Author's Note: I adored writing this fic. I'm going to be conceited and say its my favourite. The idea came whilst slightly tipsy and smoking. My first attempt at anything resembling smut. The characters aren't mine, the entire wizarding world isn't mine either they both have JK Rowling nametags and the song (Even When I'm Sleeping) at the end belongs to Leonardo's Bride.
I gently step into the room located high in the west tower. I knew I would find Harry here. I always do. It was his place of solitude, where he went when he wanted peace and where I knew to find him. I gently push the door closed behind me causing the latch to click shut.
I stand there a second surveying Harry sitting on the windowsill leaning back into the wall with one leg bent the other dangling down beside the wall. His hand moves to his mouth and he sucks desperately on his cigarette. He leans his head back against the wall as he exhales, the smoke curling out the open window.
Taking a short breath I walk over to him taking a seat at his foot on the windowsill. Wordlessly he offers me the pack of cigarettes and a lighter not looking at me as he does so. Instead he stares into the night as if hoping the ink sky could solve all his problems. Knowing he will talk when he is ready I accept his offer leaning back against the opposite ledge of the window so I can study his face.
I take my first drag and am immediately pulled back to the first time I discovered Harry in this very room.
Entering the room I was just looking for somewhere to escape to. Somewhere where no one would bother me. Where I could think on my own without a certain someone asking if I was okay every two seconds.
Closing the door I was shocked to find Harry sitting on the window sill leg bent, the other dangling, his back against the wall, emerald eyes staring at me intently. He held no expression, his face eerily blank and closed off. His eyes however were pulling me, pleading with me not to leave.
All my problems were immediately forgotten as something about Harry made me just know that I needed to stay there with him. Silently I entered the room and sat across from him leaning against the wall. It was only then I realised that he had a cigarette in his hand.
Curious I leant over and took it from him. Cautiously I brought the stick to my mouth. I had smoked before but only Muggle cigarettes at parties with old school friends. This was the wizarding world; I had no idea what wizards may have laced them with. To my surprise it was clean. A perfectly normal Muggle cigarette.
Noticing my inquisitive look Harry took the smoke back before he started to explain. Desperately he sucked on the end of the stick trying to delay the explanation, not wanting words to come from his mouth.
"They're how I cope." Spoken like a true nicotine junkie.
It still doesn't help me any with why he is sitting here smoking muggle cigarettes whilst I assumed the wizarding world had a lot more to offer; maybe ones that didn't cause cancer. "Its like -" he breaks off searching for the right words. "Sometimes I get just a bit overwhelmed."
I nod waiting for him to go on.
"Not just with Voldemort but the entire wizard bit. Everyone wanting a piece of me, expecting me to save their world. These," Harry held up the entire pack, "these they help me to escape. They make me feel more -" he broke off again. "Normal. They make me feel normal."
I nod again knowing exactly what he meant. It was something from the Muggle world that we could do here as well. As much as I loved being a witch there were times I wish I could go back never knowing of this world.
Go back and forget there was a crazy guy trying to kill us all, who had more power than Hitler and his entire Gestapo, combined. In the muggle world everything was so simple. Adults fought wars, mostly over religion and teenagers were never dragged into just because some chick made a prophecy before you were born.
I take a cigarette from the packet and light it as we lapse into silence. We take comfort in each other's presence as we linger over our thoughts. Staring out into the darkness a strange feeling of peace comes over me.
"You feel it too?" Harry asks me suddenly. I nod although I felt his comment was more of a statement than a question. Harry says nothing else and our silence continues comfortably.
Time flicks by without my noticing. I stay lost in my thoughts. Feeling my legs start to cramp, I move to go stretch them when I turn to see Harry standing right next to me. My face now inches from his chest. I hadn't even noticed that he had moved. I stand and I stare straight ahead at his chin for a few seconds collecting myself.
Leaning back I look up at him, he's looking down at me concern in his eyes, his face intense. Desperate to get away from his gaze which was causing my mind to race into unfamiliar places when associated with one of my best friends I slide off the sill squashing myself between Harry and the wall.
