[Author's Note: Let me forewarn you - I have a very strange sense of humor. And, for what it's worth, upon reading this, don't assume I'm bashing Mrs. Rowling or any of her characters; really, my intention is to just have a bit of fun, even moreso if I can use a few of the complaints I've seen fluttering about the forums. And this is easily the worst thing I've written in a number of weeks, but, ah, I'm sure you don't want to know that…]
A Word with Paul Jones
by: Azure
Harry had done this, once or twice before, leaning against the rails, standing alone on his ship, staring out across the sea and taking great comfort in the rolling blue. Here, he thought, was perfection - something simple, something grand, something almost magical in the way the moon cast a white shadow over the waters. Hmm. White shadow. Yes, Harry liked that. He decided, entirely randomly, that he should write poetry.
"Ron," he said, as his first mate moved to join him along the rails. "I've decided I should write poetry."
Ron blinked. "Lord, Cap'n, if you're that desperate for companionship, I can help you. I never bought into that whole 'women dig the sensitive guys' nonsense." He paused to wipe the imprint of lipstick from his cheek. "Shiver me timbers," he said, as an afterthought.
"Right," Harry said, nodding. "Very pirate-ish. Good job." He chose to ignore how very odd that sounded. "Are the others sleeping?" he asked, drawing his cape closer around his shoulders. He wasn't entirely certain as to why he had a cape; it was sexy, yes, and that was a good reason in itself, though Harry supposed his most recent purchase had something to do with his companions - everyone else had changed, he reasoned, so why couldn't he have a cape?
"Suppose so," Ron said, plainly, looking thoughtful for all of a moment. "Feels like I haven't seen Luna and Neville in years."
Harry gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Understandable. You've been quite busy having an inexplicable romance with Lavender." He chose to ignore the twinge that told him quite simply that something was terribly off with the whole scenario.
Ron blinked. Again. "I thought I liked Hermione." He looked to be mindless of the terribly gaudy 'My Sweetheart' necklace hanging jauntily across his chest. "Yarr," he added, with suitable pirate inflection.
"So did I. And her. And everyone at port. Oh, and - " Harry paused, shaking his head. "Never mind that. Where is Hermione, anyways?"
The sound of footsteps reached his ears as a flash of crimson swung into view. "Yes, Harry?"
Harry sighed. "No, Ginny. Hermione. I don't know why you always mix that up." Then again, he hadn't really seen Hermione since the ship had left port, something he thought rather strange. Normally, she would be up on deck with the rest, bossing everyone around and yet being entirely logical with her orders; now, however, she seemed to lurk in the darkest corners of the ship, doing strange and terrible things - well, actually, she had taken to flirting with Ron, which Harry thought to be pretty curious in itself.
Ginny gave a sort of pout. "You don't want to see me? We're getting married!"
Ron gave a start. "What? Marriage? The hell - " he fell short with a look from his sister, deciding his timbers had been suitably shivered. "What I meant to say," he began, looking quite calm, "was that it seemed rather sudden."
Harry, for his part, was also relatively surprised, having had no say in the decision in the least. "Just a moment, Ginny, m'dear. When was this decided?"
"Three months ago, love - don't you remember that very long talk we had? When we spilled our secrets to each other and came to a complete understanding?" Typical to her last name, Ginny seemed to be rapidly losing her temper. "Did that mean nothing to you?"
Harry said nothing, at first, giving it great thought, finding at last that he had no damned clue of what she was talking about. "Ginny, Ginny - I don't have a damned clue as to what you're talking about. You know we don't talk or do any of those things required in a relationship. All we do is snog!"
Ron, wisely, turned tail and ran, leaving Harry to watch him go with some trepidation. "I'd really hoped he would stay. I feel like I barely know him anymore."
"It doesn't matter," Ginny said, brushing his concern aside. "He's just a minor character. What is important, however, is us - don't you want something more than physical contact?"
"Not really," Harry said, with manifest honesty. "I've a pretty girlfriend and a cape. What else would I need?" This was, apparently, the wrong answer. Harry came to this conclusion when Ginny turned a violent shade of red.
"Harold James Potter! How can you say that?"
"Well, we don't talk," Harry said, quite reasonably. "If we did, you would have known that I already have someone I go to when I need emotional support." He took the moment to adjust his cape. "And it's Harry. Not Harold."
"Oh," Ginny said, blinking. "Right. Sorry." She took a moment to locate her temper. "And let me guess - you go to Hermione!"
Harry gave her a radiant smile. "Of course. I've known her for six years." A small frown touched against his lips. "Well, I don't like to include that last year."
Ginny looked torn between anger and hurt. She opened her mouth, temporarily, perhaps to say something extremely funny (for, as Harry knew, she was simply hilarious), but instead turned and darted away from the rails, In the ensuing silence, Harry simply shrugged and turned back to the rails, knowing Ron would take the time to sneak out shortly.
"Blimey, mate," said Ron, perfectly on cue, coming once again to stand near the railings. "Temper on that one." He gave a small shiver before turning to more important matters. "So when are you two getting married?"
"I don't think we are, to be honest."
"Oh." Ron looked only temporarily disheartened. "I hope Ginny will be okay. Remember what happened to Tonks? Sheer insanity."
"Right," Harry said, paying attention in time only to hear Ron add an appropriate pirate term. "Why are you doing that, anyways?"
"I'm not sure. To be honest, Cap'n, it makes me feel out of character."
Harry gave a grave nod. "Keep to it, then. 'Tis canon, after all." He gave a great sigh. "Where is Hermione?"
Ron shrugged. "Dunno."
Harry let his gaze fall out across the waters. "I miss her."