A/N - This fiction is accompanied by a song I wrote called, "Sense of Remembrance." Enjoy! - Kumy
Bonds of blood demand ultimate loyalty, no matter how it is denied.
Even against one's own will, the bond will pull you back - demand sacrifice. Only one thing can break it
completely: Betrayal.
- quoted from The Loyalties of a Wizard, by Merlin
Dip myself into intoxication
It's my tourniquet from reality
See deformed faces all round
I'm no longer keeper of my sanity
"Another shot, bartender." Draco Malfoy was in a Muggle bar, of all places. He had taken a risk, spying for the Light. But now he worked for the Dark…double-crossing was the oldest intrigue in the game. That is what he had begun - because Voldemort threatened his mother. He couldn't let anything happen to his mother. Not even if it cost him his life…his respect…his everything.
The ironic thing is that he had thought he had given up everything to fight for the Light…but somehow, he had given more when he returned to the Dark Side. Bonds of the Dark were never cut, they said. He had succeeded but it pulled him back in the end. Always. No matter what he believed in.
The bartender glanced at him. But he didn't ask any questions. The good thing about Muggles is that as long as you paid, there were no questions asked. He silently slid a shot-glass across the marble counter. Draco barely managed to catch it before it dropped off the edge.
He just wanted to forget. Forget what he had done today. Forget the betrayals, the lies. Forget that he had once said that he would die before he served Voldemort again, only to become a coward at the time of action. Forget that he was fighting for the wrong sides…for all the wrong reasons.
I just want that sense of remembrance
Of what life was before it came crashing down
I just want to feel a presence
When I needed someone and someone was around
There was no one left on his side. The Light and the Dark both hated him…his mother had disowned him when he turned to the Light because she fully trusted her "friends"…people who were threatening to kill her in order to get him back to the Dark. Even now, after returning to the Dark, she refused to see him saying he had "betrayed his father's memory." Considering Lucius Malfoy had come near to beating her to death on several occasions, he couldn't really see why his memory was so important to her. But that was the way his mother was. So weak, so emotional…it is what made him loathe her even as it strengthened his love for her. His need to protect her.
And Ginevra Weasley. The one girl that he probably had never imagined himself with in his whole life. Now she was the reason why he was sitting in this bar. Because truth be told, even though he loved his mother - he didn't respect her. That respect he held for only one person in this world he truly loved of his own will…Ginny. Now that Ginny wasn't there for him, nothing seemed to matter anymore.
Uncared for and abused
Of the one thing I cared about
All the pills and needles don't change
That loneliness that has me bound
Ginny had found out about the double-cross several weeks ago. She had not said anything, and he had struggled to explain. "Your mother left you behind for the Dark…now you are going back for her? She doesn't care about you. Only her needs, her desires."
And he could only answer with, "She's my mother, Ginny. What am I supposed to do?"
The look in her eyes had been a tortured mix of pain and ferocity. "You are supposed to do what you think is right…what you believe in. You are supposed to not consider anyone else, just what you think."
He asked quietly, "Even you?"
Her mouth twisted in pain for a single instant. "Even me. What do you think is right?"
He glanced away for an instant. "The Light. It's what I believe in. But I can't let my mother die. She helped me survive through the years my father was alive. Without her, even as weak as she was, I wouldn't have fought to live until I was free. She is trapped there…and no one will help her. I can't let her die."
"Your mother is not trapped by anything. Your father has been dead for years. There is nothing to stop her from joining you in the Light. Only her own weaknesses."
He interrupted her. "My mother made me strong, Ginny. She helped me through my weaknesses. There is no reason why I shouldn't help her do the same."
Her eyes burned with a fire that had melted the ice in Draco's heart long ago. Now he wished he still had that shield, to protect him from the guilt, the hurt at pushing her away.
"Draco, there is a reason! It nearly killed you to leave her behind once. Don't throw away the sacrifice you made for what you thought was right, just because she can't sacrifice the same."
He turned away. She wouldn't understand. "Ginny, I can't let her die. She's my mother."
She sighed, brushing away the tears that fell on her cheeks. He wanted so badly to take her into his arms, and take away her pain. But it was his mother.
"I can't turn you in, Draco. I - I should, but I can't. But I hope, I hope that you can find a way back to the Light…back to me. Where you belong. Where you should be. Because you believe in this cause that we fight for. Because I - " her voice broke and she shuddered, holding back tears, clenching her eyes shut so they wouldn't break free in a waterfall down her cheeks. In a broken whisper, her arms wrapped around her torso tightly against an urge to pull him against her and plead with him to stay, she said, "Because I love you."
