Chapter 3- Maybe, I'm Amazed
Harry stood in front of his mirror staring at his reflection as he fidgeted with his hair, trying to flatten it. Desperately he was trying to stay calm and think clearly about the situation. He knew there was no backing out of it now.
"Come on Harry, tough it up. You can do this. You HAVE to do this," Harry told his reflection, his face only stared back skeptically. "It is only fair that Hermione know." He looked at his reflection as if he thought it would answer back, yet he felt he needed to explain himself to it as if the reflection of himself did not believe what he was saying. "I can not hide something like this from her." Still no answer.
"Harry are you coming?" Hermione called from the other side of Harry's door.
"Yeah, just a moment." Harry answered quickly. He turned back at himself and weakly smiled at himself. He wore a pair of khaki pants and a plain black t-shirt. It took him forever to think of something to wear. It may sound weird, but he actually felt subconscious about what he was wearing and what Hermione would think of it.
Finally realized what he was thinking he laughed at himself. "I am becoming a girl!" Harry jokingly told himself, but maybe he said it a little too loudly.
"What did you say?" Hermione had obviously not walked far from the door.
Harry stepped out of his room and faced Hermione who was looking at Harry in wonder and confusion. "
I didn't say anything." Harry shrugged.
Hermione looked at him unbelieving. "I must be going crazy then because I swore I heard you say that you were turning into a girl."
Harry laughed as if that was such a ludicrous idea. "Why would I say something like that?"
Hermione shook her head. "I don't know. Nobody ever knows with you. Maybe you had decided to have some life altering surgery and you were admiring the results."
"Ewww. No, that is not why I said that." Harry slipped.
"Oh, so you did say you were changing into a girl." Hermione stood with her hand on her hip looking expectantly at Harry for an explanation.
"Let's just let it drop it. It is not important." Harry tried to act casual.
"I don't think so."
"Come on, please can we forget it? Let's go, I mean unless you want to stay in all night." Harry held her gaze with his big green eyes, begging for her to drop the subject.
"Fine, but that is not going to stop my mind from making up its own theory," Hermione told him jokingly, half hoping that he would tell her.
"Fine, I am telling you, it was something stupid and nothing you come up with will come close to the truth." He took her arm and they strode out of the apartment to head towards the bar for the usual karaoke night. However, tonight was going to be different.
***********
"Come on Harry, you have not been up there all night," Hermione whined to Harry. "You need to go up there."
"I don't know." Harry shrugged his shoulders. He was trying to calm his nerves and work up the courage to go up there. Hundreds of times he had been up there singing songs in front of Hermione and Ron and it had never been a big deal. He had a decent voice that was nothing to be ashamed of. Yet singing these very meaningful words were nerve wrecking to him.
"Harry, you have a great voice and you have been pushing me up there many times. It is your time to go up there."
"Hermione…" Harry sighed, wanting to tell her how incredibly difficult it was for him to get up the nerve to go up there
Hermione pushed Harry out of his chair. "I will not take no for an answer."
Harry had no choice, but to walk up the little stage. He felt nauseous and sweaty all over. He couldn't believe what he was doing, but he knew there was no turning back now. Earlier he had chosen his song and now it was time to perform it. Grabbing the mike, he stood in front of the small crowd trying to get himself to speak. "I would like to dedicate this song Hermione Granger. I think the song speaks for itself." Without further ado he started the song and sung it with all the love in the world. A song with so much emotion put into was never heard before.
Maybe I'm Amazed
at the way you love me all the time.
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm Amazed at the way
you pull me out of time
You hung me on the line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way
I really need you
Maybe I'm a man
Maybe I'm a lonely man
who's in the middle of something
that he doesn't really understand.
Maybe I'm a man
Maybe you're the only woman
who could ever help me.
Baby, won't you help me to understand
Maybe I'm a lonely man
whose in the middle of something
that he doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a man,
maybe you're the only woman who could
ever help me
Maybe, won't you help me to understand?
