Unofficial Portkey Archive

Hermione pushed the heavy door leading to the room she herself alone occupied, given her Gryffindor Headgirl status, and pressed her back against it as she closed it behind her. Her face was distorted by the sobs she tried to hold back without much success as she tried to calm herself down by taking in long breaths. For the last month, she had been on edge, nearing her breaking point every time she opened up to someone. Many times she wondered if it would be easier to cut herself off like Harry did, to numb the pain and all other emotions by shoving them into an imaginary black hole. Anything to stop the ache that had set shop in her chest, crushing her heart.

Leaving the support of the door, she walked the short distance that led to her bed and sat on it, doing her best not to let her stare slide towards the pictures that rested on the nightstand. She knew them by heart: Harry, Ron and her minutes before climbing onto the Hogwarts Express at the end of their first year, Ron, Harry and Ginny along with the Gryffindor team right after they'd won the previous' year's Quidditch cup with a bunch of Slytherins assembled behind them, throwing bitter glances over their shoulders, Harry and her only a little over one month before, at the Yule Ball, and finally…her and Ginny, sitting together in their ball gowns, smiling and waving at the camera. She couldn't bear to see Ginny, so happy, waving at her and smiling, while she still mourned her so. It only made the pain of not having her there anymore even more real.

***

"Oh come on, you need to tell me", Ginny pointed out, pushing Hermione on the arm playfully as they both laid face down on the girl's bed, propped on their elbows so they could look at the photo album that rested before them. Hermione blushed while she shook her long brown curls, attempting to deny that there was something to tell while the redness on her cheeks told a different story. "There's really nothing to tell, I…He…We…"

"Did he kiss you?"

Hermione stared at her friend, dumbfounded, unable to formulate an answer, before she broke into a fit of giggles. A wide smile appeared on Ginny's face and she threw her arms around her best friend's neck, leading them to fall off the bed they had settled on and onto the thick carpet that covered the ground. Their laughter resonated against the brick walls, completely pure and carefree. Letting go of the brunette, Ginny sat up and looked at Hermione expectantly. "Come on, do tell. The highlight of my love life is expecting Seamus to finally throw a general glance in my direction and realize I even exist."

"He did notice you, silly, he just won't act on it because of Dean. You know the poor boy's not over you yet."

Ginny had broken up with Dean a little after the beginning of the year, after discovering it was not him but Seamus she was truly interested in. It had been horrible for Dean and to this day, he still refused to talk to her, or even Ron. It was obvious her feelings for Seamus were reciprocated, simply by the way his eyes always drifted to her when they met with him, or at the Gryffindor table, which probably explained Ginny's disappointment when Seamus had invited someone else to the Yule ball. She had gone with a random Ravenclaw student whose name she barely could remember now, and to Hermione's surprise, Harry had invited her.

For the last few months, new feelings for the boy she had known since her first day at Hogwarts had emerged and she was overly confused by them. He had been more intentioned towards her, less inclined to get angry at her for whatever reason his mood dictated at the moment like it had been the case for the two years before that. The inseparable trio had returned to what it used to be in their first years, with the small difference that the group now included a fourth member. Because she had been included in their struggles so many times, the youngest Weasley child had become an integral part of their group, something Hermione had been more than happy about. As much as she appreciated Ron and Harry's company, she had always missed the presence of another girl she could confide in. Lavender and Pavarti were fun to have around when it came to girly chatter and rumors, but she knew she could never seek council with them.

"You're changing he subject, don't change the subject. Harry and you…", Ginny said, pulling herself up and sitting on the edge of the bed as she looked down at Hermione with an eyebrow raised. The brunette blushed again before grabbing a pillow that had followed them in their fall and throwing it at her friend. With an overdramatic gasp, Ginny grabbed a pillow of her own and aimed back. Soon it escalated in a full-fledged pillow fight, feathers flying everywhere, painting the room in a pure white. The two girls laughed in a carefree spirit that was rarely given to them to enjoy, completely oblivious to the fact that less than twenty four hours later, Voldemort would kill that laughter from one of them forever.

