HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATH OF THE OLD RULE
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author's note: I had a great time writing this one. What I love the most about JK's novels are the little moments you find hidden within the story itself. Moments that reveal, one bit at a time, where the story is headed, and - especially - where the relationships are headed. This chapter is dedicated to "moments". I hope you enjoy it!
CHAPTER 6
THE SECRET OF HERMIONE'S HEART
After two weeks of working for Krum Broom Supplies, Hermione knew she had made a terrible mistake. First of all, her first meeting with Viktor Krum had been very telling about his true intentions. Without any subtleties at all, he had invited her for dinner for the following Friday, to talk about old times and "get caught up", he had said with a smile. At first, she had thought it a joke. She wasn't too sure, since Viktor had changed quite a bit, and she almost didn't recognize the man she had once accompanied to the Yule ball. The most noticeable change was his accent: the business world had pressed him to improve his English, and he now spoke with a very obvious Oxford accent. There were other few minor changes in his overall appearance. He now sported business suits, and was generally more sophisticated.
He was serious, however, about taking her to dinner. She went reluctantly, feeling like she at least owed him that for hiring her. He had been, however, a perfect gentleman, and the evening had been pleasant - even if uncomfortable at times.
But it was the work itself that Hermione hated most, and that had turned out to be very disappointing. Her so-called "research position" was in fact a quality-control job, and all she was required to do all day was to take samples from new broom lots and make sure they were responding the way they should to a series of predetermined test charms. Even though Viktor had explained to her that she had been given this position temporarily until she became familiar with the inner workings of the company, Hermione knew this was not the way it had originally been explained to her - in short, it looked very much like she had been lured into accepting any offer, so that Krum could have her close and try to rekindle a relationship with her.
That, of course, was out of the question for Hermione … The Friday morning of her second week, she immediately went to Viktor's office to resign from her position.
When he saw her enter, Viktor welcomed her with a beaming smile.
"Good morning! Your are the perfect ray of sunshine to start my day!"
Hermione looked down, and fumbled her words as she started talking. "Er, I don't think for long, though … Er, Viktor? I don't think this is going to work out … It's not at all what I expected, and I'm really not happy about the work. I thought it over, and I just - I just can't continue."
She handed an enveloppe to Krum, which he knew was a letter of resignation.
Krum's smile vanished, and a certain sadness filled his eyes.
"Hermione, you've only been here two weeks! Don't quit now, wait some more, you'll see that soon the work will be more to your expectations!" There was, however, a slight resignation in his voice, as if he had expected it.
Hermione bit her lip, and decided to be honest. "Viktor, I'm sorry. You've been very kind to me, but - there is also … another reason. I thought I was coming here for a new challenge, but the truth is I was really escaping a difficult situation in my personal life … Staying wouldn't be fair to your company, and to myself."
Viktor raised an eyebrow, and smirked as he replied. "Ah, let me guess. You miss the great Harry Potter, don't you?"
Blushing furiously, Hermione nevertheless tried to look offended. "Viktor, how dare you!? Harry is my friend, I told you times and times again. No, it's like I said, there are things at home I must face once and for all!"
Viktor smiled, and replied softly. "You're a bad liar, Hermione. I know that Harry is too important to you, I don't think you can be that far from him and be happy. I had hoped that - perhaps - things had changed, and that you had moved on …"
He sighed heavily.
Puzzled, Hermione had the distinct impression that she had heard concern and genuine affection in Krum's voice.
"Viktor, are you trying to say something?"
Krum really liked Hermione, but wasn't selfish to the point of denying the obvious. After all, Hermione had been straight with him. He couldn't bring himself to be anything but entirely truthful with her.
"Look, Hermione, it is undeniable that you and Harry have a special bond, and it's a lot more than friendship. Now, maybe you or him - or both of you - have a hard time conceiving it, but it's there, and eventually it's going to torture you both. Go back, and tell him you love him already! You did even when I was with you guys at Hogwarts. Go, Hermione, go be with Harry!"
Hermione was floored. "Thank you, Viktor, you are a true gentleman." She painfully recalled her last encounter with Harry. "I - I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'll keep your advice in mind."
After a warm handshake, Hermione left.
