A/N: First off, I would like to apologize for my extremely long break between chapters! Please give me a chance to explain, though I know it makes little difference to you. School, as usual, is consuming more and more of my time to the extent that I do nothing else; I'm sorry for this, but I'll never be able to pursue the writing career I want if I disregard my studies now, and this fanfic is just for fun in the end. Also, I've been ultra-busy with the holidays and my best friend died recently, so I've been dealing with that.
This chapter is a bit shorter than they have been lately, but it's decent length nonetheless and perhaps some of you will prefer that. Anyway, more will be coming just as soon as I can get around to writing it- I promise.
Also, for those of you who have been asking when the Harry/Hermione romance will play in more prominently, it is coming, and when it does come I think you'll rather enjoy it. In the meantime, please bask in the Harry/Hermione goodness that is already present- because there's quite a bit of it, even if it isn't accompanied with flashing red lights and sirens to alert you to its immediate presence.
Sorry again, and thank you very much for your patience and understanding, and for continuing to return to the story despite my inconsideration,
Casey (padfootmoony13)
Chapter 19- Giddiness and Shame
Sunday evening arrived and brought with it gloomy weather. Rain pattered against the corridor windows as Harry made his way to Dumbledore's office. Once he was settled in a warm and comfy chair, a tiny cup with dregs of tea left forgotten at the bottom like men lost to the sea, their lessons began.
"Now, let's get started, shall we?" Dumbledore announced merrily, gently setting his cup on the matching plate next to him. In one flowing, graceful movement he stood and Harry soon followed. "Professor Snape has built a great base for us to build off of…" Harry made a faint sound of disapproval under his breath. "…now all you must do is focus. I must ask you to do that, Harry, because no matter how long I spend teaching you, it is all completely futile without a true positive effort on your part. Now, stand still and face me- look me in the eye. Good. Ready? 1, 2, 3 Legilimens."
Harry felt the effect of the spell instantly. Before he had a chance to settle his thoughts, images popped one after the other into his mind's eye, flickering like a projector slideshow. Snape was standing over him with a wicked sneer on his face, frowning at the contents of his cauldron and vanishing them with a wave of his wand… Mr. Weasley and Lupin were led through the doorway in the back of the courtroom before it slammed shut… he and Hermione were studying together in the library… Sirius was flying away from the castle on Buckbeak… Sirius' head was in the fire, green and detached… Sirius was falling backwards into the veil…"
"NOOOOOO!" Harry was on the ground, his head throbbing. He opened his eyes to the painful light of the fire beside him and squinted up at Dumbledore, who was standing unnaturally still and looking straight at him. Harry knew Dumbledore had lifted the spell after the last image in an attempt to spare him, but he wasn't quick enough. His chest constricted in something quite different from the ache of the spell.
He groaned as he raised himself to his feet, using the chair behind him for support. Dumbledore continued looking at him, although Harry felt that he was almost looking through him. He didn't need that. Hadn't Dumbledore seen his thoughts enough already? Hadn't Harry just exposed how weak he was, and now Dumbledore was scrutinizing him yet again like some specimen under a microscope.
"I have to go Professor, I'm not feeling well."
"Harry, I-"
"I don't want to talk about it," Harry said firmly. "I'll be sure to be a good boy and practice until next week. Goodnight, Professor."
Harry barely heard the faint, "Goodnight, Harry. I'm sorry," as he closed the door and strode back through the deserted hallways, straight to his bed, where he pulled the covers up to his chin, curled up on his side, and considered whether or not he could control the weather- because it seemed to be reflecting his mood perfectly.
The next morning Harry was miserable. How had he forgotten that Sirius' image was bound to come up during Occlumency lessons? The physical toll on his mind was tough to bear with, let alone the pain that accompanied his darkest thoughts. How was he ever going to be able to go through the lessons without being driven insane with the thoughts stoked from the fire in his mind like failing logs?
