A/N: I own nothing but the sarcasm in my head.
Here's a little short piece to keep you entertained. Should be about three chapters. This was written in response to one of the 'Hermione has her period' challenges. Oh, and apologies for the unimaginative title. Enjoy!
That Time of the Month - Part I
"Do you mind?!"
I looked up from my plate of bacon to see Hermione glaring daggers at me. Uh oh, not a good sign. I quickly glanced around, wondering if I had accidentally put my bag on hers or inadvertently covered the book she was reading with a napkin. Nope, no such luck. I braced myself, already wincing. "Excuse me?" I said in my most polite tone.
Hermione shook her head in disgust. "God! Don't you have any manners?! Is it possible for you to chew any louder? Perhaps I should cast a sonorous on you, would you like that? Would you? Would you?!" she asked a bit manically before poking her head behind her book. Okay, all things considered, that wasn't so bad. I suppose that last question about the sonorous was one of those rhetorical questions; I dared not answer anyways. I looked over at Ron, who looked a bit shell-shocked, though with a look of relief that he wasn't hit with any collateral damage from Hermione's attack. After making sure Hermione's attention was on the book, we both shrugged and sighed at the same time.
Mistake.
"God! What is it with you two? Sighing and whining like a bunch of little first years!" Hermione stood up abruptly and put her book away in her bag. Then she fixed us with a very scary look. "I'm going to class now, where I can find some peace and quiet!"
After watching Hermione stomp away, I looked over at Ron. "Er, what's today's date?"
Ron looked over at Hermione's Daily Prophet, which she had left behind. "Ummm…uh oh. It's the 23rd. Duck and cover?"
I nodded. "Duck and cover." All right, there are many times when I just have to say to myself, I'm glad I'm a guy. Sure, being a girl does have advantages (like skirts in the summer while I gotta wear long pants, and, of course, multiple…well…you knows), but overall, I'm glad I'm a guy. And times like these, I'm super glad that I'm a guy. The one limitation on magic is that it can't really have any long-lasting effect on biology or anatomy; I mean, I can't magic myself 20/20 vision, or magic myself taller with more muscles. And, for women, it meant that they couldn't magic away their monthly period. There were potions that would remove the discomfort, but apparently our fair-tempered Hermione had forgotten to take hers today. Or if she did, she didn't take enough.
Fortunately, the next class was Advanced Potions, probably the first time I had every put the words 'fortunate' and 'Advanced Potions' together in one thought. Unlike Defense, Charms, and the other classes, Potions was generally spent in silence, for fear of incurring Snape's wrath. Ron and I entered the Potions classroom, where we shoved and jostled each other, each trying to get the other to partner with Hermione. Finally, we resorted to 'Rock, Paper, Scissors,' which I won twice in a row.
Now, usually I would never, ever do something like this, but admit I used my legilimency ability to 'see' what Ron was going to choose ahead of time - desperate times call for desperate measures. It was worth it, though, because I could tell Ron was having a miserable time; apparently he couldn't breath quietly enough or didn't react fast enough to Hermione's prompts. I actually found it all amusing, and for the first time regretted when the final bell rang. Ron was quite in a hurry to escape Hermione's wrath, and in his rush, he bumped into Draco Malfoy. I sighed, knowing that it was bound to cause another row between the two.
"What did I tell you about sighing?!"
I was so startled that I must've jumped a few inches off of the ground. How the hell did Hermione get so close to me? Constant vigilance, Potter! "Sorry," I mumbled, fighting the urge to roll into a little ball and careful not to make eye contact - no need to tempt fate; she was definitely the Alpha female right now. I heard her huff, and I followed her out of the classroom at a discrete distance. Outside, I was not surprised to see Ron and Malfoy arguing. After seven years, these arguments occurred so frequently that they sometimes became a bit boring. I watched carefully though, just in case wands were drawn.
"…get some new material, you gel-headed freak!" Ron was saying. I suppose Malfoy used the whole 'your family is poor' line on Ron again. Seriously, that is getting old after all these years. I was distracted from their argument by some heavy breathing to my side. I looked over, and Hermione looked like she was turning red. She was obviously trying to maintain control by taking deep breaths, but I could almost see the steam coming out of her ears. I backed away instinctively, grabbing some poor third year who happened to be passing by as a human shield. Suddenly, she burst.
"God dammit! You two are the most infantile, immature, juvenile little boys that I have ever had the misfortune to meet! Every day it's the same damn thing over and over again! Yes, Ron's family is poor. Whoop dee do! And yes, Malfoy is a prejudiced, evil git. Blah blah blah! Get. Over. It. Grow up!" And with that outburst, Hermione stomped away down the hall.