Too late I realise I can't move left or right.
I look up at Harry's face again and am surprised by the intensity of the emotion there. For once he was wearing his heart on his sleeve there just wasn't enough room for the writing to be decipherable; too many letters crammed into too small a place.
His eyes seem to be a magnifying glass for my own pain. All the anxiousness, fear and uncertainty I'm feeling shine back at me threefold.
Maybe that is what possessed me to do it.
Tentatively I stand on tiptoe, lean forward and lightly brush my lips against his in what was supposed to be a friendly kiss of support. As soon as our lips touched I knew mine would linger there longer than necessary. I felt something unfamiliar flow through me.
I feel Harry's arm come around my waist pulling me closer as the kiss begins to deepen. Gently his tongue brushes my lips seeking entrance as his hand traces circles on my waist. With a slight moan I allow him access and I feel a new rush of warmth as his tongue skilfully explores my mouth.
It was the most intense kiss I have ever been a part of, yet feeling didn't come into it. Quite the opposite. We both wanted to shut everything out. Forget about the pain for a few moments. Shove it back into the deep recesses of our minds.
That one kiss was not enough. We both wanted more. The kiss became harder more forceful, almost to the point of drawing blood. Harry's hands wove their way into my hair, gentle a thing of the past as we clung urgently to each other.
Want soon turned into desperation. Anything to make the pain stop.
I now had my back firmly against the wall, our mouths almost constantly joined saved for those times we became breathless. Harry's hand was travelling along the inside of my thigh and under my skirt with maddening laziness. There was no gentle about it just a teasing slothfulness.
Desperate to keep the pain from my mind I grabbed for Harry's belt buckle having it untied within seconds. Forgetting all pretence Harry's hand made the remainder of the journey in record time.
I gasped as Harry's fingers pushed my underwear aside and plunged into me. In our state of minds I looked upon this much foreplay as a bonus. I felt my temperature rise as his fingers worked expertly, my breaths slowly starting to shallow.
Anxiety overcoming me I quickly finished undoing Harry's pants and he took this as a sign. In one swift movement my underwear was ripped from me and I was hoisted up the wall a bit more.
I felt his shaft hover at my entrance for a second and I immediately looked down at Harry. Our eyes locked for two seconds. He was looking for affirmation.
I nodded.
I wanted the oblivion. That split second of bitter ecstasy.
I keep my eyes shut tight, concentrating solely on the physical sensations Harry was causing. I didn't care.
It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
Nothing except the sour comfort of Harry pressing me hard against the wall as he pounded into me.
In perfect synchronization our breaths started to shorten. Deep pants echo around the room. I feel the tension starting to coil within my body like a chain been twisted round and round just wanting, waiting for release. I moan deep in the back on my throat, clutching hard onto Harry's shoulder, my fingernails almost ripping through the fabric of his robes. I moan again as Harry starts to quicken his pace, the tension rising even more. Desperate for relief I sink my teeth into Harry's shoulder.
In one swift moment everything is released. Every bad moment of my life never happened. I'm floating on a cloud. I feel Harry shudder against me and I knew he was where I was.
That taste of bitter, cynical freedom.
Freedom where nothing mattered yet at the same time everything counted.
Harry lets out a soft cross between a moan and growl as our breathing gradually begins to go back to normal. With that the realities of the world start to creep back in. We can't hide from them forever.
Harry moves back ever so slightly and I disentangle my legs from around his waist. Slowly I slide down until my feet touch the ground. I flatten my palms against the wall as my knees almost give way.
Harry's still close enough for me to feel the heat radiating off him, his breath grazing past my temple. We stand there for quite sometime, unable to look at each other, each lost in our own thoughts as incoherent as they were. I purposely blocked from my mind the most recent events.
They seemed too hard to deal with.
An awkward tension poisons the air as it becomes more apparent that we are both avoiding each other's gaze and the topic.
Silence darkens the room.
The harsh sounds of a zipper being pulled up stains the atmosphere.
I lean back even more heavily on the wall and I slowly begin to sink down it. Silent tears flow. Harry takes a seat next to me, leaning against the wall. I laugh sardonically; it almost comes out as a choke.