As Harry struggled with this, Ron and Hermione walked alongside him down to Hagrid's Hut for their first Care of Magical Creatures lesson of the year. It was the only class the three had together, and if Harry had been in a better mood he would have been enjoying it. Instead, Hermione and Ron were arguing about what Hagrid would likely have for them to observe. Hermione thought it would be an ashwinder while Ron insisted it would be a new hybrid of a dragon and a basilisk that Hagrid construed over the summer.
"Or maybe he'll show everyone Grawp!" Ron offered as they walked down the hill toward the small stone cabin where a small crowd of red and green was already gathered; they were stuck with the Slytherins again.
"Ron, come off it," Harry said grumpily. "Hagrid's not that clueless. He's not about to announce the existence of his half-brother to the entire school, when keeping Grawp here is illegal in the first place."
"It was only a suggestion was all," Ron replied defensively. "Blimey, what's gotten into you?"
"Nothing," Harry muttered, taking a seat on the lawn. Hermione sat down close beside him, crossing her legs in front of her.
"Did something happen in Occlumency?" She asked quietly while Ron chatted with Seamus a little ways along the hill. Harry nodded, plucking a strand of grass from the ground and twirling it in between his fingers. "Do you want to talk about it?" Harry shook his head `no'. Then he found himself talking anyway, feeling the need to let his worries out.
"It's just I've been having really bad dreams ever since, you know, that day," Harry turned to face her. "And now with Occlumency lessons, I'm being forced to relive those memories again, you know? And not only that, but Dumbledore's observing me the whole time. Who knows what's going on inside his head? He probably thinks I'm pathetic."
"He doesn't think that," Hermione said quickly, grabbing his shoulder. "And you should look at these lessons as a blessing rather than a punishment."
"How so?"
"First of all, there's no Snape anymore, so that's good." Harry smiled slightly despite himself. He had to agree with her on that one. "And this will also prevent something like that from ever happening again." She hesitated at the word `that', careful not to upset him. "Think about it. Once you know Occlumency well enough, you can probably control your own thoughts to some extent as well as block other people from your thoughts. Maybe it will help you get rid of your bad dreams."
"I guess you're right," Harry said sullenly as Ron approached and sat down on his other side.
"Where's Hagrid?" Ron asked. Hagrid was nowhere to be seen.
"He probably was taking a walk through the woods and got his bushy hair tangled in some branches." Harry twisted his neck around to see Malfoy flanked by his cronies. "If you're quiet you can hear some screams… `Help, I'm stuck in a bloody tree's branches again!'"
"Shove it, Malfoy," Hermione said above the Slytherins' laughter.
"Why of course you're sympathetic Granger. You've probably had the same thing happen to you at least a few times, with that….is that really hair? Gosh, it looks more like a Doxy's nest."
"You're one to talk, Malfoy," Ron said defensively, standing up alongside Harry to meet him face-to-face, "With that greasy smattering of hair. Tell me, what's your secret? Do you just take the grease from your forehead to slick it back like that, or do you use the slime from your snotty nose?"
Malfoy abruptly stopped laughing. His face turned red and his hand clenched his wand tight in his pocket.
"You're going to pay for that o-"
"`Ello Harry, Ron. Is there a problem here?" Hagrid was standing behind Malfoy, a huge burlap sack slung over his shoulder.
"I don't know, is there a problem Malfoy?" Harry said in a tone he knew tormented him.
"None," Malfoy said icily, and continued under his breath, "that I need some filthy half-giant to handle."
Luckily Hagrid didn't appear to hear him. He smiled and said, "Good. Let's all settle down on the lawn here then."
"Hagrid, what's in the sack?" Ron asked, pointing at it.
"Oh tha'. Yeh'll see in a moment. I've got a great lesson planned fer today, yeh're gonna love it."
"Does it involve anything fire-breathing by any chance?" Ron asked uneasily.
"Nah, not these. I know that sounds like a bit of a disappointment, but I assure yeh it'll be a good lesson jus' the same."
"Oh, I think I'll still enjoy it."