A quiet fire burned into the fireplace of the Transfiguration class as McGonagall gave the last of her instructions on their homework and Harry wondered how long it would take before the fire consumed itself and died. Aside from the quick practice on a rat, which he had successfully turned into a flower, he had paid no attention to the class, keeping his eyes on the fire that roared at first but now merely offered a source of heat for the first few rows. Ron had sat in the seat Hermione's absence had left empty instead of his usual place, by Harry's side. People started gathering their things after McGonagall announced they could leave and Harry followed the wave, picking up a few roll and squeezing his impressively thick book between his arm and his upper body before heading towards the door. As he turned around, his gaze met Ron's and he quickly turned away, unable to stand looking at his own best friend. Ron mirrored his movement, but as he did so he rushed towards the door without looking in front of him, bumping rather violently into someone and sending both their books and rolls on the ground. The redhead mumbled some random apology before bending down and reaching for his things without looking at whom he had bumped into. But soon the nagging voice that spoke up revealed who it was, "Sorry? What's the matter with you, Weasley? Unless you have a death wish, I'd suggest you keep your beady eyes in front of you."

Ron stood up straight, standing several inches taller than the blond haired Slytherin that stood before him. His face red with anger, he looked down at Draco, attempting to use his stature to get Malfoy to back up, but the boy only looked at him with a cruel grin on his face. "You probably do have a death wish. Seems to run in the family doesn't it? Your stupid dead sister certainly had one". Ron's physical response to his words was all the encouragement Draco needed to go forward. All the blood drained from his face and his shoulders fell. That simple fact made him look several years younger, and an even easier target. "Light up Weasley, she was worse than you are. I mean, you really have to be a bloody idiot to impale yourself on a sword."

On both sides of his body, Ron's fist were squeezed so hard his knuckles turned white, yet he didn't punch Draco, trying to refrain from hitting the boy. He knew that's what the Slytherin wanted, anything to cause trouble to a Gryffindor and even more so, a Weasley. "The stupid bin's better off dead."

The blow landed on Draco's jaw, sending him to the ground, so violent that it knocked him out on impact. Harry stood over Malfoy's unconscious body, panting as if he was fighting with an inner rage that threatened to consume him whole. A larger group than before formed itself around them, several Slytherins, including an over dramatic Pansy Parkinson, who gathered around Draco and tried to get him to regain consciousness.

Harry felt one hand on his shoulder pulling him around roughly. He expected to find a discontent McGonagall there, but was instead surprised by a fist impacting on his face and sending him bumping back into a desk. The desk hit him in the middle of his thighs, sending a jolt of pain all across both legs and he grabbed the edge of the desk to keep himself from bouncing and falling on the ground. His other hand resting on his face, he looked up in shock at an enraged Ron. "Ron…I…", he started, puzzled.

"It's your fault. I don't care what Hermione says, I don't care that you didn't choose this. It's still your fault for dragging all of us into these life and death situations. It's you Voldemort was trying to kill, it's you that should have died. You should have died instead of her!", he spat as he covered the small distance that stood between them, grabbing both his shoulders and pushing him away from the desk. Harry took the second punch without trying to dodge it, because all the accusations Ron poured on him, he already felt for himself. He blamed himself, he probably would for the rest of his life. A life that would most likely be short and brutal. Ron's face was covered in tears as he screamed at Harry with all he had, punching him a third time before the boy that lived collapsed onto the ground, his nose bleeding, his bottom lip cleaved and quickly swelling. "It's all your fault. Your parents, Cedric, Sirius, Ginny. They all died because of you Harry. Don't you see everyone would be better off with you dead?!"

"Mr. Weasley!", McGonagall's voice cried out, offended. The teacher grabbed the back of his robes and quickly dragged him out of the classroom, leaving a shattered Harry on the ground. Dean and Seamus helped him up but he freed his arms when he heard someone mention bringing him to Madame Pomfrey. He didn't want to lay down in an hospital bed, he needed to see her. He wasn't sure why, he simply knew that she would listen, that she would be there.

Hermione rolled onto her back and pressed her fingers against her temples, her head throbbing. She had cried herself to sleep, and now she felt like a mess. A mess she probably was. Her long dark curls were slightly tangled, her eyes red and she was only wearing the white shirt and black skirt she usually wore under her wizard robes, which rested in a pile at the foot of her bed. Throwing her legs over the edge of the bed, she pushed herself up as she checked the muggle clock she kept on her nightstand. She wasn't shocked to realize she had missed both her History of Magic and Transfiguration classes, she was shocked to realize she didn't care. With a long sigh, she left her bed and headed for the door, deciding to go freshen up before heading out for supper.

