THE LONG ROAD HOME
Chapter 1: Hermione
OH…all of the breath has just left me. I've found him. It's a quarter of twelve midnight and I'm outside in my pyjamas. I've searched all over for him. I should've known where to look. It's pitch dark out, and the chilly wind makes it even colder that it really is, but not cold enough to turn this dreary drizzling December rain into snow. I'm standing some twenty meters away, and even from here I can see he's in agony. He's sitting on the edge of the lake, the moonlight bathing him and only him in a lonely dim glow; he's all I ever see anyway. The misty rain that has settled on his head has turned his black hair glossy. His glasses seem to have long been discarded beside him. I know the wet rivulets running down his cheeks have more to do with tears than with the weather. He must've been out here for some time, as his shirt is damp and formed to his upper body. Not for the first time, and somewhat to my shame, I'm noticing how tall and sturdy he's become. He's no longer my boyhood friend. He's rapidly becoming a man. More to the point, he's becoming the man I want to be with more than anything.
This thought alone is enough to tear me apart, and yet I'm ripped even further as I watch him listlessly pick blades of grass and let the wind blow them from his hand. He hurts. I'm probably the only one who knows how badly he hurts. He won't cry in front of anyone, much less Ron and I. He can't, can he? It's us he's supposed to be the strongest for. After all, Ron and I are the ones he would truly die to protect.
We're closest to him; we love him the most. And no one else truly knows him. To them, he's the boy who lived. The boy who's interminably strong and sure. The boy who was born to save the entire wizarding and muggle world. Trouble is they've all forgotten he's still just a boy.
I have to just stand for a few moments to gather my wits about me before I go near him. Because even in the darkness, surrounded by a dull, wintry night; to me he shines.
Gods…My throat is aching and burning for me to let the emotion out, to be able to sob and scream and finally release it, not only the agony I feel for him, but also the torture I feel every time I want to touch him; to be with him. But that would be selfish. He hurts for something far worse. He's lost the only father figure he's truly ever had; the only man Harry's ever considered being real family.
On top of it all, I could never sabotage Harry's friendship and mine. If I confessed to him how I feel and he didn't return it, the awkwardness left behind would be devastating to us. Though I feel I can't live without him, I know neither of us could live without the other's friendship. I know I'd die without Harry beside me, and if all I can have is friendship with him, it will have to be enough.
So he'll never know how I have to catch my breath every time he looks at me with those eyes of sea glass green…never know how a little more of me dies every time I see him talking with another girl…how my heart feels like it's about to explode out of my chest every time he smiles at me…how somehow I feel I could die happy right then when I'm in his arms; be it a simple hug or a friendly dance. Sometimes I want to cry out so badly that I love him, that I need him, that I want him so desperately; and I think surely this time my throat will keep constricting until it strangles me. I think surely he must see how much I love him every time he looks at me. How can I help but wear my heart in my eyes when he's always in my line of vision?
ALWAYS…even when he's not there. He's all I'll ever see. Some day I'm going to die with the knowledge of it.
I know in a moment he'll turn and see me approaching him. I'll know in a few moments whether or not he wants to be alone. I can see it in his eyes. However, I know Harry better than he knows himself. He needs me…I just wish he needed me as much as I need him…
Chapter 2: Harry
I know they must be furious with me, especially Ron. Here I've gone and snuck out again in the middle of the night. I know he keeps one eye open for me nowadays, but I think I finally did catch him sleeping. Sometimes I just need to get away from everything and everyone and gather my thoughts. Even though it's dark and quiet in our dorm, somehow I feel stifled.
The darkness and weather suit me. I don't feel as if I deserve anything more. How can I sleep in a warm bed when Sirius sleeps in the ground? How can I go on with schoolwork, Quidditch, tests, laughter and friends when Sirius will never get to experience even one iota of being again? It's my fault he died. In a way, my real father and mother died because of me as well.
If Sirius hadn't had to leave Grimmauld Place to come to my rescue, he would still be alive.
I always think I know best, don't I? I always have to go running off to the next adventure. Only this time, my heroics cost Sirius his life. My own shortcomings cost the closest thing I had left to a father his life. And I'm finding it harder and harder to live with myself because of it.
Now, I fear something I've never thought to fear before. Who else's might I destroy? Who else will have to die because of something I've done…or even because of who I am? I can only think of two others close enough to me for me to cause that type of damage to, and I'd rather kill myself than cause them one ounce of it. It's the reason I'm sitting out here tonight; the reason I've been distancing myself from them. I have to decide what to do. I can't let Voldemort hurt anyone else and if I stay at Hogwarts, near Ron and Hermione, I give him more reason to do just that. After all, how many others has he killed to get to me? My parents, Cedric, and now Sirius. He'll think nothing of destroying Ron and Hermione on the way to me. And it's Hermione that always gives me pause…
It's only the thought of her that makes me smile nowadays. She's the reason I haven't left yet. I'm still trying to draw the strength to do it; I'm just not sure how I'll live without her.
