Out of Reach
By Adagio
It was a strange feeling, really. As if someone had knocked the wind out of him and sucked it into a bag. And there was no way for him to reclaim the bag. That someone had hidden it at the top of a tall tree where even Accio Bag could not reclaim it. It was a lost cause.
"I knew you'd get hurt." A voice filled with dread and remorse choked out the same sentence over and over again, his head in his hands. "That's why I tried to get you two to stop. But you never got it…"
"It's alright mate, we're fine, we are." A tall red-haired boy was trying to smile, lying on a bed in the hospital wing with vile potions on a tray on the nightstand next to him, yet it came off as more of an unsatisfied grimace.
Harry didn't say anything. He was crouched in-between the hospital beds of Ron and Hermione with his head between his knees, taking deep, shuddering breaths. Nearby, the beds of Ginny and Luna were silent, albeit a few breaths indicating that they were in a deep sleep. Hermione opened her mouth a few times without a sound, but finally, with a quick glance at Ron, said,
"Harry…maybe….maybe you should rest a bit. You really didn't need to come here for the whole-the whole day and-"
"I'm fine."
The tears that had occupied his voice earlier were gone, replaced by a cutting, shuddering tone that gave Hermione a brief chill down her spine. She took a deep breath.
"Well, alright then. But you should take care of yourself, I'm just saying."
"Yeah, well, obviously taking care of myself is not really my top priority according to you, is it? That's what made me be such a stupid git and try and save Sirius, but look where that got us." He snapped viciously back at her, leaning his head against the edge of the hospital bed and shutting his eyes in anger and undeniable guilt.
Ron furrowed his eyebrows.
"No need to go there Harry. No need. And uh- well…" He stopped, clearly uncomfortable and slid back under the covers, throwing a concerned look at Harry before turning the opposite direction and closing his eyes.
Harry turned his body around and promptly decided to not watch Ron's back. What else did Ron expect? He saw that Hermione was still lying there, unable to move from the spell the Dolohov had set on her in the Department of Mysteries.
"You don't need to do that Harry. Putting your anger out at your friends really isn't the best tactic." She gave him a look as she turned her head towards him reproachfully.
He bit his lip and decided to not curse loudly in middle of a Sunday afternoon at the only friend he had that wasn't dead, at least 50 miles away, or asleep. Instead Harry sighed and put his elbows on her hospital bed, burrowing his head in between his arms. There was a horrible, pronounced silence in the hospital wing as Harry could almost see Hermione biting her lip. He ignored it and tried to think of something that didn't have to do with Voldemort or Sirius. Right now he was failing miserably, even as he was just outlining his plan.
"Um, Harry?" Hermione was speaking with a slight voice, as if she was staring off in a completely different direction than him, and, upon raising his eyes slightly and watching her, Harry realized that yes, indeed, she was.
"What."
"I was just…I've been wondering- and it's ok if you don't want to share this with me but- well- I know something other than- other than you know, him, has been bothering you lately."
Harry said nothing, just stared at the bed sheet in front of him.
"And I think that maybe if you- if you'd like to talk about…what it is then you'd feel- I mean if you want to talk about it then-"
She broke off at the look he gave her and sighed with a heavy breath.
"Harry, I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately but you look absolutely awful. I hope you don't think I'm just going to lie here and let you wallow in this problem without trying to help you. And it's not just me. It's everyone here. They all care about you. And I'm sure you care about us. So maybe-"
"Sirius cared about me. And it was pretty clear I cared about him. But look where that got him. Not so good, was it?" Harry spat bitterly, feeling the tears welling up once more in his eyes, sure to cloud his already dirty glasses even more. "So what'll happen next then, hmm? The reason he tricked me was because he knew I cared about Sirius. And when he finds out about my other friends? I can't let you all just DIE!" He put his head in his hands and sobbed, running his fingers through the unruly hair that was even more so now that he hadn't washed it in weeks. The sobs racked through his body silently. There were no cries or wails coming from Harry Potter, only violent shudders and tears that streamed onto the white linen sheets. He looked up at the stricken face of Hermione.
"Harry…"
"I couldn't bear it if that happened. If everyone else became a so-called victim. How could I live knowing I sent you all to your deaths? You came close enough this time…" He in took a shaky breath and let his head fall down in between his arms once more, unable to hoist himself up. He couldn't hear any more words coming from Hermione's mouth, only a few breaths that sounded like she had fallen asleep. His own body was also becoming ragged and tired; the thoughts that clouded his mind were exhausting him beyond belief. He was still crying, yet his mind was drifting into another state where he was no longer conscious.
Now, he was in a dream-world. The world was gloomy and humid and there was barely any sign of light. Harry couldn't move, but this dark place was strangely comforting. It felt like the place was telling him to go to sleep, enclosing the walls around him.
Hermione lay in the silent hospital wing, staring at the boy at the edge of her bed with his head buried in his arms. Every once in a while, his body would shake and settle down silently. The afternoon sun had disappeared, replaced with a cloud that sent condensed light around the room. She couldn't move much, Madame Pomfrey had told her she was still too weak, but she could move her arms and head now. It was a drastic improvement since the last week.
She felt like she too, could feel Harry's pain from the way his voice evoked emotions inside her that made her want to wrap a large blanket around him and hold him until he got better, until he stopped crying, until he stopped hurting.
After a brief moment of uncertainty, she reached her arms a short distance over to where his head was. Hermione allowed herself to let her hand go down and stroke the sweaty, matted head of Harry Potter. She pulled his bangs out of their position against his forehead and noticed that it was coated with sweat. She tried it wipe it away with her hand, but it didn't do much other than spread it around a bit. Hermione moved her hand to the back of his head and noticed the same thing.
Yet now, he wasn't shuddering. There was a very pronounced, stern look now on Harry's face. He was asleep.
"Sirius…?" He was mumbling now, leaning his head into the hole he had created with his arms.
Hermione recoiled; her hand snapping back into position aside her torso. Tears were streaming into her eyes for a reason she couldn't comprehend anymore. Maybe it was that asleep or awake, Harry would be thinking of the death of the only father figure in his life. Maybe it was that she couldn't help him talk about it. Maybe it was the fact that tomorrow; he wouldn't wake up any happier. And maybe it was because that no matter how hard she tried to make things better, neither would she.
a/n: thank you for reading this fic. It's more of a 'yes it could've happened and not altered the plot much' fic, but it's my understanding of what the characters went through after the fiasco at the end of OotP and trying to make their feelings come out more. It's in essence, an H/Hr fic that foreshadows feelings more than anything else. I'm going to continue it and see where it goes for now.