Author's note: For while, I've had a few plot devices in my head that never made it to paper. With the publication of HPB in a week (!!!), I fear my ideas will become horribly AU and never used. Thus I write this story, another reason why Harry might push his friends away.
Oh, and this story is again from Harry's POV with everything that comes with it. Enjoy!
Normal is Overrated
Since the year began, my seventh here at Hogwarts, I haven't had much reason to smile. The fight against Voldemort continues with growing ferocity, and I've spend almost every night training with Dumbledore or another Order member. I've even joined in several raids and battles against the Death Eaters, as Dumbledore sees this as a "safe" environment in which to hone my skills. I suppose he considers it safe because he's there to keep an eye on me, but, then again, keep in mind that this is coming from a man who relies on an eleven-year old as the last line of defense for the Sorceror's Stone. Safe has different meanings for this guy.
In addition to myself, Ron and Hermione have been also been heavily involved. From providing research (Hermione) and learning strategy (Ron) to occasionally participating in my training and leading D.A. sessions in my absence, they've been almost as busy as I have. Fortunately, Neville, Ginny, and Luna have provided invaluable help; otherwise, we'd all drive ourselves crazy and fail our NEWTs. Essentially, we all have two lives - one as students at Hogwarts, and one as soldiers against Voldemort - and finding time to have fun and relax is a difficult task.
Did I say difficult? For me, it's impossible, what with training and studying and fighting and worrying all day long. For the others, it's possible, but unlikely. Today, for example, was a Hogsmeade day. Predictably, I was unable to attend due to a training session with Moody; in fact, I haven't been to Hogsmeade since last year, and I don't even want to think about the last time I was on a broom for fun instead of practicing my aerial dueling. But at least the others were allowed to go.
I thought about that as I walked back to the Common Room after my training session. Rather than go in a group, my friends somehow managed to pair off into couples. During the middle of sixth year, Neville and Ginny hooked up, which on the face of it seems like an odd combination. After all, sometime during my fifth year, Ginny developed into a strong, independent witch who had no qualms about speaking up for herself (or more likely, she was always like that, and I hadn't noticed). Neville, on the other hand, was…well, to be honest, he was a big pushover. I often wondered how he managed to stand without a spine. But when they started dating, Ginny didn't dominate or bully him like I feared; instead, she encouraged him to stand up for himself. That, combined with his successes during D.A. class, really transformed him. And since he's totally devoted to Ginny, I'm very glad for them.
Ron and Luna - now there's a couple I wouldn't have predicted. Though Luna's intentions were never exactly hidden (I doubt she understands the concept of subtle), I always thought that Ron didn't fancy her. Maybe it was the way he looked whenever she came by, or the way his eye would squint whenever he heard her voice, or maybe it was the fact that he always used to call her "crazy," "wacko," or "nutjob" - but then again, that could be Ron's way of flirting. Who knows or cares, because they've been together for a year now and still going strong.
Hermione, on the other hand, hadn't yet found a steady, though she was going with Terry Boot to Hogsmeade. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Now, despite what other people might say, I'm really not that clueless about my feelings. I just don't like talking about them, that's all. In all honesty, I've suspected for about a year and half that I might harbor the potential to possibly develop some feelings of an undetermined variety for my best friend. But the fact of the matter is, with the prophecy hanging over my head and the very real possibility that I won't survive, I don't want to think about my feelings - whatever they may be - for Hermione. Besides, I doubt she'd return any feelings that I might have; she's so brilliant that I doubt I'm good enough for her (though in all honesty, that might be my low self-esteem talking; thanks to the Dursleys', I don't think I'm good enough for a bag of pretzels either). For now, I'm more than content to be her best friend and bury any feelings I have. I mean might possibly have. And if she finds happiness with Terry Boot, then I'm happy for her as well. Or at least, that's what I'll say while researching an impotence spell to cast on the stinkin' Ravenclaw.