I didn't think life could get more shit but I'd just been proven wrong. Next to me Harry appears as calm as ever. Not the peaceful kind of calm. The tortured kind of calm. The same calm he had when I first came in.
Damn him and his ability to oppress everything. I had as much chance of reading his feelings as I did of getting through one potions lesson without Snape taking points from Gryffindor.
Gradually the awkwardness and weirdness seeps away and all we are left with is the same feeling of companionship as when I first walked through the door. Well not exactly the same. There is this inexplicable bone, a sense of understanding on a level I could never have comprehended before.
Neither of us says a word, we just let the time slowly tick by. I don't move until the sun softly peeks over the windowsill causing shadows to dance against the opposing wall. Silently Harry stands and offers his hand to help me up. Gratefully I take it and wordlessly we both head back to the common room.
From there, there was no turning back. When either of us were feeling a bit overwhelmed we went off quietly waiting here for the other to find us; while keeping this room and its consequences private from the rest of the world. Sometimes we would sit together without a word, others we would talk, scream, yell and throw tantrums and then sometimes we would both be searching for that sweet ecstasy.
That one moment to make us forget all our troubles, even if it was just for a second.
So it was no surprise for me to end up here tonight.
Suddenly during dinner, Ron had been halfway through a question to him, when Harry had silently stood up from the table and walked out of the Great Hall. Ignoring all of Ron's calls. Ron had immediately looked at me but I was already in the process of getting up to follow Harry.
"What's going on?" Ron called only to be ignored.
Now I silently watched as smoke slowly drifted out the window, the moonlight catching it and giving the cloud a strange yellowed glow. Something seemed different about Harry's mood tonight. He appeared to be more comfortable within himself, like he had had some kind of epiphany.
I felt Harry turn his stare toward me. I couldn't help but blush a little as I felt him study my features closely, as if he had never seen them before. Slowly I turn to look at him and he quickly snaps his gaze away taking on the air of a child caught raiding the cookie jar.
We go back to our comfortable silence and Harry starts to fidget. I know he just wants to get something out but he can't find the words. I keep silent, not wanting to push. Patiently I wait for his coherence.
"It never gets easier."
I don't react; personally I thought that was the point. The whole thing would have been pointless if it got easier. We would be bored if life got easier.
I'm not sure when I got this cynical. I know it was before that first night. Maybe Sirius' death hit me harder than I accepted. Maybe as I saw each friend lowered into the ground as Voldemort infected the world like a rash they took a little part of me exposing my caustic nature. Maybe as each name was added to the Honour Roll in the Ministry of Magic a little bit of my optimism was tacked to it.
Death and fear had become a constant part of our lives since Voldemort went public. The pressure placed on Harry had become incredible. He'd spent hours with Professor Dumbledore, no one quite sure what they were doing but each time he would come back with a fresh bruise or a new book.
Harry certainly kept quiet about any dealings he had with the Headmaster. It was a constant sore point with Ron, as if he thought it was his right to know every single detail of Harry's life. I accepted that he would tell us in his own time. In the meanwhile it was best to shut up about it.
"I kept hoping, but tonight I just knew. Even if I do it, even if I win something, someone else will come along." He hesitates.
I get the impression that he doesn't want to tell me. I feel slightly off balance. Harry had kept secrets from me but he had never appeared so torn about sharing it. I shift a little on the windowsill trying to hide my discomfort.
Finally Harry speaks again. Not to me more to himself, the empty air. "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not… and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…"
I'm shocked, surprised, bewildered, stunned all of the above and more. I'm sure I'm staring at him. I've got no idea what to say. I snap my mouth closed when I realise it was hanging open at a rather unattractive angle.
"You…" I finally manage to whisper, my voice sounding strange.
Harry nods and looks away. I know I'm not making things easier for him. For once in my life I'm at a loss. All the knowledge and wisdom in the world would not help me now.
"When did you...? The meetings with Professor Dumbledore…"
Harry's Adam's apple bobs and I stop trying to find the words.
