005.
Choices
There are no solutions, no easy answers. He just breathes deep and waits for it to subside. He only hears bits and pieces of conversation, not really paying attention to all the details he probably should be. He knows Mrs. Weasley's voice well, and he hears her saying something about not letting Mr. Weasley fight and something about his family (he knows she's right because Mr. Weasley has a family who needs him more and he should be there for them not him because they are so much more important than this). He catches clips and phrases and Remus says something about careful planning. He hears too many voices. He thinks he hears something about execution and it's all he can take (because he never thought he would have to murder to end this all never thought he would have to become a murderer to be the hero they needed him to be). They don't even notice as he slips away, quietly out the back door.
The sky is inky, black and cloudless, and it's dotted with stars that don't hold the beauty you remember the used to. He knows he isn't supposed to be out alone, but he had to get away from all of it, all of them. Sometimes even he needed to be alone, especially when everyone else was deciding for him. He just couldn't listen anymore.
"Wotcher, Harry," Tonks said and he could hear her feet in the grass. He turned to look at her for a moment. He didn't remember hearing her voice inside, and he was silently thankful. She stood beside him and he could see her wand clearly in her hand.
"How come you're not inside?" He asked, looking out at nothing in particular.
She shrugged (he felt it more than saw it). "I guess, the same reason you're not."
"I just had to get out," he said quietly. "I couldn't take anymore of it. I was suffocating in there." She looked at him and nodded slightly.
"I understand," she said. There were a few minutes of lapsed silence that didn't seem to bother either of them. The quiet was better than the din of voices inside (all of them worrying and worrying about his life and planning and trying and thinking of ways for him to kill end the life of the worst evil and they didn't even know he was afraid).
"There isn't much time left, you know," he said, looking over at her. "It's going to be soon, Tonks."
"How soon?" she asked and the pink of her hair seemed to falter for a moment. He was thankful for her concern, and for some reason unknown, felt particularly close to her in that moment. He shrugged, however, watching the sky (he didn't really want to tell her because if he didn't he might be able to keep her out of harm's way a little longer and if he didn't tell her then it didn't seem so real imminent unavoidable).
"You'll watch over Hermione, won't you?" he asked quietly as he looked at her again. "I need to know that she'll be safe."
"She'll want to go," Tonks said quietly. "You know she wants to fight with you, Harry."
"No," he said shaking his head, and his tone left no room for question.
"You have my word," she said. "I'll protect her."
"And Ron. Protect them both, Tonks. None of this will be worth it if I don't have them when it's finally over." She nodded, swallowing with some difficulty. "And Remus?"
"What about him?" she asked, and he noticed that her eyes seemed to shimmer in the moonlight.
"Keep him away from harm, too?" He was looking at her and for a moment she didn't answer. "I know you love him." There was the sound of her breathing. "I know how much he loves you, Tonks." Looking at her he could see the conflict, the pain in her eyes (and he wished she wouldn't care about him because she would be safer that way and he could save her some of this hurt).
"I'd die for him," she whispered. He nodded and they stood in silence. He didn't need to ask her not to tell anyone because he knew without words that he could trust her. He wished there was something more he could do to make this easier for her. "You're planning on leaving, aren't you? You're planning on going alone, and fighting him alone, aren't you, Harry?"
He looked away. She realized then that he looked so much older. He looked tired and he looked broken. In the few moments he took to think, all the things he feared played in his mind: Hermione's death. Ron's death. Fred, George, Ginny. Mr. Weasley. Remus. Mrs. Weasley. He couldn't let them die. He wouldn't let them die (and the only way to save them was to run when they thought he would stay the only way to save them was to fight for them alone even if in the end he lost himself because at least they would all be alive ok and they could live again someday).
"You've made up your mind, haven't you?" she asked softly. He didn't look at her as he nodded.
"It's the only way," he said softly (and in that moment he saw Hermione's face remembered what it felt like when her body was pressed to his and he was so afraid he would never see the light in her eyes again and the thoughts filled his mind too quickly to turn them away I don't want to die and he knew that he had to fight win live)
"Just… come back," she said softly. He looked at her and he could see her eyes glistening. "Come back, Harry. Fight him and win, and come back to us, okay?" (the tears in her eyes made his heart hurt and he remembered her tears when Sirius died and her tears when she thought she would never be with Remus and he knew that her tears were never wasted and without words promise)
He said softly: "I will."
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