He turned away from her, his eyes revealing only for an instant his torment, before storming out the door. If he had stayed a moment longer, he couldn't have left her there. Even now, tears fell, scorching his soul with their guilt. But Narcissa was his mother.
I admit I've made mistakes
And have made many confessions
But each time I come back
Because I will never learn my lesson
The Dark Mark on his arm burned black, cutting through the oasis of oblivion to remind him of his task. He sighed in regret. Today he would lead an attack against Hogwarts, weakened by the sickness of Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore had been like a father he had never had back at home, but when compared to the death of his mother, making him ill through a potion slipped into a cup of tea was nothing. If he had let Dumbledore stay healthy, he would have done the equivalent of killing his mother with his own hands. She was his mother…he a substitute for the father. In reality, he was probably a better parent than Narcissa herself. But the bonds of blood were the strongest ever created in magic, and between mother and child nearly impregnable.
He pushed away the voice that said he was just making excuses for his betrayal. There were no excuses. He did what must be done. And because of that, he pushed away from the bar table and Apparated to the headquarters of the Dark Side - in Albania, of all places.
He looked around at the gathered forces - at the masks that surrounded him. He grimaced behind his own. He would be leading these forces against people he knew, cared about, admired…against the only person in this world he loved. But he would do it and he knew why. The bonds of blood were never broken. Merlin was never wrong. He would do it because of the mother that was never there for him. His mother.
I just want that sense of remembrance
Of what life was before it came crashing down
I just want to feel a presence
When I needed someone and someone was around
"We go to fight at Hogwarts tomorrow morning…the home of the greatest wizard of all time, Albus Dumbledore." The crowd rumbled in anger and Draco realized his mistake. He couldn't let Ginevra break his concentration! It would kill him here for sure!
"The greatest wizarding fool, I mean!" he said as he faked laughter. The crowd roared with him…he was lucky the Dark Lord wasn't here. These fools may take his bluff, but Voldemort never would have.
"Many may die and fall, but know that we carry the honor of the Dark Lord! To the last man! Make sure you say and do the things you need to do, because this may be the last chance you have, men. May courage aid you, and honor show you the way of the warrior." He intoned the ancient chant used by Dark fighters for centuries. Like these scoundrels knew the meaning of honor.
They replied, "May the Darkness show you the way of blood, and the Black Winds give you speed and strength. Battle is on the morrow."
A slow beat in my chest
Becomes slower with each night
Another bottle to down with the fake
And another needle with an aftertaste
He lay down on his bed and stared at the starry skies. They used to glitter with hope and purity. Now it seemed that they glittered with scorn. Scorn for a man who could not break the bonds that held him from many years ago for a woman he loved now. Who, he hoped, loved him as well. Her love was the only thing keeping him going.
He didn't know how long he could go on knowing that he may have to hurt her more than he had already done. Hurt the ones she loved. He wouldn't be able to watch her die. Of that much he was certain. Whatever the risk, he wouldn't be able to stand by and watch her die.
Not for the wand ready in the Dark Lord's hand. He could nearly imagine a spell streaking from it to kill him. Not for the scorn on the Order's face. He could nearly imagine Dumbledore shutting a door in his face. Not for the concern in Ginny's eyes. He could nearly imagine her brown eyes, pleading with him to keep his own life as a knife pressed against the pulse of her neck.
He threw his covers off and sat up, pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes. What was he thinking? What was he seeing? It was only idle thoughts. Only speculation. He said this to reassure himself as he went to bed.
But he couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to happen tomorrow. And with every thought of Ginny's pleading eyes, he could feel his heart slowing, his mind growing numb…he was already steeling himself for a pain that he could never imagine.
Maybe I will finally die
And get out of this hell's jigsaw
For anything is better than this
They woke in the morning at sunrise. The fiery globe reminded him of the bloodshed that was to occur today. Death Eaters moved along in an ordered mass, disguised beneath a Cloaking spell. Draco took a deep breath at the back of the line, staring ahead at the backs of the thousands of Death Eaters. This would be a slaughter. He could only hope that Ginny would not be among them. Or his mother. But his mother he would protect with his life.
He didn't know what he would do if he had to watch Dumbledore die. But he knew that he would be shattered, his self-will done, if he had to watch Ginny die. He didn't know what to do. All he could do was protect his mother, and hope someone else would do the same for his Ginny. Just hope and pray and wish that there was another way. But there wasn't…there was no other way.
