In the morning
Author: Ri, aka Szaranea
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: I hadn't planned for this, but the story is now a series. You might expect
futher chapters. The song "In the morning" can also be found on Norah Jones' new album, "Feels Like
Home", and this is another quasi-songfic. Poor Norah. I feel like I'm raping her songs.
Draco,
Another day, another morning, another reason not to get up. Even though they seem to be the same, there is a slight difference between each reason: you, you, you, you you, you and so on.
That is why I'm writing you: after all, you're the one thing that it all comes back to, in the end. All, but not me. I don't seem to be able to come back to you, and that is because you obviously don't want me to.
I hear your name wherever I go. It's Draco here and Draco there and Draco, Draco everywhere. It took me some time to realize that it is because I can't keep myself from calling out your name.
And I'm falling back again. Back where? Just back. It's the falling that matters. Funny how one word can express so much. I have fallen for you Draco. I am not begging you to take me back - because I know you won't, but between all those heartless kisses, the exchange of physical pleasure, I have fallen for you. I threw my heart into your hands and you deliberately stepped aside. And now it's falling and it won't land. It is falling, I am falling.
And I fear that it's not going to land anytime soon. I won't be able to pick up the shards for a long time. Maybe one day I might give it to somebody else. But I'll never throw it again, never ever.
One day. It'll take time. Time. It's flying by and standing still at the same time. Time and time again. One moment it's morning and the next I find myself in the middle of the afternoon.
It's all pressing down on me, just as I felt like somebody was lifting me up whenever we met. It's dark and ominous, light and blinding, hot and searing, cold and freezing all at once. I'm not having my heart torn out - I ripped it out and threw it away myself, after all. But I can't get it back alone. I need help with it. If you can't show me the way to your heart, then help me find mine again at least
I don't know why I'm even bothering with this though - I wouldn't find a hint of decency in you even if I looked with a magnifying glass. I can't win here. But still I love you.
You don't know how much writing this takes out of me - because I try to stop thinking about you, I try to tell myself that I'm over you. But I know that I'm lying everytime I do it. I wake up, and I know I'll have to suffer through another day without you. I'm not sleeping properly anymore. I'm not talking anymore unless spoken to. I feel much to weak for that. I can hardly speak at all.
Hermione tried to cheer me up yesterday. She came to my room with a tray loaded with tea and cookies. I felt slightly better after talking to her. But then I took a shower and changed into my favourite shirt and it smelled like you. And now I'm feeling even worse than I did before. You are everywhere. Bitter traces left behind, reminding me of everything I can and will never have. You have stained my life Draco, and nobody but me can really see it.
My first thought in the morning and my last in the evening belong to you. I thought that my life had just begun with you, but now I feel like you're going to be its end.
I know that you won't write me back, but I'm still writing this. Why, I wonder? It's because I know that I can't let go of you, because I would do everything for you, and it scares me. I feel like I'm your slave.
And I'm calling your name all the while.
And I'm falling.
In the morning
In the afternoon
- Ginny