She decided, before heading home, to wander off in the open-air market of Bucharest, to try to clear her mind about her situation. For the first time, she had managed to make a wrong decision, and fail at something. Her parents and friends would be disappointed, and she had a difficult time facing it …
The bright and colourful market streets were exactly what she needed. The place was bustling with the sounds of cars, of vendors advertising their products, and of people negotiating and discussing potential purchases. Crowds were checking out the different booths and tables set-up by a wide variety of merchants. One could find almost anything he was looking for: there was a wide assortment of clothes and jewellery, artifacts of all kinds, and numerous sorts of used merchandise. True to herself, Hermione immediately stopped at the table of the first antique book seller she came across, always curious about what she could uncover amongst the piles of discarded old volumes. Hermione, not yet familiar with Romanian, instantly noticed as she was browsing the different books an old familiar song was playing on a radio somewhere - in English.
When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
When you're close to me, I can feel your heart beat
I can hear you breathing near my ear
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love
Hermione paused as she heard the familiar lyrics, and put down the book she had been perusing. She remembered the song very well: her parents had played it so often when she was a child, and had even danced to it on their fifteenth wedding anniversary party. Hermione had only been nine years old at the time, but that particular evening had been a magical moment - for the first time of her young life, Hermione had seen what it was like to be in love with someone: her parents were staring passionately into each other's eyes, were holding each other close, and after the dance, they had both hugged her and told her that it was "Mommy and Daddy's song"…
From that moment on, Hermione had been hoping that she would one day find someone to love, a man that she could dance with as her parents' song - and hopefully, one day, her song - played on.
Tears started welling in Hermione's eyes as she sat down on a bench to fully take in this moment. All of the sudden, the precarity of her situation hit her like a freight train. She was in the middle of a city where barely anyone spoke her language, in a country far away from her home and the people who loved her, and she felt overwhelmed by anger, frustration, sorrow and loneliness - not to mention a bruised heart.
She thought about Krum's comments. "Yeah, Harry, you sure have a cruel way of showing your love …"
Anytime you want to you can turn me onto
Anything you want to, anytime at all
When I kiss your lips, ooh I start to shiver
Can't control the quivering inside
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love, oh
Her mind wandered to the last few weeks. She felt like she was really losing it, emotionally.
All her life she had been strong, fearless, and overachieving. Her parents had always pushed her to be the best that she could; and to her, that especially had meant being the best in school. Consequently, she had always gotten top grades, and she had also found most of her self-esteem in her ability to achieve academically.
She had been lonely growing up, though. Her parent's busy dental practice kept them away for long work hours, and her looks - ordinary at best, she had always thought - had often isolated her in school. You had to wonder about the irony: she was often snickered at and teased because of her large front teeth, and yet, her parents were … dentists.
And then … Out of the blue, she had been invited to come to Hogwarts.
It had changed her. More precisely, she had met someone at Hogwarts that had made her change … He had not set out to voluntarily change her, but it had happened nevertheless. Harry Potter's influence on Hermione Granger's life was obvious, and she was starting to feel that she couldn't pretend she didn't see it anymore.
The song was still playing on the radio, and Hermione found herself listening more closely, gazing into the throngs of people, wondering what to do next …
When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
When I'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter
My whole world could shatter, I don't care
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love …
It suddenly dawned on her that for one very short moment at the airport, she had felt exactly that way. She had been in his arms, and nothing else had seemed to matter …
"Why am I so scared", she muttered to herself, unable to bring herself to even fathom the fact that this is what she had been waiting for, for seven long years …
--------------------
After a long afternoon of walking, Hermione finally made her way to her place, expecting to arrive to an empty but warm and cozy house.
To her astonishement, a tall guy with unmistakable red hair was sitting on the front porch, apparently waiting for her.
Hermione suddenly went into a panic. "Ron! What - what are you doing here? Oh my goodness, is Harry -"
Ron jumped up and ran to her, smiling. "No, no, don't worry! Everyone is fine, Hermione … But - how are you?"
Seeing Ron brought her emotional turmoil violently back to the surface. She immediately threw her arms around him, and started sobbing heavily.
Ron closed his arms around her, holding her tight, and whispered in her ear. "It's okay, just let it out, all right?" After a few minutes, he gently walked her back towards the porch, his arm still around her shoulders, and they sat down.