As I got closer to the Gryffindor Common Room, a wicked idea sprang to mind, prompting one of those rare smiles to my face. I had just perfected the disillusionment spell to the point where I was 99% transparent, and I figured a demonstration might be in order. Pausing before the portrait, I cast the spell on myself and snuck into the Common Room. I looked around quickly until I spotted them - Hermione, Ron, Luna, Ginny, and Neville - sitting on the couches by the fire. I approached them quietly when I heard something that made me pause. I wasn't sure what it was, so instead of scaring the bejeezus out of them, I crouched down and shamelessly eavesdropped.
"…oh, that was so funny!" Luna exclaimed, laughing loudly. Of course, Luna laughing loudly wasn't anything new, but the fact that the others were caught my attention.
"Yeah, and then when Anthony tried to help…" Ron said before they all broke down into laughter again.
"Now, now…it's not that funny. They were only trying to help," Hermione said after a moment, ever the voice of reason. Then she surprised me by saying, "on second thought, it was that funny," and they all laughed heartily.
At first, as I listened to them recount the events of the day, I thought the odd feeling I had was because I felt left out of whatever it was that was making everyone laugh so hard. But then I realized that that wasn't it. No, what was bothering me was that they were laughing.
Or, more accurately, it's not the fact that they were laughing so hard and having a good time, but the fact that they don't laugh that hard or have a good time when I'm around. And though I do have low self-esteem, I know it's not because I'm a bore or anything. It's because whenever I'm around, the topic of conversation either revolves around or invariably turns to Voldemort, and Voldemort isn't a subject that's light and fluffy.
But then other sounds of laughter reached my ears. I looked around the Common Room, and saw that almost everyone was laughing and having a good time, or, in other words, being normal.
And with a stab of guilt, I suddenly understood what I had done - I had stolen away their chance to lead normal lives. For me, being the Boy-Who-Lived, living with the Dursleys, and having the prophecy meant that I was doomed to never have a normal life. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, danger and suffering would always follow me. But not for Ron, Hermione, and the others. They had normal lives until they met me. Their days should be filled with studying for NEWTs and having fun, instead of worrying about impeding doom. I always resented - hated - the prophecy, the Dursleys, Voldemort, even Dumbledore, for taking away my chance to be normal, and here I had done the exact same thing to my best friends.
Hermione's voice broke me out of my thoughts. "…I just wish Harry could've been there," she said.
"Yeah, me too."
"Oh, but you know Harry," Ginny said. "He probably wouldn't have found it funny. I doubt he would have even noticed since he's always on the lookout for You-Know-Who."
"Yeah," Hermione said regretfully. "I just wish…"
"What, Hermione? What do you wish?"
"I just wish we could all have normal lives, you know?"
"You mean not have to worry about Voldemort killing us? Yeah, I know."
"You'd think that after everything Harry's been through, after everything we've all been through, that we deserve a chance to be normal by now."
And as I sat listening to them talk, I vowed to myself that I would do everything I could to give them that chance.
******
"Morning Harry, how did training go last night?" Ron asked me as he sat down to breakfast.
Hermione sat down next to me. "Is everything okay? We didn't see you at all." I scowled, making a point of looking irritated. "What's wrong?" Hermione asked.
I shook my head. "It's nothing big. Just Dumbledore being…Dumbledore again." Before they could ask more, I said, "let's wait until Neville and Ginny get here. Luna too."
Ron left to get Luna, while Hermione called Neville and Ginny over as soon as they arrived at the Great Hall. Once we were all assembled, heads bowed together, Hermione asked, "now Harry, what did Dumbledore do?"
"Nothing horrible, really. He just told me that from now on, we were not to hear about or participate in any of the Order's activities." Over their cries of surprise, I continued, "I would still have to train with him, maybe even more so, but we're not allowed to help in any way. In fact, this" - I held up the Daily Prophet derisively - "is now our only source of information."
"But…but…that's just ridiculous!"
"I know Hermione," I tried to say in a sympathetic voice.
"Did he say why?" Ginny asked.
