WINDFALL
My Confessions
By Godswake
*~*~*
Chapter one: A poem
Chapter song: Sending A Note, Graham Colton Band
Disclaimer: I do not own any ideas/related themes or characters from any of J.K. Rowling's five presently released novels. Any characters, themes or ideas you do not recognize are my work. James's poem courtesy of Sylvia Plath.
In my days at Hogwarts, there was a small open grove of trees that found itself situated on the very outer edge of what was deemed "The Forbidden Forest" by many at the school. This forest was packed with hundreds of races of magical creatures. As most people tended to think that every living thing beyond the forest's borders was dangerous, students were banned from this sizable portion of the grounds. But I didn't see what there was to fear. As long as you never bothered anything in there, you were safe. So I came to look at this small open circle of trees and grass and stream as my own personal sanctuary. I went there to think, to ponder the meaning of life, to cool down when I was sad or pissed off, and to admire the occasional unicorn that came to visit. According to legend, unicorns were attracted to young virgin girls. I was young. I was pretty sure I was a girl. I was defiantly a virgin. I appreciated their company.
On one particular day in mid-September, I had taken it upon myself to wander over to "the grove" as I called it, so I could write in my diary and think. Any normal thirteen year old would have been keen to spend the day with her friends, but at that point in time, I was feeling above idle chatter. I was feeling deep and insightful, and that, my friends, is the perfect time to record your thoughts. (I didn't have many friends anyway.)
It was just the right day for such antics. Late afternoon: the sky was deepening in its deep blue and the breeze smelled like autumn. I loved that. Fall was my favorite season, and the annual feeling in the air when summer was fading and autumn and winter were coming on always made me feel giddy.
I strolled nonchalantly past the young gamekeeper Hagrid's cabin and around the edge of the huge lake that surrounded the grounds, smiling faintly when I spotted the familiar cluster of trees. The prospect of being alone and being able to just… be… if even for a little while, made me happy. It didn't take much to get me happy. Settling myself against a mossy rock, I propped my diary up on my knees, pulled out my quill, and let loose. The sound of an unseen stream nearby seemed almost like encouragement. I wrote. It was a pastime of mine that tended to bring on all of the deep-seated emotional problems that bubbled like a poison inside of me. Letting them seep from my hand and through my quill and onto the parchment was a release. I was draining the sick blood, and it felt marvelous.
I'm not sure how long I sat there, but I am sure that nothing could have interrupted me. Except for maybe a group of four boys who came tumbling into the forest like a herd of wild elephants. Breathless, windswept and sweating, they looked like gods. Gods who had no place being in my secret place.
Anyway, after their abrupt entrance, or intrusion, I should say, there followed a series of ejaculations (vocal, you perverts!) due to each party's surprise. I, having been wrenched from my reverie, screamed and bumped my head on a branch, Sirius Black gave out a bark-like laugh and fell on the ground, Remus Lupin shrieked rather effeminately and looked embarrassed afterward, and Peter Pettigrew laughed at him while James Potter looked temporarily dumbstruck.
The absurdity of this scene had blinded me from the way I should have felt (mortally embarrassed) and brought up feelings of frustration.
"Excuse me!" I said, rather harshly as I hurriedly stuffed my journal into my bag.
The four boys all exchanged glances and seemed unable to speak, until Sirius Black, the school's notorious womanizer and smooth-taker, spoke up.
"What do you mean, `excuse me'?" he said, quite lacking in tact as I managed to glare despite his staggering beauty. "Forgive me, but no one informed me that this was your forest. Is it?"
"I like to think that sometimes I've at least got a sort of claim on this little portion of it, yeah," I rejoindered quickly. Everyone had always admired these four immature boys and regarded them as heroes, including myself, and of all the ways I had envisioned our first meeting might go, this was most defiantly one of the scenarios I had in mind. Go figure.
