A.N: Hey everyone! I'm back! I can't really say it's good to be back because I wish I had gotten lost on an island. School really does suck when you know you could be swimming in clear blue water instead of sitting in a hard desk listening to a teacher talk only because they love the sound of their own voice. Ugh. Okay, I had a lot of this chapter done before I left so I hurried to finish it for you guys. I re wrote it a lot because I wasn't quite sure where I was heading. I'm still not satisfied but I don't want to keep you all waiting too long : ) Also, I was thinking, instead of write the past in this story, to just write another fic dealing with the past only. I really doubt that made any sense but I hope you guys get my drift. Let me know if you want me to write out the past in this fic as memories or write another fic on it as present time. That didn't make any sense either. ANYWAY, let me know please! It's up to you guys.
Okay, now that I've babbled on for hours, on with the story!
Take Me Away - "Don't Look Back"
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
It's a dream. That's it, I just fell asleep and I'm dreaming of Harry coming here, to see me, to get me out. Only a dream...
"Hermione?" I'm being shaken awake and I'm afraid to open my eyes, just in case I'm dreaming and Harry really isn't here. I squeeze my eyes tight and then open them slowly.
"Hermione? How are you feeling?" Molly Weasley is next to me now, a cool hand on my forehead. I sit up and rub my fingers against my temples, feeling them pounding against my fingertips.
"Oh ..." I groan, my vision still a bit blurry. She helps me sit up, my eyesight returning back to normal. I look around, realizing I'm sitting on the floor in the visitor's room, everyone crowded around me. Everyone but him. Did I imagine him? A part of me hopes so and the other part is screaming for him to be real and solid.
I'm helped to my feet, a hand resting on my arm as I stumble a little. "I'm all right," I mumble, pulling away from the hands holding me up. The nurses and doctor move away and out of the room, almost as if they weren't there. I dust myself off, not wanting to look up and yet trying to control my breathing. I can't keep my face downcast any longer so I bring it up, only to come face to face with the pair of eyes I have dreamed about for two years, the eyes that I used to melt into, and the eyes that turned away when I needed them the most.
"Hermione." He says my name softly, as if it tastes foreign on his tongue. He's looking straight at me and in his green eyes I see a profound sadness. Sad? What does he have to be sad about? Has he been locked up in here for a year, deemed crazy and unintelligent? I suddenly want to make him hurt, like he hurt me. I want him to suffer the loneliness I have felt for so long.
I don't say anything. I don't think I would be able to even if I wanted, my tongue seems to weigh a ton. Mrs. Weasley steps up next to me and speaks up. "Hermione, Harry is going to get you out of here." She's smiling at him but he continues to stare at me with that intense gaze, hesitant to speak.
I want to cry, laugh, and scream all at once. A whirlwind of emotions are running through me and all I want to do is run away. I want to get away from him and Mrs. Weasley, so that's what I do. I spin on my heel and hightail it out of there, almost yelling at the guards to take me back to my room.
When they let the door close behind me I fall down on my bed, my breathing rapid. I have never been so glad to be in this room. I shut my eyes tightly, wondering why my world is suddenly spinning. When I open them, there he is standing near the door, looking the same the last time I saw him only older, wiser, and healthier. His hair is shorter but a little neater than it used to be in school. The glasses are also still there but they fit him now. They make him look sophisticated, I guess. His face is full and clean shaven. The scrawny eleven-year-old Harry is nowhere in sight. What is he doing in here?
"Hermione ..." He takes a step forward as I sit up but I cut him off from saying anything else.
"Hey! Look who it is! Henry! Oh, I mean Harold ..." I fake a look of confusion, my insides burning with rage. "Um, Harry, is it? Yes! Harry! How are you? Long time no see!"
He looks hurt and I'm glad. So glad, in fact, it scares me. "Okay, I deserved that," he mumbles, coming up to me.
"You think?" I growl, jumping to my feet so fast a wave of dizziness hits me. Harry catches me from falling back and his hand on my skin sends a new emotion racing through my blood.
"Whoa, you okay?" he asks gently, pulling his hand back when I turn to glare at him.
"Nice of you to care all of a sudden," I spit back at him, moving away.
He sighs heavily, taking a seat on the edge of my hard bed. I see him trying to get comfortable before giving up. "Look, I'm here to get you out, okay? As much as you hate me right now, I'm sure you hate this place even more. So please cooperate, will you?"
