Tonkspiphany, or Pumpkin Pie a la Tonks
Despite rumors to the contrary, the Gryffindor common room was not dark, dank, and mysterious at midnight. It was not a place for quiet late-night snogging, nor was it was place for the Bloody Baron to hole up when he needed to get away from the annoyance of the Slytherin humans. Nope, not at all.
Instead, it was well-lit, cozy, and spacious; which is precisely what made it ideal for the assistant professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Nymphadora Tonks, to give private lessons for students who (as usual) were not learning a whit from the sitting teacher.
At the moment, however, she was not tutoring Ron Weasley. Rather, she was listening to Ron's one endless gripe: Harry Potter and Hermione Granger.
Or would that make for two endless gripes?
In any case, Tonks wondered when Ron would just shut up about this so-called "problem" and focus on his homework once again.
Unfortunately, this did not appear to be forthcoming.
"I mean, come on, Tonks, they look at each other all the bloody time! Can't they just accept that they love each other, snog, have babies or whatever, and get on with it?"
Tonks, who by now was driven practically insane, merely replied, "Love does things for reasons which reason does not understand."
"What in Merlin's name does that mean?" Ron said, obviously annoyed at Tonks' interruption into his soliloquy.
"It means...that love will take its own course, regardless of what we think or plan. We just have to be willing to do something about it when it happens."
At that, Ron gave her a sidelong look. Suspicious, Tonks narrowed her eyes, "Just what does that look mean, Mr. Weasley?"
"It means..." Ron said, imitating Tonks, "that that's the point, Tonks! They're not doing anything!"
"They will when they're ready. Just be patient."
"I have no more patience! They'd just better hurry up before they drive me completely nutters!"
"Since when did this become about you, Ron?"
Ron threw his quill down on his scroll and huffed. "Are you mad? It was always about me!"
Tonks finally lost her patience, "Ronald Weasley! They're your two best friends! How is this about you?"
"Because they are my best friends!" Ron retorted.
"If it bothers you that much, why don't you just do something about it?"
A glint formed in Ron's eye. It was small at first, but soon expanded to such alarming glare that Tonks began to wonder in the red-headed lad had been slipped something or another by his twin brothers.
"I intend to. But I need your help."
"What?!?"
"Tonks, please, I'm begging you. The two dolts are driving me nutters!"
Tonks glared at Ron, and changed her eye color from a baby blue to a stark purple, just for intimidation. It was a trick that worked quite well on Dark wizards held in captivity.
Ron's mouth dropped. "That's it!"
"That's what?" Tonks asked, irritable that she had failed to dampen Ron's mettle.
"You can pretend to be Hermione!"
"I can what? Ron, that's in violation of at least twelve magical laws that I can name off the top of my head, and probably even more than that!"
"But it's for the greater good!!"
"For who?"
"Me!" Ron exclaimed. "Err....and Harry and Hermione's, of course..."
Tonk sighed and sank back into her plush armchair, "Ron, I am an Auror and a member of the Order of the Phoenix. I cannot jeopardize all of that simply to fulfill a rather pathetic whim you have concerning your best friends."
"But it's not pathetic..."
"Ron, it's a fantasy! Normally, teenage blokes have fantasies concerning themselves and their girl best friends, not their two best friends!"
"Gah! It's not a fantasy! I can't believe you haven't seen this for yourself!"
Tonks sighed. The problem was that she had. Harry stealing looks at Hermione. Hermione blushing. Harry grinning. Leg touches. Not-so-accidental collisions on both parties.
In truth, she knew Ron was right. Something had to be done. Just not like that.
"I can't, Ron...it's immoral and…and…unethical!"
"No, it's not! It's....romantic and helpful!"
"No, Ron, and that's final."
*~*~*~*~*
'How did I get into this again?' Tonks thought to herself.
She was seated in the common room, clad in a Hogwarts robe, something that she hadn't worn in years. And wondering how Ron had roped her into this. She was risking her job! Her prestige! Her dreams!
And she really didn't want to know where Ron had hidden Hermione.
*~*~*~*~*
"C'mon, Hermione!" Ron said, slightly annoyed with his fellow prefect and female best friend.
"Ron! No! I'm not ditching classes today!" She pursed her lips in anger. "And how in Merlin's name, did you get into the girl's dorm?"
Ron really didn't want to answer that question, as Tonks had supplied him with a potion used by certain Aurors for deep penetration missions. And he really hoped the effects on certain organs weren't permanent.
"That doesn't matter, Hermione. C'mon, I'll take you to Madame Puddifoot's!"
"Madame Puddifoot's?! Just what do you take me for, Ron?!"
Ron sighed, in the heat of the argument, he'd simply spouted off the first Hogsmeade restaurant that came to mind. It was Luna's favorite place; she claimed the tea had good hairs...whatever that meant.
"Ugh! I can't believe you, Ronald Weasley! How dare you come on to me like that?! Especially when you're going out with Luna!"
Ron sighed again. "Hermione, I-"
"You know that I don't think of you like that! We cleared that up after fifth year! Now leave, Ron, before I hex your nose off!"
Ron rubbed his nose self-consciously. He rather liked his nose and he wasn't in the mood to lose it.
But, on the other hand, if he left...
