The Darkest Sunshine
The way the light shone onto the lawn made her heart ache, already weary with too much tender emotion. She grasped at the grass, running her hands among the dew. How late was it? Three' o' clock? Four? It seemed that time had no meaning anymore, that hours passed without her noticing at all. The fact didn't bother her now; after months this way, she was accustomed to it. She was never concerned about getting caught and punished, never troubled herself about what others might think, never thought that her friends might worry. And in all honesty, when this part of her surfaced, she didn't much care.
She laid back, staring at the night sky and reflecting about life. It's funny how the world can turn your heart into merely another weakness. A moment of devotion can be turned into the torment of a lifetime, and the feelings that create a friendship can sometimes be your ultimate destruction. Or in this case, someone else's ultimate destruction. And it was all her fault.
The girl was certain she hadn't always been this way. She had once been full of charisma and idealism, a sparkle of light in a war torn world. Now-- now it wasn't so simple. It was supposed to get easier as time passed, but the opposite seemed to hold true for her. It only got worse. She suddenly recalled something from very long ago, something that had not crossed her mind in years....
"Books and cleverness," she had said, smiling. "There are more important things..."
And there were more important things, and she had learned them all. She had learned that intelligence was wonderful but sometimes the smartest thing to do was break the rules. She had learned that homework was important, but loyalty and friendship more so. And above all, she had learned to love others and be loved in return. The problem was, that love had been his downfall, and hers as well.
The tears came quietly now. In the beginning they had been hot, noisy, rivers of emotion. Sobs had racked her body then, crying until her throat hurt and her eyes swelled shut, crying until she was so exhausted that she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. Ironically, on nights like these, she longed for those first weeks. At least then, she had let go of control, and she had held a glimmer of hope in her heart that someday, someday, she wouldn't feel so miserable. Now she knew better. Now she knew that she would never heal. And she knew that she could never atone for what she had done.
A rustling in the nearby bushes startled her. A moment later, Harry Potter stepped into the clearing and she stared at him in surprise. Nobody had ever found her before. She did that on purpose...because if she hid then she never had to know whether or not someone came to search for her. Deep in her stomach, she felt that they wouldn't. Why would they? Did she deserve that after what she had done?
But yet, here Harry was, striding into the area and laying beside her. They were both silent for a while, until finally Harry spoke.
"We all missed you. Why didn't you come to the party?"
Hermione remained silent.
"Sunshine..." began Harry, but she sat up and hissed at him.
"I told you not to call me that!"
Harry bit his lip. Hermione thought back to the day that he and Ron had given her that nickname. It was the summer after fifth year, and Harry had just explained the prophecy to his two best friends.
Ron sat there, stunned. "So that's means that one of you...one of you has to...die?"
Harry nodded.
"Well, it won't be Harry, now will it?" said Hermione brightly.
Ron gaped at her. "Huh?"
"We're going to be by your side the whole time, Harry. And you have something Voldemort doesn't," she hit Ron for flinching at the Dark Lord's name.
"What's that?" Harry asked wearily.
"Loyalty. Despite all Voldemort's servants--honestly, Ronald!-- not one of them has any real affection or loyalty to him. But you have that, Harry. You have that--in us."
Harry had blinked back tears. "Thank you, Mione, oh, thank you so much."
Ron had stared at Hermione as if he was truly seeing her for the first time. "Well aren't you a right little ray of sunshine?"
Hermione had scowled at him. "No need for sarcasm, Ron. I'm so sick of you using that line. It was funny, like, once, alright?"
"I was serious that time, Mione."
Harry had beamed at her then. "He's right, you know. You've become such an optimist in the last year or so. And you are exactly what I need in a friend right now. So thank you again."
Ron smiled. "Good job, Sunshine."
And the name had stuck. Sometimes they varied it and called her Sunny, but from that point on she was no longer just Hermione. She was the embodiment of sunshine. And she had tried to live up to that name.