I want to yell at him, hit him, anything at all, but I don't. He's going to try and get me out, something I have been dreaming about every day since the day I was admitted. I might as well wait until after I'm out to hurt him. "Fine!" I reply, sounding like a spoiled brat. I debate whether to sit down next to him or remain standing but I suddenly feel unsteady on my feet and plop down next to him, as far away as possible.
"Are you okay?" he asks, looking concerned. "You're pale."
I turn to glare at him but bite back the insult on my tongue. I don't quite feel right. "Fine, I just haven't eaten in a while and the medicine on an empty stomach isn't helping much," I say instead, not without resentment in my voice.
"You haven't eaten?" he asks, sounding surprised. "Since when?"
"Since yesterday at lunch," I mumble, remembering that I skipped dinner last night.
"Why?"
I sigh in annoyance. "If you see the food you would skip out too. Are you done now? Anymore questions?"
He looks as if he does, in fact, have more to ask but he just shakes his head. "Listen, I'm going to try to get you out tonight, all right? The faster you're out of here the better." He looks around the small room and shivers slightly.
"And how are you going to do that?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest. This seems almost impossible, considering Dr. Fellings would have to give his authorization for my release and from our session today that seems unlikely.
"Money talks," he answers in a matter-of-fact tone, without the least hint of vanity.
I snort. "A lot, obviously. Good luck."
He stands up and moves to the door, stopping to look at me. "Hermione, I know it's going to take a lot of time for you to forgive me but I hope I can make it up to you."
"How many lifetimes do you think you get, Harry?"
I can tell my remark has hit its mark because hurt is not the word I would use to describe the look on his face. Despite my attempt at hurting him, I feel a sting of guilt.
"As many as I have to in order to win you back." And he's gone, leaving me to ponder why I have the sudden urge to cry.
...:::...:::...:::...:::...:::...:::...
Hours pass and the small hope that had uninvitingly flared at Harry's words is now gone, leaving me feeling confused, frustrated, and angry all at once. I lie on my bed as darkness falls, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I stare at the door, have been staring at it since he left, wondering what will happen now.
You think you hate someone, hate them with a passion so raw you convince yourself they're dead to you, and then they waltz back into your life unexplainably and you find you don't hate them as much as you thought you did. No matter how much you want to hate them, you just can't. Just standing in front of me, Harry has thrown everything for a loop. I'm still angry at him, that hasn't changed and won't for a long time, but I can't hate him. He's Harry, how can I hate him?
I wonder what he thinks of me now. In here looking the way everyone thinks I am. Crazy. He doesn't believe that, though. I know he doesn't; I saw it in his eyes. I don't know what's going to happen now. He may fail and leave me in here until, by some miracle, they release me or he succeeds and I'm free. But what happens then? As much as I have dreamed of being released, I never thought about what I would do and where I would go when I was released. I don't have a home; my parent's house was put up for sell after I was thrown in here. They gave me time to pack my stuff and stick in storage, not that it did me any good.
I don't feel comfortable with Mrs. Weasley and her family anymore. I know Ron would be heartbroken at the fact but it's true. Don't get me wrong, I love them with all my heart despite everything that has happened, but it isn't the same anymore. I'm sure you can see why.
And, of course, I have no money so it's impossible to buy my own flat. I'm pretty much stuck either way, now that I think about it. But even living on the street is better than this. Here, I'm not a human being, not an individual. I'm just another person who's drifted to the wrong side and can no longer behave normally. Normally, yeah right.
A knock on the door startles me out of my thoughts and I sit up as Harry walks in accompanied by the famous Dr. Fellings. Harry is smiling, a smile he would have used if he ever won Wizard's Chess against Ron. Fellings looks less than ecstatic. Oh woe is him.
"You're out!" Harry informs me, looking as if he wants to hug me but not sure if I'd hit him or not.
"I'm out?" I repeat, the words not quite processing. The words I've wanted to hear for so long and they don't seem to want to go through my ear and sit in my brain. "You mean, I can leave this place?"
Harry nods vehemently. I'm afraid his neck will snap. I look at Dr. Fellings, who's nodding. "You are being released," he tells me, his tone cold. Does this man feel any emotion? "I have signed your release forms." By the look on his face, he was forced. Now I want to hug Harry.
Instead, I smirk at the doctor. "You signed them? How did that happen?" The sarcasm is oozing out of my mouth. "So you finally believe that I'm not crazy?"
He opens his mouth and looks as if he wants to snap out an opposite reply but Harry turns and looks at him. I wish I could have seen that look because it shuts the guy right up. "You may go as soon as you are ready," he says through gritted teeth and walks out without a backward glance.