Oddly to Ron, she remained tightly clutched to him, and leaned her head on his chest just below his shoulder; her tears didn't seem to be stopping.
After a few minutes, she slowly straightened up, and looked at Ron with a faint smile, and gratefulness in her bright, wet brown eyes.
"Thank you, that felt good … Let's go in, I'll make some tea."
After bringing the tea, she sat down with Ron on her couch and stared at the table for a long time. On it, a small package was resting, unopened. Hedwig had brought it the week before, and she hadn't been able to bring herself to open it.
Ron noticed the package too, and also Hedwig on a small perch in the corner; she was eating a small mouse, and seemed quite content in Hermione's care.
"Harry is worried, Hermione … He sent this almost two weeks ago, and he's been hysterical about not getting an answer … I reckon he'd already been here to see you if he hadn't been so busy with Hogwarts …"
Hermione looked up at Ron quizzically. "Hogwarts?"
"Yeah, Harry's being summoned there all the time by Dumbledore since you left; he's not very forthcoming about it either … I think that maybe he failed some of his NEWT last year, but he doesn't want to tell me."
Hermione's eyes narrowed with suspicion. "Ron, did Harry send you here?"
Ron shook his head vigorously. "No, goodness no! In fact, I think he'd be positively furious to know I'm here. He doesn't know, I came here from my own accord. I - I really need to talk to you about, er, our relationship."
Gazing into space, Hermione nodded, as if she knew she had to face the unavoidable. She reflected for a moment …
"It's really hard, moving on, isn't it? School was so fun, with you and Harry, I really miss it … Now, all these difficult decisions."
Ron didn't quite know what to say. He just nodded, and softly put his arm around her shoulders. In a quite natural way, she slowly laid her head on his shoulder, happy not to be alone.
After a rather long silence, Ron broke the ice.
"Hermione, what happened? I know, that at the end, our relationship wasn't going anywhere. But when did it change? I remember our fourth year, and the Yule ball, and it seemed so obvious that we liked each other … I didn't like Krum being around you, you quite didn't like Fleur being nice to me. But then, at the end of the year, you kissed Harry goodbye, not me. Our fifth year was really weird … It's like I had all these accomplishments - I became prefect, I made the Quidditch team, I helped Gryffindor to victory - and yet you barely noticed. And the summer after, all of the sudden you did want to get together, but -it wasn't really the same, it's like you had changed, or something."
Ron had said all this really fast. Hermione looked away, and silent tears started streaming down her cheeks.
She looked up at him, with an imploring look. "Oh, Ron, I'm so sorry! I never meant for you to get caught in the middle of my …"
She paused, having a hard time to speak through her sobs. She managed to get a hold of herself, and with a more resolute voice, started explaining herself.
"Ron, the year of the Yule ball was quite difficult for me. I discovered, to my surprise, that I might be attractive enough for guys to notice me. When Viktor told me he had been coming to the library just to try to talk to me, I was so flattered I accepted his invitation right away … But I had expected that you or Harry would - ask me to go, or at the very
least wonder if I was going with someone. But neither of you did …"
Ron looked down at the floor, his face flustered with remorse of the whole misunderstanding that year …
Hermione continued. "I could understand why Harry didn't, I mean, he was all about Cho that year, and he had the Triwizard Tournament to worry about … But my feelings were really hurt when you came at the last minute, assuming nobody would have asked me. That's why I was so upset that night, and I took out my frustration on you, and harped you about it all year."
Ron realised that even when they were dating, they had not talked about this. "I'm sorry Hermione, it was - well, I always had seen you as `one of the guys' up to that point, and all of the sudden, you were … Well, a girl like all the others! So I - I just felt all awkward with you, and it never came out right."
Hermione smiled indulgingly at Ron, and went on.
"Something else happened, that night … It was very subtle, but - it was Harry. Harry and I saw each other on the dance floor, and his face was different. He noticed me, but not as just a friend. There was - a twinkle, in his eyes, for just a moment."
Hermione stopped briefly, took a gulp of tea, letting Ron digest what she had just revealed him.
Ron's face reddened. "What? Does that mean that the whole time we dated, you really liked Harry?"
