You know, I did not expect Snogwarts to get such a massive turn out of people who really liked it (It was so freaking stupid!!!). Anyway, I had planned on writing a second part to the whole Lily and James fanfictions just to round out all the clichés in case I missed something. After this, I'll probably eventually write a parody of all the books (oh god help us) and make fun of some popular themes in Harry Potter fiction as well (Slash, Hermione the slut, etc…). I know some people wanted me to do Draco/Ginny, Harry/Hermione parodies in specific but I don't really read those all that much and I don't feel like starting just so I can write a parody.
Sorry.
As some of you mentioned, Pensieve is not free of these clichés that I'm pointing out which compels me to say "WELL DUH!" I'm not above making fun of myself and I know I did some of the things that everyone else seems to do anyway (Lily and Arabella being friends, Lily and James at odds in the beginning). Well, I'd like to think Pensieve isn't too bad in the grand scheme of things but that's just me.
Anyway, enjoy more R-rated wackiness
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~ Snogwarts: A Parody. The Revised Edition ~
By: Oy! Angie
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Cast of Characters
* ~ *
James Potter as
THE SEX-DRIVEN WANKER BOY!!!
Lily Evans as
THE BITCHY GIRL WITH A STICK UP HER BUM!!!
Sirius Black as
JAMES'S SLIGHTLY MORE SKANKY B.F.F!!! (Best Friend Forever for those who were never 13 year old girls)
Remus Lupin as
NICE GUY WITH A MYSTERIOUS PAST AND SHIT!!!
Severus Snape as
EVIL OBSESSIVE GIT WHO IS NOTHING LIKE HE IS IN THE BOOKS!!!
Also starring . . .
Arabella Figg as
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING THERE AND WHY IS SHE SUDDENLY LILY'S B.F.F.???
And Random Peoplez as
ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ALWAYS SUCK!!!
And introducing Peter Pettigrew as
THE GUY YOU NEVER SEE!!!
Supported by a cast of thousands!!!
~ * ~
~ Lily enters into the girls' dormitory all tragic and stuff. Lily goes over to her computer, starts writing in her online journal, listens to Emo music and eats Oreos until the pain numbs in her poser angstiness. The Smart and Slutty Ones go over to save her friend from adolescent clichés.
THE SMART ONE: Hey Tiger-Lily, what's up?
THE SLUTTY ONE: Yeah Lillian? Do you want to drop some Ex to perk you up and do away with those nasty hetero inhibitions?
LILY: I'm feeling bummed about James so I need to talk to my bestest friends in the whole world whom don't even have original names aside from Arabella for advice.
THE SMART ONE: Well, Arabella is hopefully trying to get together with Sirius if she doesn't want you to beat her silly again and The Hip and Trendy One is practicing her gang symbols in front of the mirror so she can open a chapter of the Bloods at Hogwarts. She's going to be the leader and says we can join but we have to get beaten or sleep with her for initiation.
THE SLUTTY ONE: Do I really have to say which one I'm leaning towards or can we just infer from the name on the far left?
LILY: James wants me to be his girlfriend and sex him up as though it were the only reason to be together, but I'm all worried about the fact he's a spaz and I'm a virgin.
THE SMART ONE: Why are you a virgin still anyway? Respect for marriage? Belief in true love?
LILY: Actually I think it's because people want to identify with me by projecting their lack of sexual experience onto me. This way, girls can develop an askew notion of sexuality by assuming virginal characters = moral characters.
THE SMART ONE: Actually that's usually the function of Original Characters. Authors put in these super-perfect characters that are smart/athletic/popular/cool/witty/and of some absurd parentage (i.e. American/part supernatural creature) and have all the canon characters accept them like they were always there or want to date them. Often they are awkwardly superimposed in the plot and people hate reading about them because they supposedly have depth but are typically as see-through as the Slutty One's panties.
THE SLUTTY ONE: It's probably because the only people who read and write these things are 13 year old girls who have nothing better to do with their time than make up stories about Harry Potter so they can feel cool and interesting when people review.
LILY: Well at least it's not as pathetic as a 21 year old who has an attractive boyfriend and the all-mighty power to buy booze doing this when she could be getting some drunken luv'n.
~ Everyone points to Oy! Angelina and laughs for 17 hours, 43 minutes, and 2 seconds.
THE SLUTTY ONE (getting back to the story): But what about all those fics where Lily-Flower's gobbling more cock than a fat guy at KFC?