Harry and I turn to each other and all I can do is stare. What is there to say?
"You did it," is what I do say.
He nods, that smile back in place. "I did."
"I didn't think you could do it." That's the truth.
"What are you waiting for? I thought you would be sprinting out of here," he says and I suddenly feel like we're back at Hogwarts, best friends again and happy. It hits me for a split second but it leaves me almost breathless. "Hermione?" His concerned look is back.
I blink a couple of times and focus back on his face. I realize what a big thing he has just done for me. Though I haven't forgiven him yet, I'm on the path. "Harry, I, um, don't know what to say." That's also true.
His smile softens. "You don't need to say anything. I have so much to make up for and this is just a small step."
I gape at him. A small step? I don't think he would be saying that if he had been stuck in here. "Thank you. It doesn't seem like enough but that's all I have."
He just shakes his head and turns away, heading to the door. "Are you coming?" he calls over his shoulder and I rush to catch up, not giving this room another glance.
...:::...:::...:::...:::...:::...:::...
Remember the guard who shoved her wand into my back then made me eat that gunk called macaroni and cheese? I always knew people who do wrong will get theirs in the end.
I stop at the sound of the screaming and stand near the office, Harry stopping next to me. "What is it?" he asks, looking around.
"Nothing, it's just this guard that ... Well, let's just say we didn't get along ... has been fired," I inform him, listening to her angry tantrums. I'm surprised to find Harry smirking.
"I know."
"You know? How do you know?"
"I'm the one who had her fired."
"What?" My mouth has reached the floor. "You had her fired? Why?" I'm not saying this wasn't great news for me -- I felt like a little kid who's stuffing three cookies into her mouth even though her mother told her she couldn't eat any because they would ruin her appetite -- but I didn't understand why he would fire her when he didn't know what she did.
His facial expression has gone from smug to angry in a second. His eyes have become suddenly clearer and he's clutching his jaw tightly shut. "Why? Because she humiliated you and degraded you. She hurt you."
That was very true but I found it ironic. She hurt me but so did he. In fact, he hurt me more than she ever could. I don't say any of this, of course, but I think he senses it. That sounds funny but I'm the type of person where if I'm angry or agitated, you'll know it, whether I say something or not. Instead, I say, "How do you know what she did?"
"I saw the tape. I saw them all. How can they treat you like that?" He was angry now, almost as angry as I was when he was standing in front of me in the room.
I just shrug. "It's just the way it is. You get used to it." I give him a sidelong glance. "Are we going to get out of here? I've spent enough time in here to last me a lifetime, I don't want to add two more minutes to that."
He still looks upset but nods anyway and we head towards the door. I see life out there. I stop when he opens the door and just stand there. This is it, I'm rejoining the world. The happiness and excitement that is bubbling inside of me right now is unexplainable. I take a deep breath and step through the door Harry has opened.
Streetlamps are lit on every corner, sending spots of light dancing on passerby's heads. The sky is dark and clear, not a cloud in sight. Conversations and laughter ring in my ears, car horns sound like bells as they whiz past us. I'm looking around me as if I've entered a different dimension where everything is the opposite of what you've always known. I feel Harry's gaze on me and turn to him, his eyebrow raised high. "What?" I ask. "Do you really blame me?"
His eyebrow comes down and he looks thoughtful. "No, I don't."
We walk down the sidewalk and I breathe in the fresh air, so unlike the stale, dead air in the institution. It feels amazing walking outside in the streets of London. I'm as free as I'll ever be now. We walk in silence which is perfectly all right; I don't feel like talking.
"How about we go and get you a wand?" Harry asks suddenly, looking at me with a what-do-you-think expression on his face.
"A wand?" I know I would have to get one sooner rather than later but I hadn't been expecting Harry to come with me, since I was planning on earning money and buying one myself.
"Uh huh, a wand. You know the stick you use to do magic with? Yeah? That thing."
His sarcasm gets on my nerves more than it should. I glare at him with no humor whatsoever and he looks apologetic. "I'm sorry," he says, looking like it. "I shouldn't be like that."
Instead of accepting or denying his apology, I turn away and ignore it. I don't know why that bothered me so much but I know that I'm not ready to be friends with him again, to pretend everything is okay and we can move on. That's not possible. Too many factors have brought us to where we are now and if we don't work through those, we can never move on. At this point, I'm content on staying angry with him.
