I have to give all the credit in the world to the characters of JK Rowling, and the entire basic structure and idea of this I give credit to Python(Monty) Productions. They are genuises, that they are.
If you have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you may understand this a bit more and it may be a bit more humorous, but if not that's okay too!
Oh yeah, there may be a few HBP spoilers too, so be forewarned. There shouldn't be too much though...
And don't worry, I will comply with site rules *bows* There will be some sort of shipping.
Enjoy!
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1. EXTERIOR OF CASTLE.
Fog. Several seconds of it swirling about, like a cauldron. Silence. Possibly atmospheric music. Superimpose "Magic Kingdom, AD, 1999." After a few more seconds, we hear whooshing noise in the distance. Then out of the fog, comes HARRY POTTER, followed by his humble servant. HARRY raises his hand.
HARRY POTTER: Halt!
Servant drops cape attached to Harry that was being held to give the illusion of flying. Servant then turns off fan.
SOLDIER 1: Halt! Who goes there?
HARRY: It is I, Harry Potter, son of James and Lily, the Chosen One, defeater of the Death Eaters, the Boy Who Lived!
SOLDIER 1: No way!
HARRY: I am, and this is my trusted servant, Colin. We have flown the length and breadth of this land, in search of wizards who will join us at Hogwarts. I must speak with your Lord and Master.
SOLDIER 1: What, flown on a broom?
HARRY: Yes
SOLDIER 1: You're using a fan! And he's holding your cape and billowing it around!
HARRY: (scornfully) So? We have flown since the winters have covered this land. From the Magic Kingdom-
SOLDIER 1: Where'd you get the fan?
HARRY: Through - …we found it.
SOLDIER 1: Found it? In the Magic Kingdom? It's from China!
HARRY: What do you mean?
SOLDIER 1: The Magic Kingdom has importation laws!
HARRY: The tourist may seek hot lands in the winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
SOLDIER 1: … Are you suggesting fans migrate?
HARRY: Not at all. There could have been a transfer error.
SOLDIER 1: What? The European airlines making errors?
SOLDIER 2: No no, it could have been Northwest Airlines.
SOLDIER 1: But they're non-international!
HARRY: That doesn't matter! Look, will you just go tell your master that Harry Potter, the Chosen One is here?
HARRY goes un-noticed.
SOLDIER 2: Oh, oh yeah. But you could transfer in Philadelphia…
SOLDIER 1: No no, it'd have to be New York, Philly's cursed!
HARRY: I don't care where they'd transfer-
SOLDIER 2: Now wait; it depends on where they are flying out of. Wouldn't it make more sense to transfer in Chicago?
HARRY: Will you please go ask your master if he would wish to join me at Hogwarts?
SOLDIER 1: No no, I still think New York would be the best.
HARRY: Bloody hell!
SOLDIER 2: I suppose if you transfer in New York, someone stowing a fan in their backpack could stow away in a cargo ship too.
HARRY: I give up! Come, Colin.
Colin picks up the end of HARRY's cape and switches the fan back on. HARRY "mounts" his broom and they whoosh away.
SOLDIER 1: Suppose he got it off the black market?
2. ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION
CUT TO Harry Potter Puppet Pals, the Bother! clip. Sounds of strange medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wailings and groaning. The last picture mixes through into live action.
BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is pulled by a couple of ragged, dirty emaciated house elves. Behind the cart walks FUDGE who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood and looks sinister.
FUDGE: Bring out your dead!
LUCIUS MALFOY:(Walks up with body over his shoulder) Here's one!
FUDGE: 5 knuts.
VOLDEMORT: I'm not dead you incompetent twit.
FUDGE: What?
LUCIUS: Nothing... bit of a chest cold...There's your 5 knuts.
VOLDEMORT: I'm not dead, merely temporarily disabled.
FUDGE: 'Ere. He says he's not dead.
LUCIUS: Yes he is.
VOLDEMORT: I'm not!
FUDGE: He isn't.
LUCIUS: He will be soon. He's very ill.
VOLDEMORT: I'm getting better! You know darn well that with Nagini's milk I'm improving.
LUCIUS: You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.
FUDGE: Wait a minute, that's You-Know-Who?
LUCIUS: Yes it is.
FUDGE: But, he's an old man.
LUCIUS: I know, he's just possessing the old bat for awhile, you know, the usual.
FUDGE: I can't take him like this. It's against ministry regulations.
LUCIUS: Since when have you listened to the ministry?
VOLDEMORT: I don't want to go on the cart. I want my immortality.
LUCIUS: Don't be such a baby.
VOLDEMORT: Not to mention I'm deathly afraid of death and dead bodies and those little crabs that bite your toes in the water unexpectedly. (Shudders)(Pulls out rubber ducky and squeaks it)
FUDGE: I can't take him.
VOLDEMORT: I feel fine. Better than I have in fifteen years.
LUCIUS: Do me a favor.
FUDGE: I can't.
LUCIUS: What is it with you and "I can't"? Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long. I mean look at him.
FUDGE: I promised I'd be at the Black's. They've lost fifteen today.
LUCIUS: When's your next round?
FUDGE: Friday.
VOLDEMORT: I think I'll go for a walk, and kill some people.
LUCIUS: You're not fooling anyone you know.
(to FUDGE)
Isn't there anything you could do?
VOLDEMORT: (singing unrecognizably) I feel pretty… oh so pretty….(Squeaks rubber duck)
FUDGE looks at the LUCIUS for a moment. Then they both do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The FUDGE very swiftly brings up a club and hits the VOLDEMORT. (Out of shot but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise. A small squeak is heard as the rubber duck hits the ground)
LUCIUS: (handing over the money at last) Thanks very much. And don't worry; he'll be back soon enough. He has all those horcruxes, don'tchya know.
FUDGE: That's all right. See you on Friday.
They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching forelocks, etc. HARRY POTTER and COLIN fly into SHOT, slightly nose to the air, they fly through without acknowledging anybody.
LUCIUS: Who's that, do you think?
FUDGE: (Grudgingly) I dunno, Must be the hero.
LUCIUS: How do you know?
FUDGE: He hasn't got irregularly shaped body parts.
LUCIUS: But what about the sca-
HARRY POTTER and COLIN fly right past the two, COLIN making HARRY's cape whoosh extravagantly and the fan on full power, making HARRY's hair blow about.
FUDGE: Shh, his cape is whooshing.
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