Hagrid grinned and said, "That's the spirit!" before they followed him over to a long wooden table set out to the side of his hut, along the edge of the forest. "I was `specting to see yeh three down here `fore now," Hagrid continued as they continued.
"We're sorry, Hagrid," Hermione said. "We've been meaning to, honestly, but…."
"Aw, yeh don' have ter explain, Hermione. I understand yeh all have schoolwork to be tending to. `Specially you, Harry, from what Dumbledore tells me. Lord knows I'm proud of yeh, taking on all this responsibility in preparation for fulfilling the-"
"Er, yeah Hagrid. Thanks," Harry blurted, frantically meeting Hagrid's eye to warn him to stop. Luckily Hagrid seemed to pick up on the fact that something was wrong, and he dutifully changed topic. Harry almost fainted with relief.
"Can yeh all make it down here Thursday evening for a short visit? Bring yer cloak."
"We can manage that alright," Ron replied as they stood alongside the table.
Hagrid swung the sack down on the table as he smiled at them. Then he straightened back up again, cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Hey! Gather `round, gather `round. The lesson's startin'."
Everyone filed less-than-eagerly over to the table. Parvati stood with her arms crossed in front of her, scowling at the empty table. Lavender blew a large bubble of gum and allowed it to pop loudly. She leaned over close to Parvati's ear and whispered, "I do hope this class will be better than last year. Of course, our only hope for that rests in whether or not Professor Grubbly-Plank returns."
Parvati grinned wickedly and whispered back, "I don't see why they can't hire her in addition to Hagrid. I mean, both Firenze and Trelawney are teaching Divination now, aren't they? Like, maybe Hagrid could teach the lower classes and Grubbly-Plank could take the upper. After all, the earlier classes are easier, I'm sure Hagrid could at least manage those."
"They aren't as important either. Now that we're moving into some of the more complicated creatures, it only makes sense that our teacher should be..." she trailed off and glanced contemptuously at Hagrid out of the corner of her eye, "basically competent."
Parvati nodded seriously as both she and Lavender reestablished their disapproving composure.
"I ought to hex them both into oblivion," Ron snarled to Harry under his breath. They were both standing near Parvati and Lavender and overheard their little debasing conversation.
Harry held out his hand cautiously as Ron slowly withdrew his wand; as happy as he would have been to allow Ron to hex them both, even shoot a few himself, he didn't think they'd think it was such a good idea after they were both shoved on a train back to their homes.
"Now, let me show yeh what I've got `ere," Hagrid announced. He reached a hand into the sack and withdrew a jar the size of an average jam jar. Inside, a tiny brilliant blue creature with a stinger attached to its rear and wings attached to its head flitted around, buzzing against the sides of the jar. It twirled around the jar, observing everyone through its tiny bug eyes. Several people started laughing and whispering to the people next to them, clearly happy at Hagrid's choice of creatures for the day's lesson.
Hagrid had an enormous grin plastered on his face as he said, "Anyone know what this bugger is?"
Hermione's hand shot in the air, along with several others.
"Dean?" Hagrid pointed over at the boy.
"It's a billywig."
"Very good. Ten points for Gryffindor. Now, can anyone tell me what billywigs are known for?"
Again, Hermione's hand was found high in the air. Hagrid pointed at her and she immediately began her deliverance.
"They're known for the effects of their sting. When a person is stung by a billywig, he or she will grow dizzy and loopy, feeling a strong sensation of light-headedness and silliness. Then they will levitate. The effects will last for around thirty minutes at most, although if the person is stung more than once in frequent intervals, he or she will feel the effects for a fair amount longer."
"Exactly! Another ten points to Gryffindor! Now, what I want yeh to do today is tempt the billywigs with the food they like and then catch them in a jar. This is how yeh'd handle them in the wild, see, if yeh were tryin' to capture them. They like all sorts of sweet fruits, but I find they flock to sugar-coated strawberries the most. As they can prove to serve as a useful temporary pain medication in emergencies, it's good to know how to get yer hands on `em, since they're quick little things without the proper lure.
