Gunning Down Romance
I can not believe this happened.
Wait a minute, yes I can. I knew from the start her whole heart wasn't in it, and it never could be. How could I have been so stupid to think otherwise? I don't know, I guess that's what happiness when you're in love.
-- Wait, did I say love? No. Infatuation, that's a much better term. Infatuation. I became too caught up for my own good. I was just a teenage boy with a silly crush.
-- Crush, did I say crush? That sounds like such a harsh word; it almost makes me sound like a giggly pre-teen girl, but yeah, a crush …
… Oh who am I kidding? I was one hundred percent head-over-heels in love with her. Hell, I still am. But there's not much I can do, right? I mean, part of this was my fault, … hah, part. Right. More like ALL my fault. Let me think for a moment … yep, still the same. Completely my fault.
I keep thinking to myself, `if only I wouldn't have brought up that night.' Why was I so stupid? And how could I have possibly thought that after that big of a fight, she would hold me in her arms? A part of me believed she would. I guess that's also the part of me that thought it could have even worked out, the part that believed she could ever truly love me. How could I honestly have been so stupid?
I was fighting back tears as I got out of bed. I had to do something; I couldn't be left alone with my thoughts for much longer. I slipped on a jacket and shoes. I left my small flat without a sound. The cool night air that met my face was welcomed. The air had a dampness to it as the rain had just ended. From the looks of it, however, the clouds could burst at any moment, showering the already soaked world around me. I really didn't care though. I began walking, despite the fact that I had no destination. I just needed to walk - to feel the fresh air in my lungs, to feel the muscles in my legs stretch, to see something other than my wall in my living room.
The streets were dark and empty. They matched my mood, to say the least. I still felt like such a fool. My world was crashing down around me. I just wanted to scream. I had to stop thinking about her, but it was so damn hard. Whenever I thought about her, it felt like my heart was being ripped out. Why did I have to bring him in to the fight? Why?
Stupid.
But, I suppose it's better to face the truth now. She didn't love me, we both knew it. I just wish it weren't true. I couldn't have avoided it for much longer. It was becoming more apparent each passing day. Neither of us was happy. Her kisses were short and passionless, her words passive and harsh. Our childhood rows had escalated to full blown wars. I had started getting violent, and I hated myself for it. I always said I wasn't going to be that guy, that guy who abuses his girlfriend. I shook my head in shame. Tears were stinging my eyes. I was longing for that burning liquid in my throat. I longed for my nerves to be calmed, for my mind to be numbed.
"How could this happen to me," I whispered. By now I had reached the end of the road, and could either go left or right.
I chose right.
Stupid idea, I know. Stupid because it took me right past her flat. I just wanted to see her - her smile, the way her hair falls in her face, the way she used to look me in the eye.
I stopped dead in my tracks. I could see a glimpse of her flat from here.
"What the hell am I doing?" I thought aloud. I shook my head and turned down the alleyway. Why would I have wanted to go there? What if they would have been together? A tear slipped down my cheek. I wiped it away in haste. Bitterness got the best of me and I balled my fists.
"I'm gunning down romance; it never did a thing for me," I spoke angrily, "but heartache and misery." My heart was ripping in two. "Ain't nothing but a tragedy." I clamped my eyes closed as another tear made its way down my cheek. I sank to my knees in the middle of the dark alley. I hung my head and braced myself with my palms on the pavement. A tear slipped and joined the puddle I was kneeling in.
"Love, don't leave me," I whispered. Another tear fell and sent ripples through the puddle. I clenched my jaw and then punched the puddle with my fist.
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