AN: This story was originally written during the hay days of the C.O.I. While most of the cookie jar writers on FA were pumping out near smut/NC-17 rated stories. I had yet to contribute. I wanted to write something from Hermione's perspective since I love writing her character so much. I didn't want to write a typical "sex-goddess" Hermione. I do however love writing her in humour- since JK gives her such a fantastic dry wit, and I think Ron shouldn't always have the punch line. So I came up with this. It kind of pokes fun at nearly every Hermione ship and does include some innuendo which I absolutely love.
I can't take complete credit for this story. I was very fond of the Dark Angel TV series- so this is my tribute to it.
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"Crookshanks! What are you doing out in the corridors?" cooed Hermione, walking up to her orange fur ball of a friend. Crookshanks gave a low 'meow' and trotted off, with Hermione in pursuit. She zig-zagged in between the students trying to catch up with him. Crookshanks definitely looked like he was on a mission.
"Hello Hermione...Her- Hermione?" said Harry watching her walk straight past him.
"Can't talk Harry," she said pointing towards Crookshanks.
"I'll help you then," he said turning around and following her, "how did he get into the hallways? Out of the common room no less?"
"I guess he got out as someone was coming in- he can be very fast," said Hermione side-stepping a few third years.
Crookshanks weaved in and out of the students legs until finally, he found his objective. Mrs Norris, the caretakers cat, had just popped around the corner. Both Harry and Hermione stopped dead in their tracks, as they watched the two cats rub against each other, purring loudly.
"What is your cat doing?" asked Harry.
"Crookshanks!" Hermione swooped down and scooped him up.
Harry was about to laugh when Mr Filch popped up around the corner, swooping up Mrs Norris in his own arms.
"You keep that bloody cat away from Mrs Norris! It's been after her all week."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know how it got out of the common room. This is the first time he's-"
"No excuses!," he snapped, "if that fur ball, hurt Mr Norris-"
"Actually, Mr Filch they seemed quite friendly," Harry interrupted.
Filch narrowed his eyes at Harry, and then looked at Hermione. "Keep it locked up in your room where he belongs," he growled then turned the corner to disappear.
Hermione hugged Crookshanks close and scratched the back of his ear. "It's okay Crooks," said Hermione, "he'll never hurt you," and gave her cat squeaky kisses on top of his head.
Harry cleared his throat, and Hermione stopped and looked at him.
"We better bring him back to the common room, we're due for transfiguration next."
When classes ended that day, Ron, Harry and Hermione were returning to their common room when our of the corner of Hermione's eye she saw a bottle brush tail whip around the corner.
"Oh no," she said taking off at a run.
"Hermione?" called Ron and Harry and chased after her.
"It's Crookshanks!" she called over her shoulder, "he's got out again!"
"So why are we chasing him?" said Ron sprinting along side Harry.
"Because! Filch will hurt him," said Harry as they caught up to Hermione.
"That's not such a bad thing you know!" shouted Ron trying to keep the pace.
Hermione kept her eyes focused on Crookshanks when he suddenly came to a stop- right in front of Mrs Norris. They curled their tails together and started to purr loudly.
"What is Mrs Norris doing?" asked Ron with his nose wrinkled.
"Crookshanks has found himself a girlfriend," said Harry resting his hands on his knees.
"Crookshanks come here!" Hermione hissed. " I don't understand, he's never acted like this before."
"Spring romances...they never last," said Ron.
Hermione was about to pick up Crookshanks when a pair of old looking boots appeared around the corner. "Mrs- Mrs Norris?" said Filch as his jaw hit the floor. "GET AWAY FROM MY CAT YOU OVER-STUFFED-"
It happened so fast.
Filch spun around and grabbed a wand out of a second year passer-by's bag, raised it above his head and a red jet of sparks flew out- it missed Crookshanks by inches, ricochet off of Mrs Norris and hit Hermione in the chest.
Hermione stumbled backwards and muttered a soft 'ouch.'
"ARGUS FILCH!"
Everyone jumped and turned around to see Professor McGonagall standing there. Filch looked at his hand and thrust the wand back at the second year who took off running.
"Miss Granger, are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine," said Hermione, picking up her cat.
"Her cat- her cat," said Filch pointing his shaking finger and Crookshanks.
"In all my years at Hogwarts, I thought YOU of all people-"
"Mrs Norris was being attacked!" shouted Filch.
Harry Ron and Hermione watched in horror as McGonagall's nostrils flared.