Hermione had expected this, and quickly interjected. "Well, it's a little bit more complicated, Ron. The Yule ball opened my eyes to the fact that both of you could see me as more than just a bookworm and a partner in crime, and I was confused. For the rest of the year, it made me furious to see Fleur Delacour being extra-nice to you - AND Harry …"
Ron's face went from a hard frown, of someone who doesn't quite understand, to the enlightement of someone who has seen the light.
"Blimey, Hermione! So you loved us both at the same time?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Your emotional range has not evolved very far from the tea spoon, now has it? DIDN'T you notice, after the ball, when Rita Skeeter wrote I was Harry's girlfriend, that it was Harry telling everyone that I wasn't, and not - me?"
Ron's eyes went wide. "So I was right before - you … really fancied Harry better then?"
Hermione couldn't avoid blushing this time. "I don't know, it was confusing at the time. I just liked the idea of being Harry's `girlfriend'. He didn't share the same feelings then, though. And - you were constantly jealous of Viktor, so I didn't know what to think. But - I just couldn't sort out who was `friend', and who was, well, more."
Ron's face had suddenly become very difficult to read. "So, I guess I never had a chance against Harry, hey?"
Hermione couldn't lie to Ron anymore. It had been her mistake, she had to face the consequences.
"Ron, please believe me! I've been doing some soul-searching lately, and I'm just coming to terms with some of my true feelings. I never meant to hurt you, but -"
Hermione's voice seemed to get caught up in her throat, and became a barely audible whisper.
"I've - I've loved Harry from the first time I've met him, I think. At the end of our fourth year, when I kissed him, I already knew."
Right then and there, Hermione's worst fear came true. She had been looking at the floor, and glanced at Ron from under her hair. He wasn't saying anything, his face was as cold as a brick wall.
He finally spoke. "You should have told me this a long time ago, I mean. It's weird to find out it was all fake -"
Hermione's voice climbed up. "No, no! It wasn't! You've got to understand! Harry didn't seem to want to be anything more than my friend, and … I really love you Ron, you were a natural choice."
Slowly, Ron smiled in a dumbfounded kind of way. "I was just playing with you just now, Hermione … I've known for a while you love Harry, I knew when we broke up, remember?"
Relieved, Hermione nevertheless gave Ron a small punch on the shoulder. "You git! Why were you torturing me like that?"
Ron's grin became even wider. "Well, I did want to know about this whole Yule ball thing, it was confusing for me too. But I know you love Harry, it's undeniable. And now, please answer his owl, he's going nutters in London. He thinks you're never going to speak to him again."
Hermione looked up in Ron's eyes, and paused. "Well, he was really mean to me, you know. What he said really hurt …"
"I know, but he's miserable. He didn't mean it, he just -"
Ron wondered if he should say anything more. He decided just to tip her off.
"I think he's just discovering that, well, he may be in love with you too."
Hermione's face lit up. Was it truly real, after all this time?
"Thank you, Ron, you're really a good friend, you know! Don't - don't tell Harry anything, okay? I need to sort this out on my own."
"Of course, of course," Ron said looking at his watch.
"It's getting really late, I'd better go. I'll see you soon, I hope!"
After kissing her goodbye, Ron walked into the night, and with a loud cracking sound, he disappeared into the night.
--------------------
Harry was coming undone at the seams.
He was completely alone in his house at number twelve, Grimmaud Place, except for Dobby. Ron had left early in the morning, mentionning some "errands" he had to run; Harry looked up at the clock: it was now ten thirty-five in the evening, and he was still nowhere to be found.
"Where has he gone?" muttered Harry, who usually didn't keep tabs on Ron, but thought strange that he would be gone all day without telling him anything.
The last week had been a whirlwind … He had been spending the biggest part of his last week in and out of Hogwarts, meeting secretly with Dumbledore and other members of the Order of the Phoenix as they had worked to recall the order into active duty - not that the last truce had been very long. It felt weird for Harry, who was now a full-fledged member of the Order. They had put him in charge of field operations, which meant he was supervising the activities of more or less everybody.
Harry hadn't told Ron what exactly was going on. Truth be told, he just hadn't had the time. He hoped, all of the sudden, that all the mystery wasn't the reason for Ron's absence. He would need him soon enough.
