Unofficial Portkey Archive

A/N:- This chapter was never going to happen. Originally this was going to be a standalone but I got inspired. Lots of big, big smoochies to Jamie for betaing. Without her this wouldn't be half as good.

The lyrics at the beginning and end are from "Always" by Blink 182 and are to blame for the chapter happening.

I've nicked a line from an axed TV show. Kuddos to whoever can find it.

As always Harry Potter is not mine.

I've been here before a few times

And I'm quite aware we're dying

And your hands they shake with goodbye

And I'll take you back if you'd have me

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you

Always

Kiss you taste you all night

Always

"I don't think I can do this anymore."

My voice cracked as hot tears crash down my cheeks. I wanted nothing more than to take back those words. Stop them from hanging thickly in the air between us.

I can't seem to move. The look on Harry's face was slowly tearing my heart from my chest. I never thought it would come to this. I thought I was strong. I thought we were strong.

It was one amazing illusion.

Harry doesn't say a thing. His head just turns slightly to the side as he stares at me. I don't think he wants to believe it. I see his Adam's apple bob rather severely.

The silence starts to stretch out but time doesn't matter. As painful as it is I don't want this moment to end. After this it's back to the way we were before. Before West Towers and cigarettes. Before shagging each other's brains out.

Sighing, Harry runs a hand through his eternally messy hair.

"Maybe that would be better."

I'm floored. I never expected that. The words flow easily from his mouth but he still manages to sound like he has been defeated.

Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut to begin with. That's what got us into this whole mess. Ever since I spilled my guts to him, things had been weird. Harry and I both liked to pretend our feelings didn't matter.

Like a silly little thing like a confession of love would not make any difference.

Suddenly everything was different. Each of us keeping a little part of ourselves concealed from the other.

Flashback

"Something's odd," I mumble taking great care not to meet Harry's eyes as I nervously straighten my skirt.

"Tell me about it," Harry mumbles before straightening up and turning away from me to pull his shirt on.

I never felt further away from him than I did right now. We didn't talk. The real issues were ignored. When we did talk it was more about school. There was so much hanging between us, yet we still turned to the other for unspoken comfort.

It was the first time we had ever met anyplace other than the WestTower. Tonight the West Tower just didn't seem right. A week after that night, it was too soon to go back there. We had been sitting down at dinner trying to avoid each others gaze as Ron went about picking apart the days Quidditch practice.

Yo u would think, Harry being captain would have been all ears. Instead he was picking at his food and nodding in agreement whenever he thought necessary. Ron had continued to drone on oblivious to Harry's inattentiveness.

As Ron was beginning to dissect the new chasers manoeuvre, Harry suddenly looked up catching my eye.

With that simple moment nothing else mattered. The rest of the Great Hall faded out of existence as we came to an unspoken agreement and again Ron was left wondering what was going on as we both left the table without a word to him.

That's how we ended up here, in the Room of Requirement, fucking each other to nothingness. That was the only way to describe it. It was swift, rough and nasty as we tried to forget. There was a desperation that had never been there before. Harry had always had gentleness behind his touch even when he was making it hurt in the best ways.

Tonight that was gone.

Of all the things we had done together there had never been awkwardness between us. It had just never been there. Now it was coming through loud and clear. Much like a foghorn through a bleak night.

Magically a pack of cigarettes appeared on the table next to Harry. He sighed as he made a grab for them and tossed the packet to me. We didn't speak. There were no words. We were too afraid to try and say what we both knew we were thinking.

End Flashback

So it continued in the exact same fashion for weeks on end. Shagging without words. We tried to pretend it didn't bother us. I don't know about Harry but it was killing me inside.

Finally, I'd screwed up some semblance of courage. I'd spoken; I'd ended it, yet somehow that seemed to be a whole lot worse.

"What do we do now?" I ask, my voice smaller than I would have liked it to be. I feel broken and I hate it.

Harry smiles ironically. "What we've always done. Pretend it never happened."

I bite back a sob. I don't want to do that. I want everyone to know. The lies are too much hard work to keep up with. I hate pretending everything is fine when all I really want to do is crawl into bed for the next week and come out to a pile of homework to keep my minds off of things.

Suddenly, Harry is right there, invading my personal space. I look up at him blinking back tears, his emerald eyes shining with pain. It's the rawest I've ever seen Harry. I almost hate myself for what I have just done.