But now, after what had happened...she was not Sunshine any longer, and she never could be again.
"Fine, then, Hermione," Harry stressed. "Why didn't you come to the party? It's Graduation!"
"Harry, do you realize that he's been gone nearly a year now? A year in July.."
Harry bit his lip again. "I know."
Suddenly, Hermione felt herself screaming. "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! WHY ME? WHY DID I HAVE TO CHOOSE?" She collapsed into a tangle of curly hair and tears, screaming and clawing at Harry's chest as he attempted to hold her.
"Let it out, love," he whispered, "Let it out."
Hermione cried and cried and cried. "I can't forget, Harry, I just can't forget."
"This is all my fault," mumbled Harry.
"Don't ever say that! Don't you dare say that! It's my fault, Potter. I'm the one that chose. I'm the one that had to pick. I'm the..." she choked on her voice, "I'm the reason he's dead."
"Hermione..."
"I should have just refused," she whispered, "I should have just--"
"You should have just what?" screamed Harry. "You couldn't have not chosen! You know what he would have done!"
"I know," she replied miserably, "I know..."
She was facing him there, in the middle of the Dursleys' living room... Lucius Malfoy himself. Her wand had been taken, as had Harry's and Ron's, who were flanking her.
Harry's Aunt Petunia had died suddenly in a car accident an hour before, and Voldemort hadn't wasted any time in using this against Harry. With the blood protection gone, Privet Drive had been vulnerable. The Order hadn't acted fast enough, and now the Golden Trio was in trouble.
Ron and Hermione had been staying a weekend with Harry, as luck would have it. Every since Moody's interference, the Dursleys had just ignored his presence as best they could. Harry had taken full advantage of this and invited his best friends to come for his birthday, his seventeenth birthday after sixth year. Uncle Vernon had been purple with supressed rage.
Then...Aunt Petunia's car accident. And Death Eaters on the doorstep. And wands taken away, and Lucius Malfoy grinning evilly.
"One of you will die tonight," he grinned. "One of you will die. The only question is, which one?" His fellow Death Eaters snickered.
Hermione had exchanged confused looks with Harry and Hermione. Why didn't he just kill all of them? Or Harry, whom everyone knew Voldemort wanted dead?
"He wants to make us suffer," mumbled Harry out of the corner of his mouth as the realization struck him, "He knows that we function as a unit."
"Who shall it be?" grinned Malfoy. Though nobody thought he expected an answer, to everyone's surprise, Hermione stepped bravely forward.
"I'll go," she said, unable to keep her voice from shaking. "Take me."
"NO!" screamed Harry and Ron.
"Ah, the courageous little Mudblood," said Malfoy. "But my dear girl, you should know that the Dark Lord never takes a willing victim." And in one swift movement, he had grabbed her around the waist, his wand against her throat. Harry and Ron each had a wand on them as well from two other Death Eaters.
"Choose," said Malfoy in a deadly voice.
"Wh-what?" stuttered Hermione.
"I said, choose. One of them will die. Which one?"
"We all know you'll kill me any way!" screamed Harry.
Malfoy laughed, a cold, hideous laugh. "There are other ways of destroying a man. CHOOSE!" he bellowed at Hermione.
"Me! Me! Take me!" she'd yelled.
"NO. One of them must die. You have thirty seconds to pick," he added, "Or I will kill you all."
"No!" she screamed desperately. "No, no, no!"
"Twenty-five seconds."
Harry and Ron had both been stock still during this ordeal. Hermione had been looking at the ground, but finally she looked up and gazed at her two favorite people in the world.
Harry was looking at the floor as well, but Ron lifted his eyes and met hers. His face had tears streaming down it, and he gave a weak smile. Then, slowly, he nodded. Hermione gasped.
"You know what you have to do, Hermione," he whispered calmly. "You know what you have to do. Harry has to go on."
Hermione shook her head and Harry yelled incoherent things.
"Twenty seconds."