The kitchen table was full of newspapers, and Harry was growing increasingly worried as they all hinted to one thing: some kind of offensive was on. The numerous news reports were all different and discrete, but yet shared the same characteristics: an oddly high number of "unexplained" deaths, multiple acts of "terrorism" and so-called "vandalism". The reports often indicated weird "lights", and explosions of "greenish gases".
"Why Muggles? … Why on earth are they such a target to Dark Wizards?" Despite his feelings about the Dursleys, he didn't think they would deserve, if it came to that, to be pulverised by the blast of an Unforgivable Curse.
In the sequence of events and bad news of the last two weeks, it was nevertheles Hermione's silence that weighed the most heavily on Harry's heart and mind. He had sent Hedwig almost two weeks before to Hermione, and was still awaiting a reply.
Harry was now clenching his jaw tightly, gritting his teeth. "Something must be wrong … Yeah, something is definitely wrong. I must get over there, and - "
The doorbell was ringing.
"Who could this be, at this time of the night?" Harry thought out loud as he jogged to get to the entrance hall to greet whoever would be.
Harry was disconcerted to find Dobby at the door, greeting … Luna Lovegood!
"Luna!? Hi! What - er, what brings you here at such an - odd time of the day?" Harry was trying to be polite, but was dumbfounded about Luna's visit.
Luna looked around dreamily, her eyes darting around as if looking for something - or someone. "Oh, hello Harry. I'm sorry about the time, I didn't realize … Is Ronald here? He told me I could come and see him here."
"Oh, okay! Uh, Ron is not here now. He's been gone all day, actually, and I'm not sure when he will return."
Luna looked positively disappointed. "Oh, that's too bad. I guess I'll be going then. Well, bye Harry."
"Wait! Don't you want me to give him a message or something? Should he get back to you?" Harry was so in shock still that he didn't quite know what to do.
Luna frowned for a moment, and then gave a big, sheepish grin. "Tell him that I miss him a lot!" On this, she spun around and left.
Harry looked at Dobby, and started laughing.
"Dobby always thought Miss Luna was a bit funny", the elf said, grinning as well.
Harry loved Luna, she was a good friend, and she had been a good ear for him at important times. But she remained - well, Luna! Still giggling, Harry made his way back to the kitchen, where his dilemma of before came back as he saw the newspaper and everything else on the table.
Harry had been torn for the last two weeks: on one hand, he missed Hermione so much that it would have taken nothing for him to apparate in the blink of an eye in Romania to find Hermione; on the other hand, he remained hesitant, wanting to leave her some space after their last encounter - and let her tell him how she felt.
But Dumbledore's word of caution about Hermione was haunting Harry; he couldn't help thinking she was vulnerable, and that she was sufficiently isolated to be some kind of easy target.
Harry took a deep breath. "Okay, if I have no news from Hedwig tomorrow morning, I'm apparating over there."
--------------------
Hermione had Harry's package on her lap, and was hesitant to open it.
"Oh well, let's do it!" she finally said, trembling slightly.
Her thoughts wandered to what Ron had said. Even though there was nobody in the room, she blushed furiously at the thought that Harry - Harry Potter - did, in fact, love her, and that their kiss at the airport had not been just a mistake.
She unfolded the small note that had come with the package, and read it.
Dearest Hermione,
Once again, I have to apologize in writing, but I can't do it.
I know I hurt you this time, and it's killing me. I love you so very much, I once again took out my anger on you, and you don't deserve it.
Hermione, I can't bear the thought of losing you. You mean more to me than anything else.
What's in a package is a part of me. You've seen it once before. Truth is, I've really wanted you to have it all along; please accept it as my lame attempt to convince you that you mean more to me than anything else in this world.
Please forgive me.
Love, Harry
Hermione was suddenly apprehensive about opening the package. What on earth had Harry sent her? She delicately unfolded the thick paper, and saw a velvety box with gold trimmings. She gasped, knowing exactly what it was - she had seen it before, when she and Harry had found the chest in the attic. Her heart racing, she delicately opened the box, and saw the necklace.
"No! Harry, you can't! You didn't! I - I'm so not worth that!" she wailed, knowing it had been destined for Harry's mum, and that he treasured this beyond anything else.
Rivers of tears came - once again - streaming down her cheeks.
"Oh, Harry! I love you so much, you stupid git!", she said softly … "I love you so much it hurts."