Before her, I was like a fish out of water; surrounded by oxygen but with no way to take it in. Hermione helps me breathe. She gives me life.
Just being near her, finding little excuses to touch her… Even though I know we'll only ever be friends, it's only the times when I'm with her that I feel alive anymore.
At least I have my daydreams. Sometimes I think I see it…Sometimes it almost feels very real…
I imagine that she loves me in return. My fancy fools me into thinking that when I look down into that beautiful face I see much more than friendship staring back at me. I delude myself when we dance together; that it's her desire for me that makes her press into me so tightly…moulding her body into mine like it was meant to fit there. I know I'm betraying my own heart, but I imagine that when she sits up all night by the common room fire, waiting for me to come back (as she's the only one who knows of my nightly retreats), it's because she loves me so much.
But how could she? And even if she did, how could I let her?
Something just cracked behind me… Gods…Hermione…
Chapter 3: Together
"You realise I could've just killed you, don't you?" Harry cried out anxiously as he quickly dropped his wand to his side.
Hermione stopped in her tracks and her face crumpled a bit.
Harry softened his voice. " 'Mione, I'm sorry."
He reached a hand out and beckoned for her to sit beside him, and Hermione took his offer, but instead chose to sit opposite him. She folded her robe beneath her and drew her knees up to her chest, resting her chin atop them.
They sat and stared at each other for a while, near, but so much farther away from the other than they ached to be that loneliness stole in like a spectre between them; unseen and yet wholly there.
Hermione felt the familiar tightness in her chest as she studied Harry's form before her. He was so close that this time it threatened to consume her…
It was she that spoke first, in a voice tight with restrained emotion. "Harry… What are you doing?"
Harry studied her for a moment and then sighed, looking down and rubbing his eyes tiredly with the heels of his hands. "I just needed to think."
Hermione replied so quietly that it could've been a whisper. "That's not what I mean…and I think you know it."
Harry froze suddenly, but though his body stopped moving, his mind was a chaos of swirling thoughts. He kept his eyes averted towards the ground as he knew she could read them…she always could. When he spoke he made sure he kept his voice carefully neutral.
"I…don't know what you're on about…I've just needed time to gather my thoughts is all…"
"Please don't…"
Harry looked up at once, his heart instantly torn in two at the sound of the pain choking her voice. He finally noticed that she'd been crying as well, and by Merlin did he hate it when she'd been crying. More often than not, he usually pressed her to find out who had done what, and then went off frenetically to exact his own unique type of rough revenge on them…Harry Potter style. It only took a few rumoured times for most of the school to learn not to plague Hermione Granger in any way. However, this time, he knew it was he who'd done it.
Harry swallowed hard and reached a hand out to her to touch her face but she pulled back quickly as if his fingers had burned her; her face turned from him and screwed up in an attempt to control herself. But tears flowed freely down her cheeks.
"Please don't lie to me, Harry."
Harry clawed a hand roughly through his hair. "Hermione, please don't cry…gods, please…I'll give anything to make it right…"
"That's just it Harry," said Hermione suddenly, with a strong voice that trembled with emotion. She looked up at him and swiped the tears from her cheeks. "You can't make everything right! You can't control everything, or everyone! And you won't make anything right by avoiding Ron and I! You can't keep punishing yourself for what someone else chose to do! And you can't keep thinking that you'll be better off on your own!"
Harry winced. He'd hoped he wouldn't have to make her understand, but once again she knew him too well…knew how his brain worked. Yet she was missing one important thing. If he were no longer near them, perhaps Voldemort wouldn't target them…
Harry reached out to her again and ran his fingers down her cheek, brushing her hair aside, but this time she grabbed his hand, holding it to her cheek as if it were a lifeline. The torment of wanting to hold her and not being able to made him feel like his stomach were being turned inside out. Great gods…how much he wanted to grab her and crush her to him, to hold her so close that he might somehow be able to make her a part of him. However, that was an unneeded point. She already was his heart and soul.
" 'Mione…I don't mean to hurt you. That's the last thing I ever want to do, but I've thought and thought on this. I can't let Voldemort harm anyone else because of me. He wants me and me alone…" Hermione opened her mouth to protest, but Harry held up a hand. "No, you know it's true! My parents, Cedric, Sirius…they all died because he wanted to get to me. I…I can't let the same happen to you…or Ron. I won't sit here and be selfish staying close to you two while keeping your lives in danger every day…"
"Harry, Ron and I CHOOSE to be near you, don't you understand!?" cried Hermione angrily, thumping the ground with her fist. "Voldemort knows we love you! He won't keep from us just because you've gone! He'll know why you're doing it!"
"I know!" said Harry in frustration, half rising. "But it's either stay here and draw him near you or leave and draw him away! With me gone he won't bother with you two! He'll just come for me!"
