me in suspense - what's his name?” Emily eagerly leaned across the counter.

“I don't know.”

Emily's eyebrows furrowed. “You don't know?”

“I've only seen him once,” Lily confessed. As long as she was talking to Emily, she might as well let it all out.

Standing up straight, Emily let out a hearty laugh. “I wasn't expecting that, but all right.”

“He works at the supermarket,” Lily said with a glance across the street.

“When did this happen?”

“Yesterday.”

“This is priceless.”

“Shut up.”

Emily grinned. “What's he look like?”

Lily sent her a glare before answering, “He's tall. Brown hair, green eyes. Nice smile. Thinks I'm an idiot.”

Emily's mouth quirked. “Keep talking.”

Lily quickly recounted the incident involving the carrots. “I went back later,” she explained, “to try to convince him I'm not that dim, but he wasn't there.”

“You're going again today, aren't you?”

She avoided meeting her friend's eyes. “I might have a grocery list in my pocket.”

Emily all but clapped her hands with glee. “You have to call me if he's working!”

“Why are you so excited about this?”

“It's… it's you.” She quickly amended, “Not that that's bad, it's just surprising.”

“I know.” Lily slumped over to cradle her chin in her hand. “I don't like it.”

That prompted a large guffaw out of Emily. “No one ever does.”

“Will it go away if I ignore it?”

“No.”

“Damn.”

“Cursing is for those with nothing better to say,” Tina announced, dropping a heavy stack of books on the counter.

Emily beamed down at her sister. “Only four today?”

Tina blinked. “They're denser than fiction, and you can't afford it,” she said blandly.

A tight smile formed on Emily's face. “Aren't you adorable.” She turned back to Lily. “Ring her up, then. And make sure you call me if he's there.”

Sighing, Lily said, “You know full well you're the only person I have to call.”

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Of course, Lily soon remembered, there was someone else with whom she might discuss the boy, although she technically didn't call Roscoe on the telephone.

As it turned out, Lily's forethought that morning had been in vain - he hadn't been at the register. A small part of her mind wondered if he was only a figment of her imagination. Still, she held out hope, and she'd conveniently forgotten to purchase milk.

While her plan to reconcile things with Emily was working out well, Lily still wanted Roscoe's input on the matter.

Hello?

She waited for a few minutes in the hopes that Roscoe would make an appearance.

Hello!

Oh good, you're here.

I thought we weren't writing that frequently.

We aren't. But it's been a week, and I missed you.

Addicted.

Yes. And there's a lot going on.

Have you been talking to Emily about it?

I have, but I felt you should at least be kept up to speed.

How generous of you.

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Sirius thought he was in the bathroom, but James had made it a nightly habit to check for Evans. He cast a strong locking charm at the door and wished with all his might that Sirius would wait a while before coming looking for him.

I do have an appointment in a bit.

If you don't have time, I can wait.

No, no, I'm here.

If you're sure.

I am.

Okay. Well, there's this obnoxious boy at work. I think he's fallen for Emily. Or me. Or possibly both, which would be revolting, but that's the type of person he is.

He's bad enough to warrant an entry of his own?

Not really.

Are things okay with Emily?

They are. She came and visited me at work today, and she made a complete fool out of Jordan. It's one of my new favourite memories.

Part of James wished that he'd been the one to triumph over Jordan, but unfortunately he was stuck at home with Sirius, which was definitely not as appealing.

The reminder of his own best friend sent his pulse racing. He really did need to hurry it up.

Anything pressing?

There's Petunia, but I wouldn't classify her as an urgent topic, and there's something that happened yesterday.

Yes?

James' head perked up at a noise, but it was just a bird outside his window.

I met a boy. And I think I might possibly fancy him a little bit.

You fancy him?

It was as though his insides had been spelled out of him, James felt so hollow.

I do.

Who is it?

“Prongs?”

James turned to the door. Oh, fuck.