THE SMART ONE: Well I imagine those are written by non-fat girls who AREN'T afraid of popularity.
LILY: Non-virgins?
THE SMART ONE: Exactly.
LILY: Anyway, what should I do about James?
THE SMART ONE: Well, Lily-bo-Billy, I think whatever you do, make sure you make yourself happy and draw out the plot with some back and forth make-up/break-up crap.
LILY: I love you guys almost as much as readers love the lame, forced nicknames fan fiction authors give me!
THE SLUTTY ONE: That's probably not a whole lot then.
* * *
~ James wonders around the castle and into the Hip and Trendy One because it's convenient for my plot.
JAMES: Hi friend o Lily.
THE HIP AND TRENDY ONE: Shut yo punk ass up before I jam a knife in it, bitch!
JAMES: Hey, you can't talk to me like that! I'm obscenely perfect and popular!
THE HIP AND TRENDY ONE: Your ass be tripp'n worse than them bitches who dig boy bands is you think Lily-dawg's going you put up with you skanking up the whole joint!
~ James stares blinking at Lily's friend for a few moments before recovering.
JAMES: Every time you talk . . . I just want to punch you in the face until you lapse into sweet, gurgling unconsciousness.
~ The lil'est gangsta gives James a shove.
THE HIP AND TRENDY ONE: Step it up then, my bitch!
JAMES: Okay, I don't hit girls.
THE HIP AND TRENDY ONE: Then it's you're lucky day, you gangly mo-fo! Adjust those Dilbert shades of yours because you're looking at a straight-up phee-may-el!
~ James shrugs before punching the Hip and Trendy One in the face.
JAMES: Oh, well when you say it to me in gibberish it sounds far less bastardish for me to.
~ Lily turns the corner just in time to see James standing over a very unconscious Hip and Trendy One and gets all bitchy over it.
LILY: James, how could you punch my nameless friend like that! We were as close as Canon and OC Characters can be!
JAMES: Lily wait! I punched your friend in the face to prove how much I love you!
LILY: Even for a parody that doesn't make sense, James!
JAMES (Blankly): But I wuv u. <insert over dramatized declaration of love>
LILY: James, I've been thinking. It's really pointless for us to keep going back and forth like this. I mean we're one of the only canon couples in all the series so everyone knows that we're meant to be together. It will spare people one giant obnoxious headache if I just submit to you and your adolescent awkward skills as a lover.
JAMES (confused): Really, just like that? I don't have to prove my love for you by saving your life or embarrassing myself? We don't have to date other canon and original characters to inspire fits of jealousy in one another as we slowly realize that we're in love? I just get assured sex?
LILY: Along with an assured faked orgasm most likely.
JAMES: Oh posh! Girls can't really have them anyway.
~ James sweeps Lily off her feet and carries her off to his bedroom (or nearest flat surface).
JAMES: Quickly, let's go consummate our newfound love before the hormonal people who author these things realize not everything is about sex.
LILY: Right! And the sooner we hook up, the sooner Sirius and Arabella have to become a couple!
* * *
~ James runs up to his friends grinning and stuff.
JAMES: Well guys, it's now official! I am the only man tapping Lily's ass!
REMUS: Congratulations.
SIRIUS: Does this mean I have to date Arabella now?
JAMES: Yes, yes it does.
SIRIUS (Whining): But I don't just want one vagina from now until I'm most likely incarcerated.
JAMES: Well tough shit. Suck it up and be a man.
~ Snape interrupts the conversation because I said so.
SNAPE (raving and stuff): You guys are such pig-fuckers!!!
~ The Marauders (not including Peter of course) exchange glances between themselves.
JAMES: Is this because we stripped you down naked, smeared you in honey, and left you for fire ants.
SNAPE: No!
REMUS: Splashing you with pheromones and locking you in a room with Professor McGonagall after giving her an aphrodisiac?
SNAPE: No!
JAMES: Well, I guess you're going to have to be more specific than won't you?
SNAPE (furious): I spent half the night having my leg violated by a werewolf! I reek of werewolf loving!!!
SIRIUS: Oh, that one's mine.
SNAPE: You're an asshole.
~ Remus blushes and hides his face as James scratches his head.
JAMES (to Snape): Hold on, I warned you about this. Why did you go on ahead?
~ Everyone turns to
SNAPE (softly): Don't judge me. . .I'm so lonely . . .
~ Peter suddenly shows up.
PETER: Hey guys, what's up?