"And you think Ron and I will just sit by and watch you do it, do you!?" yelled Hermione, not caring if her voice might carry as they were far enough away from the castle. "You think I'll just sit by and let you run off to face Voldemort on your own, is that it!?"
Harry stood then and hardened his voice as much as he could. "You won't have a choice."
Hermione stood as well and came almost nose to nose with him, although it was more like nose to chest. "Oh, I'll have a choice, Potter. You may have gone against Voldemort countless times, and you may be bigger than me, but I can still throw a disablement charm with the best of them!"
Harry stared at her for a moment and then backed from her for fear of letting his feelings show. "Hermione…Voldemort knows I love you and Ron. And that's why I have to go."
He turned his back to her, and Hermione grabbed at the front of her robes anxiously, biting her lip and trying frantically to think what to say to him. Didn't he know it wouldn't make a difference where he went? Didn't he know that since Voldemort knew of his relationship with Ron and she that the point was moot anyway? Moreover, didn't he know that neither of them would sit idly by while he rode off like a white knight on his horse to fight the evil dragon? No. She would NOT let this happen.
"If you go I'll follow you," she blurted out finally.
Harry turned back round to stare at her. "What?"
Hermione swallowed hard. "You heard me. As soon as you leave, thinking we're all safe and far away from you, I'll be on your trail."
" 'Mione, don't…"
She stepped closer to him, tears now streaming down her face and balled her hands into fists. "I WILL! I won't let you leave me because of some stupid noble fancy you have, Harry! I won't let you!"
Harry balled up his own hands and strode closer to her. "And I won't stay here just to be near you! I won't let you risk your life just for me! …"
"IT'S MY CHOICE!" sobbed Hermione aloud, close enough now that she pounded her fists into his chest with every word. "You're not going to push me away because of some…misguided nobility…!"
"You don't know what you're talking about!" yelled Harry.
"And you're leaving has nothing to do with me Harry Potter! It has everything to do with you're damn hero complex and it won't do any…"
"IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!" yelled Harry frantically, grabbing her shoulders and giving her a rough shake. "I LOVE YOU, DON'T YOU GET IT!?"
Hermione, with widened eyes, stopped immediately and was only able to put a hand to her mouth to stifle a shocked sob. Harry's chest heaved with frustration and he realised for the first time that he'd been crying. He clawed a hand viciously through his hair before turning again to pull Hermione's hand from her mouth and place his hands on either side of her face. His voice was thick with emotion.
"I do, Hermione." He swiped angrily at the tears slipping down his face. "I love you so much and now I've ruined everything…We're ruined."
Hermione shakily put her hands to his face and pulled him closer to her, her lips so near his that he could almost taste her…
"You silly git…"
She closed her eyes and pressed trembling lips to his, and suddenly the carefully constructed wall that had been built between them came crashing down. It only took a second for Harry's senses to catch up with what was happening, and in that moment of clarity, he grabbed her to him, pressing his mouth to hers hungrily, moulding her to him, tasting her with his tongue, his hands splayed against her back and lower, touching her…wanting her…needing her…
Gods…Never in her wildest fantasies had Harry ever been so real. He surrounded her, filling every empty space. His scent seemed borne on the breeze so much so that it was all she could take in. His hands, his mouth, his tongue, each one sought to explore all of her, and she wanted it. All of him. His hair was so soft tangled between her fingers, his back so broad and his chest so deliciously firm as she drew a hand down and then back up under the black fabric of his favourite jumper…Her heart threatened to jump out of her skin as he did the same…
Harry could fight against it no longer and with a muffled low sob of defeat he took her down to the wet ground with him and rolled on top of her. Every longing gaze, every light brush, every 'friendly' hug and lingering touch was converging to a head in this moment. Her skin was so soft to the touch, her eyelashes so long against her cheeks as her eyes closed, her neck so long and graceful as his lips explored it, trailing their way towards an ear and then back down towards the exposed area of her buttoned down night-shirt…
Both vaguely realised that they'd been crying and sat up finally, unable to stop touching each other's faces.
"You don't know how long I waited to hear those words from you," whispered Hermione.
Harry smiled tenderly. "Probably as long as I wanted to tell you. I do love you, Hermione."
"I love you so much. I think I always have." She smiled back but then unexpectedly grabbed a handful of his jumper and brought his face close to hers. "Promise you won't leave. Promise you won't run away while I'm not looking. Harry, it won't matter where you go, nothing will change."
Harry pulled Hermione to her feet and grabbed her into a tight hug. "I couldn't now even if I wanted to. I have someone I want to live for." He sighed into her hair and kissed the crown of her head. "It's been a long road home."
Hermione looked up at him sadly and gave him a soft kiss. "Hogwarts has been the only home you've ever known, hasn't it?"
"No," said Harry gazing down on Hermione with an expression that took her breath away. "You have. And I've finally made it."
The end. =0)