Author-note: Nice to see you like this story, so far. You may understand that from a certain point this reaction by Hermione isn't that wrong, though you might think she act foolish. Personally, I didn't know if I could just so easily forget all about parents and what happened if I were in her situation.
In that light I don't think chapter 5 or 6 were to rushed, to early but rather exactly right.
I would like to thank Rawles for her betaing.
~Phoenixwriter
Chapter Eight: Though I'd Die to Know You Love Me, I'm All Alone
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. -C.S Lewis
Through the darkness and shadows of this old house only faintly creaking of wood could be heard. It was just barely alive. Even after two years it was still dark, so dark that it reminded one of a house of a dark wizard. Indeed once it had belonged to a family full of dark wizards. Slightly warm sun rays fought through the clouds and illuminated the house that nobody could see. 12 Grimmauld Place was still headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. It was still where people planned Voldemort's downfall. This dark house was now Hermione's home. She was sitting alone in her room feeling empty and numb. Just three weeks she had been here, but it felt like an eternity. At Hogwarts it hadn't been that hard to go on. There was a library and many people around her, duties and much more to keep her mind far away. Here, however, she couldn't hide from her feelings anymore. Everyday had been harder than the previous day. More and more she understood the full impact of what had happened last year.
The whole world she had learned to love was crashing down. She feared losing again because she couldn't bear it, not again. Silent tears welled up in her eyes as she felt once more how her throat started to burn so horrible from the pain of her soul. She gulped this feeling down hard as she stood up from her bed. After all, Hermione had made up her mind. Angrily, she washed the few tears away with the back of her hands before she finally left the room that had been her own for three weeks. Slowly Hermione went through the dark corridors of this house. Her own steps made the wood creak loudly. Just as she was about to reach for the banister she heard the loud familiar screams of Mrs. Black. Irritable, she backed away to turn around and go back into her room. It had been this morning that a white owl landed in her room. Tightly held to Hedwig's leg was a letter for her. It was one of many letters Hermione had gotten from Harry, but this one was different. Because she knew he would soon be at Grimmauld Place, close to her, something she couldn't bear. How well she remembered how much she tried through the last few days at Hogwarts to be stronger, but she wasn't. She just wasn't strong enough for this.
After three weeks apart from Harry, she knew she couldn't do this, not now. Not after all that had happened just a few weeks ago. Cho, Harry's girlfriend, had died. Just a few months ago Hermione's parents had died. How was she supposed to feel sometimes, she wondered? Nobody could expect that she could just forget all of this, forget a whole year full of misery, a year that changed her whole being, whole life. Even if she were stronger too much had happened for her to just go on and forget.
She knew that he wouldn't understand her decision like he hadn't understood it the first time. But now it was different, so very different than before. Once again she had been alone, once again she could think about what happened. Though always on her mind, this voice that would tell her, not for the first time in a voice very like Harry's, that she couldn't make it rational. Who said she wanted to love again? Nobody had asked her if she was ready for all those feelings, all this pressure. Her wounds were fresh and it still pained her if she just thought about her loss. How was she supposed to bear losing someone whom she loved even more?
Before Harry finally reached the first landing Hermione was again in her room, which was rather bright compared to the rest of that house. She hadn't dared to have photo of her parents, how they would smile at her with so much pride that she couldn't stand it. Only books, many books, told it was indeed her room though the soul was gone. Soon, almost too soon, she heard someone banging against her door.
"I know you are in there, Hermione. Please open up we need to talk." Harry's calm voice came through the door. But she didn't answer and with all her might she tried to shut him out. Again he banged against the door this time harder.
"Hermione! Why are you doing this? Come on let me in and we can talk." His voice sounded no calmer, but emotional, still she didn't open up. She just couldn't face him. What should she tell him anyway? That she loved him but couldn't be with him, at least not now. Hermione knew it wasn't just that easy. There were more reasons, a reason that was so selfish. Harry had hurt her when he just abandoned her and it still hurt.
Loudly and now so much stronger, Harry hammered against the door, so hard that she could hear how the wood was creaking.
"Open up the door!" he demanded but she just lay down on her bed and covered her ears with her pillow. Maybe he would just go away and let her be. Maybe, just maybe if she woke up she would be back in her own bed and maybe she could have one of those usual summer breakfasts on the balcony with her parents. She could feel the warmth of the sunlight on her face. She could hear her parents chatting and asking her about her school year. A long forgotten warmth surrounded her but was soon replaced with coldness, the horrible coldness of loneliness. With a jerk Hermione woke up shivering and with a closed throat. She needed something to drink. Luckily it was already night and Harry wasn't anymore banging against the door. Silently, she stood and went the stairs down into the kitchen.
Everything was dark, even darker than it was normally. Just as Hermione was about to reach the sink she turned abruptly around at a noise. To her horror, there in the doorway stood none other than Harry Potter himself. Though it was dark, though she could just see an outline of a person, she knew who it was.
"You finally found a way out of that room, did you?" he snapped angrily at her. "Probably thought that if it's all dark you could safely avoid me, but I don't give up that easily, Hermione. You owe me an explanation," he went on as he stepped closer.
"I don't owe you a damn thing, Harry," she retorted angrily. As she was about to pass him he held her back.
"I don't understand you anymore. What happened in the last weeks? Why are you so determined to push me away? I-I thought it was more than just a fling between us. I thought it meant more to you."
His grip softened, so did his voice.
"What happened?! You're really asking me what happened, Harry? Well, I can't help you if you don't know, can I?"
"Then help me to understand because I don't know why you are acting like this? It's almost as if you don't want me to be close to you anymore," Harry whispered, but at this Hermione shook her head.
"I wish it could be that easy, Harry. Six years ago when I learned I was a witch and when I arrived at Hogwarts all I had were my parents. All I knew was their love. But I learned at 11 years old that there were people who cared for me so deeply that they risked their life for me. I never had friends before, Harry. Not friends like Ron and you. From that day on I would have done anything for you just as long I didn't lose you as friends. If I thought my 3rd year was bad I never knew how bad it could become. I had done anything for you Harry but as I needed you both the most I was all alone. Don't you understand? As they died you were all that was left, but I lost you too. You didn't care anymore. I'd have died to know that you love me, but I was all alone. Do you still not understand? You hurt me so badly. I thought I lost you," she sniffed slightly.
For a long time, he couldn't speak. Harry opened his mouth but closed it again just to try it again. "I'm sorry," he croaked as realised what he had done.