Catching me by surprise he dips his head and lightly presses his lips to mine. His tongue gently runs along my lips before he pulls back leaving the room without a word.

Finally I let myself go. Tears flow down my face, as I stand pathetically in the centre of the room unwilling to move.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Weeks had gone by. I was numb. I had lost count of the amount of times I'd been asked if I was okay. In the end they had just given up. They knew they were never going to get anything from me.

I hadn't spoken to Harry. At least really spoken to him. I couldn't look him in the eye. It was too hard. The few times we had spoken it was short and awkward and always ended with one of us pretending that we suddenly had to be somewhere.

Ron had even picked up on us acting weird. He had cornered me a few times trying to get me to talk. I didn't even have to ask to know that he had done the same to Harry. It was almost ironic how we could become sex buddies and no one even noticed until we stopped.

The last thing I had expected when I returned from the library that night was to be ambushed. I scrambled into the common room to find Ron, Ginny, Neville and Luna (what the hell was she doing in the Gryffindor common room?) seated on the couch facing the portrait hole with solemn yet firm faces. Movement from my right attracted me and I found Harry sitting on the windowsill slowly dragging on a cigarette.

To most he would look the picture of the calm. From the tightness of his jaw I knew better.

He was pissed.

"What is this?" I asked, my voice taking on a defensive edge. "Intervention time?" It wasn't until then I noticed that Lavender, Parvati, Seamus and Dean had been brought along for support.

My blood boiled. "This doesn't concern you."

"You're wrong," Ron answers back immediately. "Hermione, we're all sick of tiptoeing around you guys. Just talk to Harry. That's all we want."

"Oh, I'm sorry to be an inconvenience," I snap back immediately.

"And stop being a sarcastic bitch. That would be nice too," Ginny mumbles but not bothering to try and keep her voice down.

I step back, staring at Ginny slightly surprised by her malice. I thought she of all people would understand. It took me a couple of seconds to realise that she didn't know what there was to understand.

Silently I move my eyes to appeal to Neville. I had always been able to count on him previously. He quickly moves his eyes to his feet. It was that more than anything that made me realise what a grade A bitch I must have been lately.

I look over at Harry to see him watching me cautiously. I avoid our eyes meeting even for two seconds. I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life.

"I can't do this," I answer and immediately turn to leave.

I run into something solid. Looking up, I realize its Harry standing there, his hand firmly on my arm. Bastard must have figured out how to apparate inside Hogwarts.

"Don't touch me," I tell him forcefully. "You don't get to do that anymore," my voice is barely audible by the time the last word leaves my mouth.

Satisfied I'm not leaving, Harry removes his hand from my arm and takes a step back. We stand defensively facing each other, the silence crackling between us.

"If I remember correctly that was your idea."

I cross my arms across my chest. All I really want to do is curl up into a ball and hide. I didn't want this kind of confrontation. Certainly not in front of entire Gryffindor Seventh Year, Ginny and Luna. This was going to lead to all kinds of negativity I didn't want to face right now.

"Are you happy now guys?" I ask, turning towards the group on the couch, purposefully keeping my voice quiet and calm. "You've got the basics, I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something to entertain Hogwarts for the rest of the year."

Ron and Ginny begin to shift rather uncomfortably on the couch. Neville was already tactfully making his way up the stairs while Luna was staring off into space, no indication she had even heard a word we were saying. Lavender and Parvati, however, were hanging off every word whilst Dean and Seamus looked decidedly bored.

"Hermione, shut up."

My head whips around to look at Harry. I open my mouth to retort but he holds up a hand to cut me off.

"They were right, okay? We do need to talk."

"Oh, no. You don't get to be the mature one in this," I tell a spot just right of his ear. I still can't meet his eye. If I do, I'm lost.

"You know it as well as -" Harry cuts himself off. "Could you at least look at me?"

"Isn't this in the least bit hard for you?" I retort snarkily. "Did you take a course in 'Unfeeling Bastard'?"

"Obviously you prefer the spoilt brat approach."

"People in glass houses -"

Harry raises his voice, talking over me. "Should only throw stones when under attack."

I open my mouth to answer back but snap it closed again when I realise how ridiculous our conversation had become.

"Sorry," I mumble staring at my feet.

"Yeah. Me too." Harry whispers.

I hear him take a deep breath. He wasn't just talking about the fight, it was pretty much everything.