After a while, Hermione put the necklace on, and smiled dreamily.
She had taken out her old diaries from school just before. She started reading them, and immediately came across her first entry, the day of her first meeting. Softly playing with the necklace around her neck, she smiled.
"I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you? …"
"I'm Ron Weasley," Ron muttered.
"Harry Potter," said Harry.
"Are you really?" said Hermione. "I know all about you, of course -- I got a few extra books for background reading, and you're in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century."
She had felt so stupid after she had left their compartment on the Hogwarts Express. All she had been able to do on her first encounter with Harry Potter - typical of her - had been to quote something she had read in a book.
"No wonder he thought I was a know-it-all", she whispered to herself as she petted Crookshanks, who had joined her on the sofa.
Hermione couldn't bring herself to go to bed. More and more, she knew the time had come to reveal the secret she had been harbouring for seven long years: she had to let Harry - and the world - know that she had been madly, desperately, and secretly in love with her best friend, Harry Potter.
It had started, as everything typically did with Hermione, with what she had read. Learning about the Wizarding World was fascinating, and she had bought stacks of books to better acquaint herself with her new reality. In many of them, she had come across the story of a little baby who had defeated the most powerful Dark wizard of the last hundred years, Lord Voldemort.
She had been quick to compute that he had to be a few months younger than she was herself; he had to have turned eleven years old during that summer. Perhaps he would even be entering Hogwarts this year …
Hermione had first been intrigued by the idea of Harry Potter. She was curious, but realistic. He surely wouldn't want anything to do with her - after all, she was quite ordinary, she didn't do well socially, and she came from a non-magical family line. In her mind, the baby had grown up to be a tall, handsome and dashing prince that wouldn't look twice at a girl with large teeth and messy, bushy hair.
But then, she had met him. The "prince" was small and skinny, had unmanageable hair, wore glasses, and seemed so - shy. And yet, something powerful and reassuring emanated from him, a quiet strength that seemed to radiate from his very character. Her first meeting with Harry on the Hogwarts Express had been an unexpected experience: her heart had raced and she had been suddenly so nervous that all she had been able to tell him was that she had read about him in a book!
But the more she discovered him, the more she liked him. She hadn't deliberately set out to become Harry and Ron's friend. However, her insecurities and desire to please - this was a new world for her, and she wanted to be the best she could - had landed her in trouble again. People had quickly pegged her as a teacher's pet, a know-it-all, and just like it had been in her previous schools, she had found herself alone. And when Ronald Weasley had remarked, in their first year, that she "must not have any friend", he had hit a nerve. Wounded, she had hidden in the girls bathroom, until Harry and Ron had come to rescue her from the Mountain Troll they had - she had only learned of this years later - themselves locked in with her.
And so they had become friends, and Hermione had remained quite content with that relationship. Yet, it had made her see Harry from up close, and the more she saw, the more she liked. It also dawned on her that there was a price to being Harry's friend: he was a wanted man, and his life was constantly threatened.
With shivers running down her spine, she flipped her diary and came to an entry at the end of their first year, when they had been together trying to get to Quirrell and Voldemort.
"Well - I was lucky once, wasn't I?" said Harry, pointing at his scar. "I might get lucky again."
Hermione's lip trembled, and she suddenly dashed at Harry and threw her arms around him.
"Hermione!"
"Harry - you're a great wizard, you know."
"I'm not as good as you," said Harry, very embarrassed, as she let go of him.
"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things - friendship and bravery and - oh Harry - be careful!"
She read, in her diary, the line following the description of the incident:
"It's really hard to admit it, but I think I'm in love with Harry. Is that possible? He's so wonderful and brave … I'm really scared."
She had started falling for Harry at that very moment. He was no longer someone she had read about in a book, he was no longer just a stranger in a train. He was someone that was ready to risk his life for the people he cared about, and someone who could face danger despite his fear, well on his way to becoming great. And more to the point - he was the only one whom she wanted to be loved by.
And yet, Hermione had made every effort, from that point on, to hide her growing admiration and love for Harry.