The castle appeared over the crest of a hill and he looked silently down at the laughing students. Ginny was in there - the Hogwarts Healer. He shoved away the thoughts of her and slowly commanded his troops to take the castle - at all costs.
I just want that sense of remembrance
Of what life was before it came crashing down
I just want to feel a presence
When I needed someone and someone was around
The Order got there just in time to turn away the main force. The battle raged thick and heavy for a long time…ages it seemed. But Draco turned away from the carnage and concentrated on keeping his mother away from the front battle line. Away from danger.
She pleaded with him, over and over, to find a way to turn the tide of battle. Everyone could see that on their own territory, the Light was winning through sheer will and desperation. The Death Eaters simply didn't have the heart.
"I know you know a way to change this, Draco. Do it…for me." She said fiercely. He merely shook his head at her and turned away. She grabbed his arm, very strong for a usually timid and frail person. "Do it, Draco. Or I will find a way to make you." Suddenly his contempt for this blind follower overcame the love that made him give up his own hopes. He laughed in her face.
"Make me, Mother? You always have been able to. Go ahead and try." She disappeared, and he put the thought of her away in his mind, concentrating on the battle.
Several Hours Later-----
The battle line was ragged and broken in places. A few more minutes, and the attack would be repulsed. Both sides knew it. The Light's attack strengthened as Death Eaters began to desert and lose hope.
Suddenly, the battered Narcissa Malfoy appeared before the battle line. The battle froze as both sides stopped their fighting to protect important figures…Narcissa had her wand against Ginevra Weasley's neck. Draco's heart stopped. His mother…his love…what was going on?
Narcissa spoke, her voice tight with rage. "This is the thing you left the Dark Side for? The reason you shamed and betrayed your father?"
"Mother, just let her go. Please. You have no idea what you're doing." His voice shook, to his horror. He firmly put his emotions in the back of his head. Miscalculating could kill Ginny right now.
"I don't know what I am doing? Then why do you look scared for the first time in your life? Battle doesn't scare you, Death doesn't scare you…but losing her?"
"What do you want from me, Mother? I betrayed the Light, what I believed in, to save your life - to protect you! Or do you really believe you remain valuable to the Cause without your husband and your son? They threatened to kill you to get me back. So I came, gave up my love, my hopes, my beliefs…because you are my mother. What more do you want? How much more can you take from me?"
She smiled. "Victory, Draco. You know how to get it in this battle. Yet you remain loyal to the Light in your heart. Give the Dark victory, and Weasley goes unharmed."
He sighed, desperation and panic filling him. But he couldn't let it show. "I don't know, Mother. Really. The Light has more heart, more loyalty to the Cause they fight for. That just can't be beaten by people fighting on the Dark - for distant promises when we win the War - if we win the War. The belief they have, the power of Hogwarts itself…that just can't be beaten."
Narcissa's eyes glimmered with fanaticism and she tightened her hold on Ginevra, pressing the wand against the pulse in Ginny's neck…just like Draco's dream. His heart leapt to his throat. "You KNOW! You do! You must. The Dark Side can't lose!" Her voice was a near sob of despair. Suddenly she gestured with her wand.
"No! Mother, don't!." It was too late. Ginny's life blood spilled and rage overcame Draco's tight controls. He whipped out his wand and slashed with it in the air. Narcissa fell to the ground dead.
The ultimate Betrayal. The bonds of blood were broken. And he was free...free to see in true Light how Ginny was the person he couldn't live without. That his mother had never been a mother. And now he was losing her...the Betrayal had not come in time to save the person he needed most of all.
The battle began as soon as both the figures fell, but Draco's eyes were only on Ginny. He cleared people out of his way, Dark and Light alike, sweeping a path to Ginny.
He held her as her life slipped away. Cried for his love as the Dark Side retreated. He didn't even see the forgiveness in the eyes of the Weasleys, of Potter, of Granger, of Dumbledore. He didn't see anything, but her pale face, and her fading eyes.
I just want that sense of remembrance
Of what life was before it came crashing down
I just want to feel a presence
When I needed someone and someone was around
There was no one left. Nothing but the memories…the sense of remembrance. Of his love and how he threw his chance, his hopes, his life away…bound by blood.
Bound by bonds now broken, he was left looking back with clear eyes to see how he ruined it. How he killed her with his blood. See the blood staining his hand.
And he couldn't find his memories...couldn't see her face, her smile. As he drowned himself in oblivion, he supposed it was just punishment to drown in darkness...after he killed the very essence of Light.
Fin