"It's just…" I pause looking for the right words. "I just can't."

Harry runs a hand through his hair again. This conversation is stressing him just as much as me. I can't help but feel some spiteful amusement from this turn in events.

"Seems to be your theme song lately," he mumbles. There was no malice behind the words, just a tired statement of fact.

I sigh searching for a way to explain.

"Harry, it's killing me." I feel the tears start to force their way to the surface and I struggle to keep my voice clear. "I don't know which is worse. Screwing my best friend just because or pretending it never happened. And I hate it. I hate that I love you. And it's not like the fairy tales. It's scary, messy and horrible. And why can't I just hate you?" I finish with a whisper.

I shut my mouth slightly shocked. I hadn't expected a monologue. I'd lost control halfway through and tears were now flowing freely down my face.

Harry stares at me with a strange, unreadable expression on his face.

"Do you think this is any easier for me?" he asks desperately, strain evident in his voice. "I look at you and all I want -" Harry breaks off and turns away from me so I can't see his face.

I stare at his back for a few seconds, gathering my thoughts and my wits. I'm just about at the end of my emotional tether for tonight.

"Harry?" I query gently, coming up behind him and placing a hand on his arm. "Harry, what do you want?"

As my arm makes contact with his exposed skin I almost immediately pull back. A distant jolt flows through me, as I remember exactly what I can't have. Harry flinches and almost pulls away.

"It doesn't matter," he states dejectedly. "I can't have it anyway."

Quickly he brushes my hand away and strides out the portrait hole. I let him go, knowing I'll get nothing more from him if I follow.

Furiously I wipe away my tears, silently cursing Harry for turning me into a pathetic weeping mess. I stare blindly at the portrait hole; painfully aware every singe movement was being watched.

Why didn't they possess the same tact as Neville? At least he understood that some things were private. Maybe they did understand, they just didn't want to believe it.

I had no idea what I was going to say to them. 'Sorry I've been keeping the hugest part of my life from you for the past year,' seemed redundant and at the same time unnecessary. I doubted they would even understand exactly what had happened between Harry and me. I'm not sure I entirely understand.

"Hermione?" I hear Ginny query softly. She sounds only mere feet from me. I don't turn around. I don't want her to see my face.

"Hermione, I'm so sorry," her voice is barely above a whisper. I don't want her pity. I want her absence.

However, I still nod slowly not turning around, loath to be dragged into a conversation. She doesn't sense my mood.

"We would never," Ginny rushes. "I would never…" whole sentences challenge her tonight. "I didn't know. I would never have made you if I had."

Her apology was so sincere and heartfelt and desperate that I just had to get out of there. I couldn't face them. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I needed to be alone in my misery.

Ignoring my tears I pushed through the portrait hole. I had no idea where I was going but the common room had become far too stifling. The walls seemed to be pushing in on me.

Like my own personal, emotional Temple of Doom.

Once out into the Hogwarts corridors I felt their vastness mock with wit a horrible stab of loneliness. Taking a deep breath I turned left, no final destination in mind just a strong need to clear my head.

It was an odd sensation, walking with no sense of distance or time. One foot moved in front of the other automatically. If thoughts were entering or leaving my mind they weren't leaving an impression. When I walked past one of the classrooms I couldn't help but be surprised to find the sun peeping over the horizon through a window.

Wanting to shower and be at breakfast without talking to anyone I ran back to the common room. I still couldn't bear to face my friends. I didn't want any of their compassion and I certainly didn't want any of their curiosity.

Going through my normal morning routine I couldn't help feeling a sense of numb apprehension. As I turned on the shower the walls seemed to permeate trepidation. Taking all my strength I pushed that feeling to the bottom of a long list of feelings I didn't want to deal with right now.

Slipping off my robe, I slowly stepped under the spray, letting the water run through my hair, pounding around my ears, blocking out any other sounds. Rolling the tension out of my neck I turn to face the wall. Keeping my head under the jet I reached out, my palms flat against the wall. Staring at the floor I willed the tears not to come.

I was sick of crying.

I don't know how long I stood there. Watching as the water swirled on the tiled floor before making its way down the drain. I felt the tears stinging the back of my throat, but I still refused to let go. Nothing would come from it.

Realising I would most likely be late if I didn't leave now I wrenched the taps off, shivering slightly as the warmth of the water left me.