"Now, Dumbledore did me the service of comin' down `ere earlier and makin' this line here." He traced the outline of a purple line in the shape of a hexagon drawn on the grass nearby with his finger. It was around the size of the Entrance Hall. "What'll happen is it will send out a shock at anything that walks over it, since its marks where an invisible cage, if yeh will, is."
"Then how're we supposed to get in it, if it'll shock anyone that steps in or out of it?" Pansy Parkinson asked impatiently.
"I'm getting' to tha', give me a sec. As I was gonna say, it only delivers a slight shock. To us it will feel like a little buzz, a tiny vibration. It's like when yeh get hit with a spell, right, only slightly stronger. But to the billywigs, well, let's jus' say it'll hold `em back.
"So, grab a jar and head on into the hexagon. Don't be afraid of their sting, either. It won't really hurt more than a prick, and yeh won't feel much pain after tha' anyway."
There was a slight stampede as everyone shoved forward eagerly to claim a jar. Crabbe and Goyle plowed through the group, shoving people out of the way.
"There's no need ter shove now, there's plenty to go around!" Hagrid yelled.
Harry and Ron finally reached the burlap sack and managed to get a hold of some jars. Harry grabbed one for Hermione as well, who was leaning patiently against a tree, waiting for the crowd to clear. She thanked him for his concern, evoking a smile from him and a frown from Ron.
"These ought to cheer you up a bit, Harry," she commented as they stepped into the hexagon. Hagrid was right: it didn't hurt much at all. However, it was enough to startle many of the girls. Hermione frowned at them all distastefully and remarked, "Wimps," under her breath. Harry smiled. When he thought about it, Hermione was substantially braver and stronger than most of the girls he knew around Hogwarts. Try as he might, he couldn't really imagine them doing half of the things she had done over the years on their many adventures together.
"Let's set these puppies free," Ron said, twisting the lid of his jar off. The billywig shot out immediately and made a beeline for Ron, its rear end thrust toward him. Ron yelled and ducked down, but not quickly enough. The billywig's stinger made contact with Ron's shoulder, even as Ron thrashed his arms. It then pulled back out again and buzzed off. Harry stepped over and pulled Ron to his feet, laughing at his silly smirk.
Ron staggered a bit and giggled. "Bloody hell. You look kinda blurry, Harry. Are you moving really fast or am I just seeing things?"
Harry glanced over at Hermione, who was laughing at Ron. "Yeah, I forgot to mention that vision is distorted a little too."
Ron loped over to Seamus, stumbling back and forth like a drunk, and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hello, Hermione! You look pretty today." He fell into another fit of giggles.
Seamus gave him a strange look and took a slight step back. "Weasley, are you feeling alright?"
"Of course I am, Hermione! My, your voice sounds rather deep. Perhaps you are mistaken, for it sounds like it is you who is sick."
Harry and Hermione doubled over in laughter. Soon billywigs were flying every which way, bouncing off the invisible walls with outraged cries. Harry and Hermione had both been stung once each and Ron had been stung twice more, when he tried to catch one in his bare hands straight out of midair. However, it turned out that the strong effects, including the levitation, only lasted for around five minutes; after that, all that was left was a lingering sense of euphoria and a grin.
Hagrid entered the dome with a large tray of sugar-coated strawberries and distributed one to everyone. When he handed Harry his, he leaned down and said, "I'd like to have a word with yeh after the lesson's up, if yeh don' mind."
"No, of course I don't mind," Harry replied. He did not have anything urgent to attend to, apart from lunch, as this was a double lesson. There was time to spare.
Harry located Ron and Hermione attempting to attract two billywigs to their jars, in which they had dropped their strawberries.
"This has been a surprisingly good lesson," Ron commented, holding his jar an arm's length from himself. "I actually kinda like these things."
"At least I haven't heard any complaints yet; that's always a good sign," Hermione said cheerfully.
"Any idea how many billywigs Hagrid has? There certainly seems to be a lot," Ron suddenly remarked.