Well, Ron thought, I suppose Madam Pomfrey would be able to fix it.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Tonks shifted uncomfortably in her chair. So far, she had managed to evade questions from Harry concerning Ron's whereabouts and successfully eat a Hogwarts breakfast. So far, so good. The real problem was going to be when she had to, well...
Come on to Harry.
"Err, Hermione, are you okay? You've been rather quiet all morning."
Tonks gave a small smile and looked up into the emerald eyes of Harry Potter. His eyes showed a sincere concern for her safety.
"I'm...fine, Harry. Thanks for asking."
Harry gave a noncommittal nod and fleshed out his smile. Tonks recognized it immediately. Ron normally spent at least an hour or two grousing about how Harry had just one smile for Hermione Granger, and she was looking straight at it now.
Right now, the only thought going through Tonk's mind was that it's a good thing Harry's way too young for her....because that smile could make anyone fall for him.
Well, actually, she really wasn't that old...suddenly realizing what she was thinking, she quickly snapped her attention back to the task at hand.
"So, what do you say to a little Hogsmeade adventure tonight, Hermione?" Harry said, his grin getting bolder with every word.
Tonks struggled with this next part. She gave Harry what she thought to be Hermione's most seductive smile and simply said, "Yeah, that'd be great, Harry."
Harry, momentarily stunned, halted in his tracks. "Really?" he asked, dumbfounded. "You never want to go....you know, because it's breaking the rules and all that!"
"Well," Tonks hesitated, "I just...you know..." she smiled again, "want to have some alone time with you."
Tonks decided to add a nice little touch and so, she nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear while gently biting her lower lip.
It worked. Tonks had never really seen a boy look so floored in her entire life, and suddenly found herself envying Hermione.
Harry, for the most part, managed to maintain his composure and only stammered a tiny bit.
"O-okay! T-then, how about we meet at eleven, in the common room?"
Tonks pretended to be deep in thought, as if considering his words. She looked up to the high ceiling before finally returning her gaze to Harry's sharp emerald eyes. "That would work," she whispered as she brushed Harry's hair out of his eyes and walked away, leaving him speechless.
*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ron! What are you doing?! No! No! Stop!"
Ron grimaced. He really wasn't enjoying this. And if Harry ever found out what he was doing to his precious Hermione, he'd never let him get away with it.
Sighing, he reminded himself why he was doing this again. It's for their own good, he chanted mentally as he continued walking quickly through the tunnel on the way to Hogsmeade carrying Hermione's favorite book which was none other than "Hogwarts: A History".
He continued holding his wand towards the book as he maneuvered it through the winding passageway. "Come on, Hermione, keep coming or the book is toast!"
"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione shrieked. "Stop this instant and give me back my book!"
"Nope. You're not getting this back until we get to Hogsmeade and you've relaxed."
"Then take a vacation for a few hours," Ron gave a grin he thought passed as rakish, but Hermione simply put her hands on her hips and stared down Ron.
"I am not amused."
"I didn't say you had to be," Ron replied, "just relaxed."
"Ronald Bilius-"
"Hermione Jane!" Ron interrupted her with an obvious mocking tone.
Hermione crumpled down to the floor. "Ron...please....not my book. Please."
Ron internally grimaced as he felt his heartstrings give a hearty pull. "Nope!" he reiterated, attempting to maintain his composure.
Hermione stood up once more - rather abruptly, I might add - obviously upset that her plan hadn't worked. "Ugh, Ronald! I'm going to tell Harry about this!"
*~*~*~*~*~*
She had to be a Death Eater.
There was simply no other excuse for it. The Hermione Granger that Harry Potter had known and loved for six years would NEVER, under any circumstances, be acting the way that Hermione was now. Oh sure, the whole lip-biting and date at eleven was reasonable...kind of.
But this was just ridiculous.
Her hand was on his THIGH....his bloody THIGH, and then she leaned over, her lips barely grazing his ear as she whispered, "Did you get the answer to that last question?"
Okay. This was *definitely* not Hermione.
"Okay, who are you? You're not Hermione."
Tonks wasn't sure what to do. She definitely didn't want to blow her cover, so she did the first thing that came to mind....and kissed him.
"Excuse me, Mr. Potter, Miss Granger," a rather oily voice broke in.
Harry's head snapped back and his face flushed.
"Were you enjoying yourself, Mr. Potter?" Snape inquired. "Fifteen points from
Gryffindor...each."
*~*~*~*~*
"Ronald, why are we doing this?" Hermione asked, for the umpteenth time.
Ron was really beginning to be glad that he didn't like Hermione as more than a friend anymore and that, if all went well, she would be Harry's problem starting tomorrow.
"We're just going to be gone, until...well, about eleven o'clock, not a problem."
"Tomorrow morning?"
"No, tonight."
"Oh, thank Merlin. I was really about to hex you."
Ron wheeled around. "So, it isn't all that much of a problem?" he inquired hopefully.
"Well, you're definitely not getting my help on the Potions essay."
That isn't so bad, Ron thought, except for the fact that I'll probably fail Snape's class now…oh, well. He stuffed Hogwarts: A History in the pocket of his robe and grinned, "So where do you want to go?"
Hermione sighed. "Might as well pick up some school supplies; I'm really running low on my Potions ingredients."
Ron grimaced. This was really going to be a long day...
-->