Turning around I gasp when I see Harry standing in the dressing room part of the cubicle, reaching out as if to grab my attention. Quickly I grab my towel and wrap it tightly around me. I can't help but roll my eyes at the clique-ness of the situation.

We stand with an obvious distance from each other, scared of slight contact, both staring at opposite corners of the stall. I didn't know where to start. Too many walls had been broken. Not enough bricks to repair them.

He took a deep breath before plunging in. "We need to talk."

"I thought we had already done that," I snapped unable to keep the bitterness or sarcasm from my voice.

Harry runs an irritated hand through his hair. "I meant without the yelling." He pauses for a couple of seconds. "And without the audience."

I take a couple of deep breaths, trying to pull my thoughts together. Slowly I look up. Harry's face is unreadable. He's closed himself off carefully. Desperately I search his eyes, looking for something. Whatever it is, I think I find it.

"Can't we just skip that part?"

The words barely make their way out. But as the last one leaves my lips I feel a great weight lift from my shoulders. I know it's dangerous. I know we'll fall back in to the same pattern we had adopted before but I can't help it.

I need him.

Harry's deep emerald eyes bore into mine for a second. A second of understanding.

It's hard to tell who kissed whom. I just know the moment I felt his lips on mine there was no going back. We had already started the intricate dance of our downward spiral.

Gently his tongue rolled against my lips, slowly requesting entrance. Parting my lips ever so slightly I let him slip by, taking all my concentration to suppress a moan.

As I felt Harry's hand delve into my wet hair, pulling my head closer to him, I knew there was something different about this, something that had been missing from all those weeks of dry shagging. There was a spark.

Slowly I unbutton Harry's shirt running my hands only his perfectly chiselled torso before sweeping the shirt off his shoulders not caring about the wet floor.

I let Harry leisurely back me into the wall. Feeling its solidness against my back I relax into it, letting it hold me up rather than my legs that I was rapidly beginning not to trust.

With great care he pried his lips from mine, bringing them around to suckle lightly on my neck. Running my hands soothingly across his back, letting one reach up high enough to run through his silky hair.

Harry flattened one hand across my belly before bringing it around to my side. I gasped as he ripped the towel from my bum and shoulders feeling the shock of the cold wall.

He stepped back from me and looked at me. I've never felt so naked in my life shivering under his intense gaze.

"Harry?" I whispered breaking his daze.

Slowly he shook his head as if trying to clear an unwanted thought from his mind. Gently I reached out a hand and curled it around his.

"I…"

"Harry, don't," I cut across him. "This is only cruel if we make it that way."

Reaching out to caress his face I tenderly run my hand down his cheek, my eyes begging him to continue. Ever so slowly he closes the gap he created, lips back on mine his left hand running tantalisingly down my side.

As his tongue massages mine he brings that hand back up to lightly caress my breast. Kneading it gently in his hand, he pushes his body against me, forcing me further back into the wall.

So engrossed in what his hand was doing I hadn't noticed the other gently drawing circles on my stomach gradually dropping lower. It wasn't until he removed it did I feel the pang. Unable to control myself I moaned against his lips at the loss.

His lips began to trail delicately down my neck, his tongue flicking between them every so often in the most erotic fashion. A flush ran through me when I felt his hand brush the inside of my thigh.

Gently I brushed my hand against his abdominals, savouring the feel of his muscles, shivering in anticipation. It was that slight touch that changed our moods. Suddenly things seemed more urgent.

Harry's hand travelled up my thigh much quicker than I had ever imagined. Somehow the rush didn't affect his skill in anyway. A strangled cry escaped my throat as his fingers expertly massaged my clit, my legs rapidly turning to jelly.

Reaching out my fingers hooked through Harry's belt loops. With a yank I pulled him as close as possible.

I need him.

Pulling his head back up I pressed my lips to Harry's. I wanted to never let go. Every, touch, every sense, and every emotion I wanted to feel it. I wanted the numbness to disappear.

Harry seemed to have gotten my message as I felt him undo his belt, his pants falling to the floor mere seconds later.

With the help of Harry I hoisted myself up the wall. My legs wrapping around his waist I ever so slowly let him enter. I saw him bite his bottom lip.

Green eyes found mine as he pulled out, slowly getting into a rhythm.

There was something different about this. We were both searching for something but it wasn't oblivion.

Staring into emerald orbs I felt the pressure start to coil deep within me. I could feel my fingernails claw into his back. Harry's grip on me was tightening with every movement.