A loud gasp escaped her mouth as she opened the door and revealed an injured Harry on the other side. For a moment, she remained silent, gazing at his bloody face, before she reached out and pulled on his arm, bringing him closer to her and lifting her other hand to touch at his cleaved lip tentatively. "Oh, Harry…"

The Yule Ball was at its highest, a hundred Hogwarts students waltzing and an out of time feel resting like a veil on the room. Gleeful laughs broke the silence of the garden as a pair ran out, holding hands. Candles floating on both sides of the road lighted their way as they headed down towards the lake, the man pulling his date behind him, her ivory dress almost shining in the darkness of this cold night. At last, they stopped, both panting as he turned to face her, a large smile on his face. The brunette smiled broadly as she spoke with some difficulty. "Harry…you're acting crazy…"

His only response was a laugh and she looked into his eyes, finding nothing but happiness in them. He stopped laughing and returned her gaze, installing a long silence between them. Hermione was the first to speak up, asking a question that had troubled her for the last few weeks. "Harry…why did you invite me to the Ball?"

As if her question embarrassed him, his gaze sunk to the ground and he let go of her hand. She let it fall flatly against her thigh, a soft sound of ruffles breaking the silence as it fell against her dress. "Harry?", she asked again, her voice so uncertain it forced him to look up at her. "For the same reason I broke up with Cho," was his only answer, an answer that troubled her even more. She felt the knot in her stomach intensify as her amber eyes met with his green ones and he reached out again for her hands. Her hand was shaking when he laced his warm fingers with her cold ones, and she smiled nervously, her heart pounding in her chest. "Harry.. .I'm not sure I understand"

But it was a lie, she understood perfectly. It was mind blowing, surprising, and a dream come true, but she understood perfectly. She simply needed to hear him say it. As if he could read her mind, he grinned at her before bending down and softy covering her lips with his. The surprise caused her body to stiffen, but she quickly gave into the kiss. It wasn't her first kiss, but this was different. Kissing Harry was like coming home.

"What happened Harry?", she asked as she pulled him into her room and closed the door behind him. His only response was a grunt as she reached out to touch his cheek, which was already marked by a purple bruise, and she pulled back, a guilty look on her face for causing him pain. Before she could completely pull back, he grabbed her hand and applied it against his face again, more softly than she had previously done. "It's ok, I'm alright."

"You're obviously not Harry, have you seen yourself? Who…", she began, before realisation struck. "Ron…", she finished, answering her own question. Her cheeks flushed with anger and she sighed as she saw his reaction, a simple nod. He didn't seem angered by Ron's attack, he simply took the hits like he deserved them, because she knew that deep down, he truly believed he did. Shaking her head, she started pulling on his arms to get him to follow her to her bed, where she sat him, bending to take a closer look at his wounds. "Now I suddenly find myself wishing I had been in that class. I would have turned him into a toad, that's what I would have done."

"Don't Hermione… He's not to blame for this", he said, his voice weary. Her reaction was instantaneous. "Oh. Well forgive me for thinking that his fist impacting on your face made him responsible for you being in pain."

"He's not. He's the one in pain Hermione, a pain I caused. You can deny it all you want Hermione, but in the end, I'm still responsible for her death. The sword was aimed at me, never at her. I might not have chosen this life but it's still my life. There's not a second that passes where I don't wish it was me that died and not her, but that doesn't make me any less responsible", he said, his hands resting on her hips to provide her a better stability as she stood before him, between his legs and examined his wounds, cleaning the blood away with a tissue. He hissed as she brushed it over his lip, and she pulled back, wrinkling her nose. "I'm sorry…"

"No, no…it's ok. Simply stings a bit", he said, maintaining his soft grip on her hips so she wouldn't back away. She felt her body tingle as he pulled her a bit closer, and her hand shaking, she continued her care for his wounds. Several minutes passed with neither of them speaking, yet the silence never felt heavy between them. "Why didn't you go to the infirmary?"