He clears his throat but doesn't speak and we walk the rest of the way to Diagon Alley in silence. As we emerge from the wall a blanket of memories wrap around me, my eyes tearing up as I look around. The shops are still lined on each side of the streets, crowds of people hurrying across the cobblestones to get what they need. Along with the memories floating to the surface, a realization of another, more unpleasant sort makes itself known. What will people think now that I'm out? We, Harry, Ron, and I had been in papers across the country since the beginning of the War, throughout it, and at its end. I'm sure, as much as I don't want to believe so, my being thrown into a mental institution was plastered all over the papers, as was Ron's death and Harry's leaving. I haven't read any of them and I don't want to. The rumors would have to be unbelievable and I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that.
But what about now? What will people think when they see me walking around? With Harry, no doubt. What will they say or think? Will they be on my side or against me? I don't care as much as I sound, but I feel as if I've been reborn in a way, given another chance among all the others I have been given. I'm not going to let anyone ruin this for me.
"Hermione? We're here," Harry says and I realize I had past Ollivanders.
I nod and we head inside, the shelves upon shelves of wands making the room dark and intimidating. "I'll be with you two in just a moment," comes the owner's voice, old and shaky by now but not at all frail. My heart is beating furiously as I wait for him to appear and see us both. Ollivander is not one to forget a face.
"I knew you would be back here." His voice startles me as he comes out of the shadows. "One cannot live without a wand, not in this world anyway." He is peering at me with a mild curiosity. I'm now positively sure he has read the news.
I smile a bit shakily and step up to the counter. I open my mouth to speak but he cuts me off. "I have a selection of wands I have put aside for you, Miss Granger, since I knew you would need a new one. There is one in particular I would like you to try."
I nod, his words sending a chill through my spine, but if I remember right, Mr. Ollivander has always been a bit on the strange and eerie side. "I'll choose one today but I can't buy it today, you see," I begin, remembering my lack of money.
He stares me down intensely until I have to look away but he only nods curtly and walks away. "Hermione, I'm buying it for you," Harry speaks up once the owner disappears behind his shelves.
I look at Harry, close and hard, and wonder why he's really doing all this for me. I needed him before much more than I need him now, yet he's doing everything he can to help me. Well, almost everything he can. I still don't have his trust or an explanation for that matter.
"Harry, it's all right. You don't have to feel like you have to put me back on my feet. I don't want your pity. That is the last thing I need, especially now. "
He looks genuinely chagrined. "Charity? I thought you knew me better than that. I'm doing this to make it up to you for everything that has happened. Please."
"I thought I knew you too," I reply coldly before I can stop myself. The look on his face almost makes me apologize. Almost. Instead I sigh and give in. "Fine, you can do this for me but don't think it will make everything better."
"I know that," he answers quietly, giving me a look I can't decipher and pulling out some money, just as Mr. Ollivander emerges from the shadows.
"Here we are," he says, placing five boxes out in front of me. After trying out the first four with no luck (besides almost burning off Harry's eyebrows; much to my amusement) he pulls the fifth one towards me, mumbling something sounding like, "Just as I thought ..."
I'm beginning to feel uneasy, as everyone does in this shop. He pulls the wand out and the first thing I notice is that it's unusually long for a wand. "Now try this one. I'm sure this is it," he tells me, handing it to me.
I wrap my fingers around the cool wood and immediately feel a slight tingle go down my arm; an effect of a wand made for you alone. I look up at him in surprise but he is smiling now, quite confident of himself. "Just as I thought. This is made of holly, 12", and the most unusual part is that it contains a single feather from a Snidget." He stops here to see the effect this information has on me.
I am surprised, I must admit. A Snidget is a small bird with golden feathers and jewel-like eyes. They can fly with amazing agility and change speed and agility almost instantaneously. That is not what's so surprising. Because of its use in Quidditch games and being hunted, the Snidget became almost extinct, which is why there are now severe penalties for catching or harming one.
"Don't worry, Miss Granger, this feather was not directly plucked from the Smidget's body. As I recall, it was found by Merlin himself."
I don't exactly understand the value of a Smidget's feather and don't know if the bird has any special powers but the fact that someone didn't harm the bird for the feather comes as a relief. And, at that point, I was just glad to have a wand. "This is it for me then," I say, trying to ease my uneasiness.
He nods and places it back in the box. He turns to put it away but Harry stops him. "Mr. Oliivander, we would like to buy it now, please. A change of mind, you know."
The old wizard looks between us with a look that sends our eyes moving away from his face. "All right," is all he says, accepting the money and watching us as we leave his store. The uneasy feeling washes away as we step outside and the rush of noises hits us.
