Authors Notes: A plot! I have found a plot at last! Rejoice, for Epona is back and writing fics again!
I've been thinking up plots and trying to write them down for ages, but with all the hubbub of getting a new laptop, trying to get broadband on it and trying to fix my new forum up as well, it kind of got lost under all the work I had to do. So here it is, my latest fic that was written for a break from all the hectic-ness.
Summary: Harry puts his feelings down onto paper two weeks after fifth year ends., but something is not quite right about the way he is feeling. So what happens when somebody finds the piece of paper? And it just happens to the be the very someone he didn't want to see it…
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Sweet Like Chocolate
I don't really know what's happening here.
It's been two weeks, since Sirius went. For two weeks, I've supposed to have been living in sadness, grieving for him, hating myself for what I did. All those times when I could have got to know him more… all those times when he shut himself in Buckbeak's room and I didn't even bother to go and talk to him. The fact that he needn't have died.
He didn't need to, really.
There was no need for anyone to have gotten hurt that day. If only I wasn't so foolish, and so stupid. I acted too rationally, I acted like an idiot, and because of that, innocent people got hurt.
If only I had listened to her.
All this time, I've been telling myself; I should have listened, I should have been a better friend to her and listened to what she had to say, I shouldn't have been such an idiot. And it's been all I've been thinking about. Her.
That's why I don't really know what's happening.
You see, I'm meant to be in mourning. It's been two weeks… that's not long. I miss him so much, that it's painful. It hurts in my stomach, in my head, and in my chest, where my heart is. It buzzes in me like a sickness, like a bad head cold when your ears make that horrible 'beeeeeeep' sound. Except it isn't a beep that resides in my ears, it's a mantra, going off in my head, that yells at me when I sleep, it screams when I close my eyes and it wakes me when I try to forget. It's yelling; 'You did it… You did it… You should have listened to her…'
And again, it's back to her. Every time I think about Sirius, I think about her. How I should have listened to her, how she must hate me for what I did. How she must blame me for causing her so much pain and giving her an injury that almost cost her her life. How I stupidly forgot for one second that she knows best, that she is always right and she wants to do her best for me.
Always. Every day. She is always there, ready and willing to do anything, as long as it's in my best interests. She only stops me because she knows it's bad for me. She helps me everyday with little things as well as the big things… homework… life… girls even… and I've never really thanked her for it. Hell, I've never even shown any interest in her love life… I've never helped her as much as she's helped me.
And that's all I think about. How I take her for granted all the time.
I'll repay her somehow. I'll really try this year. I know it's nowhere near to apologising for what I've done to her, but I don't know what else to do. I only hope she can forgive me.
The thing is though… I know I should be feeling sorry to her… and I am. But… it doesn't feel like that's it. I don't feel like I'm as sorry as I should be… There's something else. I can't put my finger on what it is, but I know It's there. It's strange… because whenever I think about how sorry I am, I remember things that I didn't even notice that I knew.
Silly things… they seem silly to even bring up. I'm sure Ron doesn't notice these things about Hermione… I'm just wondering why I should. Though I don't think I have a choice… it's just something I do subconsciously.
When I'm thinking about her, I start to think about her and not how I'm sorry to her. I think about her hair of all things… how it smells. It always smells of apples or peaches… it gives off this sort of airy fruity smell, that for some reason, I don't picture anyone else having. When I've hugged her before, I didn't realise it then, but when I sub-consciously run my fingers through her hair when I'm hugging her, it just feels really natural to do it. I don't really need a reason to run my fingers through her hair when I hug her… I don't think anyone else does it though. And her hair is so soft… it's like velvet. When I softly wrap my fingers in it, and she giggles sweetly because it tickles her, I find it really nice, relaxing. It's like a sort of thick liquid… like chocolate running through your fingers, and the fact that it tickles her and makes her laugh make it all the more delicious.
She has a really nice laugh, not like some of the other girls in our house. I remember Parvati and Lavenders' laughs… they're like shrieks… horrible cackling sounds that go right through your head. They don't really seem to be laughing, either. You can just tell that they're only doing it to flirt, or whatever, because when you look at them, their eyes are still normal. I think you can tell if someone is really smiling when the smile reaches their eyes. Dumbledore's smile is like that. So is Hermione's.
Hermione's laugh is sort of almost high-pitched… but not so much that it's a shriek-like cackle like the others. It's sort of breathless… nearly. Shy. I don't know… it just has a certain innocence about it… like she's pure. Her laugh always makes me smile, it's just one of those laughs that are comforting… she laughs, you laugh too. It reaches up to her eyes and makes them shine, they crinkle slightly at the corners and they seem to just lift. They're very deep, and brown, like chocolate… I've said that before, haven't I? She's like Chocolate… I suppose she is in a way.
I think about how much she's grown up, as well. I always remember the first time she hugged me… that was my first ever hug for as long as I can remember. It startled me. There she was, tears welling up in her pretty little eyes, and she was telling me about how there are more important things than Books and Cleverness… friendship and bravery… and she was about to say something else, but then she jumped on me and hugged me tightly. I wish I'd had time to hug her back, I really do, but I was so scared right then, I was eleven years old and I'd never had a girl hug me. I didn't really know what to do. But she did, and she held me tightly, and thinking back on it, I think I really enjoyed that hug. My knees were shaking and my heart pounding, but I felt really safe when she hugged me.
I like hugs a lot more now. I never used to… I always used to pull away when anyone even came near me in Primary school… But then… I suppose there was always that fear that they were going to hurt me in some way, either Dudley had told them to or I'd done something wrong. I expect I was a weird kid in a lot of ways… shy, always small and skinny, doing weird stuff like appearing on top of the school roof and making weird things happen. All the small kids around Privet Drive are scared of me… their parents say that I'm a criminal. I suppose it does give me a little bit of peace, but it does get quite depressing after a while of hearing nothing but insults from all our neighbours. The only one who didn't was Mrs. Figg… and I now know why.
I don't feel like that when I'm with her though. I might feel like it sometimes, when I'm with Ron… I sometimes feel like I'm intruding on him and his family. I know Mrs. Weasley thinks of me as a son, but she's not my mother… and they aren't my family. Though when I'm with Hermione, it's just me and her, really. I don't feel like I'm intruding on anything and I can just sit and talk with her… and be myself.
Anyway, when she hugged me the first time, I remember she was just a skinny little thing, quite bony and thin. I suppose I was as well, so that might have contributed towards that. Now though, she's a lot bigger. Not fat… she's in no way like that… she's just more… filled out… I would say. She has a nice figure… kind of like Cho Chang's… but she doesn't really show it. But you can tell when you hug her, she has got a nice figure.
I'm sort of wondering why I'm picking up on all this now… I mean… they say you don't really fully appreciate someone until they're gone. I don't want to wait until Hermione is gone to appreciate her fully. I want her to know how much I care for her… she lets me know everyday that she cares for me. I want to do the same for her. I want to tell her about all this… how I think about her a lot, how I love her being around, so she'll know how I feel, and she'll know she's appreciated, but for some reason… I'm embarrassed to tell her.
I will one day though. I'll tell her that I love the way her hair feels, smells and how she laughs. I'll tell her how much I love her eyes and they way they crinkle and shine when she laughs. I'll tell her how much like chocolate she is, sweet, addictive and in wizarding cases, healing. I'll show her how much I need her. One day, I'll show her how much I love her.