DISCLAIMER - Okay I own nothing and I am making no money what so ever. If u recognise it ain't mine if u don't then it either mine or you haven't read the books it from. K house cleaning taken care of now :)
Hmmm, this start just after Harry gets to HQ. He was only at the Dursleys for two weeks and no charges were pressed for the dementors. Basically Harry knows something is different with him and after talking with Hermione they talk to Dumbles. Lots of secrets in here, as well as a few twists I add in later (some of them go against the HP story line.) To see what happens keep reading.
BTW Ron and Hermione have been dating since the yule ball but that is only mentioned briefly and they break un almost instantly, but I had to have it as a way of forming a rift between Harry and Ron. (even when they arte together there is more H/H the R/H anyway)
Oh and please please review as this is my first HP fanfic. Flames are welcome as long as they help me improve.
Pi Girl - OOOOH someone reviewed yah you get chocolate *gives out big block of honeydukes chocolate* grrr, I was so sure I had fixed all the weird gaps, but they came back when I saved it as a new format. Oh well all fixed now. Glad you like character rambling. It took a few edits to get that right cause I have a habit of trying to get right to the point which ruins convo's between characters cause they say stuff with no interaction. Hope to see you again soon
Chapter One - Feelings
*****
Harry was sitting with Buckbeak, silently running his hands through his feathers.
"Hey. Did you miss me?" he asked.
Seemingly in response to Harry's question, Buckbeak tilted his head and looked into Harry's startling emerald eyes.
Remembering what Hagrid had said in third year about not trusting people who blinked too much, Harry strained his eyes. After what felt like hours, Buckbeak slowly closed his eyes and looked away.
"I missed you too."
A small sigh escaped Harry's lips as he continued, "For so long I wanted to be out of that place. Now that wish is granted and I feel no different."
Tears prickled Harry's eyes as he remembered what the last few days had been like.
"I kinda wish I was back there. When people I love look at me the same way the Dursleys look at me I feel disgusted with my self. Like everything that they have ever told me is true."
"When they look at me, I don't feel anything. When people around here look at me like they do, it makes me feel terrible, like I shouldn't even be here. The one place where I should be accepted and I feel more out of place then I ever felt there."
He scoffed, "To have people you love stop talking when you enter the room, be forcibly nice to you, give you sideway glances out of the corners of their eyes when you think they won't notice. I feel so out of place. I've defeated Voldemort four times BY MYSELF. Don't I deserve to know what is happening out there? He's already made it clear he's after me and I don't even know why. No one will talk to me about it. And that's when they even talk to me not about me!"
Numbly, Harry remembered the way Dumbledore had avoided even saying hello since he had arrived. Harry dropped into a seat and was surprised when Buckbeak's wing brushed his arm as he arranged himself next to the seat. They sat there in silence for what seemed like ages. Buckbeak watching as Harry's head raised and his face lifted at a realisation.
Harry made his way to the door and just as he was reaching for the handle, the door swung.
"Hi, Harry. I thought I might find you here."
Harry felt his gut turn as Hermione gave him a small smile.
"You were looking for me?" he asked, slightly puzzled as he moved aside and allowed her entrance to the spacious room.
"Course. Why wouldn't I be?" she smiled shyly at him, as her hazel eyes glanced at his face for a brief moment.
As Hermione's eyes rested on his emerald orbs, Harry felt a brief tingle along his spine. As if afraid she would fall into their dark depths, Hermione quickly turned her gaze elsewhere.
"Well, from the way everyone has been acting, I thought I had some disease or something." Harry forced a smile on his face as he half-heartedly attempted to lighten the mood.
"Harry what's wrong? " Hermione asked as she moved closer to him.
Harry stared at her for a moment as if contemplating if the truth was worth it.
"I..." he began but stopped when he looked into her eyes, unable to hold her gaze for more then a moment.
Harry quickly diverted his eyes onto an extremely appealing patch of floor hoping she hadn't noticed.
"Sit down," he told her, his voice had suddenly taking on a hint of defeat compared to his earlier tone.
Hermione wasn't quite sure if he had requested or ordered her to sit. But before she could really contemplate saying no, he found her gaze and this time was determined to hold it regardless of the way his body tingled when he did.
"Please," he begged.
Unable to resist the broken look in her friend's eyes, Hermione Granger felt her feet carry her to a comfortable looking chair.
Harry positioned himself into the chair beside her. Dimly she heard the door close.
"Harry please talk to me. I've see how you've been acting lately it's as if something is eating you from the inside." Hermione begged trying to find his eyes with her own. "Look at me Harry."
