Author's Note: Funny thing, as I'm writing this, Hurricane Dennis is raging outside my bedroom window. It's like tree branch, tree branch, flying dog, tree branch, power line, tree branch…
Pretty swe-eet.
Chapter 5 Puck's Potion
Be kind and courteous to this gentleman;
Hop in his walks and gambol in his eyes;
Feed him with apricots and dewberries,
With purple grapes, green figs, and mulberries…
And pluck the winds from painted butterflies
To fan the moonbeams from his sleeping eyes.
(A Midsummer Night's Dream. III.i.165)
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"Uh huh. Yeah, sure, yeah."
Tonks was nodding away as Harry told her his hard-luck tale about the young girl who was continually falling asleep on top of one Boy Who Didn't Know How Good He Had It.
Tonks was Very Proud that she'd managed to keep a straight face through the whole oh-poor-pitiful-me story.
Well not the whole story. Harry'd left out the embarrassing bits about his not-so-chivalrous reaction to said girl.
Lupin, however, was more uncomfortable than amused. "Are you asking for our blessing Harry?" He looked uncertainly to Tonks. He never thought he'd have to sanction premarital sex. Goodness, I feel so…old.
"No," Harry said calmly. "I need your help."
"Help?" Dear Lord, Lupin sighed wearily. Whatever responsibility he'd assumed by care of Harry, he wasn't prepared to explain the birds and the bees to his adopted ward. Lupin gave Tonks a help-me-please look, all too grateful when she flashed him a reassuring smile.
"'s all right dogface," she said, patting Lupin shoulder. "I've got this one."
Lupin gave a sigh of relief, shuddering at the catastrophe that this talk could've been.
"Now Harry." Tonks used her most mature adult voice as she took a seat next to him. (ahem) "When a man and a woman love each other very much….and if," she gave a thoughtful pause, "and, well, if they're sober, that is…"
Harry buried his hand in his hands. Oh for the love of Orfeo.
"…they usually go back his place," she continued merrily. "Although, if you're in a pinch, her place'll do, but you make it up to her on the next date because, really, it's just not done…"
"No, no, no, no," Harry sighed. Gods, why couldn't I just have normal caregivers? "No," Harry repeated firmly. "I don't want that. I want it to stop."
"Stop?" She asked, looking back towards Lupin.
"Yes. To stop." Harry answered through gritted teeth.
"Her sleeping with you is a problem?" Tonks shook her head, puzzled.
"It's not how it sounds…" Harry mumbled.
"Oh really?" Tonks grinned. "Because it sounds like she's spoiling you."
"No. Look, I'm not trying to ….this just can't…I can't," Harry gave a growl of frustration. "I just want her to stop."
"Why?" Tonks asked blankly.
"Why what?" Harry asked darkly.
"Why do you want her to stop? Does she kick?"
"No…"
"Drool?"
"NO!" Harry exclaimed.
"Call some other bloke's name in her sleep?"
"Gods no! Of course not…"
"Oh, rub it in Harry…" Lupin mumbled.
Tonks hit her insensitive beau upside the head before turning back to Harry. "That's not funny," she replied. "Or true," she added as an afterthought.
"But," Tonks held up her hands to keep Harry from pulling out his hair. "Blinder Binders are hard to come by. Were so even before the war…"
"So there's nothing we can do?" Harry asked miserably.
"I think an ensnaring charm on her door should take care of it…" she trailed off. "Well, best to save that for Plan 'B.' What with all the maiming involved."
"Maiming?" Harry asked, alarmed.
"Just a little maiming," she muttered, musing over the idea.
"Have you thought about talking to her Harry?" Lupin asked. "I'm no expert on the fairer sex…" he ignored Tonks' chortled laugh, "but maybe if you just explain to her why you're uncomfortable and work together to overcome…"
"There is one spell," Tonks interrupted brightly. "Wait, no, what were you saying? Something about a something?"
Lupin waved away his let's-talk-it-over-reasonably suggestion. "Doesn't matter."
"Right," she continued blithely. "Anyhow, it helps people with these kinds of love-type problems."
"We're not in love," Harry said bitterly. That's the problem. Wouldn't be so bothered by it if I knew she wouldn't wake up screaming…er…screaming in a not-so-pleasant way…
Tonks looked with pity on the poor boy in front of her. "Trust me. It's perfect."
"What's it called?" Harry asked, almost dreading the answer.
"Puck's Potion."
"Puck's Potion…?" Harry echoed.
"Puck's Potion?" Lupin said skeptically. "That's not a plan my dear. That's something you use when a plan fails. It's like throwing a shoe at the problem."
"Oh of course it's a plan," she said blithely. "It's a great plan. Er…the potion, not the shoe," she corrected.
Harry gave them both a withering glance. "What is it?"
She motioning for Lupin's silence. "It's nothing really. Just makes it so she's none too keen to touch you. You know. Helps recovering honeymooners get through the day." She shrugged. "Quite harmless really."
"And it'll work?" Harry asked eagerly.
"No reason why it shouldn't."
She went on to tell Harry she'd take care of it the next day, and that he could go back to sleeping at night. Harry caught Lupin's grave look, but decided anything was better than his present caveman me-want-girl self. He said goodnight and went to his room, ready for one last night of let's-torture-Potter.
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"What?" Tonks asked a grim (of a different kind) Lupin.
"Bluebell…" he said wearily. "I'm not so sure about this."
"About what my love?" She asked as she leafed through a book of spells.
"This whole Puck's Potion idea of yours."
"It was my idea wasn't it," she said, beaming a bit before turning towards him. "Oh really Puppy, at least the poor guy will get a good night's sleep."
"My dear," he said, shaking his head. "That's not the point."
"Then what is the point?" She threw up her hands in surrender. "Harry gets to sleep, what's-her-name gets to do…whatever, and we can go back to ignoring the lot of them." She flashed him a thumbs up. "See? No downside."
"But what about Hermione?" Lupin asked with a frown.
"Who's Hermione?"
"Hermione. Harry's friend," he clarified.
Tonks furrowed her brow. "The red-head?"
"No, the girl."
Tonks shook her head.
"The one you're casting the spell on."
"Oh, her." Tonks waved her away. "Hermione. Right. She'll be fine. Better off really. She has no business crawling into bed with Harry anyway, sleepwalking or no. Don't want her tying herself down to a broody fellow like that do we?" She smiled sweetly and winked.
Lupin looked at her wearily. "You know, I've lost the ability to tell when you're being sarcastic."
"Well, chalk it up to your inability to understand the 'fairer sex.' Now if you'll excuse me," she brushed past him. "I have a spell to plan."