The Adventures of Suave!Harry! and his Cliche Crew
So, yes. This is a story to try and cheer all my darling Harmonian pals up. I find it makes life easier (and rather more amusing) to make fun of something you don't understand or dislike. So that's what I'm doing! In no way, am I trying to character/ship bash. I dearly love the characters... well.. most of them... present in this story, I just don't love the new Alternate Universe warped cliched versions of the Harry Potter characters that have emerged in this new book. So, instead I choose to poke fun at this and have some laughs. I hope you will all share them with me. I cannot wait to make this the most cliche story of all time, using the characters JKR made herself *sighs*... well... exaggerated to an extent. Enjoy!
A/N: To add, this takes place during the sixth year, somewhere towards the end of the book. Harry and Ginny are madly in "lurve" or.. as I like to call it... the "scary monster in Harry's stomach of Lust!" and Hermione and Ron are fighting... as per usual. You know the drill.
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Chapter One: The Great Angst of Harry Potter
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It was a typical day at Hogwarts. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and cliches were running rampant. Suave!Harry! awoke feeling very pleased with himself, but that could be the fact, he assumed, that he was deeply in lust... er.. rather.. love with the most beautiful witch this side of Hogsmeade. Or at least that's how he liked to phrase it. He could not believe it had taken him so long to recognize the beauty and allure that was Ginny Weasley. Speaking of which, what does Ginny stand for anyways? He pondered to himself. He had never bothered to find out before. "Never mind that!" Suave!Harry! exclaimed dramatically loud, causing the other boys in his dormitory to wake up with a start, and groaning at Suave!Harry!'s behaviour drop back to sleep again. There would be plenty of time for Suave!Harry! to get to know every little thing about his beautiful angelface soon enough. After all, even though they'd been dating for barely a couple of days, he did love her dearly and deeply and sickeningly. Maybe. Probably.....?
Oh well. Life was too short to keep from doing everything you wanted to do, even when you had doubts.
He got dressed excitedly, ready to greet the day, and meet his snookiebear. He hummed loudly to himself the tune "Love is in the air" as he lifted up a piece of clothing and jammed up his leg. He chuckled as he dodged a pillow thrown in his general direction, from Seamus, and also ignored the exclamation of, "SHUT THE HELL UP!"... they wouldn't undersand. They had never been in love before. Just then Suave!Harry! realized that he was accidentily trying to stick his feet into a shirt, and now he happened to be wearing it, almost like a skirt. Suave!Harry! laughed heartily at his own mistake. Love must be blinding him. Or.... well.. it could be because his glasses were not on, imparing his vision. But he preffered the first version, because it was more romantic. Speaking of romance, he had a date tonight to snog on the common room couches with Super!Ginny! tonight. Oh, he thought happily to himself as he finally began putting on the right outfit, she is so lovely and wonderful. Like a warm breeze on a summer's day... like a sunset on a beach.. like a moonlight ride on his broomstick with the wind brushing through his hair.
"Hey." he said, mid-changing, with one arm through the sleeve of a shirt. "That has a nice ring to it."
Immediately he ceased, and instead removed a mini-notebook from his pants pocket.
"Ginny my love, you are so fine. You make me happy, I am glad you're mine." he read, and then paused to think. "You remind me of a summer's day....." he quickly began writing again, and then stopped. "And also a moonlight ride on my broomstick." he quickly added, then wrote it down. He looked it over again, and grunted out loud. It didn't rhyme! Poems obviously must rhyme! He exclaimed a string of swear words and promptly began to leap around the room in frustration, almost crushing Crookshanks who had sneaked in during the night. "NO NO NO!" he yelled, his face getting red with frustration. He paused to cross out the last line, and then began to crash around the room again. "IT HAS TO RHYME! IT HAS TO BE PERFECT FOR SNOOKIEBEAR!!!!"
Finally he paused to catch his breath, after the tantrum, and looked around the room eagerly to see if anyone had been awoken by the loud crashing. Everyone was still sleeping soundly. Damn it, Suave!Harry! thought to himself, I really need some help.
Sighing resignedly, he stuck his notebook in his pants pocket and tugged on his shirt.
When he finished getting dressed, he left the common room in a gloomy state of mind. Perhaps he had imagined it, but as he left he heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Neville mutter, "Oh give it a rest. I don't think I can take much more of this."
***
CrazyJealous!Hermione! stalked into the dining hall at breakfast, feeling ANGRY as usual. What was she so angry about? WELL! Well.......? She wasn't really sure anymore. All she knew is that she had perfect right to be angry, and she was angry, so that was the way she was acting....Makes perfect sense, of course.
Throwing a disgusted look at LadiesMan!Ron! who was making out with Lavender, she sat down besides Suave!Harry! who was busily writing and scratching out things in a little notepad.
"Hello Harry." she sighed moodily.
"Shhhhhhhh." he hushed. "I'm trying to write a poem for my one true love." CrazyJealous!Hermione! looked hopeful. "Ginny." he said quickly, throwing CrazyJealous!Hermione! a look that was both exasperated and slighty disgusted (much like the one Hermione had thrown at LadiesMan!Ron!) at the idea that it could be anyone but Super!Ginny!
CrazyJealous!Hermione! sighed. Why did she have to be in such an abusive almost-relationship with Ron? Why couldn't she and Harry settle down nicely, and be happy.
"It wouldn't be as dramatic and angst-filled." whispered a misty voice besides Hermione's ear. She jumped and looked over to see All-Knowing!Luna!, smiling serenly at her.