"You attacked a student! Over a Cat!...The three of you will return that cat to the common room, and go directly to supper. I assure you Mr Filch the Headmaster will be notified."
After dropping off Crookshanks in the common room, they proceeded to the great hall and found their usual seats.
"This is amazing!" said Ron pouring gravy all over his turkey, "Filch gets in trouble and we get away."
"What is this world coming too?" said Harry in a mock voice.
"How was Filch able to do magic? Isn't he a squib?" asked Hermione, wrenching her tie loose.
"Must be those Kwik-spell lessons," Harry replied "…Hermione you okay?
"I think so," she said fanning her face, "it's a little warm in here isn't it?"
"No- I'm fine, " said Ron taking a sip of his drink.
"I think I might be coming down with something, " said Hermione feeling her forehead.
"You better not," said Harry pouring more pumpkin juice in Hermione's goblet, "Hogsmeade is this weekend."
"If you're sick we're staying the hell away from you," said Ron, "we've got a Quidditch match against Ravenclaw in on Monday...we can't afford to be sick."
"It's probably just from the running," said Hermione, taking a deep sip from her goblet. She saw Harry narrow his eyes at her, "honeslty Harry - I'll be fine."
After a few hours of homework, they bid each other good night and went to bed. As soon as Hermione got up to her room she desperately shook off her robe. "So- hot!" she said peeling off her jumper and letting the cool air rush through her shirt, she stood there blowing a sweaty strand of hair from her face and looked on top of her bed. Crookshanks looked up at her with his yellow eyes, lazily swishing his tail up and down.
"You could have gotten your self into big trouble today," she said crawling towards him and scratching the side of his face. He let out a 'meow' and closed his eyes. She sighed as she felt her eyes grow heavy with tiredness, laying on her side as she gently stroked Crookshanks back, and fell asleep.
Hermione rose up again, hearing a loud scream coming from down stairs. She bolted from her bed and rushed down the stairs. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw five death eaters in the room.
"STUPEFY!" Hermione shouted, one death eater ducked while the others were blasted against the wall.
The one that ducked, stood up straight again, but Hermione was faster. "Expelliarmus!" she shouted and his wand flew out of his hands. His masked face darted from window to window, looking for an escape. Hermione had to get Dumbledore, but there was no time, Harry was no where to be seen. Hermione knew if she ran for help the death eater would be gone by the time she came back.
"You!" she said and his mask whipped around to face her. She kept her wand straight at him. "Take off your robe."
The death eater hesitated but took off his robe and threw it to the ground.
"Your shirt too." Hermione commanded, she had to make sure he wasn't going to leave. With one hand in the air, the death eater took off his shirt. Hermione's left eye brow twitched as the glow from the near by lamp cascaded over his chiselled form.
"Nice," said Hermione with a small smile, but her face turned straight. "Get over on the bed," she commanded again. The death eater turned to his right where the bed was, he got over to the bed and Hermione marched over and pushed him down with her wand pointed at his chest. " I hope your as good as you look, " she said straddling his legs and crawling towards him, " because I'm the type of girl that likes to be on top of things."
She bent over and with her tongue, traced his Abdominal line up to his chest, casting her wand aside she grabbed the back of his head and tore off the mask.
"Harry?!" she said in shock looking at his smiling face. "What are you doing here?"
"Don't ask me," said Harry, "it's your dream."
Hermione snapped her eyes open with a sharp intake of breath, and sat up straight. Lavender and Parvarti looked at her.
"You all right?" asked Lavender, brushing her hair.
Hermione looked around furiously.
"Hermione you look a little flushed, are you feeling all right?" asked Pavarti
" I- I think so," said Hermione clutching her shirt, and pushing her sweaty bangs away from her forehead. She flung herself back on to the bed and Crookshanks crawled on her stomach and began to knead it with his paws, purring rather loudly.
The next morning she decided not to wait for Ron and Harry as she went to down to breakfast. There at the table she met Ginny eating a bowl of porridge and reading the Daily Prophet.
"Good Morning Hermione!" she said cheerfully.
"Morning Ginny," she said taking a seat next to her, pulling her robe closely to her.
"Are you okay?"
"Cold shower," said Hermione pouring herself some orange juice.
"Why didn't you just-"
But Ginny didn't have the chance to finish, the bench was shaking. Hermione was bouncing her leg up and down on the ball of her foot really fast. "Are you nervous about something?"