"Er, I'd say around sixty," Harry said as a billywig began inching its way toward his jar. "There were still around ten jars left in the sack. Why?"
"Just curious," Ron replied impassively as his billywig finally flew down in the jar and he slammed the lid on it, trapping it in. The billywig did not like being imprisoned again, and it responded by buzzing around the jar wildly, rebounding off the sides purposefully. Ron had to wrestle to keep a firm grip on the jar.
"Bloody git," he said though gritted teeth. "Calm down, would you?"
Harry caught his soon after, though it didn't put up as much of a struggle as Ron's. At first it also hit at the glass, but soon abandoned that maneuver, apparently content to enjoy its feast.
"Why did you get a calm one?" Ron frowned. The jar gave another violent lurch in his hands. He raised the jar in front of his face and yelled, "Would you bloody settle down already?!"
Hermione was also facing troubles with her billywig. It would continuously draw close and then dart away again, leaving Hermione exasperated.
She tossed the jar onto the grass beside her with a cry of frustration. "This method is so stupid! Why don't we simply use a Summoning Charm to catch them?" Harry and Ron both watched as she withdrew her wand, aimed it at the billywig hovering in front of her, and said, "Accio billywig!"
There was a flash of blue light and a high-pitched squeal. A second later the billywig in question was clutched limp in Hermione's hand. She stared at its droopy, still form with wide eyes. Then she loosened her grip and it only remained unmoving on her palm.
Ron leaned close and poked it with a finger. "What'd you do?"
"I-I don't know," Hermione stammered. "I only summoned it and… is it dead?"
Harry picked it off her palm between two fingers and held it close to his face.
"Nope, it's just knocked out is all."
"Ah, I figured someone would try an' summon one." Hagrid peered over Harry's shoulder at the tiny blue, smoking mass.
"Harry didn't do it; Hermione did. We didn't even think about it," Ron offered, earning a glare from Hermione, before she turned swiftly to meet Hagrid.
"I didn't mean to harm it, Hagrid. Honestly, I didn't. It's just my billywig wasn't responding and so I thought that summoning it would be a good idea and-"
Hagrid cut her off with a laugh and a pat on the shoulder. "There, there Hermione. It's alright. I forgot to mention tha' happens earlier, so it's my fault really. They're just too tiny to withstand it, plus there's somethin' about their defense mechanisms tha' causes it too. Besides, it's already startin' to heal. See?" He poked it with his finger and it rolled off Harry's palm onto the ground. "Eh, right," said Hagrid, frowning at it warily. Hermione's eyes widened in concern. "Perhaps we'll give `im a few more minutes to recover." He picked it up gingerly and dropped it into a jar. Tucking the jar under his arm, he made his way back to his hut.
The class ended with a group of very giddy and content sixth-years. Harry explained Hagrid wanted a quick word with him after he, Hermione, and Ron he expressed their approval with the day's lesson, for which Hagrid was extremely grateful.
"So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Harry inquired as Ron and Hermione's heads disappeared over the top of the hill.
Hagrid suddenly grew a bit uneasy. "Um, let's head inside, shall we?"
"Okay," Harry said slowly, eyeing Hagrid suspiciously. Why was he acting so oddly all of the sudden?
They entered his stone hut and Fang bounded up to him, soaking Harry in slobber.
"Down Fang," commanded Hagrid as he pulled him off Harry. He gestured at a chair large enough to fit Harry and Ron. "Have a seat."
Hagrid took a seat opposite him and fixed him with a stern gaze.
"Well, first off I just wanted to ask you how you're doing."
Harry peered at him quizzically. "I'm doing fine," he said uncertainly.
Hagrid waved his hand dismissively. "Yeh know wha' I mean. How're you feeling after- yeh know- the incident."
It finally clicked into Harry's mind what Hagrid meant and he suddenly felt very self-conscious and bothered. "Oh- that. I'm getting by."