"Why are you sitting at the Gryffindor table?" CrazyJealous!Hermione! wondered while arching an eyebrow.
"Because this way I can make commentary on all the interesting developments in everyone's love life. You know, you three are the main characters in the story... I mean... life..? Everything seems to center around you. I like to comment on the action."
"How did you know what I was thinking?" CrazyJealous!Hermione! asked suspiciously.
"Because I'm all-knowing of course. It just makes everything better. Besides, there has to be one wise sage person in every story that dishes out advice and helps characters to find their way. It's in the Cliche book of Cliches. I just so happen to be that Cliche in this story!" she finished happily.
Suave!Harry! by this time was growling like a beast (perhaps like the animal inside of him?) in frustration.
"I give up!" he announced loudly and dramatically. Everyone in close proximity stopped and looked at him. Except for Lavender and LadiesMan!Ron! who were still entangled and snogging rather loudly. Suave!Harry! cleared his throat. "I said, 'I give up'."
Finally LadiesMan!Ron! got the hint and ceased kissing Lavender, watching Harry with fascination along with everyone else.
"Why is that Harry?" All-Knowing!Luna! asked, prodding him along, almost certainly automatically.
"Because!" he exclaimed, placing his head in his hands to great dramatic effect. "It will never work."
"What will never work Harry?" asked Hermione soothingly, as she began to stroke his back. Everyone stared at her.
"You're not supposed to do that anymore, Hermione." Harry whispered gruffly, clearly exasperated, although his head was still in his hands.
"I mean..." Hermione let go of Harry immediately. "I don't care about your well-being. I only care about myself and my jealousy about Ron. I'll...... I'll just be quiet now." she finished off weakly.
"Before I was so rudely interrupted," Harry said, as he removed his head from his hands, glaring at Hermione. She grinned at him fondly, as if his tantrum was sweet. "I cannot come up with a rhyme to end this poem for Ron's little sist... I mean.. my darling snookums."
"What do you have so far?" All-Knowing!Luna! asked expectantly.
Suave!Harry! cleared his throat, and removed the notebook from his pocket. He cleared his throat again.
"Ginny, my love, you are so fine. You make me happy, I am glad you're mine."
He paused to allow for everyone to applaud. When they didn't he looked around fiercely.
"Oh!" exclaimed Hermione, and began clapping loudly, and everyone joined her enthusiastically.
Harry, finally satisfied, continued. "You remind me of a summer's day. You are perfect in every way."
A pause, and then more applause.
"How I want to take you away on my broom....." he stopped suddenly. "And now I can't think of what to write."
"Well.." started CrazyJealous!Hermione!
"Anyone have any suggestions?"
"You could..." CrazyJealous!Hermione! tried to say, but she was cut off.
"Anybody? Anybody at all?"
"You could write, 'Your love would lift me to the moon.'" she tried to suggest to deaf ears.
"Someone? Ron... mate.. you are er.. romantic.. I guess you'd say.. with Lavender. You must have an idea."
"Um... 'When I'm with you, I want to swoon'?" he suggested, hopefully.
"Brilliant!" exclaimed Suave!Harry!, and everyone else applauded.
"I don't really think thats what Harry's looking for--" CrazyJealous!Hermione! tried to say crossly.
"Oh Ron," said a random girl sitting a few spots away, "You are so smooth and romantic."
"Ron's such a ladies man." said a girl turning around from the Hufflepuff table.
LadiesMan!Ron! grinned happily, but Lavender looked furious.
"Back off witches.. or should I say... bitches. He's mine." she snarled, as LadiesMan!Ron! continued to look pleased.
"Hmph." CrazyJealous!Hermione! said angrily. "Doesn't anyone care about my opinion?"
"Not really." smirked Lavender.
"WELL!" raged CrazyJealous!Hermione! "I'LL TELL YOU ANYWAY! MY POETRY IDEA WAS MUCH BETTER THEN RON'S! I'M MORE TALENTED THEN HE IS, I'M BETTER MAGICALLY... AND THE BETTER POET! This is just like the potions incident with Harry! I'm more talented at potions then he is, and yet because of CHEATING," CrazyJealous!Hermione spat angrily, "HE WON ANYWAY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF ALL OF THIS! EVERYONE KNOWS I'M THE BEST AT EVERYTHING, YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT! I'M LEAVING IN A HUFF!... NOW!" CrazyJealous!Hermione! left the dining room in a huff.
Everyone sat in silence for a moment, but not for long. LadiesMan!Ron! went back to snogging Lavender, and Suave!Harry! smiled happily, writing Ron's suggestion down.
"Thanks a lot for the help mate!" Suave!Harry! exclaimed.
LadiesMan!Ron! said nothing, but detached his hand from Lavender's neck to give Suave!Harry! a thumbs up sign, as he continued to make out.
"You know, Luna." Suave!Harry! said, smiling at her. "It's strange how things change. I remember just two years ago when Ron and I could barely get dates for the Yule Ball because we were so awkward around girls. Last year it didn't change much either... I still acted like a clueless idiot around Cho.. but now... look at us!" he exclaimed. "We're great with girls! Ron's a Ladies Man, and I am Super Suave! I don't know where this character development came from, or how, but I certainly am happy for it!" he grinned.
***
To be continued....
Any suggestions of funny events I can cover in the next chapter? Should there even be a next chapter? Did you like it? Let me know, please and thanks.
Amanda
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