"That's ridiculous, why would I be nervous?" said Hermione brushing away her sweaty bangs.
"Good morning Harry! Ron!" said Ginny as the two boys approached the table. Hermione nearly dropped her milk jug. And Harry just HAD to sit beside her. Hermione swallowed hard as she felt her heart beat faster.
Do NOT look at him whatever you do-
"Want some sausage?"
"WHAT?" Hermione snapped.
"That's a no then," said Ron lowering the plate down and handing it to Harry.
"Pardon my reach," said Harry as he leaned towards her to grab a slice of toast.
Hermione eye's fluttered shut as she felt his arm press against her and caught a whiff of his after shave. She bit her lip playfully. As he drew himself back she watched him slowly lick his lips out of the corner of her eye.
"Hermione you're sweating," he said suddenly.
Hermione snapped out of it. "What?" she said worriedly.
"It looks like you've been sweating- your bangs are a little wet," said Harry, "are sure you're not coming down with something?"
"Um," she said looking around for her book bag, " I-I've got classes," she said getting up and banging her knee against the table in the process, slinging her bag over her shoulder she walked quickly out of the Great Hall.
Staring straight at the ground she didn't see what was in front of her.
"OUCH!"
"I'm so sorry...I...was," Hermione trailed off as Seamus's chisled jaw line smiled at her.
"Hello Hermione, my fault- been really clumsy lately, here let me help."
Funny. She never realized how sexy that Irish accent was. Then he did the unthinkable.
He bent over.
Hermione slowly ran her hand through her sweaty hair as she watched Seamus upright himself holding Hermione's books. The corner of her mouth twitched as she smiled a very wicked smile.
"Here," he said handing the books to her, "em...Hermione?"
A look spread over her face as if she just realized where she was.
"Thanks!" she said ripping the books out of his hand and walking away very fast.
Hermione was almost at a run when she walked into the library. She walked straight towards the back and hid herself among the book shelves. Dropping her bag, she slammed her back against the wall and grabbed her hair.
"What is happening to me?"
She sighed heavily and lowered her hands. Turning her head to look at the desks she saw a blond haired Slytherin, frowing at the book he was reading. She slowly picked her self up from the wall and looked at Draco Malfoy. She watched as he stretched out his arms and rubbed the back of his neck. There was something about those arms that flexed ever so lightly under his shirt. And that hair…
Malfoy stood up and walked over towards her to return his book when he stopped dead. "What are you looking at Granger?"
Hermione started to walk towards him with her chin tilted down, her eyes narrowed at him. She gave him a half smirk as she tossed her hair back. "Did I ever tell you how sexy you look with that hair slicked back?"
"What the hell are you doing Granger?!" said Malfoy watching her hand move across his chest. Hermione leaned forwards but suddenly she felt her collar go tight around her neck and was pulled backwards.
"You better keep that Mudblood away from me, Weasel," said Draco taking a step back.
"Sod off Malfoy," said Ginny keep a firm grip on Hermione's robes as she tried to advance forward.
"Class Hermione!" shouted Ginny as she turned Hermione around, grabbed her bag and headed for the exit.
Hermione finally seemed to snap out of it as they exited the library.
"What the heck was that?" demanded Ginny.
"I-I don't know what's wrong with me," said Hermione, "Every male I've bumped into I-I just…loose control."
"Don't tell Ron," said Ginny as they turned the corner, "how long has this been happening?"
"This morning?"
Hermione felt something brush against her leg. Crookshanks was weaving in and out of her legs rubbing against her calves purring loudly.
"Out again?" said Hermione picking him up. Crookshanks swished his tail back and forth, "I've got to take him back to the common room, do you mind coming with me? In case I…go under?"
Ginny nodded. "No problem."
Crookshanks didn't seem to want to leave Hermione's side. Every time they tried to exit the common room Crookshanks tried to go with her.
"Does he always do this?" asked Ginny grabbing on the back of his tail to pull him backwards.
"Only for Mrs Norris."
"Mrs Norris?"
"It was rather cute actually," said Hermione blocking the exit with her leg. " It was like her smell was leading him to her or something."
"Ha! Love vibes!"
Hermione stopped suddenly.
"Oh no," Hermione groaned.
"What? Hermione what is it?" asked Ginny as she watched Hermione sink into a near by chair, with Crookshanks close behind.
"This is not good, this is definitely not good," she said pushing her wet bangs up.
Ginny waved her hands frantically. " What?"