The world had completely fallen away from us. Nothing mattered. I didn't want anything to matter.

I felt my breathing start to shallow. Harry wasn't far behind. The sound of our breathing, of our flesh slapping flesh echoed around the showers.

I hadn't expected it. Not for it to come upon me as fast as it did. I let out a cry; a cross between a moan and a yelp. For that second nothing mattered. I was free.

I felt Harry shudder against me before gently slipping out of me. He stepped back enough for me to stand. His body still painfully close.

I was rapidly crashing down from my orgasm. Reality slipping in, unwanted.

I wanted to shrink into the wall. I wanted it to never have happened. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I couldn't look at Harry.

I braced myself against the wall, begging to whatever god that was that I could at least pretend to be strong.

I felt Harry move away from me. I heard his clothes being pulled on.

I still didn't open my eyes when I felt him standing two centimetres from me again. He didn't say anything. He caressed my cheek. I didn't even try to bite back the sob that escaped me when his lips touched my forehead.

Only when I heard him slip out the door, locking it behind him did I allow myself to breakdown completely.

Opening my eyes I slid down the wall, not caring about the cold, tears falling freely down my face.

*******

I hurried down the steps to the common room not bothering to check Parvati or Lavender's beds. They were most likely in the shower at this time of the morning.

Hitting the bottom step I almost fall over in shock when I found Neville, Ron, Lavender, Parvati, Dean, Seamus and Ginny milling around the common room a lost expression on all of their faces.

"Oh thank Merlin!" Ron suddenly exclaimed rushing to give me a hug. "You're here."

Impatiently I push Ron away.

"Yes, Ron. I know it's a big shock. I'm at the school I've been to for the past seven years. Now what's going on?"

Looks, which were supposed to be discrete, were exchanged around me. I felt my stomach drop an inch.

"Miss Granger." My stomach hit the floor. I hadn't noticed Professor Dumbledore standing by the fireplace, a solemn expression marring his usual cheerful features. He looked like he had been awake for hours.

"When did he leave?" I ask him immediately.

I tried desperately to keep a grip on calm, whatever the cost.

Dumbledore purposefully ignored my question. "Harry asked me to give you this," he replied, holding up an envelope.

"I don't care about the fucking letter," I answer, my voice barely above a whisper. Calm had completely gotten off two exits back and I was fast approaching hysterical. "I just saw him. He can't have left. He would have bloody told me."

I pushed past Ron and the others, reaching the portrait hole before Dumbledore even started to call me back.

"Miss Granger," it was the sharpest tone I had ever heard the Headmaster use with a student. "Harry asked me to do two things before he left. And no matter what I think of them I feel I must comply with his wishes."

Something in his tone made me turn and look Dumbledore in the eye. I don't think annoyed is an adequate enough word to describe how I felt when I found that his twinkle had become even brighter.

Honestly, there's a time and there's a place.

Sensing my change in mood Dumbledore calmly placed the envelope on the coffee table near the fireplace before heading out the door. I felt a bit ripped the he didn't say anything more but I doubt I would have paid any attention.

My whole being was focused on that envelope. Never before had a single piece of parchment looked so daunting. I was vaguely aware of the others moving around me.

"C'mon," I hear Neville urge quietly. "I think we should get ready for breakfast."

I was vaguely aware of them leaving the room, Ron gently squeezing my arm as he passed. I barely nodded in acknowledgement. I was entirely focused on the envelope on the table, trying desperately to find the courage to open it.

Finally my stupidity became overwhelming. Marching straight up to the coffee table I snatched up the envelope.

Taking a deep breath I broke the seal before sitting heavily in one of the fluffy armchairs trying to get comfortable. Hands shaking I opened the parchment.

"Mione,

I've gone. Don't try to follow. I mean that, 'Mione. I have to do this. I think you know why.

I wish I could say something eloquent here, but I just… can't.

I can't tell you why it had to be now. Last night I just knew. The bastard had to die.

Jesus, 'Mione. I've no idea what to say. I know you're going to kill me for not doing this in person, but I think I would have chickened out.

I just need you to know - the prophecy - I get that now.

Always,

Harry

And I'll miss you're laugh you smile

I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me

I'm so sick of fights I hate them

Lets start this again for real

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you

Always

Kiss you taste you all night

Always

I've been here before a few times

And I'm quite aware we're dying