"Albus told me just after Sirius…" Harry breaks off.
I study him hard. It was the first time I had heard him call Professor Dumbledore by his first name. It came off his tongue with practiced ease giving me the impression that their relationship was a lot closer than they put forth to the school. More like equals rather than student and teacher.
Knowing when he found out made all the difference. Explained almost everything but mostly his strange behaviour throughout sixth year. I always thought it was Sirius. Somehow I was relieved to find that it was something else as well. It explained why his mind always seemed so cluttered, especially on that first night.
We lapse into silence again and Harry reaches out, fumbling for a cigarette. When he has it lit I come to a decision. He wouldn't have told me if he didn't want to talk about it even if it was only on a subconscious level.
"Either must die at the hand of the other…"
"For neither can live while the other survives." Harry finishes for me. "I never wanted it to come to that."
I nod, understanding. He didn't think he could do it. As much as Voldemort deserved to die, Harry still didn't think he could do it. Tears sprung to my eyes. I scoot closer to him, sitting now with my back propped up against his leg, both legs dangling down over the sill against the wall. I gently lean in brushing my lips against his, as I lean back he forces a smile of thanks at me.
The silence starts to irritate me so I start to probe again. "He will have power the Dark Lord knows not?" This piece puzzled me the most. What powers had Harry kept hidden from me, from all of us?
Harry immediately looks away from me and out the window. "I don't know… I don't know if I still have it," he answers barely above a whisper.
I want to yell and scream and tell him that he'll find it, that he still has it, whatever it is.
I don't.
Calmly I sit there waiting for him to tell me. Then a terrifying thought hits me. A power so great that Voldemort despise and fear above all else had to be huge. It can't just be lost. Was it even possible for a seventeen-year-old boy to control that power?
"Love," Harry whispers very suddenly.
I rapidly study his features trying to figure out what he meant. His head turned to the window so I can only see his profile, I see him close his eyes and take a deep breath.
Looking at him like that it strikes me.
Love. That was the power.
My hand trembles as I reach out. Slowly I rest my hand on his cheek gently bringing his head around to look at me. I stare into his eyes searching them.
He's lost.
A small child just craving the attention of both parents. Just wanting someone, something to love and to love him back. He immediately closes his eyes; he never liked to be so exposed.
"Harry," I gently ask. "Look at me." It seems like an eternity but finally he opens his eyes.
He doesn't even wait for me to speak.
"I'm numb. For the past two years that's all I've been. Just craving to feel. Anything. Everything. Pain, fear, and hurt. I've been walking through life not feeling it. The only time I've ever felt anything, as fleeting as it was, was when, you and I…" Harry breaks off and swallows.
I'm surprised he told me that much. I'm surprised he told me anything at all. I study him carefully before I speak.
"If you let yourself, you can still feel."
Harry's eyes blaze for a second. "I feel and that gets people killed."
"People die even if you don't love them," I whisper tears forming against my will.
"What do you want me to say?" Harry asks quietly. "That I enjoy it. That I enjoy being cut off from everyone, every fucking thing on this planet."
Instinct takes over and I lean in and kiss him. Hard. Hard enough to draw blood. I pull back leaving him looking up at me curiously.
"It's not all physical." I pause for breath. "That feeling you get when we're together. It's not all physical." I stop. My voice drops to below a whisper. "I feel it too."
Harry stares at me, his eyes full of wonder.
"That power. You do still have it." I pause, my voice still a whisper, unsure about my next words.
"I love you."
Harry looks up at me stunned.
"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. You just have to know." Smiling slightly I take up my original position on the window sill staring out into the night sky across from me I feel Harry do the same.
Don't be confused by my apparent lack of ceremony
My mind is clear.
I may be low or miles high off in the distance
I want you near.
I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
When I close my eyes you're everywhere.
And if they take me flying on the magic carpet,
See me wave
If our communication fails I'll reconnect it,
I want to rave.
I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
When I close my eyes you're everywhere.
No matter where the road is leading us remember
Don't be afraid.
We have a continent that sometimes comes between us,
That's ok.
I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
When i close my eyes you're everywhere.