A/N: This was inspired by, and very heavily based on, Lori's AU cookie, "Her." I nearly made myself cry with this.
As always, I don't own anything Harry Potter-related. It's all JKR's (and if she decides to kill Harry, I will not be held responsible for my actions.) The song is "There You'll Be" by Faith Hill, from the "Pearl Harbor" soundtrack.
Please review, and no flames please!
It has been five years now. Five years since it happened, since I lost him.
I lost him. We lost each other. He is no longer here.
I cannot say the actual words. I never have been able to. I, who have always prided myself on my directness, my ability to state the truth, cannot say the actual words even in thought.
I don't know how I survived his loss.
We talked about it many times. I knew there was a danger. He knew there was a danger. We would have been idiots not to know, with the number of enemies he had. And yet, when it happened and I heard, I couldn't believe it.
One doesn't expect the worst to happen. One talks about the worst happening, imagines the worst happening, but one does not actually expect it. Hope springs eternal.
But now I have no hope. I cannot have hope. My hope left when he did.
When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed
To get to have you in my life
When I look back on these days
I look and see your face
You were right there for me
I dream about him often. It used to be every night. I dream that he is with me again, that he is smiling at me, that he is touching me. I dream and for those moments I'm happy again.
But it is always just a dream, always just a fleeting happiness, and never real.
I am always grieving for him. I work, I talk to people, I smile, even laugh, but I am always grieving for him. I know I always will, until the day I go to join him.
A year ago, someone mentioned that I was still young, still attractive.
Attractive. It's a word I never use to describe myself now. It no longer has any relevance because he is not here for me to be attractive to.
I have never tried, will never try, to replace him in my life. I cannot. He was, is, always will be, the last man I ever loved.
In my dreams I always see you
Soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am, there you'll be.
I wonder sometimes how I survived those days right after it happened.
Then, no, I didn't survive. I died the moment I heard the news, the moment I saw his body. I died the moment I heard the words, "He's gone, Hermione."
The first week was one long, endless nightmare. People came by to see me, steady trickles, to commiserate, but I did not, could not see them. Owls came from all over the world that I did not read. Ginny took care of it for me. She was the one who spoke to people. She was the one who read the owls. I could not.
I retreated that week, stayed in our bedroom, where we'd slept, made love, talked, laughed… I felt closest to him there and never wanted to leave.
I still use our bedroom to this day. It is a cold and lonely room without him and yet I could not bear to move.
His clothes are still hanging in the closet next to mine. His shoes lie next to mine on the floor. His pictures, mostly pictures of us, remain on our desk.
I know there are those who don't understand. I do not care. There are those who did not understand our love as well.
You showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember
All the strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh I owe so much to you
You were right there for me
He is always with me. He haunts me. There are still times when I think if I just look hard enough, I will see him standing beside me, smiling his familiar smile. Still times when I think I can hear his voice or his laugh. I know that he is gone; it is a soul-crushing knowledge deep inside me that I can neither forget nor deny, and yet I still think I see him or hear him.
He is always with me. It is not just that we were inseparable for so long. It is that he is in my heart, in my soul, a part of me.
I miss him so much. I miss him so much it feels like I'm missing a limb.
I go on without him because I must. And yet I am always missing him, wishing to be with him.
'Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
You were right there for me, all the way.
I wonder how long it will be until I go to join him. He is waiting for me, I know it. And when the time comes, I will be glad to go.
I am not unhappy. I have many blessings, my friends, my family. But they are not him.
He always was the most important person to me, still is, and so I wait for the day when I will join him, wherever he is.
And then we will be together forever, as we always said we would be. He and I. My Harry and me.
I miss him so. I love him so. And I wait to be with him again.
In my dreams I always see you
Soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am, there you'll be.