Ron and I (and Malfoy, for that matter) stood around speechless. Thankfully I wasn't the target that time, but it was still horrible to watch. I mean, it could easily have been me. Ron shook his head slightly as he watched her walk away. "Whoa."
"No kidding. Must be that time of month," Malfoy said, still looking down the hallway at Hermione's retreating back.
"Yeah, that was a bit crazy. We guys gotta stick together…" Ron replied, turning towards Malfoy. All of a sudden, his eyes widened as he realized to whom he was talking to. "God, what am I saying?! Shut the hell up Malfoy!" Ron said and walked away.
"Er, screw you too Weasel!" Malfoy called out after a moment, almost as an afterthought. I looked over at Ron as we walked and grinned.
"So, you and Malfoy good buddies now? Have a little bonding session back there?"
"Shut it, Potter."
"Suppose we should invite him over to the Burrow for Christmas, then? You two can braid each other's hair and have a slumber party.
"I said shut it, Potter."
**************
We caught up with Hermione later at lunch, where she sat silently at the end of the Gryffindor table, spearing her potatoes rather listlessly. Ron and I traded worried looks; this was obviously one of those "are you all right?" moments, but neither one of us wanted to be the one to ask the question, since the response could vary from "I'm fine" to "Sod off you nosey bastard!" But fair is fair - Ron had to partner with Hermione during Potions and then suffered a rather vicious arse-chewing afterwards. Thus, I approached the lunch table with quite a bit of trepidation.
We sat quietly across from her, careful to monitor the noise-level of our breathing. Hermione looked up briefly but made no sound. I pulled a few plates towards me and Ron nudged me, which was my cue to ask the question. "So, er, Hermione. Are you all right?"
Hermione looked up from her uneaten lunch. She stared at me for a second before she suddenly burst into tears and dropped her head into her hands. Ron and I traded alarmed looks, definitely not prepared for this kind of reaction. Throwing caution to the wind, I bravely rushed to the other side of the table to sit beside her. "Hey, hey," I said softly, awkwardly patting her back. "It's okay." I hoped that she would stop crying, since that was basically the extent of my comforting abilities. She leaned into me, which startled me for second, before I put my arm around her shoulders. I looked at Ron, who shrugged helplessly. We looked around for something to help us while Hermione continued to cry softly. Ron hissed to get my attention, and he looked like he had an idea. With a smile, he pushed the pot of tea across the table towards me. Now I remembered why no one ever went to Ron for comfort and understanding.
After a few moments, I was relieved when Hermione stopped crying all on her own. I felt her straighten, so I removed my arm and she sat up, wiping at her eyes with a napkin. She looked at us and laughed softly. "I'm sorry," she said between sniffles. "I don't know why I'm so emotional. Thank you for not abandoning me when I'm being so horrible. You guys are wonderful and understanding."
I gave her my beset reassuring smile and patted her on the back again. "It's okay, Hermione. We're your friends; we'll always be there for you."
"Yeah," Ron said. "Besides, we know how you get this time of the month."
I winced and groaned inwardly. I swear, that kid can be such a nincompoop sometimes. I looked at Hermione, and I saw her eyes flash dangerously. She stood up, and I smacked my forehead against the table. We were so close…
"Ronald Bilius Weasley! You are the most insensitive little git I have ever met! It's no wonder that no one comes to you for comfort and understanding!"
I chuckled a little, because that was exactly what I was thinking a moment ago. Another mistake. "And what are you laughing at?!"
"I...uh…" I decided stammering was the best option; I didn't want to say anything that would make her use my middle name.
She glared at me so long I think I broke out into a sweat. Finally, she huffed again, and Ron and I watched as she collected her things and stormed off towards the doors of the Great Hall. At that moment, Malfoy was just walking into the Great Hall, talking to Goyle and not really paying attention. I watched with morbid curiosity as Hermione looked like she was just going to bowl over Malfoy. Just seconds before she reached him, Malfoy turned and saw Hermione coming. He yelped (in a rather womanly fashion, I was pleased to notice) and leapt out of the way.
I looked at Ron and shook my head. "Smooth Ron. Real smooth."
Ron sighed. "I know, I know."
Lavender came and sat next to Ron. "What did you guys do?" she demanded in an accusatory tone. I just pointed at Ron.
Lavender nodded. "Of course. I should have known."
"Hey, it's not my fault if Hermione's all extra sensitive because she's having her womanly thingie!"
Lavender scowled. "Merlin! It's no wonder no one goes to you for comfort and understanding!" She glared at Ron before leaving us.
I chuckled at Ron's shell-shocked face. "Once again - smooth Ron. Real smooth."
Ron shook his head. "I'm not talking again for the rest of the day. Hermione's yours during Care of Magical Creatures - she'll kill me if we partner again."
And though I agreed (after all, she probably would kill him), I realized was never more afraid to go to Care of Magical Creatures.