"Because I wanted to be with you.", he said, his voice flat, like it was the most obvious thing on earth. Looking into his eyes, she felt her heart pound into her chest as she realized that he hadn't looked at her that way for weeks, not since the night they had shared their first and only kiss. They had gone their separate ways during the Christmas vacation the day after, her with her parents and him at the Black's House. Ginny's death had occurred about a week after their return to Hogwarts, leaving both of them so shattered they had barely exchanged words. She turned away from him, freeing herself from his hands and threw the tissue in the trash, with a long sigh. She'd waited so long for them to be alone, like this, together, but now that they were, she was left hating her own self for being happy when Ginny was gone. It was ridiculous, she knew it was, but she still felt bad for enjoying life again with her best friend gone, as if her death should have stopped the world from turning.

"I won't ever admit that it was your fault Harry, don't ask that from me", she simply said, matter-of-factly as she turned around and faced him, her arms crossed over her chest. She found him standing in front of her, his heavy robes tossed on the ground, leaving him only wearing his shirt and a loose tie over his black pants. "It doesn't affect the fact that it is. It also doesn't change the fact that every single one of the deaths that occurred since Voldemort came back happened because my blood flows through his veins. All these deaths, they're my fault."

"No! Harry! Stop doing this to yourself! Voldemort used your blood so he could kill you. But he failed. Who knows how many lives you saved by stopping him then.", she cried out angrily, unable to believe that he would blame himself so. It felt as though all the accusations that had poured down on him throughout the years were starting to affect him in such a way that he thought them true. "Supposedly saved lives do not change the truth. Sirius, Cedric, Ginny and my parents died to save my life. If I were never born, they would still be alive today."

His voice, flat until then, rose louder, resonating against the high walls of her large room. When he went silent, she simply looked at him, unable to come up with a reply, her eyes filled with tears of equal frustration and sadness. He starred back at her, then lifted one hand and took her chin in it, his fingers softly brushing against her skin. As he spoke again, he held her face up so she wouldn't look away from him. "If I'd never come to Hogwarts, you would be happy now, Hermione. You wouldn't be mourning your best friend's death. Everyone would be better off if I were dead."

His words cut through her like steel, leaving her shattered. Yet, somehow, she found her voice and whispered, her eyes locked with his. "If you died Harry, everything I am would die with you." A single tear escaped the corner of her eye and travelled down her face, dying against his fingers, which still held her chin, leaving her even more aware of their proximity. Her fingers covered his hand, pushing it away, as he shook his head sadly. "Don't Mione…don't…"

Warm lips pressing against his shut him up, and although he softly pushed her away at first, he quickly gave into the kiss, wrapping his arm around her waist to pull her closer against his body. Their kiss resulted in more than a simple passion between them, it betrayed a need to find comfort in each other. To lay down their pain. Her small hands clutched at his chest, pulling against his shirt to bring him closer to her and finally giving up simply to turn to untying his shirt buttons. Pushing her backwards, he pressed her back against the wall, causing her to moan against his lips as she pushed his shirt over his broad shoulders. His tie was long gone as the shirt fell to the ground, soon followed by the white t-shirt he wore underneath. Greedy hands got her shirt open and out of the way, leaving her only in her underwear as her skirt joined it on the ground, his lips travelling down to her neck, tasting her skin. She whispered his name over and over, lost in the comfort the heat of his skin against hers provided. He suddenly pulled her against him and away from the wall, swirling her around to finally lay her down on the bed.

She groaned in protest when he didn't kiss her, a groan that got lost in a sigh as his lips travelled down her neck towards her chest. She felt as though she was in a trance, like a thick fog surrounded them. Reaching down, she placed her hands behind his head and pulled him up so she could claim his lips once more. As he pulled back from the kiss, his green eyes met hers and she froze in place, short of breath. "I love you"

Before she could even reply, he caught her lips again, and she felt something wet and warm against her face. She instantly realized what it was: his tears. She felt her heart jump in her chest, drawn by the need to be with him, and she wrapped her legs around him as he completely laid down on top of her. The pain was sharp but it only lasted a moment, a moment during which he covered her face with a rain of soft kisses. And quickly the pain subsided, a shiver of pleasure crossing her entire body. "God, I love you…"