The next who spoke was Remus Lupin. Remus, of the four (if you really made me choose) was probably my favorite. He always seemed in the shadow of Sirius and James, the more dominating powers of the group. And although he may not have been described as devastatingly handsome, he was defiantly attractive, and the underlying innocence in him shone through his large amber eyes and made him look like a fallen angel.
"We're sorry about this, Lily. We-"
"No we're not!" shouted Sirius huffily. I looked at him, and he suddenly looked ashamed and fell silent. I bit my lip to keep from giggling.
"-Yes, we are. Lily was here first. We'll get going. We honestly are sorry for barging in. Aren't we?" He looked at his friends. Peter and Sirius nodded, but James was still in a stupor. He seemed to be staring at me. No, no. That wasn't it. There was probably something behind me. Or he was on acid. Remus elbowed him hard in the chest. This snapped the ringleader out of his silly-looking gaze.
"Ow! Damn, mate, what was that for?" he rubbed his hand gingerly over his left peck.
"We were just apologizing to Lily," said Remus patiently.
"Who?"
"Lily, James. Lily," Remus sighed as he massaged his temples. I laughed. I found it interesting that I was the subject of their conversation, but none of them gave a flying flipping fuck who I was. Sort of ironic.
"Uh- right. But what am I apologizing for?"
Sirius smacked his forehead with his palm.
"You'll have to excuse him. Anyway, we'd better go. Bye Lily." Remus began ushering the other three boys through the trees and back where they came.
"Bye Lily!" squealed Sirius, waving his hand much too enthusiastically. I glared.
"Bye Lily!" Peter did the exact same thing that Sirius had before his exit. Original. I rolled my eyes.
"Bye Lily."
I blinked. James had sounded somewhat earnest. As I gathered up my bag and left the grove, my thoughts swirled as I walked back up to the castle, and they all surrounded one question: How did any of them now my name?
As I mused I decided to change my surroundings. I followed my feet back up to the library, which provided dismal, but much more private little nooks that I could hide in without being disturbed. I sat there for… I don't know, maybe fifteen, twenty minutes. In perfect silence. Just writing. Just reflecting and bearing my soul to a piece of paper. It was a pastime that required a good deal of self-pity, so you could create an onslaught if it and never cease to be profound.
I became so absorbed in myself that I didn't even notice, not even out of the corner of my concentrated eye, that two people had been trying to get my attention almost the entire time.
As I had been contenting myself moi-meme, Sirius Black and peter Pettigrew were table hopping from one end of the side of the library opposite me to my respective corner, hiding their faces behind books on astrology and anthropology and disturbing the study groups that were scattered about the high-ceilinged room. I only noticed their peculiar antics when they had both taken chairs at my round table and stared suspiciously over the rims of the thick volumes that otherwise covered the rest of their faces. They were idiots, no matter how cute. I sighed and set down my quill.
"Can I help you?"
The two delinquents exchanged glances from behind their masks. Sirius nodded to Peter, and they lowered the books.
"Yes?" I prompted.
Sirius delicately folded his hands in front of him. Peter followed suit. Honestly, the kid was so inanimate. Like a chubby robot, or something. Anyway.
"No," said Sirius. "But we can help you."
"I'm sorry?"
"We've brought something for you," elaborated Peter.
"What's that?"
They didn't say anything else, but Sirius searched in his pocket and pulled out a small, folded up piece of parchment, and set it down in front of me and my journal, which I suddenly noticed was still lying open for both of them to read. I felt naked, but neither of them even stole a glance at it.
As they turned to leave, Sirius winked at me, and then the two of them chorused another cheesy "Bye Lily!' before skipping off (yes, they were skipping) toward the exit. Not quite sure how I felt about this encounter, I noticed my fingers shook a little as I clumsily unfolded the tiny note.
Not easy to state the change you made.
If I'm alive now, then I was dead,
Though, like a stone, unbothered by it,
Staying put according to habit.