"Yes, Sunshine. Do you remember the chess board guarding the Sorceror's Stone?" Ron asked.
Hermione nodded and so did Harry. They understood...Ron had been forced to sacrifice himself then, just as he wanted to do now.
"Tell my family I love them," Ron whispered.
"No, Ron, I won't do it!" Hermione protested, tears running down her face.
"Fifteen seconds."
"Please, Sunshine, or we all die."
"Then we die together. That's the way it should be," Harry spoke up. Hermione nodded in agreement.
"That's selfish. Harry has to go on. Please, mates, just...do this. For everyone that ever fought...Voldemort. For the Potters. For Sirius." It was the first time Ron had ever said You-Know-Who's name, and his friends knew he was trying to prove he was serious.
"NO!" yelled Harry. "Not another one," he whispered, "Not another one because of me."
"Ten seconds."
"Tell me good-bye, mates. I love you, Sunshine. You always did light up my day. And I love you, Harry. You're the best friend I ever had. Now tell me good-bye," commanded Ron.
"I love you, Ron," whispered Harry, reaching over and holding Ron's hand in his own. If his best friend was going to die, the least he deserved was someone to hold his hand while he did. "You'll always be my best mate."
"I love you, Ron," said Hermione, sobbing, hardly able to stand.
"Five seconds."
"Now do it," whispered Ron, closing his eyes.
"Ron," said Hermione. "I choose Ron."
"Good-bye, Harry. Good-bye, Sunshine."
There was a flash of green light. And Ron was gone. Still holding Harry's hand, who was kneeling next to his body, crying and screaming in fury.
"Stupid girl," laughed Malfoy. "You should have known we'd never kill Harry Potter without the Dark Lord present. We just wanted to make him weak. And thanks to you, we have. One friend gone and the other is the reason. Think Potter will ever forgive that? The Golden Trio is dead." And with several loud pops, all the Death Eaters had gone, leaving a body and two broken Gryffindors behind.
"He was right, Harry, he was right," sobbed Hermione. " I was a stupid girl, and I don't know how you'll ever forgive me. You had to hold his hand while he died! I killed Ron! I killed your best friend! I killed my best friend!"
Harry grabbed her hand and squeezed it hard, trying to bring her back from hysteria. "Listen to me, Hermione, LISTEN TO ME. Malfoy was going to kill Ron anyway. Otherwise he would have just killed you when you volunteered. He wanted to break us, because he knew I couldn't go on without your support. And so, rather than take someone who was willing to die for me in loyalty, he killed Ron and made you feel guilty for it. So Ron's gone, but for all purposes, so are you, Hermione. He's breaking you."
Hermione stopped crying and stared at Harry. "You don't think it was my fault?"
"No," answered Harry firmly. "And neither does Ron."
"I'll never be the same," said Hermione weakly.
"No," replied Harry, "Neither will I. But you have to get it together. You can't come out here every night and blame yourself. You've got to stop feeling guilty. Because I can't defeat Voldemort without you, and if I can't then Ron died in vain."
"It's...it's going to be hard."
"I'll help you," Harry stared at the stars in the sky. "And so will Ron."
"I love you, mates." mumbled Hermione, still clutching Harry's hand. She stretched out her free hand in the other direction as though holding someone else's on that side.
"We love you, too," whispered Harry. To Hermione's surprise, she felt a warm pressure in her free hand, as though someone was indeed there.
"Ron," she mumbled.
"Look, the sun is rising."
And so Harry and Hermione sat in silence, watching the sun come up.
"Maybe some day I will be Sunshine again," said Hermione. It was the first time she had ever felt that way.
"Hermione," breathed Harry suddenly, "look at what color the sky is!"
It was the exact same shade as Ron's hair.
If someone had come by and glanced at the top of the hill at that moment, they may have glimpsed three shadows there, watching the sun come up over Hogwarts, holding hands and looking as if they were the best friends that ever lived.
And they were. They were indeed.