SIRIUS: Moony molested Snape in werewolf form.
SNAPE: I'm so confused and unwanting of intimacy. I may as well give Lily all her underwear back.
JAMES: Could you not? We have to hang decorations up later and I want to hold the ladder for her.
~ Peter just stares at the rest of the group.
PETER: You know. . . you could have just said "nothing" and I wouldn't have questioned it . . .
~ Remus turns to Sirius very angrily.
REMUS: Sirius I can't believe you exploited me and my deep, dark secret for a prank!
SIRIUS: Hey I didn't tell anyone about how you read Germen fetish porn in buttless leather chaps!
REMUS: No my OTHER secret!
SIRIUS: Oh, the werewolf thing! Yeah, well I thought it would be really funny and I didn't think you'd mind all that much.
REMUS (Furious): What? Are you mad? I would be shunned if everyone found out! Do you know people could be killed? That either you or I could have gone to jail for this?
~ Sirius starts shuffling his feet with a kicked dog expression. Remus feels his icy heart melt.
REMUS: Oh, I can't stay mad at you… come 'ere, Big Guy!
SIRIUS: Sirius loves his Moony!
REMUS: And Moony loves his Sirius slash!
SIRIUS: Tragically, I must find Arabella and become an obligatory couple as most MWPP fan fiction requires.
JAMES: That's right, you take your originality else where, little mister, and go date Lily's B.F.F.
* * *
~ Sirius finds Arabella in a dark corner waiting to accept her fate.
ARABELLA: I just found out Lily and James are happy and together and a little part of me died.
SIRIUS: It was just your author's originality.
~ Arabella and Sirius stare at one another uncomfortably.
SIRIUS: So here we are. Trapped in our loveless relationship because everyone wants to see us together for some inexplicable reason.
ARABELLA: So what do we do now?
SIRIUS: I guess we could have sex or something.
ARABELLA: No thanks, I saw pictures proving you're hung like a garden gnome.
SIRIUS: That was the lighting . . . and it was cold. . . coupled with poor genetics . . .
ARABELLA: No thank you.
SIRIUS: Damn, so no vaginas for Sirius. I'm totally giving James over to Voldemorte for this. Or, if not directly, then via Peter.
* * *
~ Time passes and Harry is born as well as other poor transitions. Everyone swoons around Harry looking happy because no one will ever admit a baby is ugly.
ARABELLA: Oh wow, he looks exactly like his father!
LILY: Who?
SIRIUS: James.
LILY: You're right. Whew! That saves me some explaining then . . .
PETER: Hey guys, what's up?
REMUS: Lily and James had a baby.
PETER: Aw, he looks so cute I want to tie him up and poke him with something sharp.
JAMES: Sirius, I want you to be Harry's Godfather because I love you best of all my friends even if you are under qualified for the position.
SIRIUS: Yeah, Remus would totally suck as a Godfather even though he has paternal instincts and infinite patience and well as a lack of motivation to perform dangerous pranks.
REMUS: More people should give Sirius impressionable lives.
* * *
~ Just before that faithful Halloween night.
JAMES: Lily, I have some bad news, Voldemort wants me dead.
LILY: Why?
JAMES: Well apparently someone took explicit pictures of someone else dressed up as a German tourist wearing lederhosen while a goat was licking green jell-O out from between their toes and someone didn't appreciate that I made a webring based around it.
LILY: James you're such a dick! I'm probably going to have to give my life for the worst possible result of an orgasm and you couldn't have it be for a reason that was something other than you being a voyeur?
JAMES: It's an involved story, really.
LILY: Well, let's get a secret-keeper. How about Sirius?
JAMES: That would be kind of obvious since he's my best friend and the Webmaster of my site.
~ Peter joins the group.
PETER: Hey guys, what's up?
LILY: Who's that?
JAMES: I don't know, but let's make him our Secret-Keeper.
LILY: Okay.
~ Peter pauses, overwhelmed by the offer as he tears up and tries to think of the appropriate thing to say to express his gratitude.
PETER: Hey guys, what's up?
~ fin ~
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As some of you have pointed out "Lily's friends" bear a strong resemblance to Strongbad's "Teen Girl Squad" on www.Homestarrunner.com and this is intentional. God that was a great bit.
Okay so when I get around to it, look for a parody in honor of Book I as well as Pensieve updates. Until then, Oy! Angie is off to live up being 21 and die miserably from homework and papers in between.