Slowly Harry found his head rising against his will meet her eyes.
"Please talk to me, I may not understand but I want to try I want the glow back in your eyes I don't want to look at you and be consumed by sadness. For once I want to look at you and see you're truly happy like you used to be."
Harry was shocked he didn't think anyone had noticed how dull his eyes had become lately, after a long pause he nodded, "To tell you the truth I don't know."
He paused staring into the fire for a moment, preparing him self to bear his heart to his best friend.
As he found Hermione's eyes studying him he realized that he could tell her everything. She had always been there for him even when others ridiculed him, even more so then Ron who was easily awed and overwhelmed by the "Harry Potter" to just see Harry.
"Since I was a baby, Voldemort has been after me. He's tried to kill me but for some reason he can't. I survived the killing curse twice, Hermione. It's shouldn't be possible yet I've done it. I survived Voldemort four times defeated him three of those times. It's not normal; I'm not normal, he's defeated greater wizards then me yet I'm still here. There has to be a reason for it."
"Something inside me is yelling at me that I'm different. All my life I've felt different from everybody, separated by some force. When I came to Hogwarts, I thought that would change that; that's what was missing that was the big secret. But the more time I spend there the more I know there is something more than that, more to me. Even the one place I feel at home I still feel alienated."
Harry hadn't paused or even moved his glance from the fire since he started. He was afraid that if he even so much as looked at the hazel-haired young woman who was his best friend, he would lose all control and nothing would be able to stop him. Now, at last he stopped and looked into her eyes for a second, as if coming to a silent realisation. When Harry's eyes met her own Hermione felt as if time itself had stopped.
When at last he broke the silence, Harry's voice had taken on an intensity and his eyes seemed to glow with power.
"I feel like there's something missing; I know there's something missing. I can feel it under my skin, in my veins. Every time I cast a spell it's as if there's all this power in my body just waiting to be used. Whenever I faced Voldemort, I could feel the power seep though my skin as if it wanted to be used, as if it wanted to protect me. I felt... I can't really explain it.
"Whenever I use a spell, I feel like there's this power there waiting for me, as if there's something I can do... it's to hard to explain, you have to experience it... to fully understand what it's like." While Harry was explaining this, his eyes had begun to sparkle as if he was glowing.
"I think I understand... to a small extent anyway. How it feels to somehow know there is something there that you can't quite grasp. It's as though you know it's there and you know it's meant for you but you don't know how to use it. Sometimes you get this feeling like you're being consumed by power and when that happens you know exactly what to do, it makes you feel alive as nothing has before. When you do any magic you can feel the power but the second you focus on it, it disappears"
As Harry watched Hermione put into words exactly how he felt, he saw her eyes change, her normally chestnut eyes looking as though flames were consuming them. Though the flames weren't dreadful or even unnerving, they seemed to be rejoicing that they had finally found someone to which they could relate to someone who would understand. Harry always though he could read Hermione through her eyes and now he understood why.
"I never though someone else could understand." they both said at the same time, joy filling their hearts while their voices filled the room.
"You always though like it was just your imagination," Harry smiled at her.
"Or the happiness of being able to do something you used to think was
impossible," Hermione added know that finally someone would be able to
understand her.
"Or just the need to feel," Harry whispered, suddenly consumed by the urge to take Hermione in his arms and kiss her. He started to move towards her but Hermione beat him to it by throwing her arms around her neck and hugging him before returning to her seat smiling.
Harry had no idea how long they sat there both overwhelmed by the fact that they were no longer alone. The silence was strangely comfortable as they waited. They knew they were waiting but neither had any idea for what.
"What were you about to do before I came looking for you?" Hermione asked casually after a long time in silence.
"I was about to write to Dumbledore. I know he knows what this feeling is, something inside screams at me that he's always known about it."
Harry didn't need to say anything else. Hermione knew what the feeling he was talking about was, it was the same thing she experienced when she was about to answer a question then something screamed at her to write something else instead. It was the feeling she got when something was wrong or when she just knew that Harry was in danger.
"It sounds like a plan." she smiled, overwhelmed by the fact that Harry understood, "I'll go get some parchment." Just as she was about to move, Harry's hand did a strange sort of flick and to the surprise of both of them a roll of parchment and a quill appeared in his hand.
Neither bothered to comment, knowing that soon enough they would have answers. They looked at each other as if asking what to write; they didn't want to put too much in writing in case the letter found it's way into the wrong hands.
Finally they agreed on one of the several attempts at a letter and reading it over once more in his head Harry led to way out of the room in search for Hedwig.
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