I shrugged. "He said there were a lot of reasons, but mainly I think it's because he wants to keep us safe."
"Did he say what we're supposed to do now?"
I shook my head. "Just try to be normal, I guess."
Ron laughed. "I'm not sure I know how to do that anymore."
"And that's why I'm doing this," I said under my breath.
"What's that, Harry?"
"Nothing. So, does anyone have a Charms essay I can take a peek at?"
*******
The next couple months passed rather quickly. In some ways, nothing changed: I still had my training with Dumbledore, I still went out on raids, and I still studied for NEWTs. But in other ways, things were very different. I no longer talked about Voldemort with Ron and Hermione, and I had to make up some convincing lies about what I was doing when I went out to fight with the Order. I felt bad about lying to my friends, but at the same time, it was worth it, for I had never seen them happier.
Ron practically reveled in the "freedom" of not having to worry about Voldemort. It was like a part of him had been held back, subdued by the gloom, but with it gone, he was almost exuberant. He laughed and joked around like he was back in first year, and he and Luna seemed to take their affections to another level (I once considered talking about Voldemort just so I wouldn't have to see them making out again).
Hermione, on the other, reveled in a very different way. Unlike Ron, she threw herself into her schoolwork and her duties. As Head Girl, Hermione had many responsibilities, and she dedicated herself to them with relish. You would have thought that she would be stressed by it all, but she seemed to flourish instead. In fact, the little worry lines around her eyes disappeared, and when I saw that, I knew I had made the right decision.
And it wasn't like I had to shoulder everything by myself. I had Dumbledore, Professor Lupin, Tonks, and even Moody to share the burden with. It's a different kind of support, though, and I miss being able to talk to Hermione and Ron very much; sometimes I would practically burst with wanting to tell them something the Order had learned. And it was hard lying to them about where I was, what I was doing, or why I was feeling tired or depressed. But all it took was to see Ron or Hermione being happy to remind myself why I was doing this. That's what best friends do, right? They do everything they can for their friends, and giving Ron and Hermione a normal life, making up for what I had robbed of them earlier, was what a best friend does.
*******
Of course, no plan is ever foolproof, and my plans seem especially vulnerable. One night, I was out with Dumbledore and the Order. We had gotten a tip that Death Eaters would attack a small village of Muggles, and we lay in wait. One minute, everything was still and quiet as we waited, and the next minute, all hell broke out. Death Eaters indeed had come to attack, but in far greater numbers than we had expected. Instead of falling into our trap, we suddenly found ourselves in a vicious firefight.
I stuck close to Dumbledore throughout, firing hexes and jinxes at a rapid-fire pace as we moved. Even though there were far more Death Eaters than Order members, we are never outnumbered as long as Dumbledore is there. After ten minutes that seemed to last forever, we had turned the tide, and several Death Eaters were fleeing. Scanning Dumbledore's blind side, I saw that a Death Eater was about to send a curse towards Tonks, who had her back turned. Without think much, I ran and leapt in-between the curse and Tonks, the spell slamming into my side and throwing me to the ground. I blacked out almost immediately.
When I next awoke, I immediately recognized the sterile environment of the Hospital Wing. Automatically I reached for my glasses, only to have them thrust into my hands.
"Here."
"Thanks," I mumbled as I put them on and then gingerly touched my side. It ached a little, but I could tell that I was fine; say what you will about her, but Madam Pomfrey is an excellent healer.
I looked up at that point to see Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville, and Ginny looking back at me. And they did not look happy.
"So, are you all right?" Hermione asked, but in short, clipped tones rather then her usual concerned voice.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said.
After that, there was a long period of uncomfortable silence, until Ron nearly exploded, "Merlin, I can't believe you Harry! All this time you told us that we weren't to be involved, but you've been going out and fighting!?"
"What's the matter," Neville said angrily, "We're not good enough for you? Not good enough to fight with the Boy-Who-Lived?"
"Why did you have to lie Harry? You don't trust us anymore?" Ginny asked in a hurt voice.