You didn't just toe me an inch, no-
Nor leave me to set my small bald eye
Skyward again, without, of course,
Of apprehending blueness, or stars.
That wasn't it. I slept, say: a snake
Masked among black rocks as a black rock
In the white hiatus of winter-
Like my neighbors, taking no pleasure
In the million perfectly-chiseled
Cheeks alighting each moment to melt
My cheeks of basalt. They turned to tears,
Angels weeping over dull natures,
But didn't convince me. Those tears froze.
Each dead head had a visor of ice.
And I slept on like a bent finger.
The first thing I saw was sheer air
And the locked drops rising in a dew
Limpid as spirits. Many stones lay
Dense and expressionless round about.
I shone, mica-scaled, and unfolded
To pour myself out like a fluid
Among bird feet and stems of plants.
I wasn't fooled. I knew you at once.
Lily-
Hello. I'd like to get to know you. Would you meet me by the willow at the lakeside tomorrow around six? Hope you enjoyed the poem.
-James
Breathe in, breathe out.
James potter, write to me? No…
That poem was Sylvia Plath. I knew it. I knew and read and loved her work, along with that of several other poets (for example, William Blake, Edgar Allen Poe); the depressed, insightful, brilliant and quiet types with suicidal tendencies. They understood me and I them. I could relate. So how would Potter know that?
And then it came to me. It was a joke. A Marauder's prank. And if I had really taken the bait, there would most likely be something interesting waiting for me beside that tree. And it wouldn't be James Potter.
It made sense the more I thought about it. Boring, ugly, shy bookworm redheads never get attention from boys. Not the kind they might want, anyway. I wanted to beat myself for ever being self-absorbed or slow enough to think that a Marauder would want to talk to me. Ha. I wished. I was nothing more than their latest victim.
Resigned to this fact, my head began to real with overcrowded thoughts as the idea of impending humiliation attacked my self-esteem, which tended to be prone to fast declines if I lost faith in myself. (As I believe I've mentioned before.) At a complete loss for what to do or even what to think about all this randomness, the light bulb took a while to come on. But when it did, I knew my solution was as lucid and as glass and as blatant as a muggle in Diagon Alley. Morgana. Morgana Tudor, my best friend, my love, my light- would know exactly what to do.
~*~*~
"I have no idea what to do," said Morgana, passing me back the mysterious note after I had explained this afternoon's events to her. So much for plan B.
"Jesus, Morgan, where are your ingenious egg-headed obscure ideas when I need them?" I whined.
" On vacation."
"Really, where?"
"Oh, you know, Monaco, Greece, Florence, Paris, Milan…"
"Why weren't you and I invited?"
"Because we're humongous losers."
"Ah."
There followed a brief silence that made the air in our girly dorm room seem heavy with concentration.
"How do you know that this note isn't a real attempt to get to know you?" Morgana's words were courteous enough, but her facial expression gave her away. She and I both knew that James Potter would never give any girl a poem. Especially if that girl was nerd extraordinaire, Lily Evans.
I gave her a look, and she said finally: "Look, I'll come down there with you. That way even if they are planning on using you for some stupid prank, and let's face it darling, they probably are-"
Hey. She was honest.
"- I'll go down with you."
And I loved her.
Finally somewhat at ease after the evening's escapades, I was able to sleep that night, my dreams filled to the brim with almost every possible bad situation I was likely to come by on the morrow.
~*~
A/N- first, I don't even know if any of you will catch this, but I wrote that Remus's eyes are of an amber hue. This is simply because I found nothing on JKR's website and nothing on any other sites that she recommended concerning their real color, so I took an author's license, a small liberty, whatever you want to call it. I figured that amber is an original, pretty color, and also remember that wolves are said to have amber eyes. I wouldn't know from personal experience, but… I talk too much. Anyway, thanks a million for your support. Stick around for the next chapter, and I'd appreciate feedback! See you on the flip-flop!
-Godswake ;)
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