Maybe I'm amazed at the
way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the
way you help me sing my song,
right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the
way I really need you
During the song Hermione felt her insides start to feel funny as the words that Harry was singing really started sinking in. He was saying `I love you'. Hermione did not know whether or not he truly meant those powerful words, but one look at Harry told him that he was totally serious about what he was singing. He meant every word that was being sung. His eyes did not stray from her own during the song until the very end. The piercing green eyes stared into her own cinnamon eyes saying more than the song. He was letting his soul show through his eyes. During the last two lines he closed his eyes as one lone tear escaped and fell slowly down his cheek.
Hermione could no longer breathe. The room seemed entirely too small. She could feel the walls closing in on her and she knew that she needed to get out of there. She stood up, but her feet were glued to the floor. She wanted to run in a million directions at once., but she found she was incapable of doing such a thing. After a brief pause she bolted out of the door and to the apartment.
Harry felt nauseous as he was singing the song. He couldn't keep his eyes from looking into Hermione's own eyes. At the end of the song, he realized that this could be the end of his friendship with her. A lump lodged itself into his throat and he felt the overwhelming urge to cry. He closed his eyes and hoped no tears would fall, but then he felt a cool tear make a trail as it fell away from his closed eyes.
After a brief pause of no singing, he opened his eyes in time to see Hermione run out of the room. "HERMIONE!" Harry yelled desperately. "WAIT!" He chased after her outside of the bar as he stood on the sidewalk. He did not know which way she had gone as she stared down both sides of the street.
A loud clap of thunder could be heard as he stood there. A sudden downpour of rain fell and within a minute he was soaked to the bone. He called out her name a few more times in desperation, but his voice was drowned out by the heavy rainfall.
Harry's mind was buzzing as he was trying to think of what to do next. It suddenly occurred to him that she would have headed towards the apartment, he just hoped that she ran there and he could beat her there. Turning into the alley near the bar, he apparated back to the apartment. Once he arrived, he searched the whole flat before finding it empty.
Harry could not think clearly as he stood in front of the door waiting for Hermione to come home. He didn't even know what he was going to say when she did come home. Maybe he was going to apologize, he didn't know. He just couldn't stand by and do nothing.
`No, that is what you should have done all along,' Harry thought to himself.
The all too familiar other voice spoke up. `How could I have lived with knowing something like that? Should I have just stood by and watch her life go by, while the whole time I would have been miserable?'
`Yes, you should have. At least you would have her friendship. That is more important than even love. Love can come and go but true friends are always there, and Hermione is a true friend.'
`You are right,' Harry finally conceded.
He couldn't stand the thought that he had put love over friendship. He had ruined his friendship with Hermione over something so stupid. How could he have done this? Twenty four hours ago he was happily hanging out with Hermione, not really knowing the truth about him being in love with Hermione. How did he fall in love so fast? Harry then thought about maybe he had always been in love, it just took a really long time to figure it out.
"What have I done?" Harry whispered desperately before breaking out into tears. He had only been crying for a brief moment before Hermione walked in. Her face had confusion and bewilderment etched on it.
Hermione felt her heart tug at seeing Harry crying. Her instincts told her to go over and hug him until he told her what was wrong. Not this time though. She couldn't help him.
"I'm sorry Hermione," Harry whispered through tears.
Hermione couldn't say anything without crying herself. She was so confused. Without saying words she shoved by Harry, knocking him against the wall, and ran off to her room. She shut the door behind her and collapsed against it. What could she do? Harry loved her? How could this have happened?
Harry followed Hermione to her room, but was too late as her door was shut. He guessed that she had put many charms up against the room so he would not be able to get in. There was no hope, but the least he could do was explain himself. He took a seat on the floor with his back against the door.
"Hermione, please talk to me," Harry pleaded quietly.
There was no response from the other side of the door.
"Hermione, I know you are there. You are probably sitting down on the other side of the door right now."
Hermione had to smile at his guess. He knew her so well. "What can I say?" Hermione asked through the door.
"I don't know, just something."