I looked over at Hermione, who had been silent since she asked how I felt. When she noticed that I was looking at her, her eyes narrowed. "Don't you look at me, Harry Potter! I am so mad right now that I don't even know what to say!"
"I can explain-"
"Explain? Explain!? You expect us to believe anything you have to say?"
"It's not how it looks…"
"Then tell us Harry," Ron said, "exactly how is it then?"
"I did what I did for you guys-"
"Oh, in that case, we should thank, shouldn't we?"
"Yes, thank you ever so much, Harry Potter, for protecting us fragile souls from such horrible things."
"We are unworthy to be near you."
By this time, I was getting a little angry myself. I can understand the anger, but really, did I need the sarcasm? Plus, they're not even giving me a chance to explain.
"You know Harry," Neville said, "I thought we were friends. I mean really friends. And now I find out that you don't want me to fight with you, or that you think I'm not good enough."
"It's not just you, Neville," Ginny said. "It's all of us."
"That's not true," I protested.
"Then what is it?" Hermione challenged.
"I was…I was just trying to give you a normal life!"
"Oh! Is that it! Well thank you so very much, Santa Claus!"
"Who?"
"Forget it Ron. The point is, who even asked you?"
"Yeah, that's a pretty poor excuse Harry. Six years we've been fighting You-Know-Who, and all of a sudden you want to give us a normal life? How convenient."
"Listen…" I tried to say, but they kept talking over me, wouldn't let me say a word in defense. Finally, I had enough. "Quiet!" I roared, silencing them. I looked at each one in turn. "You want to know who asked me, Hermione? Well, the answer is that you did - all of you! I was there, I heard you talk after Hogsmeade. You all wanted a normal life, a life without having to worry about Voldemort, and I gave it to you! Don't even say that the past three months haven't been the best months you've had in years!" When none of them responded, I knew I had struck a point. "So excuse me for trying to do something for my friends!"
The smart thing to do would be to use this to my advantage, apologize for lying, and work together to find a happy medium. But I've been known to not do the smart thing, and I lived up to my reputation. Still supremely irritated, I kicked off the covers and stormed out of the hospital wing, leaving them in my wake.
*******
The best thing about the Room of Requirements is that it adapts to meet your requirements…hence the clever name, I'm guessing. After walking out of the Hospital Room, I found myself in a righteous anger - and in my pajamas. Since I didn't want to go to Gryffindor Tower where they could find me, I instead went to the Room of Requirements, where the Room courteously provided me with a set of robes. It also transformed into a private sanctuary of sorts, where only I could be. No one would be able to enter the Room until I left, giving me peace and the absolute privacy that I craved while I -
"Harry?"
Drat! I guess it figures. "Hermione? What are you doing here? How'd you get in?"
She gave me a small smile. "I used the door."
"Oh." I was beginning to think that the Room should be called the Room of Partially Fulfilled Requirements.
Hermione looked behind her at the door. "That's odd…Ron and the others were right behind me." I shrugged. Maybe the Room of Selectively Fulfilled Requirements would be more appropriate?
We stared at each other for a long, silent moment. Finally, she broke the silence. "We're sorry, Harry. I'm sorry. It was wrong for us to have jumped on you like that. We should have given you a chance to speak before yelling at you."
"I'm sorry too, I should have been more honest with you," I said, though I wasn't sure whether I meant it or not. I mean, I am sorry that I had to lie to them, but I'd also do it again in a heartbeat.
After another silence, Hermione spoke again. "I know you meant well, Harry, but you wrong. You can't keep us from this."
"But you deserve the chance to lead normal lives. You said so yourself."
"I said we all, you included, deserve to lead a normal life. And I will wait for my chance when you also have that opportunity."
I shook my head. "That doesn't make any sense. I can't have a normal life; remember that little thing about the prophecy? I don't have a choice. But you do."
"Yes, I do," she said. "And I choose not to have a normal life."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I have a choice here too. And my choice is that you do have a normal life."