First of all, Harry didn't show any interest in girls when he had entered Hogwarts, and she didn't want to risk the possibility of an eventual relationship with him before it even had a chance to start. And to her dismay, Harry's first crush had been Cho Chang, not her. Despite the fact that she was deeply upset at this, and more generally speaking, at the fact that neither Ron nor Harry seemed to "see" her as a girl who could, potentially, be attractive and an interesting partner, she had made sure she remained supportive to Harry. She suspected that his attraction to Cho was only superficial, and that eventually it would become obvious to him. Time would prove her right, of course.
Second of all, Hermione felt powerless about the fact that if she was ever to love him romantically, there would be always be the unbearable risk of losing him. This actually terrified her to the point she had recurring nightmares about it, and it had been increasingly showing in her worry and drive to make sure Harry was always as safe as he could be.
By the end of their fourth year at Hogwarts, she had become more aware of her real feelings for Harry: she had fallen intensely in love with him, but remained terrified of what it meant. For a split-second that year, she had hoped he would ask her to the Yule Ball, but knew better. Harry was still not noticing her, infatuated as he was with Cho. Furthermore, even Ron had started showing a certain jealousy towards her, a fact that had really caught her off guard. Their argument at the Yule ball had made her more upset and confused than she could ever imagine … Maybe Ron made more sense for her? Maybe she was just fantasizing about Harry, when all this while she could have a comforting, safe and more predictable relationship with Ron? That question would haunt her for the next two years, and would eventually become the motivation behind one of her biggest blunders - dating Ron.
She remembered that evening quite vividly for another particular reason, though: when she had appeared with Krum that evening on the dance floor, she had seen Harry's eyes and his astonishment; and for the first time, she knew he had noticed her - and with more than just the eyes of a friend. So there was hope, she had thought.
And Harry's feelings towards her had seemed to change the next year: all year he had been miserable, but he had also been very protective of her, she had fought at his side, and she had noticed that he seemed to value her opinion more than in the past. Despite the Cho incident - the kiss - their fifth year had been a victory for Hermione: Cho had been eliminated as a real threat, and Harry and her had grown very close. But yet, she had remained scared of what a relationship with Harry could mean, since his life constantly hung in the balance. She had been torn by this, and the next summer she had reasoned herself into trying a relationship with Ron.
"That was the worst year of my life", Hermione remembered, and her eyes became glittery again.
Not only did Hermione realise quickly that her and Ron weren't meant to be more than friends, she experienced for the first time what it meant to be somewhat cut off from Harry - she felt alone, vulnerable, and like something was missing.
"I never told him how I missed him that year", she thought …
But when they had reunited just before their last year at Hogwarts, Harry had hugged her for an extra-long time, and they had both been scared to move for a while. It seemed that Harry had missed her at least as much.
Their seventh year had been excruciatingly difficult. The Wizarding world was at war, Harry's life had been threatened many times, and he had saved her own life twice during the year. Without his protection and quick-thinking, she would not be alive to enjoy this moment.
There had been something new, however. Despite the fact that Harry had lost some softness, that he was harsh and lost his temper more often than she had been used to, she had noticed a definite change in the way he interacted with her. He was certainly more vocal about the way he felt about her: he told her he cared, he told her he loved her (as a friend), and his instincts had changed - whenever he was in close proximity, he often touched her, hugged her, and - this had been something new - he had taken to the habit of playing with her hair. This was very disconcerting, since she didn't know if he was doing it consciously or not. She enjoyed it very much, however, and longed to just let herself go and tell him how much she loved him. But at the same time, she was still terrified of losing him, and of letting herself becoming a weakness for Harry, that would have given weapons to Voldemort and his kronies to get to Harry.
And, for an instant, she had seen her worst fear become real: she had seen him dead, lifeless on the ground, for what had seemed an eternity.
Hermione tried to catch her breath, her heart racing and hurting. She started sobbing, and couldn't stop the tears as she recalled his last brush with Voldemort. The heartbreak had been insufferable, and for the first time of her life, she had thought of dying herself. If Harry was gone, what could she do?
She had been the first there, and certain he was about to die, she had told him her secret … "I can't lose you - I love you!"
To her immense relief, he had opened his eyes, and smiled.
"But now," she mused as a conclusion to her evening, "I have to tell him again. Face to face."
She was going to apparate back in London the next day. She had to go back. She couldn't spend one more minute away from Harry, and - at long last - there would be no more secrets.
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