"I don't know what to say Harry. What am I supposed to say?"
Harry raked his hand through his hair, unsure about what he was doing. He let out an exasperated breath. "I don't know. I am not familiar in these subjects," Harry said angrily.
"Oh like I am?" Hermione asked, confused.
"Oh come on, you are supposed to be in love with the great Zachary. How did he take it when you told him, oh wait, you never got around to that did you?" Harry spat out, quickly regretting what he said.
Hermione was shocked that Harry would stoop so low as to say something like that. She wasn't even going to respond to such a harsh comment.
Harry spoke more softly, "look Hermione, I am sorry. That was stupid of me to say and I don't think that. I guess my nerves are wound tight." The silence seemed to be an invitation to continue. "I know, I shouldn't have sacrificed our friendship, but I didn't think I could live with knowing such a big thing about you. I couldn't live day to day knowing that I was in love with my best friend."
Hermione's breath got caught in her throat when she heard those words come straight from his mouth. He had said and implied it in a song, but this was different. There was no second way to take it. He was in love with her and there was no denying it. She decided she would veer the subject of the conversation away from her having to respond to him saying those very big words. "Did you really mean what you sang in that song?"
Harry felt his heart plummet when she changed the subject. He didn't know if he expected her to reply with saying `I am in love with you too and have been for a long time.' But, he was hoping for an actual response to what he said, but he didn't need words to tell him what she was feeling. She really didn't return his feelings and that really stung. What was he going to do though? He had to finish and explain what he had started. "I meant every word that I said. You really helped me through some tough times in school and out of school. You always put up with my attitude, and did not give up on me, even when I had given up on myself. It took me a long time to realize how important you are to me and that I probably wouldn't be here right now without you. I didn't want to just tell of this because of my feelings towards you. But, I think you deserved to know as my best friend that you really have a lot to do with me being here now and you have shaped me into the person I am now. For better or worse I guess. I thank you for that. I truly mean it. Remember I will never lie to you. I love you Hermione." At that Harry took a deep breath and stopped for a moment.
Hermione didn't know what to say after that. She thought he was done, but then he started humming and sang a chorus of a song, the words meaning blatantly clear.
Baby, you deserve much better
What's the use in holding on
Don't you see it's now or never
`Cause I just can't be friends
Baby knowing in the end that…
I will love you more than that
I won't say the words
Then take them back
Don't give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that
After singing those last words quietly, Harry felt empty and exhausted. Without saying anything else, he stood up and walked back to his room where he collapsed in tears, and finally fell asleep.
Hermione was drowning in confusion. He loved her like no one else would. He loved her for who she was and he knew everything about her. That was so rare yet she didn't love him in return. Or did she?
She always turned to Harry when anything happened, and she has probably spent more time worrying over him than anybody else. But, that could all be considered signs of true friendship. Yes, but she had never approved of any of his girlfriends. They were never good enough for Harry. That could be friendship as well. The weird thing was she could see herself being with Harry in a romantic way. She couldn't do that with Ron. Harry, however, could be seen in her fantasy's of having a family and living in a house somewhere outside of the city. Maybe, she just wanted a guy LIKE Harry.
`Oh give it up!' her mind told her. `You are in love with Harry Potter, the boy who lived, your best friend.'
That stopped Hermione's blood cold. Did she really love him? To her love was supposed to come in announcing itself openly that you were in love with bladeda. But, maybe love wasn't like that. The love had been there for a long time and slowly grew into her. It ran so deep that a person couldn't recognize it unless they were looking for it.
`I am in love with Harry Potter!' She admitted to herself. `What am I going to do?'
Hermione walked over and lay onto her bed and started crying softly. She couldn't just run over to Harry's room and tell him that she felt the same way. He was way too upset about her for not feeling the same way about him. She had to do something special for him like he did for her. A thought occurred to her.
"It could work. I would have to practice and I would have to make a lot of plans. It will have to work."
Hermione told herself. Her plan would take a lot of effort, but it would be worth it.
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