"What?! You can't tell me what kind of life I can and can not lead! If I choose to help you, you can't stop me!"
"And if I choose not to tell you things, you can't stop me either. You can't make me involve you!"
"I'm already involved!" she shrieked. "I've been involved since you stopped that troll from smashing my brains in!"
"And now's your chance to be uninvolved!"
"I don't want to be uninvolved!"
By this point, we were practically shouting at each other. I was completely flabbergasted; I just couldn't understand why she would refuse something that I've dreamed of my whole life. "Why Hermione, why!? Just tell me why you need to be involved?! Why would you give up a normal life and risk everything just to help me?!"
"Because I love you, you stupid prat!"
*******
A/N: Well, I hope you liked my second version of Harry pushing his friends away. Wow, HPB coming out in only a matter of - what? What's that? You think that I've ended the story at a horrible place? You want more? Fine, but don't ever say that I never did anything for you.
*******
The silence that followed her outburst was absolutely deafening. "Huh?"
She looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Erm…well…what I meant was that I love you like a friend, and that…you see…oh, sod it!"
That broke me out of my trance; I could count on one hand the number of times I've heard Hermione swear. "Huh?"
She took a deep breath and looked at me. "Yes, fine," she said quickly. "I love you, Harry Potter. This is not how I wanted to tell you, not that I was ever planning on it, but since it's out now…I love you Harry. That's why I want - need - to help you. Because I can't lead a normal life until you can. Because if something happens to you, I won't be able to live with myself knowing that I wasn't there. Because nothing else matters unless you're happy and safe. That's why, Harry. That's why I will help you, no matter what you do."
I really was at a loss of what to do or say. Although I knew I was attracted to Hermione, I never took the time to consider if my feelings ran deeper, and I'm honest enough with myself to admit that the reason why I never considered it was because I never imagined that she could love me.
But now seemed like a good time to do so. Hermione loved me? How is that possible? No one loves me! How would I even know what love is? Who's supposed to be my role model - the Dursleys?
"I'll...um…I'll just go now," Hermione said softly, heading to the door.
But I grabbed her wrist before she could put her hand on the knob. "Hermione, wait."
She didn't move, but she didn't look at me either. Having no idea what to say, I decided to be honest; she deserved that much. I nervously cleared my throat. "I've…um…" - being honest was harder than I thought it would be - "…Hermione, ever since fifth, since the Department of Mysteries, I've…well…I've had feelings for you."
Hermione looked up at me, a hopeful expression on her face. "But I don't know for sure," I said quickly. "I mean, how can you…"
"How can I what?" she asked.
"I'm just Harry, plain old Harry with a reputation I don't deserve, forced by a stupid prophecy to play a role. You're Hermione, the most brilliant, beautiful witch ever. You can't possibly…"
"Harry," she said, placing a hand on my cheek, "you're so much more that just `plain old Harry.' And believe me, I do love you."
"But…but I don't deserve someone like you!"
She gave me a hug and, to my surprise, laughed softly. "Oh Harry, you don't believe you deserve a box of pretzels, much less `someone like me.'"
Before I could observe that her remark sounded vaguely familiar, she kissed me.
Hermione actually kissed me.
And I, for one, kissed her right back. Rather proud of that, I am.
After an hour (but was more likely only a few seconds), I opened my eyes and looked at her. "Hermione," I breathed in awe.
She smiled at me. "Did you like that?"
I nodded.
"Good. Because if you want more, you are going to let me help!"
I winced; trust Hermione to find a reason that I couldn't argue with. "All right, fine," I said. "But you do realize that it'll take more that one kiss to convince me. In fact, I might need at least one per day."
She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a coy smile. "Oh, I think that can be arranged."
*******
A/N: Okay, now I'm done for real. I apologize for not updating any of my other stories; unfortunately, they may never be completed depending on what happens in HBP. Not that I'll stop writing, but after reading HBP I might be filled with ideas that are more canonesque.
See you after HPB, and don't lose faith that H/Hr will happen!
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