"Thank you," I tell Harry, not quite looking at him.
He nods and throws me a quick smile before moving along. We pass stores, enter some, and laugh at others. After Harry's treat of ice cream (where I noticed we both chose the same flavors we did the last time we were here together.) we continue our walk down the streets, the skies darkening with black clouds.
We reach Magical Menagerie and my chest tightens. Memories of buying Crookshanks here send sadness so thick falling over me I have to squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears. I lost him the year I lost everything else. When Voldemort invaded Hogwarts, he took great pleasure in killing my cat. The loss was as hard as any other but I haven't let myself dwell on my lost pet, not until now.
Harry notices but he doesn't offer any words of comfort, which I'm grateful. His hand comes to rest on my shoulder for a brief second before he walks a bit ahead of me. I control my emotions and follow him.
When a person loses someone or something they loved, they have to get closure in order to move on. They have to come to terms with the loss, accept it, and mourn it. When everything spun around me in seventh year, landing me on my head instead of on my feet, I wasn't given a chance to mourn anything or anyone. Everything was snatched away from me so quickly I didn't have time to even blink. After the chaos settled and a dark depression took hold of me, I was too far gone to properly mourn. Then I was put into the institution and it is impossible to do anything right in there.
I realize that some day soon I will have to come to terms with everything that has happened. I will have to grieve like I should have when everything happened and I will have to move on. The thought that shocks me is that I hope Harry will be there with me.
"Ready to leave?" His voice cuts through my lamentations and I look up to see him waiting patiently. I nod then stop my walking abruptly. Wait, leave to where? What comes crashing down is that I have no home, no place to go to.
"Hermione, I know I should have asked you first but I was hoping you would come and stay with me, since, you know you don't have ..." Besides looking highly uncomfortable, he also looks at a loss for words.
Stay with Harry? A couple of years ago, that was the only place to stay. That was all we ever thought of. But now? Now it's different. Everything is different. "Stay with you? Are you sure? I don't want to impose myself on you ..." Though the payback would be nice. Don't judge me too hard for this thought; at least I feel a bit guilty at thinking it.
He rolls his eyes with a smile. "You wouldn't be. Besides, it would be nice to have some company. Unless, of course, you want to stay with Mrs. Weasley." He doesn't say why else he wants me to stay with him but I know the reasons already. We need to make things right, talk, get to know each other all over again.
The thought of staying with Molly is slightly disturbing because I don't want to. That could be even more uncomfortable than staying with Harry. "Well, if you're sure ... I don't really have anywhere else to go ... So, okay, why not?"
We decide to Apparate, as nervous as I am about it. After reassuring me it will be fine, he takes my hand in his and shuts his eyes. In a moment we've disappeared and reappeared in front of a two-story cottage that needs some work but still looks as if it came out of a fairy tale.
As I stand there looking up at it and getting some very familiar feelings, the black clouds from earlier form together and large raindrops are suddenly pouring from the sky. "Godric's Hollow!" I cry suddenly as realization dawns. I see Harry nod through the haze of rain as he quickly moves to the door and unlocks it. He must be rebuilding it since it was destroyed the night his parents were killed.
Instead of rushing inside after him, I stand there in the middle of the front yard and let the rain fall on me. Its cold seeps through my skin, waking up my heart from its stupor, and I feel suddenly alive. My head tilts up and my arms go out and I'm soaked through. It doesn't matter though because in this moment I know that somehow, everything will be okay.
We each stop at a point in our life where we realize all our situations have led up to this point and there's no looking back now. I'm there now, standing in front of this cottage, rain beating down on me, and I know that whatever happens, it'll all be okay.
...:::...:::...:::...:::...:::...:::...
A.N.2.: Phew, that was difficult to write. I hope it's nice and long for you and please if I've made any mistakes please let me know. I made up the wand (not the animal though) and I thought Godric's Hollow would be a good place for Harry to live. it symbolizes a lot and plus, it's in a Muggle neighborhood where no one will ever think to bother him.
Also, if you guys think Hermione is being too cruel, she has a right to be. That's all I'm saying : )
Please leave me suggestions or constructive criticisms ... I really do want to hear what you all think. BIG thanks to all who have reviewed.... Love to all of you.
One more thing and I'm out: I'm going to be using lyrics from different songs from now on, so I'll let you know what song and from who. OH, and some other information: it's late summer … End of August. Also, Hermione is 19 and Harry is 20. I can't think of anything else that needs explaining but let me know.
THANKS!
Anjel
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