A/N: I don't own Harry Potter. I also don't own Shrek 2, which this is loosely, and I mean loosely, based on. I also don't own the references is to things like Halle Berry and Brandy. None of the insults in this are meant to be personal. This is not to be taken seriously. It's also in the point of view of the poor, pathetic Narrator, in case you were wondering. Leave reviews, they are good for the soul.
A Fairy Tale Story
-10 years later-
"Harry, come fix my supper..."
"Harry, do the dishes."
"Harry, why are you so stupid? Freakin' Halfblood..."
"Harry, go to your cupboard, I don't want to look at your ugly face."
This is what Harry had to listen to for the past ten years.
"Oh, woe is me!" He said, crying, alone in his tiny little cupboard. Had this been a movie, Harry would break out into song singing, "♪In my own little [corner] Cupboard, in my own little bed, I can be whatever I want to be!♪" Which is copyrighted to Roger and Hamerstien's Cinderella. If you haven't seen that movie, shame on you. Go see it. Don't go see the version with Brandy in it either. She plays Cinderella and she sucks. That whole movie sucks. Go see the older one. Can't remember who stars in it, though I don't imagine it matters. Anyway, go watch it and thank me later when your singing, "♪Ten minutes ago I saw you, I looked up when you came through the door...♪" Don't sue me for getting it stuck in your head, either. I'm just a poor narrator.
Harry lived with his step father, Serverus Snape, as well as his two evil step brothers, Draco and Dudley. They were evil. He dreamed of adventure and excitement, money and fame, though most importantly, lots of beautiful women at his beck and call.
Harry's step family was evil. We know this because they have evil hair. Look at Draco's hair. It's blonde. Blonde is an evil color. Therefore, Dudley is also evil, because in the books he is a blonde, unlike in the stupid movies where they decided to trip the fanon out and switch Vernon's hair color with Dudley and Petunia's. But that doesn't matter.
Oh yeah, Snape's also evil. His hair color isn't evil, however the grease makes it disgusting, and we all know all disgusting things are evil.
Being the mean evil bastards that the Snape/Malfoy/Dursley family is, they decided to go to the Ball, all while leaving poor Harry alone, crying. Don't ask me why he was crying, he just was! Besides, it makes the plot more interesting!
Suddenly, however, a roaring motorcycle appeared. Curious, (and starving and needing a good excuse to leave his cupboard) Harry ventured outside. There, what he saw both amazed and frightened him.
Standing before him was, indeed, a motorcycle. However, it wasn't just a motorcycle, though at this point Harry rather wished it was. Instead, it was a motorcycle with a person. And not just any person. Sirius *Holy Crap He's Hot!* Black. In leather. Which, while it makes the rest of us fangirls fall out in drool, it rather made Harry sick to his stomach. After all, no child should be forced to see their, never mind how hot he is, thirty-three (This being the narrator's math. I should warn you, she failed math, so it's likely she's wrong) year old godfather in black leather. Much in the same way no female should be forced to watch Halle Berry strut around in black leather with her breasts practically showing like she does it Catwoman. Mind you, if I looked like Halle Berry, I would do the same thing. Seeing as I don't look like Halle Berry, I can insult her all I want. Bleh. ::sticks tongue out::
"W-Who are you?!" Harry yelled, looking over the stranger in disbelief.
"Why, I'm your Fairy Godfather, Harry! I've come to make it so you can go to the Ball!" Harry stared at Sirius for just a moment (Honestly, who wouldn't?). Several thoughts were running through his mind. Luckily, he was able to put them in order.
"First off, let me just ask you this: Isn't is suppose to be Fairy Godmother?" Harry asked, raising his eyebrow. Sirius scowled.
"NO IT BLOODY WELL ISN'T!!!" He yelled, his face turning red. "Gender discrimination, I tell you! Sure, just because I have these dratted wings," He pointed to the small fairy wings on his back that looked like they were hanging on by super glue. "Does not mean I'm a girl. It's not fair, I tell you!"
Harry looked at him blankly. "I'm not Cinderella. She lives next door. You could probably catch her if you ran fast enough." He pointed to the house next door, ignoring the large carriage and horses and the singing of "Bippidi, Boppidy, Boo".
"Oh, but I'm not here for Cinderella! I'm here for you, Harry! So you can go to the Ball. And you will go to the Ball, or my name isn't Sirius *Holy Crap He's Hot!* Black!"
"But I don't want to go to the Ball." But Sirius wasn't listening.
"Ooh! I've already picked out your dress robes! Personally, I'd choose the Black, but I also think the green would go good with your eyes, and-what were you saying, Harry?"
"I don't want to go to the Ball." Harry said plainly. Sirius' jaw dropped.
"What do you mean you don't want to go to the Ball? Everybody wants to go to the Ball!"
"I don't."
"Why?" Sirius asked, obviously confused.
"I can't dance." He said plainly.
"Oh." Sirius paused. "Well, in that case, you really are screwed." There was a long, awkward silence between the two. Sirius began to pout.
"But why?! I've been planning this night for years. You were suppose to meet Princess Ginny! And fall in love so you can go on a heroic quest to save her!" Harry looked at him oddly.
"Princess Ginny? Why would I want to fall in love with Princess Ginny?" Harry asked, puzzled. Sirius sighed.
"Never mind that. It's time for you to go on a perilous journey to save the Weasley girl. Well, go on now! Off you go! Oh, I suppose you need this, don't you?" He waved his wand.
A sword appeared. Never mind the obvious foreshadowing with the words Godric Gryffindor on them, because apparently JK Rowling just added that in to screw with our minds. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. And I'm quite sure Harry isn't the heir of Gryffindor. Why would you think that? ::points to sword:: ::coughs loudly::
"And I suppose you'll be needing a trusty steed-ah, hell, you can have Buckbeak." He said, pointing to the lazy Hippogriff none of us realized were there. You know, it's funny that the Hippogriff is the symbol of love. Of course, this isn't obvious to the normal, average Harry Potter fan. Therefore it isn't obvious. Because everything in the Harry Potter books are obvious. ::rolls eyes::
And so, rather than going to the Ball like all was planned, Harry began on a perilous journey to save Princess Ginny. Blah, I need a drink. Anyone got any Vodka?