Hagrid looked at him with great sympathy. "Tha's good. Obviously yeh're not going ter be a hundred percent yet, but tha's to be expected. I've jus' been worried is all, ever since the end of last year. I couldn't be sure how yeh'd handle it- no one could. But as far as I can tell, yeh seem to be handling it well." He gave him a slight encouraging smile. "And I'm also glad ter see yeh've stopped pushin' Ron and Hermione away."
"What?"
"Oh, well, at the end of last year yeh seemed to be kinda closing yerself in, taking long leaves by yerself to go off somewhere, not talkin' as much. Ron and Hermione were going mad with concern. They'd be down here all the time- Hermione every day- tellin' me how worried they were about yeh and how they didn't seem to be able ter get through to yeh." Harry looked out the window; he was growing rather ashamed of himself. Hagrid shook his head somberly and began talking almost to himself. "Poor Hermione, I've never seen her fret as much as she does lately, especially last year. She'll be steeling down here every other evening, carrying on about how worried she is, crying." Harry looked up at him sharply. "She's worried sick about yeh, Harry. Bless her soul. She even took on this odd schedule this year ter try an' help yeh. And yeh know what? I think she's rather scared."
"Scared? Of what?"
"Of something happening ter yeh. Of not being able to understand yeh as much anymore, to understand what's wrong and what yeh're feelin'. Of yeh closin' yerself off from her."
Harry focused his attention ashamedly at the floor. He had no idea Hermione was feeling all of this. She didn't show it.
"Listen, Harry. Hermione's a bright girl. She knows something's wrong. She seems to think there's somethin' yeh're not tellin' her about, and I do believe I'm right in sayin' that the fact that yeh're keeping something obviously significant to yeh from her scares her too."
Harry felt a sudden overwhelming pressure closing in on him from all sides. It grew hard to breathe normally. He rose and stood by the open window, glaring out at the grounds.
"Harry, is she right? Is there somethin' yeh aren't tellin' her? Something yeh're not telling Ron either?" Hagrid said softly.
Harry's shame was making him feel angry. He didn't feel like being questioned at the moment. He didn't need to be a legilimens to know that Hagrid was referring to the Prophecy. He must have caught on to the fact that Ron and Hermione didn't yet know when Harry silenced him earlier.
"I don't want to talk about it," he said stubbornly. "I've told them all they need to know for now."
"An' what exactly do yeh mean by `fer now'"?
"I mean until I'm ready to talk about it, which I'm currently not! It's my business! I can tell them whenever I bloody well want!"
Hagrid stood up suddenly, a movement that was quite powerful and intimidating given his stature. He grabbed Harry by the shoulder and turned him around to face him, which immensely scared Harry. Hagrid rarely grew angry.
"Now you listen ter me!" Hagrid yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at him. "They have a right ter know! Yeh can't just keep on lying ter them an' think tha's alright, because it's not! How'd yeh feel if yeh found out Ron was lying ter yeh. And about something as important as his role in the War and future? Yeh should be bloody ashamed of yerself!"
Harry tried to twist himself from Hagrid's grasp, but his grip was too strong.
"Hermione's been cryin' over this, likely every day! Cryin'! An' all `cuz yeh're too cowardly to tell her the truth! Tha's not fair, Harry, and I know yeh know it ain't."
Harry gave a mighty twist and Hagrid released him.
"I can't tell them yet Hagrid! You don't understand! And I can tell whoever I want whenever I want, since the Prophecy's about me. Not them- me. I didn't ask for the burden of it and they certainly don't need it either!"
"Harry, yeh're jus' hurting `em more by not telling `em."
Harry didn't know what to say. The accusations Hagrid had thrown at him had hit him hard, and now his vision was growing blurry and his forehead was tightening near his temples and he did the only thing he could think of over his anger and disgrace: he ran. He tore out the back door, up the hill, past the castle, around the lake, and up onto the top of the hill behind it. There he faced the lake and screamed. The birds nestled in the trees behind him took flight as his roar echoed through the valley below. Then he collapsed to the ground onto his back and wished desperately for a form of Occlumency that allowed him to block out his inner thoughts, rather than outer.
A/N: Thanks again for being patient and continuing to read!
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